ColinandLyn

Kate goes to the Queen and says "every time i suck Williams ***b i get acid

indigestion"

The Queen replies


"have you tried Andrews?"

Buzzy--Bee

Why are men like fires?

Because if they don't get poked enough, they go out!

BB

midgetjan

Irish Fire Fighter

Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire. Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you, I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also.

Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells:






























"Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"

scottishcelts

midgetjan

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing ?" he says.

"I trying to commit suicide," she says.

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blowjob ?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow !! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide ?".

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Bernieboy

Another Midgetjan classic

midgetjan

GOD CREATED THE ORGASM SO THAT WOMEN
CAN MOAN EVEN WHEN THEY ARE HAPPY.

midgetjan

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

midgetjan

mikelincs

An Irishman wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said, 'you must answer 3 questions on the Bible.

'1st, who was born in a stable?''Red Rum,' he said.

'2nd, what do you know about Damascus?''It kills 99% of all germs,' he replied.

'3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?''That's easy,' he said. 'Popeye kicked the shit out of them.'

steve`o

I lost the pub trivia contest last night by 1 point.



The last question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
...





















...

apparently the correct answer is Fiji....

midgetjan

HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all. Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 'Get well soon . from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

Wol

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeantsaid "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the
bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees
and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big
long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".

paddyo

Love it!! Very good!

scottishcelts

Paddy goes to the Docs and says "I've got a sore arse." The Doc says "bend over" and takes a wad of money out his buttocks. Paddy says "much was er Doc" and he says "1900 pounds" and Paddy says "I thought that because I wasn't feeling two grand".