malcoltom

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, had finally retired.
At her next checkup, her new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me to sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

malcoltom

A Jamaican goes into a cafe and orders a bacon sandwich. After recieving this, the Jamaican takes a big bite and sinks his teeth into something metal. He looks inside the two slices of bread and is shocked to see a can of fosters.
"What the ***** is this?" he says to the cafe owner.
"I thought you asked for a beer can sandwich," says the owner.

malcoltom

A huge man married a petite and innocent girl who was a virgin.
He was sexually experienced and suggested having sex "doggie style" on their wedding night. She didn't know what he was talking about and when he explained it, she flew into a rage and insisted they have sex using the "normal" position or not at all.
However, after having sex he was unable to withdraw his penis because it was so big and she was so small.
They found themselves in the embarrassing position of having to call an ambulance to take them to the emergency room for help. After hanging up the phone he said, "You know, if you had done it the way I wanted you to we could have walked to the emergency room."

malcoltom

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guy says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’."
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The the dog turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio."

malcoltom

Couldnt resist this one as a mate who lives in Goa sent it and people there are called Goan's
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A radio station in Ireland held a contest for a trip to Germany.All you had to do is say a word that is not in the dictionary but is used in everyday speak.
After a while a man rang up to win.
"Hello sir or Madam.What is your name?"
"John"he replied
"Ok John what is the word you have?"
"It is Goan, spelt G-O-A-N"
"Your right. It is not in the dictionary but please use it a sentence to win the trip"
"Goan and ***** yoursef".
The presenter cut him off straight away.After several unsuccessful attempts another man rings up.
"Hello what is your name?"
"Willie"
"Ok what is your word?"
"Smee" He said.
"Its not in the dictionary but to win the prize use it in a sentence"
"Ok" He said" Smee again Goan and ***** yourself!"

malcoltom

Back from my Army reunion weekend in Blackpool.

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the green fees?" grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the couple. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your *****ing fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago, you bitch!"

malcoltom

I was in a restaurant the other night when a duck came to my table with with a red rose and said my eyes sparkled like diamonds. I said to the waiter, "I asked for aromatic duck!"

malcoltom

I went to the doctors the other day for my monthly check up.
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After examining me, he said, "Everything seems to be fine, but I had your wife in here the other week and she had an unusual concern: she claims that she is usually hot and sweaty after sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly the second time. Do you know why?"
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"Stupid cow", I replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in bloody January".

malcoltom

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C"s.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" "No sweetie, it's because you're 25."

malcoltom

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"De'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

malcoltom

Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.
The more boastful of the two ... went right to it and made love to his date ... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall ... Feeling sprightly, he went again ... and once again at the completion of the act ... marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag ... he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing ... fell asleep.
Awakened by the sun's rays coming in the window ... he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time ... and marked another "l" on the wall ... Just at that time ... His friend enters ... and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims:
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"DAMN - a hundred and eleven ... beat me by three ..."

malcoltom

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.
He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of
matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.
;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

malcoltom

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
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''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

malcoltom

Gordon Brown or Gordon the Useless One as he is known by some of his colleagues was looking for a lady of the night.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, 'I am the Prime Minister of England. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, £200.'
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was £100.
He then asked the redhead
Her reply was, 'Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of petrol, keep me warmer than it is in my flat and screw me the way you have Pensioners, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody penny!'

malcoltom

Little Johnny's mum asked little Johnny if he had enjoyed the school trip. "Yes it was great - we saw sheep, horses, goats, and *****ers."
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Mum: "Er, fine, fine. I know what the sheep and the rest are, but what is a *****er?"
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Johnny: "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk and steaks"
Mum: "But who said they were called, er, *****ers?"
Johnny: "That was our teacher. She called them 'effers,' but we all knew what she meant."