OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Apr 13th 2005, 6:39 pm
#46
Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 8,147
Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
hi rachel,
sorry to hear about your dilemma.
id go with what most are saying and at least validate - look at it as a great reward for all the crap you have been through over the last couple of years.
BUT, whatever you do, get some legal advice about the implications of taking your daughter to aus without him - i know he signed to say he would allow her to go, but that was for the visa, and things have changed. if you went over to validate, or decided to go and give it a go, where would that leave you legally? check it wouldnt result in some huge (and expensive) legal battle over custody etc. It may be cut and dry that he agreed, so thats it; but id be very cautious now he's changed his mind.
If you go and validate, dont worry abuot money - things have a habit of changing for the good, you might win the lottery!! but i know money is such a huge issue (in that vicous circle ourselves at the moment!) that it can dictate all your decisions.
good luck with whatever you decide, you know you have the best wishes of hundreds of total strangers following you!!!!
sue
ps, if we were in the position of being able to go this year, i would have offered to share childcare/help out as i have a 7yr old and 4 yr old twins!
sorry to hear about your dilemma.
id go with what most are saying and at least validate - look at it as a great reward for all the crap you have been through over the last couple of years.
BUT, whatever you do, get some legal advice about the implications of taking your daughter to aus without him - i know he signed to say he would allow her to go, but that was for the visa, and things have changed. if you went over to validate, or decided to go and give it a go, where would that leave you legally? check it wouldnt result in some huge (and expensive) legal battle over custody etc. It may be cut and dry that he agreed, so thats it; but id be very cautious now he's changed his mind.
If you go and validate, dont worry abuot money - things have a habit of changing for the good, you might win the lottery!! but i know money is such a huge issue (in that vicous circle ourselves at the moment!) that it can dictate all your decisions.
good luck with whatever you decide, you know you have the best wishes of hundreds of total strangers following you!!!!
sue
ps, if we were in the position of being able to go this year, i would have offered to share childcare/help out as i have a 7yr old and 4 yr old twins!
Apr 13th 2005, 7:46 pm
#47
Living our dream!!
Joined: Feb 2004
Location: Victoria
Posts: 364
Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Sorry to hear about what you are going through. My opinion is to go with that inner gut instinct as I think we all have one we just need to listen to it.
I'll send you some Karma. All the best and I wish you well whatever your decision.
Michelle
I'll send you some Karma. All the best and I wish you well whatever your decision.
Michelle
Apr 13th 2005, 8:56 pm
#48
When?? We ask ourselves!!
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 329
Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
But if he has decided to take someone else (and presumimg shes not Australian!) she will have to go through the same process to get a visa?????
Sod him & look after yourself & your daughter. Go out and validate your visa. You cannot be in a better place. Good luck!!
Jayne
Sod him & look after yourself & your daughter. Go out and validate your visa. You cannot be in a better place. Good luck!!
Jayne
Apr 13th 2005, 9:16 pm
#49
Joined: Dec 2003
Location: Hillarys, Perth
Posts: 3,973
Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Dont let him *** with you again. Go to OZ with your daughter and stay and *** him.
He will come with his tail between his legs when he realises the fling aint much chop.
He will come with his tail between his legs when he realises the fling aint much chop.
Apr 13th 2005, 9:46 pm
#50
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
I think you need time for deciding what YOU really want.
When you arrive in Australia there will be lots for you to organize and that will keep your mind of things but then when everything is organised and you get into the business of everyday life you may start to wonder if this is really what you wanted for yourself. I say this because I think it was your ex who always wanted to go back, to start with.
Despite lack of funds - I would go and validate - get a feel for where you would be likely to live and return to the UK to do some soul-searching. If you really want to emigrate, you'll get the airfare together somehow. (It's very expensive to emigrate, hate it and then move everything back).
Anyway, that's just how I think about it - good luck with your decision.
When you arrive in Australia there will be lots for you to organize and that will keep your mind of things but then when everything is organised and you get into the business of everyday life you may start to wonder if this is really what you wanted for yourself. I say this because I think it was your ex who always wanted to go back, to start with.
Despite lack of funds - I would go and validate - get a feel for where you would be likely to live and return to the UK to do some soul-searching. If you really want to emigrate, you'll get the airfare together somehow. (It's very expensive to emigrate, hate it and then move everything back).
Anyway, that's just how I think about it - good luck with your decision.
Apr 13th 2005, 10:51 pm
#51
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Posts: 451
Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Hi Rachel
Sorry to hear about your situation, this really must be a tough one
My opinion :
Go and get citizenship, that way you are free to come and go just like your daughter (and the ex). This puts you in a much stronger position for the future, that way whatever you or you daughter decide to do in years to come, you will be able to do it together.
Sod the ex
(for now), don't know if you ever saw the episode of Get a New Life with the lady from Blackpool who went over to the Gold Coast on her own with 2 kids, she had an aussie husband who walked out the night before they emigrated, he eventually turned up in Australia, however they later split for good and she managed it on her own. (she had lots of bottle, and she did it).
Good luck with whatever you decide and be strong for your daughter.
Louise x
Sorry to hear about your situation, this really must be a tough one
My opinion :
Go and get citizenship, that way you are free to come and go just like your daughter (and the ex). This puts you in a much stronger position for the future, that way whatever you or you daughter decide to do in years to come, you will be able to do it together.
Sod the ex
(for now), don't know if you ever saw the episode of Get a New Life with the lady from Blackpool who went over to the Gold Coast on her own with 2 kids, she had an aussie husband who walked out the night before they emigrated, he eventually turned up in Australia, however they later split for good and she managed it on her own. (she had lots of bottle, and she did it).Good luck with whatever you decide and be strong for your daughter.
Louise x
Apr 14th 2005, 4:51 am
#52
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Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 223
Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Originally Posted by desperate2go
So people ...what do you think??? Should i stay or should i go now????
Rachelx
Rachelx
You don't want to spend the next few years wondering what if...if only!
Give yourself a fresh start, in a great place. Look at it as a 2 year thing. That way, you get your citizenship and thereafter you can live in Oz or return to the UK without any hassles.
I think you should use your money to get out here. You know where you are going to live, you have the ex's extended family (I presume there are grandparents/aunts/uncles) who will help you and your daughter in Oz.
It takes so long to go through the whole visa thing, that in your heart of hearts you will know what you want to do. I think your user name is a big clue
I'd make sure everything is water tight with a lawyer regarding custody and maintenance payments before you do anything else.
Hubbie and I came out here last year, we didn't have a lot of cash and did not ship our stuff out...we're having a great time. We have managed to set up a unit with a lot of second hand stuff...you don't need tons of equity in a house sale to make a go of it here (although I’m not saying it wouldn't be nice).
I know it's really easy to give advice to others when you are not living the nightmare. Just thought I'd give a positive reply.
Give it a go.
Apr 14th 2005, 5:17 am
#53
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Originally Posted by Simone
You poor thing!
Please remember this forum is mostly biased, because everyone is wanting to move there, and also are nearly all going as a family.
And the ones who are not, are often doing it for the adventure.
The question is if adventure is what you(or your daughter) needs right now. Such big changes... Migration is a huge step.
And Australia isn't always necessarily a better life for you or your daughter, though most (who haven't moved yet especially) are biased on that side of things to I believe.
Good luck. I would also say validate, but the money side makes that not an easy decision either.
Good luck
Please remember this forum is mostly biased, because everyone is wanting to move there, and also are nearly all going as a family.
And the ones who are not, are often doing it for the adventure.
The question is if adventure is what you(or your daughter) needs right now. Such big changes... Migration is a huge step.
And Australia isn't always necessarily a better life for you or your daughter, though most (who haven't moved yet especially) are biased on that side of things to I believe.
Good luck. I would also say validate, but the money side makes that not an easy decision either.
Good luck
You are going with such big upheavals in your life. Have you anyone to fall back on here in Aus if things get really tough out here with money, with help , with your young daughter, have you a job to come to?
I would not make any rash decisions and certainly not from a forum full of people wanting to go to Aus and not in your in position - you really need to think about it, what is best for you and your daughter, and not do things in the heat of the moment - whether it's best to come here or not, who knows? but you really need to think about this yourself. Things could actually be tougher out here for you.
Good luck
Last edited by Ceri; Apr 14th 2005 at 5:28 am.
Apr 14th 2005, 6:05 am
#54
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Originally Posted by louise
Hi Rachel
Sod the ex (for now), don't know if you ever saw the episode of Get a New Life with the lady from Blackpool who went over to the Gold Coast on her own with 2 kids, she had an aussie husband who walked out the night before they emigrated, he eventually turned up in Australia, however they later split for good and she managed it on her own. (she had lots of bottle, and she did it).
Good luck with whatever you decide and be strong for your daughter.
Louise x
Sod the ex
(for now), don't know if you ever saw the episode of Get a New Life with the lady from Blackpool who went over to the Gold Coast on her own with 2 kids, she had an aussie husband who walked out the night before they emigrated, he eventually turned up in Australia, however they later split for good and she managed it on her own. (she had lots of bottle, and she did it).Good luck with whatever you decide and be strong for your daughter.
Louise x
Theresa
Apr 14th 2005, 6:08 am
#55
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Hi Rachel,
Simone and Ceri offer sound advice - think of your own circumstances and don't be swayed too much by people wanting to move to Aus! This forum isn't always impartial!
I also think Chocaholic is right - if it's been your ex pushing to go to Aus, you need to be clear in your own mind that moving to Aus is something you personally really want. If that is the case, great! But be certain of your own motives, because if you're certain that you're committed you'll have a better chance of success and won't feel defeated and as if you want to give up by the hurdles that (inevitably) all migrants face - homesickness, a new home, new job, new friends etc. Although you said you made the decision in 2003 to apply for a visa, times move on and it's always wise to reconsider whether what was important at that point is still important now. Just because you wanted and now have a visa doesn't mean you might now want to use it. Deciding to stay is not an admission of failure (I personally think it takes more courage to say your dreams have changed).
Don't forget that you have time to decide - there's a date by which you should enter to validate. That can't be for some time yet. Don't let the anger and hurt of now dictate such an enourmous move. Leave making a decision, if you can, until you feel more able to cope. You have the chance to put plans on hold for a few weeks at least; maybe do that and come back to trying to work things through when the shock's worn off a little.
Very, very best of luck with it all. I really hope it works out as you choose. Karma on it's way.
Nichola
Simone and Ceri offer sound advice - think of your own circumstances and don't be swayed too much by people wanting to move to Aus! This forum isn't always impartial!
I also think Chocaholic is right - if it's been your ex pushing to go to Aus, you need to be clear in your own mind that moving to Aus is something you personally really want. If that is the case, great! But be certain of your own motives, because if you're certain that you're committed you'll have a better chance of success and won't feel defeated and as if you want to give up by the hurdles that (inevitably) all migrants face - homesickness, a new home, new job, new friends etc. Although you said you made the decision in 2003 to apply for a visa, times move on and it's always wise to reconsider whether what was important at that point is still important now. Just because you wanted and now have a visa doesn't mean you might now want to use it. Deciding to stay is not an admission of failure (I personally think it takes more courage to say your dreams have changed).
Don't forget that you have time to decide - there's a date by which you should enter to validate. That can't be for some time yet. Don't let the anger and hurt of now dictate such an enourmous move. Leave making a decision, if you can, until you feel more able to cope. You have the chance to put plans on hold for a few weeks at least; maybe do that and come back to trying to work things through when the shock's worn off a little.
Very, very best of luck with it all. I really hope it works out as you choose. Karma on it's way.
Nichola
Apr 14th 2005, 8:08 am
#56
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Oh what a nightmare. It must be bloody difficult for you going through all this crap whilst applying for a visa too. You've handled it with star quality so far girl.....this sure shows someone with the metal to handle a move to Aus...that's for sure!
Well...the call is yours and you sound a strong and logical person so whatever you decide I'm sure will be the right thing.
Given your finances are stretched, and you can't afford to bide yourself time by validating first, then if it was me...and I felt strong enough..then I'd go for it...I'd make the move to Aus. This would only be possible if I felt I could afford it i.e prepare not to be working for some time and have the cash. Lets face it....even if your X went with you, what support would he have been anyway?Sounds like you would have been very much on your own to start again anyway? So go for it girl! Give you and your daughter a new start in life, be prepared to have it hard.....but give it your all [that's providing your daughter wants to move too].
I'd also be inclined to start collecting telephone numbers off people who you can contact when you land, i.e people from this site as I should imagine you need someone to talk to when you are feeling low...and you will have those moments as it's normal when going through this, but then no pain, no gain
This is your one chance in life to do something for you and your daughter. Forget the fella for now.He will always be the father of your daughter so somehow you guys have to get on. However he is in his own world by the sounds of it....and whilst his head is concentrating on his nether regions, your not going to get any sense out of him. You have to do whatever's best for you and your kid. Whatever that may be.
You both deserve a good break....and I'm sending you karma with lots of good luck wishes. If there was anyone I'd wish to win the lottery right now...it would be you. But then life is a lottery, and it's your call how you live it.
The very, very best of good luck to you and your daughter
Well...the call is yours and you sound a strong and logical person so whatever you decide I'm sure will be the right thing.
Given your finances are stretched, and you can't afford to bide yourself time by validating first, then if it was me...and I felt strong enough..then I'd go for it...I'd make the move to Aus. This would only be possible if I felt I could afford it i.e prepare not to be working for some time and have the cash. Lets face it....even if your X went with you, what support would he have been anyway?Sounds like you would have been very much on your own to start again anyway? So go for it girl! Give you and your daughter a new start in life, be prepared to have it hard.....but give it your all [that's providing your daughter wants to move too].
I'd also be inclined to start collecting telephone numbers off people who you can contact when you land, i.e people from this site as I should imagine you need someone to talk to when you are feeling low...and you will have those moments as it's normal when going through this, but then no pain, no gain
This is your one chance in life to do something for you and your daughter. Forget the fella for now.He will always be the father of your daughter so somehow you guys have to get on. However he is in his own world by the sounds of it....and whilst his head is concentrating on his nether regions, your not going to get any sense out of him. You have to do whatever's best for you and your kid. Whatever that may be.
You both deserve a good break....and I'm sending you karma with lots of good luck wishes. If there was anyone I'd wish to win the lottery right now...it would be you. But then life is a lottery, and it's your call how you live it.
The very, very best of good luck to you and your daughter
Apr 14th 2005, 8:46 am
#57
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Thank you everyone, so much, for all your kind wishes. I think i will give it another week or two till i make my final decision. Have spoken with my mum about it, who said that she may well come over with me for the first couple of months to help me settle in, if i decide to go. Bless her- its very kind but dont know if that would be better or worse(shes quite highly strung 
)!! Anyway, at least its another option for me.
I was a little worried about mentioning it on here as i know that sometimes anything erring on the side of a negative post can get a lynching from certain corners but everyones been great....Its been like group therapy and saved me a fortune
Ill keep you all updated.
Rachel(and Maisie)xx
PS. ive just seen ALL my karma too. Thanks for that too.x
)!! Anyway, at least its another option for me.I was a little worried about mentioning it on here as i know that sometimes anything erring on the side of a negative post can get a lynching from certain corners but everyones been great....Its been like group therapy and saved me a fortune
Ill keep you all updated.
Rachel(and Maisie)xx
PS. ive just seen ALL my karma too. Thanks for that too.x
Apr 14th 2005, 9:27 am
#58
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Originally Posted by desperate2go
Its been like group therapy and saved me a fortune
Ill keep you all updated. Rachel(and Maisie)xx
Ill keep you all updated. Rachel(and Maisie)xx
Apr 14th 2005, 1:30 pm
#59
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Re: OMG- What now? Do i stay or do i go??
Good grief! What a predicament indeed 
As someone else advised, I think (money permitting) I'd go and validate, then you will at least have a few years to see how life turns out for the other people involved in this situation!
You never know, you may meet a bronzed Adonis in Oz and everything else will pale into insignificance
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Hugs
Karen x
As someone else advised, I think (money permitting) I'd go and validate, then you will at least have a few years to see how life turns out for the other people involved in this situation!
You never know, you may meet a bronzed Adonis in Oz and everything else will pale into insignificance
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Hugs
Karen x
