Tina7

There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island.

There where only 3 survivors: 2 blokes and a girl.

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of intimacy all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having relations with both males was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two men managed to get through it.

Well time went by and of course the blokes still had their 'needs'. But after a couple of years they began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.

So . . . they buried her.

Sherlock Holmes

I've shamelessly stolen this from another thread but I think it's worth sharing:

Newcastle Taxi Fare

One rainynight in the Toon, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley.

Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Walker Road "answered the woman."

"OK,"he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?"

"Well Pet, replied the driver, I canna help noticing that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Have yer not got owt smaller?"

The Woodcutter

What's the capital of Ireland?













About 100 euros

spartacus

Very upset . . . I had to take my Great Dane to the vets this morning . . . he said "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down" . . . I asked why and he said . . . "because he's really heavy" . . .

iamthecreaturefromuranus

I was thinking about using this as my Christmas avatar... but I think it might be a bit small to read....

Tina7

A female dwarf goes into her doctor's surgery complaining of an irritated female area. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"

"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.

"Well, then" says the doctor "next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's surgery.

"Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!" "Well, let's have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table.

"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry this won't hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later.

"There you go, try that."

She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims "That's great, Doctor, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

brissybee

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed
The convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
Then gets up & goes into the bathroom.


While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
And hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
Don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'


His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
And asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

The Bloke

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Kiwi led the way to his bedroom where there

was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

'For f*#k's sake, you stupid Kiwi pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!’

The Bloke

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be

ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction..

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Guissepi.

Poor Guissepi. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in
nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Guissepi quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up....

and all the other bells started to ring.

The Bloke

A Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.

The Gorilla was on heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham , a big Kiwi lad and a former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's

machinery.

Graham, like most Kiwis, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'

'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'

The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

'Wull,' said Graham , 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.

expatasia

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the benevolent sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh announced, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The South African was first. He thought for a while, then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow lasted only 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done, the South African had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's horror, he said smugly, "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could take only 15 lashes before the whip went through and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the sheikh turned to him and said, "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your most royal and merciful highness," the Kiwi replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Australian to my back."

caretaker

with apologies to Rolf.....

A ship from Sydney Australia bound for London England, carrying a cargo of purple paint collided in the mid-Atlantic with a ship from London England headed for Sydney with a cargo of brown paint. Both ships sank, and the survivors were marooned.

Sherlock Holmes

As it's nearing xmas and in the UK pantomimes will be starting.....Snow White thought 7up was a drink until she met the dwarves.

midgetjan

HILLBILLY LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE .
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL ,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER..
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL .
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL , MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER ..
BUT WILL AND JOE , AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE ;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?)

Wol