malcoltom

A guy goes into a pub and asks for '2 whiskeys, one for me and one for my mate'
The landlord says "is your mate coming in later?" The man says "No, he is in my pocket," and pulls out a perfect little 6" high man.
"He can't drink whiskey" says the landlord.
"Yes he can," says the guy and the tiny man drinks the glass of whiskey.
"He can't even walk," says the landlord. The guy tells the little man to walk and he walks up and down on top of the bar.
"He can't even talk," says the landlord.
"Yes he can" says the guy.
He says to the little man, "Tell him about the time you called that witch doctor a *****ing wanker!"

malcoltom

A long one to finish todays spot

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner:
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1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
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And now, the honorable mentions:
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2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around,submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
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3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
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4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
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5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
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6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
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7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
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8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
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9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti Michigan, at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

malcoltom

What is the definition of embarrassment?
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Running in to a wall with an erection and breaking your nose first

malcoltom

Alex Ferguson is the one of the guests of honour at the Miss World Beauty pageant. During the interval all the guests and contestants are mingling over drinks. Sir Alex is besieged by 3 of the most beautiful women in the world.
Miss Venezuela pops the first question :- Sir Alex, I admire your management skills and all you have achieved and the trophies you have won. Sir Alex acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the left strap of her dress and reveals her left breast and says ........ "Can you autograph my left breast please?" Sir Alex now bemused, duly obliges....
Miss Croatia pops the second question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you play psychological games with your opponents even before you play them. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lowers the right strap of her dress and reveals her right breast and says..... "Can you autograph my right breast please?" Sir Alex again bemused, duly obliges....
Miss Argentina pops the third question :- Sir Alex, I admire the way you motivate your players and shield them like they were your own sons. Sir Alex again acknowledges her flattering remark, but she then lifts up her dress and reveals the fact she is wearing no underwear at all, and says......."Can you please autograph this please"
Sir Alex totally gob smacked by now says "Hang on a minute love, no. no. no..!! .. last time I signed an Argentinean kunt....it cost me £28 million!

malcoltom

Took my new Skoda back to the garage, and told the mechanic that I couldn't get past 71 up the steep hill opposite.
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"Not bad for a Skoda," he replied.
"But I live at 95." I told him.

malcoltom

I married a suicide bomber, but she went off with somebody else.

malcoltom

young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.
His grandfather continued to tell the young fellow that later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"
His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.
"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed into her bedroom, and I go to into my bedroom. And she yells, "***** YOU!" And I holler back, "***** YOU TOO."

malcoltom

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. As they got to the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping sound coming from the shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"The fools!" the old man grumbled, "They spelt my name wrong."

malcoltom

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
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The Arab asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The Jew replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."
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The Arab shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!" The Jew replied "OK, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill, about four miles is a nice restaurant. They have all the water you need."
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The Arab begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
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Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The Jew said, "I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
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The Arab rasped, "I found it all right, but your brother wouldn't let me in without a *****ing tie."

malcoltom

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

malcoltom

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist and he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
'Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
'Well , that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '

malcoltom

One afternoon Paddy and Mick were having a pint at a pub across from a brothel. For the craic, they sat in the front so they could watch the comings and goings across the street. The two lads were shocked when a Presbyterian minister walked into the brothel.
"Begod," says Paddy, "that's a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!"
A while later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel.
"Ah," says Mick, "wouldja lookit that! Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!"
More time passed and a Catholic priest walked into the brothel. Both men sat up in their bar stools with concern. Paddy turned to Mick and says in a whisper -
"Didja see that, Mick? One of them girls must be on the deathbed!"

malcoltom

It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
After several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'

malcoltom

Three couples go on holiday together. On the first night the guys are in the hotel bar and they're talking about how many times they're going to get a shag that night. They agree that when they come down for breakfast in the morning they should have a code to let each other know how many times they got lucky. They decide that they should watch how many spoonfuls of sugar they each put in their tea.
Next morning they're all sat at the breakfast table. The first guy looks pleased with himself and puts three spoons of sugar in his tea. The second guy looks even more pleased and takes four spoons of sugar. The third guy looks really pissed off and gets a spoonful of jam.

malcoltom

A man on death row is strapped to the electric chair and just as the switch is about to be thrown a fuse blows. The guards quickly unstrap the prisoner and call the 1st electrician they come to in the Yellow pages....Murphys Ltd.
Mick arrives and begins dismantling the chair. After an hour he announces 'its a good job you called me...dis tings a death trap