I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, use my iPad."

I can tell you this... that f***ing fly never knew what hit him...

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a Royal Marine selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only 5 pounds."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Officers Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.. "

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped...

"They won't let me in without a f....ing tie!"

And the tie now costs 10 pounds.

The vet came back into reception: "Mr Schrödinger - about your cat: I have good news and bad news..."

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it hurt?"

Mick says, " Well, I couldn't walk for 18 months.."

Went to the optometrist this morning and was diagnosed as colour blind.

Well that came out of the purple!

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the Greek Immigration Officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive them around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".

Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.

The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."

What did the knife say to the rope?

Be afraid, very afraid.

I asked my Scouse mate why he only spent three quid on his mum for her birthday,
"That's all she had in her purse," he said.

A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and...
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate but the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son."

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”

His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about 70+, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation. He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says:

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that."

.