malcoltom

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
Forthcoming wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "I've got everything organized
Already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,
The minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Havens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!
"And what's the tartan?" Archie then enquires..........
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

malcoltom

Prince Charles and Camilla make a surprise visit to a Alzheimer's clinic which caters for people in the early stages of the disease!After spending about an hour with two of the patients they left ,
The one patient turns to the other and says "Prince Charles looks well" then pauses before saying, "but ***** me Diana's let herself go a bit"

HILARIOUS.

malcoltom

This is funny


Why Parents

Drink



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

' Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy
there?'

' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they
searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...



' ME '

malcoltom

Paddy phoned the police to report that thieves had broken into his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way, the phone rang a second time. "Never mind," said Paddy, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

malcoltom

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."

malcoltom

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of
a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while,
and said: " Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells:
"You basta*d, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't *****ing understand a thing!"

malcoltom

Man in street market shouting, "BLOW UP DOLLS £40!"
<
A bloke says to him, "I bought one here yesterday and it went down on me ... "
<
Man shouts, "BLOW UP DOLLS £80!"

malcoltom

As the ambulance pulls up to the scene of a car crash, the driver looks across at the pink, upturned Nova. He fetches his medical kit and races across to the vehicle, crouching to examine the blond girl at the wheel of the battered car. As he studies the red smears on the upholstery he asks, "can you tell me where you're bleeding from?"
<
"Essex," she replies.

malcoltom

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'This here is a very special 'casion...our weddin' night, and we need a good room with a strong bed.'
The clerk winked and asked, 'Do you want the Bridal?'
The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, 'No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it.'

malcoltom

As part of their latest advertising drive, McDonalds send an executive to the Vatican City to meet the Pope. The executive finally gets to see the Pope, and explains his proposal.
"Holy Father", says the executive. "I come to you today with a most solemn proposition. I represent McDonalds, and would like to ask that in the prayer of Our Father, if instead of saying 'Give us this day our daily bread' you could change the words to 'Give us this day our Big Mac'. In return, our organisation will donate $10 million a year to the Holy Catholic Church."
The Pope sits in silence for a few minutes, and replies, "My child, you do understand that this is the Lord's Prayer you want to alter, the most revered and widely prayed of all Catholic prayers?"
"Oh yes Father," replies the executive, "but think of all the good that can be done with the money we are offering you." The Pope says "I must discuss this first with my council of Cardinals before such a decision can be made. I will get back to you in one month."
The following week, the Pope summons all of his Cardinals to the Vatican to explain the proposition.
"Gentlemen," says the Pope. "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, a most lovely gentleman from McDonalds has pledged us $10 million a year, but first we must alter some of the words of the Lord's Prayer."
The Cardinals all beam with happiness, as one replies, "Holy Father, what is the bad news?"
The Pope replies, "We'll have to cancel our sponsorship deal with Hovis."

malcoltom

A woman visits a psychiatrist about her sex life.
The psychiatrist asks 'do you ever look at your husband during sex'?
'Yes once' the woman replied, 'and he looked very angry'
And why do you think that was?' the psychiatrist asks.
'Probably because he was looking through the window'

malcoltom

Prince Charles goes down the sewers to meet some drainage workers. He is introduced to old Alf, who's been working in the sewers for forty years.
"This work is far more interesting than you may think" says Alf to Charles, "for instance, see that turd over there? You can tell that's from the hairdressers on the High Street, because of all the bits of cut hair stuck to it"
"Mmm, fascinating," says the Prince.
"And, you see that one over there?" says Alf. "Well that's from the garage on the next industrial estate, you can tell by the oily sheen on it."
"Extraordinary," says the Prince, "what about that rather large one, over there, in the corner?" asks the Prince.
"Why," says Alf, "thats from my very own house, that's one of my wife's turds."
"Incredible!" exclaims Charles, "how on earth can you tell?"
"Easy," replies Alf, "it's got my sandwiches tied to it."

malcoltom

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the basta*ds anything!"

malcoltom

You are in a pub when you realise you have to pass wind. The music is turned up loud so you time your farts to go with the beat. After a couple of songs you start to feel better. As you finish your pint, you notice that everyone is staring at you.
Then you remember you are listening to your ipod.!!!

malcoltom

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?
<
A map!