malcoltom

Just saw a dog in my garden and it was humping one of my cabbages!
Silly bloody dog must have though it was a collie!!!!!

malcoltom

My wife was telling her best mate that obesity is in her genes.
I was compelled to tell her that wasnt true as she looks like a fat git in a skirt as well.

malcoltom

Scientific studies reveal that 99% of men would like to be a tablecloth.




Its the only chance they get to be laid 3 times a day and pulled off last thing at night.

malcoltom

NASA launches a rocket to Mars with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

Houston to 1st monkey, "Adjust oxygen to 40% and carry out pre launch checks.

Houston to second monkey " Throttle back launch engines and adjust anti-gravitational shield"

Houston to woman " Feed the monkeys and dont f***ing touch anything.



BRING IT ON, I'M READY

malcoltom

A husband moans to his wife, " You should start washing your knickers in slim fast, it might make you bum look thinner".
The next day the man is getting dressed when he finds his undies are covered in dust. " Have you put talc on my clothes?" he asks.
" No Love" the wife replies "Its miracle Grow"

malcoltom

A medical professor was lecturing his students about involuntary muscle contractions. To liven up the class he asks a female student, " For example, do you know what your arsehole does while you are having an orgasm?"

She replies,"













He's probably at Old Trafford watching United"...............

malcoltom

Every mans dream.

Daughter on the cover of Vogue
Son on the cover of a sports mag
Mistress on the cover of Playboy And wife on the cover of........









Missing Persons.

mickey_d

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck.

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .







'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'

malcoltom

The parents of two young boys are discussing what to do about their sons foul language. Father eventually comes to a decision. " Well we have tried everything else" He says," I guess the only thing left is corporal punishment. The first little bugger that swears tomorrow will get it".
Early next morning the two boys come downstairs for breakfast. Father asks the first boy, " What would you like for breakfast son?"
The little boy replies, " I think I'll have some *****in' eggs".
SMACK! His father nearly knocks the boy off his feet.
He turns to the second boy and asks him what he would like for breakfast. To which the boy replies, "Well I sure don't want any *****in' eggs".

malcoltom

A Swede is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a
typical Swedish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Swede just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Swedish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Swedish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Swedish father takes a long swig of Aquavit, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."

malcoltom

Mick is appearing on the Irish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Thrush!!!! Remember Mick its worth 1 Million."
Mick: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"
Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in BallygoOn." (ringing)
Paddy: "Hello..."
Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer andd you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."
Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Trush!!!!
Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo.
Mick: "You think?"
Paddy: "I'm sure."
Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up)
Gay: "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for first ever Million Mick?"
Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo
Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is."
Gay: "Are you confident?"
Mick: "Yes fairly Paddy's a sound bet."
Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won 1 MILLION POUNDS. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick."
(clapping)
That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick Turns to Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!!How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know ***** all about birds?????"
Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that ****** Cuckoo lives in a clock"!!!!!


THAT WAS FUNNY

Austins

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster and told this to the market vendor.

The vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer bought Randy and took him back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk: "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And with that, Randy strutted into the hen house.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But, Randy didn't stop there.

Randy went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, "Stop, Randy! You'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, little buddy."

"Shhhhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

malcoltom

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. 300.00 pounds or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows *****ing everything.

Austins

Australian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

malcoltom

The Morning after the Office Party.

Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm's Christmas Party.

He didn't even remember how he got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.

As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.

He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.

As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.

"I'll ring your office and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x "

He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating.

Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.

" Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. "

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?"

His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you slapper, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table ?250
Hot Breakfast ?3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS