malcoltom

There was this atheist and he was in the woods. And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking. He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him. He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; "For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help." The atheist said, "I'm sorry God. If you can't help me, can't you at least turn the bear into a Christian? Then the light disappeared. Then the bear knelt down and said, "Bless me Lord for this meal I'm about to receive!"

malcoltom

There was this little boy that read an article one day. It was about this man holding a world record of holding poop in his hand for the longest time (25 years). So the boy decided that he was going to poop in his hand.
So the boy went off to school the next day, with the poop in his hand. The teacher noticed that he kept his hand closed, so she told the boy to open her hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblin inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OK. I'm sending you to the principal's office.
The kid went to the principal's off and the principal to the boy to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblin inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"Fine. Your suspended."
So the boy went home and his mother told him to open his hand.
"No."
"Open your hand."
"No."
"Why wont you open your hand?"
"Cause there's a little green goblin inside and if I open my hand, I scared he's gonna run away and I'm never gonna see him again."
"OPEN YOUR HAND."
"No."
So the mother slapped the boy's hand, and the boy said, "Look mom you scared the crap out of him."

malcoltom

A guy applied for a job advertised in the paper for a Zoo Keeper and was asked to come in for an interview.
The interviewer invited the guy into his office, asked him to take a seat and sat down behind his desk to begin the interview.
"So, do you have any experience in this field." the interviewer asked.
"Oh yes. I am more than qualified for this position", the guy replied.
"And what type of experience do you have then?" the interviewer asked.
"I was raised in the Mahale Mountains in Tanzania by monkeys." the guy replied.
The interviewer was convinced he had a real nut case here but was interested in hearing his story anyway. Peering over the rim of his glasses he asked, "Ah yeah, what did you say your name was again?"
"Jim...Jim Pan-Zee."

malcoltom

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.
He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"
The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
What's that?" he asks.
She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

malcoltom

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
:curse:

jennifer45

A class apart!
Picture the scene.
A small 6 bedded maternity side ward.
2 patients in conversation after visiting hours.
"I'm so excited! My darling husband has just booked a world cruise to celebrate the birth of our third child!"
Adjacent patient, fixing her last hair roller in and her top set of teeth, "oh thaaat's nice!"
1st patient-"My husband spoils me terribly- He bought me a sports car for our first child-
2nd patient. "Thaat's nice."
1st patient-" then this beautiful ring for our second,"
2nd patient. "Thaat's nice."
1st patient- and now the cruise!
2nd patient. "Thaat's nice."
1st patient- " What has your husband bought you?"
2nd patient:- Picking her teeth. "Oh H-he h-has paid for me to h-have e-l-o-c-u-tion lessons."
1st patient. "Well forgive me for saying, but I rather think they were a waste of money!
2nd patient. "Tha-at's nice. Before I h-had them I used to say F**k Off - now I say 'Tha-at's nice!"

aalls73

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING

malcoltom

A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

malcoltom

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

malcoltom

Little Johnny was in science class. the professor was conducting an experiment to show the dangers of liquor. he had one glass of water and one glass of wine. so the professor starts the experiment and he sticks one worm in the water.. and its floating and looks happy. he sticks the other worm in the wine and it looks like it is struggling to breathe and then it sinks to the bottom and it is dead. so the professor asks" what was this suppose to teach you children" no one raises their hand to answer but the little Johnny raises his hand and says "drink liquor and you wont get worms"

malcoltom

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin" mother ***kers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back".
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer.
One man even leaves.
30 minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don’t mind me askin" where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...first I had to go to Murphy’s pub down the street to see if I could do it.".

malcoltom

This did have funny pictures with it but cant cut and paste them.


Some Crazy Conspiracy in Our Time



THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!We Must Stop This Immediately!


Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper . Groceries are heavier . And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!


Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.




PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!


PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.

malcoltom

Bullshit and Brilliance

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle, named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!'
says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard returning with the monkey on his back
and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?' - but, instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and, just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more
youthfully-challenged.

malcoltom

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.
“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you
give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”
Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Charismatic

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