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How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Old Jan 31st 2006, 1:35 am
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

My biggest fear is getting back to blighty and thinking "What have I done". I had to cajole my hubby into coming to Australia in the first place, and have had to cajole him a bit into the idea of returning home again (although not as much as I had thought!).

Although we should have citizenship before we return (if they don't increase the time limit until after 1st July), the upheaval of coming back to Australia again if we thought we had made the biggest mistake of our lives by returning to the UK would just be too much - hubby wouldn't do it. Plus having to go through the whole goodbye to family again - just doesn't bear thinking about!

I have been back to the UK 3 times in the 18 months that we have been here, but only started thinking that I wanted to go back to the UK after returning this time round. My decision is totally based on the interaction I saw between my son and his grandparents, and I feel so guilty fo rhaving split them apart again. Now that my son has turned 2, the cost of the flight becomes prohibitively expensive so returning again for a visit would be who knows when.

But each time we have gone back, it has only been for 2 weeks at a time, so I do worry about how I would feel there long term, but at the same time, the UK is still a big enough place to move around in if the area we settled into wasn't as we hoped for. Our situation is complicated by the fact that we moved around so much in the UK before coming to Australia - I'm from Plymouth, hubby from Stockport, and we lived in Cambridge, Wolverhampton, Bradford, Stafford, Derby and Manchester. We are thinking that we might try Bristol when we return - anyone have an opinion??? Seems to be a good place in between the grandparents in Plymouth and Stockport, but has IT jobs for hubby.

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Old Jan 31st 2006, 3:18 am
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

"My biggest fear is getting back to blighty and thinking "What have I done". I had to cajole my hubby into coming to Australia in the first place, and have had to cajole him a bit into the idea of returning home again" - although we both wanted to come here this is one of my biggest fears too.

My desire to return home has upset our relationship in a very big way and at the moment I'm not even sure we're going to get through this. But if he does find of way of giving it a go in the UK and it turns out I was wrong....... :scared:

There is so much to consider and unfortunately no way of telling the future or predicting how things will turn out. It always amazes me how bad people are generally at working out what will make them happy!

At the moment I am sticking with my gut instinct that however hard a move back might be it has to be better than committing here when it doesn't feel right......I just hope it doesn't cost me a ten year relationship in the process...


Originally Posted by Mummy
My biggest fear is getting back to blighty and thinking "What have I done". I had to cajole my hubby into coming to Australia in the first place, and have had to cajole him a bit into the idea of returning home again (although not as much as I had thought!).

Although we should have citizenship before we return (if they don't increase the time limit until after 1st July), the upheaval of coming back to Australia again if we thought we had made the biggest mistake of our lives by returning to the UK would just be too much - hubby wouldn't do it. Plus having to go through the whole goodbye to family again - just doesn't bear thinking about!

I have been back to the UK 3 times in the 18 months that we have been here, but only started thinking that I wanted to go back to the UK after returning this time round. My decision is totally based on the interaction I saw between my son and his grandparents, and I feel so guilty fo rhaving split them apart again. Now that my son has turned 2, the cost of the flight becomes prohibitively expensive so returning again for a visit would be who knows when.

But each time we have gone back, it has only been for 2 weeks at a time, so I do worry about how I would feel there long term, but at the same time, the UK is still a big enough place to move around in if the area we settled into wasn't as we hoped for. Our situation is complicated by the fact that we moved around so much in the UK before coming to Australia - I'm from Plymouth, hubby from Stockport, and we lived in Cambridge, Wolverhampton, Bradford, Stafford, Derby and Manchester. We are thinking that we might try Bristol when we return - anyone have an opinion??? Seems to be a good place in between the grandparents in Plymouth and Stockport, but has IT jobs for hubby.

Catherine
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Old Jan 31st 2006, 3:32 am
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by ShozInOz
If you wanted a more structured way of deciding, try this:

1. Brainstorm (whole family or self and partner) everything that is important to you in life, e.g.: career opportunities, pay, tax, family, old friends, basic cost of living (food, petrol, bills etc), cost of houses, weather/climate, access to other countries and cultures, places to visit within a x hours car drive, places to go on holiday within x hours flying, culture, arts, restaurants, cafes, heritage, sport, things to do for kids, education system, politics, television, music scene, pubs, landscape, annual leave entitlements, health system, etc. The rules for brainstorming are that no criticism or filtering is allowed during the actuall brainstorming. anything goes.

2. Once you have a pretty full list, go through and combine any things that should really be grouped as one (e.g. restaurants and cafes).

3. Give each a rating of 1 (Very poor), 2 (Poor), 3 (OK), 4 (Good), or 5 (Very good) for both where you live now or where you might possibly otherwise live in Australia ('here') (e.g. Sydney) and where you would perhaps live in the UK ('there') (e.g. Bournemouth).

4. Give each criteria a weighting to indicate how important it is, from 1 (fairly important), 2 (important), 3 (very important).

5. Multiply the ratings from step 3 with the weightings from step 4.

6. Add up the figures for here and there separately.

7. See what you find.
Funny you should mention my old home town of Bournemouth. I left there for 'good' in June 1999. I am married to a great Canadian woman, have 3 fabulous kids and a house and a steady job and my wife and I are working on a business of our own too.
I believe my children are better off in Canada and I could never tear my wife away from her family and friends, but god I'm so homesick. It weighs on my mind everyday. I like Ontario but I just haven't gelled - people are nice and include me but I'm always the 'Brit' and easy to rib and just a little bit different.
I can join every club and organisation in the area, doesn't matter, as soon as I open my mouth I'm set apart. Yes, sometimes it can be nice to get the attention that the accent affords but mostly it's a pain in the arse. I would love to go just one day without someone asking me to repeat something I said because they didn't catch it the first time. I never had that problem in the UK.
I want to be able to go on a day out and see something of cultural or historical significance, not just malls and (some admittedly spectacular) scenery. My goodness I sound ungrateful because I know in the grand scheme of things I have a lot to be grateful for and I don't regret moving to Innisfil, best place I've lived in Ontario so far and the people are mostly really good and friendly, I just think the problem lies with me struggling to find some sort of identity here and sense of belonging. Or maybe it's just that I need the $1000 cure a visit back home. Or maybe I'm having a bad day and just need to vent. And thanks for reading my blah blah blah
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Old Jan 31st 2006, 3:37 am
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by jonthelad
Or maybe it's just that I need the $1000 cure a visit back home. Or maybe I'm having a bad day and just need to vent. And thanks for reading my blah blah blah
don't worry your amoungst people who understand in this thread

sometimes I wonder if it's just a visit back I need, to get it out of my system...I haven't been to the U.k in over 5 years :scared:
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Old Jan 31st 2006, 7:41 am
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Hi everyone,

Been reading all this thread and some of it has really hit home with me.
Making a decision to return isn't easy, in fact I reckon its harder as when we went to Oz we really didn't know what we were going to but going back to UK we do know what its like, the high house prices for one. You just have to weigh up the pros and cons like the others have said. We had a lovely house, good money coming in, son happy in school and thriving but there was something missing and we just couldn't put our finger on it, we had friends, I even had a lovely daughter there too so what was it missing?

Now we have returned I can say its just the culture, the history, knowing that rellies are in the same country is as absolute bonus even though we dont live near some of them. Yes I do miss my lovely house in WA, the space of it and the blue skies but here I feel so much better and that knot has gone comletely. We can go for walks when we want even though its cold or wet, we love it.

It all takes time to adjust, making decisions isnt easy, but once you ahve made that decision life becomes easier.

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Old Jan 31st 2006, 1:15 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by Celtic_Angel
don't worry your amoungst people who understand in this thread

sometimes I wonder if it's just a visit back I need, to get it out of my system...I haven't been to the U.k in over 5 years :scared:
Thanks! I needed to vent sooo badly! I didn't really WANT to move to Canada in the first place but fate played a hand in that my wife found out she was expecting.
Prior to this the plan was that I spend a summer and part of a winter in Canada and she would do the same in England and then we could decide what we wanted to do. Sadly her visit to England never happened and she stayed in Canada near family. So, I ended up stuck in Canada.
I've tried to make the best of it and I'm so busy now with my second job on my wife's business (a community events-based newspaper) that the days fly by like a blur. It used to just be during quieter moments that I'd think about home and how much I miss my family and my old country, despite the media splash about Chavs and ASBO's and how the country is falling to ruin etc. But the feeling now is something that permeates almost every moment.

I haven't been back to the UK since April 2003, which was for my father's funeral, which was not what you would call the most positive experience of my life but after we buried him, the few days I spent with friends taking me on day trips round the Dorset and Somerset countryside and on the coast reminded me of the magic of living down there (despite rising house costs etc) and I wish I could go back, if not to live then for a regular vacation e.g. one week every 6 months!

In reality, I have 6 year old twins in Grade 1 who are on their 3rd school in 3 years and I promised them they would not change schools again for a good while! I have put roots down here now and I know I am not going anywhere for a long time.

I know I am (and I'm going back to that awful word) 'stuck' here with a that sense of really belonging somewhere else. I'm hoping that I can get to the UK this year for a quick vacation to see if I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses or not!
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Old Jan 31st 2006, 1:42 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by jonthelad
I haven't been back to the UK since April 2003, which was for my father's funeral, which was not what you would call the most positive experience of my life but after we buried him, the few days I spent with friends taking me on day trips round the Dorset and Somerset countryside and on the coast reminded me of the magic of living down there (despite rising house costs etc) and I wish I could go back, if not to live then for a regular vacation e.g. one week every 6 months!
I hear ya on that one! The last 3 times I've been back are for my dad's funeral, mum's terminal illness and mum's funeral. All of which where during the winter, and each time, although very sad and emotional situations, were also positive times being back.
Regular trips back would be great in the ideal world, but who these days can afford the money or time off needed?
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Old Jan 31st 2006, 5:15 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by jonthelad
Thanks! I needed to vent sooo badly! I didn't really WANT to move to Canada in the first place but fate played a hand in that my wife found out she was expecting.
Prior to this the plan was that I spend a summer and part of a winter in Canada and she would do the same in England and then we could decide what we wanted to do. Sadly her visit to England never happened and she stayed in Canada near family. So, I ended up stuck in Canada.
I've tried to make the best of it and I'm so busy now with my second job on my wife's business (a community events-based newspaper) that the days fly by like a blur. It used to just be during quieter moments that I'd think about home and how much I miss my family and my old country, despite the media splash about Chavs and ASBO's and how the country is falling to ruin etc. But the feeling now is something that permeates almost every moment.

I haven't been back to the UK since April 2003, which was for my father's funeral, which was not what you would call the most positive experience of my life but after we buried him, the few days I spent with friends taking me on day trips round the Dorset and Somerset countryside and on the coast reminded me of the magic of living down there (despite rising house costs etc) and I wish I could go back, if not to live then for a regular vacation e.g. one week every 6 months!

In reality, I have 6 year old twins in Grade 1 who are on their 3rd school in 3 years and I promised them they would not change schools again for a good while! I have put roots down here now and I know I am not going anywhere for a long time.

I know I am (and I'm going back to that awful word) 'stuck' here with a that sense of really belonging somewhere else. I'm hoping that I can get to the UK this year for a quick vacation to see if I'm wearing rose-tinted glasses or not!
sigh I really do feel for you..you sound just like me...I never deliberately moved to the States either( my husband is an American)..I have all the same mixed emotions you do...and to make it worse my oldest kids are 10 and 9 and not getting any younger...I'm afraid that by the time we have the financial ability to return to the U.K ...it won't be returning to the kids and they will resent me moving them to a foreign country!!

"sigh" ...I think winning the Lottery is the only answer
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Old Jan 31st 2006, 8:09 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by Celtic_Angel
sigh I really do feel for you..you sound just like me...I never deliberately moved to the States either( my husband is an American)..I have all the same mixed emotions you do...and to make it worse my oldest kids are 10 and 9 and not getting any younger...I'm afraid that by the time we have the financial ability to return to the U.K ...it won't be returning to the kids and they will resent me moving them to a foreign country!!

"sigh" ...I think winning the Lottery is the only answer
Ditto here CA. My kids are 3 and 6 now. We're trying to decide if we can afford to move back to the UK early next year or if we just have to accept that we're here indefinitely. I've just got US citizenship, which removed one barrier for us, but I'm not sure if it's financially feasible for us to move at this point. It's hard because my parents are getting older and I have a sibling who has a chronic illness and who may need help once my parents are gone. It would make it a lot easier to help her if we were in the UK. And, of course, should we move, we also worry about how it will affect our children. Our eldest child has already moved 3 times in 6 years and the last transition was very difficult for her.
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Old Feb 1st 2006, 12:30 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by Neathborn
Ditto here CA. My kids are 3 and 6 now. We're trying to decide if we can afford to move back to the UK early next year or if we just have to accept that we're here indefinitely. I've just got US citizenship, which removed one barrier for us, but I'm not sure if it's financially feasible for us to move at this point. It's hard because my parents are getting older and I have a sibling who has a chronic illness and who may need help once my parents are gone. It would make it a lot easier to help her if we were in the UK. And, of course, should we move, we also worry about how it will affect our children. Our eldest child has already moved 3 times in 6 years and the last transition was very difficult for her.
Celtic Angel, thanks for your kinds words. Neathborn, you sound like you have a horribly difficuly decision to make.
There is no 'perfect' solution to your dilemma. You have children to think of and in my opinion they are the first consideration. If I didn't have kids I would have been able to go back to the UK a long time ago for a year or so at least, to give my wife and I a good idea of where we BOTH would be happiest. Moving 3 times in 6 year is hard on anyone but especially a child - they need routine and familiarity and the comfort of a group of friends, especially a best friend and that is hard to acquire if one is moving.

Of course, watching your parents grow old and frail is worrying and it must be so hard for you to be so far away, especially as you have a sibling who will need assistance. Although it may be a cold thing to say, you must consider who you are living your life for, as well. Would your sibling be happy if your children were miserable because they had moved countries again?

The only thing I can suggest (and it is rather obvious advice) is that IF you choose to move again, do it with the full support of your immediate family, make sure everyone is consulted and you are able guarantee your kids that it is a permanent move . Likely easier said than done.

No matter what happens, I wish you all the very best
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Old Feb 1st 2006, 1:00 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by jonthelad
I can join every club and organisation in the area, doesn't matter, as soon as I open my mouth I'm set apart. Yes, sometimes it can be nice to get the attention that the accent affords but mostly it's a pain in the arse. I would love to go just one day without someone asking me to repeat something I said because they didn't catch it the first time. I never had that problem in the UK.
I want to be able to go on a day out and see something of cultural or historical significance, not just malls and (some admittedly spectacular) scenery. My goodness I sound ungrateful because I know in the grand scheme of things I have a lot to be grateful for and I don't regret moving to Innisfil, best place I've lived in Ontario so far and the people are mostly really good and friendly, I just think the problem lies with me struggling to find some sort of identity here and sense of belonging.
Oh boy, that sums me up too, I so hate having to repeat myself and having to find words that are correct for here...it's a small thing, and part of being a foreigner I suppose, but I never felt so 'different' when I lived in France, and there I was operating in a completely different language!!

I'm sorry about your dilemma jonthelad, if it's any consolation we spend all our vacation time in Ontario, the people and the country are so wonderful. Plus of course you can get lots of Brit food in the supermarkets, and having a drink is OK, whereas here in the US it's clearly a sign that you are an alcoholic.
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Old Feb 1st 2006, 6:40 pm
  #42  
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

I imagine that the longer you live somewhere ( quite happily as you have done) the harder it is to leave that place and it must definitely be harder to find somewhere to settle and really feel like your're 'home' if you leave Brisbane?

It sounds to me from your post that you are happy being there but there is just that 'something' missing? Maybe it's not about coming back to the UK, maybe you need to get something else out of where you live? Closer friends maybe?

It's a hard one because if you feel it's paradise I can't imagine you'll feel the same about the UK?

But then you can always go back..people do it, its not out of the question?








Originally Posted by PADDAD
We have in Brisbane for over 2 and half years and yesterday received our Australian citizenship.

However we have been in a state of confusion for sometime now as to whether we should return to the U.K.

I have read many of the posts re: reasons for returning to the UK and I have to agree with all of the reasons given i.e. missing friends and family and a sense of belonging. So why is it then that we are finding it so impossible to reach a decision about going back home?

I have to be honest and say that both my husband and I love where we live -the sense of privacy, space, tropical birds, peace and tranquility is truly paradise.

We have met a number of people and have got involved in some organisations but we haven't 'really' gelled with anyone - I know this takes time but from what I gather from reading this forum it isn't unusual to feel this way even after 5 years of living here.

The question is, will we ever settle or are we striving in the hope that we will when in reality we probably won't? What are the real statistics for poms settling in other countries not their own?

I am becoming increasingly exasperated by it all and time is ticking - as someone on this forum said ' life isn't a rehearsal' and we can't keep living as if in a state of limbo.

Any advice would be graciously received.
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Old Feb 1st 2006, 8:27 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by janeyray
I imagine that the longer you live somewhere ( quite happily as you have done) the harder it is to leave that place and it must definitely be harder to find somewhere to settle and really feel like your're 'home' if you leave Brisbane?

It sounds to me from your post that you are happy being there but there is just that 'something' missing? Maybe it's not about coming back to the UK, maybe you need to get something else out of where you live? Closer friends maybe?

It's a hard one because if you feel it's paradise I can't imagine you'll feel the same about the UK?

But then you can always go back..people do it, its not out of the question?
You're right of course Janeyray we do love the lifestyle here but I also miss the four seasons in the U.K., that 'coming alive' feeling in early spring, the daylight saving and the list goes on. I think we will settle back somehow (hopefully).

Unfortunately time is not on our side since our eldest son has just started year 10 in Oz and the fact that he could start year 11 in Sept in the U.K. is a daunting one because he wouldn't have finished year 10 here. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I think I've come around to the idea of returning but hubby is still trying to decide. I have a feeling that the idea of starting a new job is not something that thrills him. He has said before that he almost wishes he'd never come to Oz because then he wouldn't know any better insofar as having a great lifestyle. He was quite happy living in the U.K. but I was the driving force behind our move to Oz so I feel that I have to go gently with him. Having said that, I have 3 estate agents coming to value our property tomorrow but then I'm dropping the reins so fingers crossed.
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Old Feb 1st 2006, 9:50 pm
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by PADDAD

Unfortunately time is not on our side since our eldest son has just started year 10 in Oz and the fact that he could start year 11 in Sept in the U.K. is a daunting one because he wouldn't have finished year 10 here. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I think I've come around to the idea of returning but hubby is still trying to decide. I have a feeling that the idea of starting a new job is not something that thrills him. He has said before that he almost wishes he'd never come to Oz because then he wouldn't know any better insofar as having a great lifestyle. He was quite happy living in the U.K. but I was the driving force behind our move to Oz so I feel that I have to go gently with him. Having said that, I have 3 estate agents coming to value our property tomorrow but then I'm dropping the reins so fingers crossed.
Even more difficult when you have children at school age, it was hard for the forst few months with our daughter but she was only 7 so it wasn't to bad.

My hubby would have stayed too I think, he seemed indifferent. They never seem to get homesick like the women
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Old Feb 2nd 2006, 1:22 am
  #45  
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Default Re: How do you reach a decision to return to the UK??

Originally Posted by Jessie James
"My biggest fear is getting back to blighty and thinking "What have I done". I had to cajole my hubby into coming to Australia in the first place, and have had to cajole him a bit into the idea of returning home again" - although we both wanted to come here this is one of my biggest fears too.

My desire to return home has upset our relationship in a very big way and at the moment I'm not even sure we're going to get through this. But if he does find of way of giving it a go in the UK and it turns out I was wrong....... :scared:



At the moment I am sticking with my gut instinct that however hard a move back might be it has to be better than committing here when it doesn't feel right......I just hope it doesn't cost me a ten year relationship in the process...
i hope it doesnt cost me mine (marriage) - either :scared:
its hard/horrible to admit it, but whatever issues were going on in your relationship....well, you all dream and plan and say, when we get to oz (or wherever) we'll do things this way instead.... But we are all creatures of habit and with the move and all the other stresses you dont have the time/energy to put in all the extras/changes you hoped for in the relationship. so when you approach going back, you get scared and think, "nothings changed, only when we get back it'll be worse cos i instigated this move and that may fall back in my face. So, At the moment, im on a "whinge mission" - "if we're going back, lets sort our lives out now rather than trying to when we get back - we know that will be so hard with all the stress going on...etc etc" which is just creating a gulf between me and OH as perhaps men and women prioritise things in different ways.
Im sure (? hopefully ) it'll work out.
if it does for us all, we know we must have a bloody strong marriage. if it doesnt...we've been through plenty of crap along the way so hopefully we'll be stronger to deal with it. and have more support networks around us.
God, i sound a right whinger in this post! Still feel in my heart moving backs right though.
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