Bit of fun
Oct 27th 2008, 10:32 pm
#211
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Joined: Jul 2007
Location: Paraparaumu, Kapiti Coast
Posts: 118
Re: Bit of fun
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Jason was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Jason
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're s*itting the bed"
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Jason was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Jason
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're s*itting the bed"
Oct 28th 2008, 1:49 pm
#212
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
In a small town in the south of Ireland, there were two churches, as there always are in small towns in the south of Ireland, a small, modest Protestant church and a large, fancy Catholic church. On a certain Saturday, the Catholic priest came down with the flu and he called and asked the Protestant pastor to substitute for him at Mass on the following Sunday. The pastor told the priest that he would like to help, but he knew nothing of the Catholic faith or the rituals of the Mass. The Priest responded that there were several alter boys and priests in training who would help him through the rough spots, but he really needed the pastor, because a rousing sermon was the thing his congregation needed the most. Somewhat reluctantly, the pastor agreed.
The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass. At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight. The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various penances, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her penances. Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.
On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well. The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well. He had chosen "The 10 Commandments" because it always goes over well. With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth. The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have sinned. I slept with the neighbour and his son and stole some money from their wallets. Sure enough, he found the sins and penances clearly written out in the priest's neat handwriting.
It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people's private lives. Up to the last person, that is. An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again." The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book. It wasn't there! He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt *****ing", "rectal sex" and everything else he could think of but none of them were in the book! He excused himself and ran into the priest's small office and called him on the telephone. When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give for "anal sex"?
The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream cone. But usually not money."
The priest then asked him to do the confession after the Mass. At this, the pastor drew the line and said that confession was the one thing he would not do, first, because it was in conflict with his own faith and, second, he was certain that he could not keep all of the various penances straight. The priest responded that he too sometimes had difficulty remembering all of the various penances, but he had written them all down in a small book, which he had hidden under the seat. If a person said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have done "this", "that" and "the other thing", he simply had to look them up and give the person his or her penances. Still feeling somewhat uneasy about it, the pastor finally agreed.
On the next day, the mass went surprisingly well. The helpers helped him at all of the right times and the congregation responded to his sermon very well. He had chosen "The 10 Commandments" because it always goes over well. With slightly sweating palms, he finished the Mass and slowly made his way into the confessional booth. The first person, a young woman, said: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I have sinned. I slept with the neighbour and his son and stole some money from their wallets. Sure enough, he found the sins and penances clearly written out in the priest's neat handwriting.
It went the same way for each and every person that followed and he found that he rather enjoyed listening in to all of these people's private lives. Up to the last person, that is. An older man came into the booth, sat down and began: "Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I know that I should not have done it but I have had anal intercourse once again." The pastor looked up "anal intercourse" in the book. It wasn't there! He fervently tried "sodomy", "butt *****ing", "rectal sex" and everything else he could think of but none of them were in the book! He excused himself and ran into the priest's small office and called him on the telephone. When the priest answered, he said: "Quick, tell me, what do you give for "anal sex"?
The priest thought about it and responded, slowly: "Well, it all depends. Sometimes a candy bar. Sometimes an ice cream cone. But usually not money."
Oct 29th 2008, 2:52 pm
#213
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Inglewood in New Plymouth
Posts: 867
Re: Bit of fun
THE REDNECK VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia, South Carolina, Washimgton, DC and parts of Massachusetts.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly
alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb,
(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'
The Alabamian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me,' said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count!
'1'
'2'
'3'
'4'
'5'
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
continued counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, West Virginia, South Carolina, Washimgton, DC and parts of Massachusetts.
Oct 29th 2008, 2:53 pm
#214
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Inglewood in New Plymouth
Posts: 867
Re: Bit of fun
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the spicy aroma of his favourite fruity rock buns wafting through from the kitchen. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, he crawled past the mountains of Marks & Spencer shopping bags & shoe boxes to the kitchen.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the worktop were dozens of his favourite rock buns, nicely spiced and just as he liked them, a touch overdone.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of thirty eight years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the worktop, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, he could almost taste the fruity rock bun before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and arthritic hand
trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly skelped with a wooden spoon by his wife.........
>
>
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>
>
>
>
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>
>
>
'F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral!!'
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, he crawled past the mountains of Marks & Spencer shopping bags & shoe boxes to the kitchen.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the worktop were dozens of his favourite rock buns, nicely spiced and just as he liked them, a touch overdone.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of thirty eight years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the worktop, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips
parted, he could almost taste the fruity rock bun before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and arthritic hand
trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly skelped with a wooden spoon by his wife.........
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
'F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral!!'
Oct 29th 2008, 2:54 pm
#215
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Inglewood in New Plymouth
Posts: 867
Re: Bit of fun
It has long been contended that there are male Jokes and there
are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I
consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hope
that women will love it, and
men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when Steven
a tall,exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged
man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her (As all men will.). Before
she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$20.00......
On
one
condition'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the
man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his
eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said....
'Clean my house.'
are female jokes, and there are unisex Jokes. Here is a joke I
consider a true female joke.
I offer it to you in the hope
that women will love it, and
men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.!
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when Steven
a tall,exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged
man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and
walked directly toward her (As all men will.). Before
she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely
anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for
$20.00......
On
one
condition'
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, 'You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly
removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the
man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his
eyes, and slowly and meaningfully
said....
'Clean my house.'
Last edited by CarolineSwan; Oct 29th 2008 at 2:57 pm. Reason: SPELLING
Oct 29th 2008, 2:55 pm
#216
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Inglewood in New Plymouth
Posts: 867
Re: Bit of fun
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knicker's.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Oct 29th 2008, 4:24 pm
#217
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Location: Morecambe
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Re: Bit of fun
Two men drove to a petrol station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7" said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8" replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure" replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 5" replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7" said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8" replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure" replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 5" replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
Oct 29th 2008, 4:24 pm
#218
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Location: Morecambe
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Re: Bit of fun
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?'
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?'
Nov 1st 2008, 11:25 am
#219
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
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Re: Bit of fun
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you !"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then. When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door
"What's wrong ? Didn't you come ? Do you want more ?"
His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my arsehole !!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then. When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door
"What's wrong ? Didn't you come ? Do you want more ?"
His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my arsehole !!"
Nov 1st 2008, 11:26 am
#220
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Location: Morecambe
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Re: Bit of fun
Mike Tyson, Chris Evans and David Beckham escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to Tyson,"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"
Mike jumps and - SWISH! - the firemen yank the blanket away. Poor guy slams into the pavement like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to Chris Evans
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says Chris.
"No! It's Tyson we can't stand! We're OK with you."
"OK," says Chris, and he jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and he is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, Beckham steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yells David.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," Becks says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down on the ground, and back away from it..."
Mike jumps and - SWISH! - the firemen yank the blanket away. Poor guy slams into the pavement like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to Chris Evans
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says Chris.
"No! It's Tyson we can't stand! We're OK with you."
"OK," says Chris, and he jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and he is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, Beckham steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yells David.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," Becks says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down on the ground, and back away from it..."
Nov 1st 2008, 11:27 am
#221
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Location: Morecambe
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Re: Bit of fun
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" Mrs Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mrs Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
:curse:
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mrs Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mrs Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
"God!" Mrs Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mrs Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"
:curse:
Nov 3rd 2008, 8:03 am
#222
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Re: Bit of fun
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house. After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week. Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
"There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked nether region. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy one?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris " but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred "I have....but the rest of the *****ing darts team haven't."
"There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes. Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked nether region. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy one?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris " but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred "I have....but the rest of the *****ing darts team haven't."
Nov 3rd 2008, 8:03 am
#223
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Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A female athlete is preparing for the Olympics. She goes to the coach and complains about the tablets he is making her take.
'They are causing hair to grow on my breasts'
'Ah whats the problem, a little bit of downy hair. everyone has a few little hairs'
'They are not downy and they are not little and they are not a few'
'Well exactly how much is there ?'
'They grow all the way down to my balls, and thats something else I want to talk to you about'
'They are causing hair to grow on my breasts'
'Ah whats the problem, a little bit of downy hair. everyone has a few little hairs'
'They are not downy and they are not little and they are not a few'
'Well exactly how much is there ?'
'They grow all the way down to my balls, and thats something else I want to talk to you about'
Nov 3rd 2008, 8:05 am
#224
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Joined: Jun 2007
Location: Morecambe
Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
Sorry if this is a repeat
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible ! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer ?"
"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.
One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, "That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, "That was incredible ! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer ?"
"No", she said, "I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
Nov 4th 2008, 6:02 pm
#225
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Posts: 1,659
Re: Bit of fun
A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me Father for i have sinned. Last night i made love to twins, half my age, in positions that i think are illegal and over and over again.
The Priest thinks for a minute and then says, " Buy 7 lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass then drink it in one go".
"Will it cleanse my sole", asks the man.
"No" says the Priest, " But it will wipe that f***ing smile off yout face.
The Priest thinks for a minute and then says, " Buy 7 lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass then drink it in one go".
"Will it cleanse my sole", asks the man.
"No" says the Priest, " But it will wipe that f***ing smile off yout face.