malcoltom

Why I fired my secretary:
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.

malcoltom

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying basta*d! You've been playing golf!"

malcoltom

Ryan air pilot Paddy is flying into Manchester.
The plane is in trouble, so he calls the tower and says, "HELP,HELP! Easter, News Years Eve, Bank holiday Monday, Pancake Tuesday, Halloween, Bonfire night !".
A voice comes back and says, " For gods sake Paddy, it's Mayday ".

malcoltom

An elderly man has just moved to England, when he is taken ill and decides that he needs to see a doctor. In the doctor's waiting room, he tries to find out a bit about the doctor. He asks the man sitting next to him if the doctor is a specialist.
He replies that the doctor specializes in "everything"
The man thinks about this and looks nervous. He asks the man if the doctor's fees are expensive.
The man says: "Well, he is and he isn't. You see, he charges you one thousand quid for your first visit."
The man looks even more worried now and exclaims in amazement, "A thousand quid?"
The man replies, "Yes, but all your visits after that for the rest of your life are free!"
The man thinks about this, and then gets called by the nurse to go in to see the doctor. On entering the doctor's office he says casually . . .
"Hello doctor, I'M BACK!"

malcoltom

Harry announces his plans to marry a 19 year old stripper on his 75th birthday.
His doctor says to him "I think you should reconsider, prolonged sex with a girl that young could be fatal".
Harry shrugs his shoulders and says, "If she dies, she dies!"

malcoltom

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 .....please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

malcoltom

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a
Bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,. "What man here will buy lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly eyed drunk named Paddy slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it
down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on
the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me
Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
Paddy replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has
got to be a ballerina"....

malcoltom

I was looking at my wife getting undressed for bed the other night and I told her that I'm going to get her one of those new "sheepdog bras" for her birthday.
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"A sheepdog bra?" she replied.
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"Yeah, it rounds them up and points them in the right direction."

malcoltom

teacher is complaining to the principal that her young class won't use grown-up words. He tells her just to correct them and they'll catch on so the teacher agrees. After lunch, the class all talk about what they did at the weekend. The class speaks one at a time in a circle.
The first child, Miles, says, "I went on a choo-choo."
"No," says the teacher, "you went on a train, use big people words."
The second child Jack says, "I saw my nana."
"No," says the teacher, "you saw your grandmother, use big people words."
The third child Richard says, "I read a book."
"That's wonderful!" says the teacher, "what did you read?"
Little Richard puffs up his little chest with pride and says, "Winnie the Shhit!"

malcoltom

Andrew Lloyd Webber walks into Burger King and says " Give me 2 big Whoppers"
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The guy behind the counters says " You are so good looking and your Musicals are *****ing brilliant!"


Night Night

malcoltom

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia.
He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.
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"Bloody great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!"

malcoltom

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify.
She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"
A little girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"
"It's a cow, teacher."
"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.
Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"
Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny basta*d!"

malcoltom

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
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The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
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It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

malcoltom

Apparently, Roman Abramovic offered to send the Chelsea squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

malcoltom

Two Irishman are making letter bombs.
Paddy says "Mick do you think I have put enough explosive in this envelope"
Mick says " Don't know, open it and see"
"But it'll explode" says Paddy
"Don't Be Stupid" Mick says "It's not addressed to you!!"