The doctor said I had kleptomania but I'm taking something for it.

A brunette said to her blonde friend, "I'll tell you a little secret. I slept with a Brazilian last night."

The blonde said, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

A man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry and then a yellow lorry.

A policeman goes to his house to inform his family.
"There's no easy way to say this.."

Luiggi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice everyday.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Luiggi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance andas they dance he asks her,'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luiggi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'

Luiggi answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luiggi , I do, but how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,Luiggi asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red...

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luiggi , I wear no panties tonight...'

Luiggi gasps, 'Thanka God ....I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Armani leathershoes......................!'.

An Italian guy was talking to his friend in a whispered confidential way on a commuter bus. Here's what he said:

"First Emma come,

Den I come.

Den two asses together.

I and two more asses,

Den I pee, and pee again.

Den..."

A lady overheard this and was quite steamed.

"Don't you have any manners?" she said. "Why are you discussing intimate sex details on a public bus?"

The Italian guy was surprised and insulted.

"Who's-a talking about sex-a lady? I'm only trying to spell-a 'Mississippi'!"

manekeniko!

A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo..
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses.

So, the brunette goes through her daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My Daughter smokes."

So, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

So, finally, it's the blondes turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis."

I put this advert in a lonely hearts column in my local paper 4 weeks ago, still no replies

Wanted: Feminist, GSOH

.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an American are having drinks al fresco. A swarm of flies arrives, one falling into each of their beers.

The Englishman slides his fly out of the glass and downs the beer.

The American picks out his fly, carefully wipes all around the glass and sips his, from the other side.

The Scotsman extracts his fly, hangs it over his glass and shouts "spit it out, spit it out, ye bastard"

.

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra ..
Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Tony Abbott & Joe Hockey.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

"Most people are giving about two litres".

Not possible. Firstly, there are no Canberra traffic jams

Secondly, there's so much hot air coming out of them blokes, no fire will stay lit...

Firstly, apologies to any Police Officers......


How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, now, unless you want it stuck up yer ar..!.. or where the sun wont shine"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.