midgetjan

Substance Misuse Warning Issued by Yorkshire Police:

Clubbers in West Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to squirt liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum' and should be reported immediately.

Bernieboy

midgetjan

paddyo

oh dear...am I turning feral????

paddyo

'ollocks!!

midgetjan

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.




‘Fook off’ say's Mick, ‘are ya mad!!!! have you seen how many of their owners go blind.’

midgetjan

A friend of mine just started his own business.

He is manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats..

It's doing well.....

He says Prophets are going through the roof!

ColinandLyn

Tampax are taking the string of their tampons

and replacing it with tinsel,

for the xmas period only!

Alfresco

Sounds like a strip show.

Alfresco

What do suicide bombers sleep on when training?









Blowup mattresses.

midgetjan

An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Australian home.

After a few weeks in the Australian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

''How do you like it here?'' asks the grandson.

''It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful'', says grandpa.

''We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you.
You know, since you are a little different from everyone.''

''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents'', Abdullah says with a big smile.

''There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!
There's a dentist here -- 90 years old.. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor?!

And me --"I haven't had sex for 35 years and they call me 'The *****ing Arab".

midgetjan

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me"

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

midgetjan

A CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK


A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he has had.

The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "

The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance"

Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "

The patient replied "No money in the bank ".

Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative who would be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ? "

The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".

The nun became agitated and announced loudly "Nuns are not spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."

The patient retorted: "Then send the bill to my brother -in- law.''

DaveLovesDee

Christmas Cookies
(We suggest you don't try to make these)

Here is how to make my favorite Christmas Cookies.........and you know what kind of a cook I am but I just love making these!!!

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup ... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor...

Mix on the turner. If the ! ! ! fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Jose Cuervo.

Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS

caretaker

Irish SAS have brought a tense stand-off to a close at the Dublin Zoo.
A spokesman says they've killed 3 gorillas and freed all the ostriches.