malcoltom

This gent went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go.
She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again.
When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.
"For god's sake," said the man, "get your bloody thumb out of my food!"
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"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
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"Well, why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
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"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

dollface

I'm routing for ya boy!!!! keep going soon be at that 1000

yuggy

burp

dollface

Not you again!!!!!

crumpy10

Good kitchen tips

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake!
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!


To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.

Buy mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year


When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!


If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
'fix-me-up.'

If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please
recite with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it, you will eat it and I
don't care how bad it tastes!'


Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it
will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!


Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.

The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites
over the crust, so I don't.


Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go
away!


If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish washing
gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask that very cute neighbour if he can open it for you.


Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????????? HELLO!!!!!!!

crumpy10

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
>
> Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
>
> The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
>
> The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>
> The man says, "Yes, it is."
>
> Boy: "I have a baseball."
>
> Man: "That's nice."
>
> Boy: "Want to buy it?"
>
> Man: "No, thanks."
>
> Boy: "My Dad's outside."
>
> Man: "OK, how much?"
>
> Boy: "$250."
>
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
>
> Boy: "Dark in here."
>
> Man: "Yes, it is."
>
> Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
>
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>
> Boy: "$750."
>
> Man: "Sold."
>
> A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside
> and have a game of catch."
>
> The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
>
> The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>
> Boy: "$1,000."
>
> The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
>
> They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
>
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
>
> The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now!'

malcoltom

A bloke is sitting in a pub with his Rottweiler when in walks this other guy with an odd looking dog.
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He says to the guy, "hey, mate, that is one ugly looking dog you have there."
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The bloke replies, "yes. I suppose he his, but he is well hard."
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"Nah, mate, my Rotty would tear him to shreds."
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"I tell you what, we will fight them outside and, whoever loses, the owner has to get all the beer in."
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"Okay, mate, let's do it."
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Well, there is blood, fur, teeth, bones and shhit going everywhere. Eventually the Rotty collapses on the floor very much defeated.
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The guy says, "I tell you what, mate, your dog truly is well hard, but I still say it's the oddest looking dog I've ever seen."
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The bloke replies, "yeah, I thought that too, but he actually looked worse until I shaved his mane off."

malcoltom

YOU NEED TO SAY THIS IN A GEORDIE ACCENT!
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A Geordie went to his doctor and said, "hey, Doc, I've got a problem with me shhit! It smells of chocolate and coconut!"
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And the Doc replied, "well, it's bounty man!"

malcoltom

A suicide bomber arrives in paradise after blowing himself up and is greeted by Mohammed.
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"Welcome my son! Now as you know, all suicide bombers are blessed in paradise with many, many virgins, now let me introduce you to them all!"
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The bomber could hardly contain his excitement as he was led in to a room by Mohammed.
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"Right, here we have Dave, James, Paul, Elton, Stevie, Jack, Sean, Charlie......"

malcoltom

Couple have a baby but unfortunately it's only a head . Doctors tell them its a rare condition that can be cured and that they can graft a body on but only when the child is five . They take Eddie home , put him on the mantlepiece and wait.
One day the parents waken Eddie up by saying ' Happy birthday son , you 're five today and boy do we have a big surprise for you ' '
<
And Eddie says ' Not another *****ing hat '



I' m still laughing now. Thats funny

malcoltom

Harry is a top ventriloquist but gets arthritis and can't work his puppet any more. After looking around for something else that he could make a living with, he decides to become a medium. So he sets up in his basement and soon gets his first customer, a widow.
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"Can you help me get in touch with my dead husband, Stanley?" she sniffs.
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"Sure I can," says Harry. "I can guarantee it."
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"And how much will it be?"
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"Oh, I'm very reasonable, you can have the £40 session or the £60 session."
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"What's the difference?" she said.
<
"Well, for £40 you get to hear his voice and for £60 you get to hear his voice while I drink a glass of water."

malcoltom

The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to Bognor Regis for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a second hand Fiesta."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make, canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

malcoltom

I walked into a pharmacy and asked the bloke behind the till if he had anything for hiccups, so he turned round and threw a glass of water over me, i said "what the ***** do you think you're doing" he replied "you havn't got hiccups now have you?"
I replied "no, but the wife has and she's sat in the taxi outside"

malcoltom

A pretty little girl is walking down the road one day with a fluffy white cat and a dog. A little old lady is walking by who notices the girl and says "Hello, aren't you a pretty little thing. What's your name?"
"Summer" says the girl.
"Oh thats a lovely name isn't it. Why did your mummy choose it" said the lady.
"Well my mummy says my smile reminds me of the happiness she gets on a warm sunny day" she added. "Well isn't that nice. And what is this little fellow's name" she says while looking at the cute fluffy cat. "Snowy" The girl answers. "Oh thats cute" says the woman, "And how did you come up with that name."
"Well" said the girl, "I think she reminds me of the snow over the hills on a beautiful Christmas morning."
"Oh isn't that just adorable" comments the old lady. She then looks at the dog and says "Who do we have here"
"Thats Porky" says the girl. "Why do you call him that" said the old lady. The girl replies, "It's because he shags pigs."

malcoltom

I'm sorry if they are a bit rude but i must be in one of them moods because i am pissing myself laughing as i am posting them. The years are still rolling down my face , honest.