MMcD

OP:
Something here is seriously awry!
And in this case, for all its many faults - I don’t think it’s America
America’s faults, it seems to me, are but a red herring for a deeper, underlying problem….

I’ve hesitated ‘till now to comment. My take on your situation is extremely personal. And I felt it might be inappropriate in a public forum.
But Sally’s post (#94 above) has nailed some of what’s been niggling at me - so, what the hell……here goes:

TCR: I fear you may be setting yourself up for a failed marriage with the move to America (“ Oh Christ, I tried, I really tried…I gave it my all, chucked my career, emigrated to a hell-hole of a country in which I never wanted to live - all for the sake of my wife and my marriage”) - as your convenient scapegoat!

You say, in one of your posts:
“Happy wife = Happy life”.
I wonder - can one have a “Happy wife” if she has an “Unhappy husband”?
Ignorance is NOT bliss - at least not for long
Nor is it ever a healthy basis for a relationship.

A good marriage, as we all know, requires honest, open communication + mutual compromise - not total capitulation.
For me - your comments point to your self-sacrifice as a path toward basking in victimhood, if not outright martyrdom.

A good marriage also requires mutual respect.
Often people will come to resent and disrespect a willing victim/long-suffering martyr.
That’s particularly the case if they feel responsible for the situation; they come to resent both the guilt they feel and those whom they perceive to be the cause of that guilt.

Okay…I’ll get off the soapbox…I don’t want to seem like I’m lecturing you.
So down to the more nitty gritty:

Have you shared what you’ve written here with your wife?
Is she even aware that the dismay over the move and your sense of foreboding are so profound that they’ve motivated you to reach out to complete strangers on the web for advice and commiseration?

Don’t misunderstand - it’s great you did. And you’ve received a slew of thoughtful and insightful responses. But my point is that if your distress and discomfort over the impending move is so profound as to have impelled you to reach out in this way - then it’s most definitely a matter which should be shared with her.
How does she feel about how you feel?
Does she even know?
Have you been entirely honest in your discussions?
What have you held back?

All of the above is extremely personal. And I raise these questions not for them to be answered here. But for you to think about (or dismiss), as you choose.
Perhaps put on your solicitor cap and do a brutal cross examination of yourself

Here are some further issues raised for me by your posts:

To “advance her own career in the US” - a career she presumably could “advance” in the UK as well - you'll be required to abandon your own profession - as you’re neither trained nor licensed to practice in NY.
That’s an incredible act of self-sacrifice (if not downright masochism)
Seven years (?) of Uni….....for naught!
I wonder how many years you’ve been a solicitor?
Are you currently employed?
You’ll not only be unemployed when you arrive in NY ( where you don’t even want to be in the first place ), you’ll actually be without a profession.
And financially dependent on your wife…..
How will you feel about that?

Which leads me to wonder…
Does she even have a job offer yet in NY?
Or will you both be unemployed?

And if so, how are you going to even acquire/afford a rental in one of the most expensive cities in the world - without a current employment reference?

You say you “doubt she’s willing to wait that long” to take the time required to obtain her British citizenship before emigrating? (Even tho’ you assert she’d “stay if I insisted”)
Which then makes the prospect of any subsequent return, as a married couple to the UK and her employability there, much more difficult.
And if you eventually have children….. the difficulty is further exacerbated - and compounds your “victimhood” (not to speak of the stress on your marriage).

ok….I’d better get out….I know I haven’t offered what you came here seeking - but the issue - as you presented it to us - made what I’ve written the only meaningful reply I could muster.

I hope you have a good life...wherever it will be - and really do wish you well!

Uncle_Bob

i started with 2 weeks and had to work for 5 years to get 3 weeks. They didnt even add a day extra each year. I have to work for 20 years to get 4 weeks.

Given that I'm expected to work more than 40 hours a week, be in the office at 7am for conference calls with the India team, have the company email app on my smartphone so that i can join in the competition on who is first to respond to an email outside of normal office hours, none of which used to be the norm. A few sickies are well justified

Hotscot

Another one of my jobs was for a Japanese company specialising in forensic data analysis.
One week's vacation after working for one year.

scrubbedexpat091

No...

Sally Redux

Sally Redux

Yes it's just a personal thing. I don't suggest people are being either unkind or fake. I just, personally, don't like being pointed out as different.

Bob

I had good allowance, but that wasn't the norm, the missus has good allowance, but new hires there start on 5 days and that's better than a few of the other banks around.

5-10 days starting, rather than after a year is more the norm, but with it being PTO and ability to take it without much notice and to have decent medical insurance is more the norm for professional jobs around here.

AmerLisa

I would say in tech companies it probably is the norm. Out of two companies, both have been virtually the same for vacation time. A fluke? Maybe, but I think one of the ways of attracting prospective employees to these jobs is PTO days.

Would be interested in hearing from someone else working in these industries and what they are getting.

I should add that this time off doesn't compare to what he got in the UK. You really can't compare to 6 weeks, can you?

carolina212

^^
Sage advice

In case things don't work out well, do you feel you could talk to your wife and work out a solution of A) going back or B) finding some compromise where you BOTH get to be happy?

Things don't have to go swimmingly (there are gonna be some bumpy times if you stay or if you relocate), what's important is knowing you have a supportive and sensible partner who's willing to work WITH you and not against you in case you feel stuck there

Bob

Am in the tech industry.

Senior exec/manager positions, perhaps....average bod, not so much for the first year. It's definitely much better than the norm, but the 21/28 days starting from day one is not the norm, but certainly much quicker to attain rather than the 5-10 years service of other industries.

TMR

MMcD, I appreciate your insight. You articulated much of what has been going through my mind and our marriage is something I have to consider.

Fact is she has lived here for me without argument, not wishing to reciprocate when she would like to return bothers me. Career-wise I'm willing to test the job market there, fortunately she earns a good enough wage that we could survive on until I'm in work. I'm 34 and 8 years' qualified as a solicitor.

She works for a US investment bank (senior financial analyst) and has an opportunity to move up in her career back in NYC. She also misses the city and her friends.

"Is she even aware that the dismay over the move and your sense of foreboding are so profound that they’ve motivated you to reach out to complete strangers on the web for advice and commiseration?"

I wanted advice from those who may have had the same feelings. For all I knew reluctance was a natural part of relocating. I just come with extra baggage of not liking the destination all that much. In my student days I dismissed America as a warmongering, greedy country full of stupidity, and never thought to challenge those preconceptions since. I've been told to take off the blinkers on here, and yes I do need to. I've visited the US dozens of times for family commitments and enjoyed myself. I just struggled to see myself there long term.

Thank you for the well wishes. Honestly what I've learned from this thread has been invaluable!

AmerLisa

Ok, this is what he says:

There are no standards in the US, obviously, but he says he's never heard of this industry offering such low PTO days. He hasn't researched every company and it may be regional, but it's not the norm. And he's not senior exec or a manager.

Pulaski

Maybe it's somewhat regional, with Mrs Bob's bank only giving five days in the first year, ..... ... and other banks giving even less, from what Bob said. And I thought banks were supposed to be generous with their holiday time?

Certainly I wouldn't switch employers for such a massive drop in holiday time. I did look (very) briefly at jobs with a couple of local retailers shortly after I moved down here, but the holiday allowance was terrible. Even before other negative factors were considered, the poor holiday allowance was probably a deal killer on it's own.

AmerLisa

We're not talking about banks, we're talking about the tech industry. Have no idea about banks.

Pulaski

Right, I know, but from what said both he (Bob) in the tech industry, and Mrs Bob, in banking, are both reporting $4!tty holiday allowances, hence my suggestion that it might be regional, rather than industry specific.