So confused.

Old Dec 29th 2009, 3:38 am
  #1  
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Default So confused.

I haven't actually posted on here since leaving the UK although I do still have a read quite regularly. I feel the need to post again now because I am not sure that I have made the right decision. I guess I just need to discuss this with someone other than my darling hubby who must be sick of hearing it all.

Basically I cannot stop thinking that I want to go home. Been in Adelaide almost 11 months now and have spent at least the last 5 months feeling like this. There are so many reasons, more than I can detail here but I miss my family & friends more than I could have imagined and the only thing I like about being here is the weather & the beaches.
I feel miserable & sick every day, didn't feel like this back home no matter how badly I wanted to leave.
I feel like I have made a huge mistake by leaving my life in the UK. My husband kind of agrees with me but thinks we should stay longer before we decide and I see his point but I am more concerned that waiting could make our situation worse. His old job would still be available to him if we were to make the move now but how long will that be the case. We moved here on his skills & now he works longer hours for less money. My 14 yr old son likes it here but I haven't mentioned anything about a possibility of moving home to him so have no idea how he would feel about it, I don't want to mention it to him until I have a clearer opinion myself.
I don't want to become a yoyo pom, can't afford to be a yoyo pom - hence the confusion, how can you be sure? I know the answer to that one, you can't! So how do I decide what to do?

I would just love to speak to others who maybe in the same boat or who have already moved back home after emigrating.
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 3:57 am
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Default Re: So confused.

hi there firstly sorry you feel this way it must be so hard ! my hubby feels that way too we live in melbourne and he got laid off 8 months ago and is finding it hard to get another job,peope always say if you can do the first year then your laughing but we have been here 2.5 now and oh boy is it hard work,but on the other hand we speak to our friends and family on skype and they are sooo proud of what we have done,but then my hubby is still unhappy the only thing i have always said is that if it gets too hard him then we go back his sanity is more important than the sunshine and beaches,you have to way up the good and the bad then make the choice as once you have made up your mind either way then maybe you can move on knowing it has been your choice to make.

doubt thats going to help but good luck and chin up !!!
things can only get better

melly
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 4:41 am
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Default Re: So confused.

First of all just wanted to say I feel for you and your situation, also I think the way you are dealing with not involving your son at this stage is very admirable and I think the correct one. I guess I am wondering if there is anything you could change in your present life here in Australia that would help you to feel less homesick and more settled here? Maybe making new friends here or finding a job/better job etc.... If there are steps you could take to improve the situation then I think this is where you should start and at least then you will have explored all avenues before going back. If on the other hand you already have lots of friends and good job etc... and there is really not much you could practically change then maybe Australia is just not for you and going back would be best, there is no shame in this, there is no need to suffer needlessly! Good luck and I hope you can make the decision soon and that its the right one for you.






Originally Posted by karlakoala View Post
I haven't actually posted on here since leaving the UK although I do still have a read quite regularly. I feel the need to post again now because I am not sure that I have made the right decision. I guess I just need to discuss this with someone other than my darling hubby who must be sick of hearing it all.

Basically I cannot stop thinking that I want to go home. Been in Adelaide almost 11 months now and have spent at least the last 5 months feeling like this. There are so many reasons, more than I can detail here but I miss my family & friends more than I could have imagined and the only thing I like about being here is the weather & the beaches.
I feel miserable & sick every day, didn't feel like this back home no matter how badly I wanted to leave.
I feel like I have made a huge mistake by leaving my life in the UK. My husband kind of agrees with me but thinks we should stay longer before we decide and I see his point but I am more concerned that waiting could make our situation worse. His old job would still be available to him if we were to make the move now but how long will that be the case. We moved here on his skills & now he works longer hours for less money. My 14 yr old son likes it here but I haven't mentioned anything about a possibility of moving home to him so have no idea how he would feel about it, I don't want to mention it to him until I have a clearer opinion myself.
I don't want to become a yoyo pom, can't afford to be a yoyo pom - hence the confusion, how can you be sure? I know the answer to that one, you can't! So how do I decide what to do?

I would just love to speak to others who maybe in the same boat or who have already moved back home after emigrating.
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 4:52 am
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Default Re: So confused.

Originally Posted by mellyturner View Post
hi there firstly sorry you feel this way it must be so hard ! my hubby feels that way too we live in melbourne and he got laid off 8 months ago and is finding it hard to get another job,peope always say if you can do the first year then your laughing but we have been here 2.5 now and oh boy is it hard work,but on the other hand we speak to our friends and family on skype and they are sooo proud of what we have done,but then my hubby is still unhappy the only thing i have always said is that if it gets too hard him then we go back his sanity is more important than the sunshine and beaches,you have to way up the good and the bad then make the choice as once you have made up your mind either way then maybe you can move on knowing it has been your choice to make.

doubt thats going to help but good luck and chin up !!!
things can only get better

melly
Thanks Melly.

You just confirmed what I already knew. I reckon I have already made up my mind as I just can't think of anything else.
I know exactly what you mean about when you talk to friends & family & they're so proud of what you have done & they tell us not to ever think about going back there, but when they say that all I can think of is how they don't know what it's like.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words. I do hope things look up for your OH soon. What is it he does?
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 5:10 am
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Default Re: So confused.

Originally Posted by easty1976 View Post
First of all just wanted to say I feel for you and your situation, also I think the way you are dealing with not involving your son at this stage is very admirable and I think the correct one. I guess I am wondering if there is anything you could change in your present life here in Australia that would help you to feel less homesick and more settled here? Maybe making new friends here or finding a job/better job etc.... If there are steps you could take to improve the situation then I think this is where you should start and at least then you will have explored all avenues before going back. If on the other hand you already have lots of friends and good job etc... and there is really not much you could practically change then maybe Australia is just not for you and going back would be best, there is no shame in this, there is no need to suffer needlessly! Good luck and I hope you can make the decision soon and that its the right one for you.
I would have to admit that I probably could do some of those things and maybe I would feel better. I do have some friends I have made here but not many, I probably could get out more & do more about that.
I find myself wanting to stay indoors so I can skype chat my existing friends & family.
On the job front, I have one, reasonably well paid but I very much dislike the job, this no doubt adds to the feeling of being unsettled, I have been looking for other options, being in the call centre capital of Australia I cannot seem to get any offers from any job that isn't a call centre job - hence my current job, in a call centre (my 2nd call centre job since being here)
I never had the good job, that was always my OH, here I earn as much as he does in my call centre job & he is a highly skilled mechanical engineer, he has also been looking at other options to no avail.

Maybe this is just me feeling sorry for myself but I just feel I don't fit in here. I constantly feel like I'm trying to be another version of myself, one that does fit in here - how do you expain a feeling of just not belonging?
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 5:14 am
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Default Re: So confused.

Hi karlakoala

I am sorry to hear that you feel that way.
I am at the same place as you, and wouldn't wish the feeling onto even my worst enemy.

I am stuck in NZ.

And it certainly feels like that most of the time.

I am (ironically) the kiwi and my OH the Scot. We lived in the UK for just over six years, and I had well and truely made that home. I consider there to be home, and our children were born there.

So, we had always agreed to live in both countries and then make a decision.
Of course I didn't really want to leave Scotland but - in for a penny in for a pound I guess.
I thought that surely it wouldn't be that bad.
I had left there and made a life that I loved in the UK and so while tough to leave, I did spend my childhood in NZ so that should be fine too.

How wrong was I.

I knew fairly soon after getting here that it wasn't right and that I didn't want to be here. But I am still here - 3.5 years later.
Of course there is the added draw card (disadvantage - take your pick) of family here. If we leave one country for another we of course upset someone.
Canada, we have always jokingly said would be the 'middle ground' to keep all grandparents happy.

I do think that it is only something that you can decide, - or at least you and your OH - for what is right for your family.
We never listen to our family and their comments (on both sides of the world) - but if we were, most of them think that we should stay out here. Not sure why myself as they have only ever visited for a couple of weeks at a time - not on holiday - which is no representation of life here, what so ever.

You only get one chance at life, and I do believe that, where possible, don't just make do.
Try and fix the problem or make it bearable.
Whether that be, a wee treat every day (well mine was a chocy biscuit - not great for the waist line - wouldn't recommend that one )
Or look at going home.

But before rushing in and going back to the same place that you were in -what was it that gave you the drive to leave the UK in the first place. Figure that out before you leave Australia and look for solutions.
If it was the town that you lived in (noisy; crime etc) - is there another option.
If you love the beaches in Australia - there are plenty in Britain - could you move closer to one.
The weather is the weather. But hay - we are in a hot dry season (as I am sure that you are there) and I would consider selling a child for some rain - just twice a week so that I don't ahve to watch all my plants slowly die on me as I can't water each and every one of them.

I personally think, for myself, that having been away from home, and living another culture (as an adult, payig the bills and raising the children) I didn't realise just what we had in the UK. I have fresh appreciation for it.

My OH isn't as keen to go back home, but we have talked, shouted and fought our way through this, and came to the place that we are today. Thankgoodness that our marriage is strong as otherwise it wouldn't have survived.
For us, we will hopefully be back home in time for the kids to start the 2010 school year (they will only be P2 and P3) so young enough to move.
But having the plan and finally and honestly feelnig like my OH is iwth me on this. Not that he is convinced that it is the right move right now - but that it is for me, right now and that is more important.
That is making this time bearable.
But I am stil finding myself demotivated to do anything and cry sitting in the computer at the silliest of things for no reason. I guess slight depression.
And I do know that my OH worries that we will be ping pong poms ( a phrase that I have seen printed in NZ) - but that is the worry for the distant future.

I would like to feel like my old self again, enjoying life and feeling the magic that is life.

Sorry for rambling - but your post hit a note with me. I am normally a lurker on here - oh and the games get me through many a rough patch.

I would also just add that I knew within months after gettin ghere that it wasn't going to be right for me and that I wanted out. The feeling of beign stuck here has just got worse and worse as the years have gone on.
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 5:57 am
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Default Re: So confused.

Originally Posted by ble View Post
Hi karlakoala

I am sorry to hear that you feel that way.
I am at the same place as you, and wouldn't wish the feeling onto even my worst enemy.

I am stuck in NZ.

And it certainly feels like that most of the time.

I am (ironically) the kiwi and my OH the Scot. We lived in the UK for just over six years, and I had well and truely made that home. I consider there to be home, and our children were born there.

So, we had always agreed to live in both countries and then make a decision.
Of course I didn't really want to leave Scotland but - in for a penny in for a pound I guess.
I thought that surely it wouldn't be that bad.
I had left there and made a life that I loved in the UK and so while tough to leave, I did spend my childhood in NZ so that should be fine too.

How wrong was I.

I knew fairly soon after getting here that it wasn't right and that I didn't want to be here. But I am still here - 3.5 years later.
Of course there is the added draw card (disadvantage - take your pick) of family here. If we leave one country for another we of course upset someone.
Canada, we have always jokingly said would be the 'middle ground' to keep all grandparents happy.

I do think that it is only something that you can decide, - or at least you and your OH - for what is right for your family.
We never listen to our family and their comments (on both sides of the world) - but if we were, most of them think that we should stay out here. Not sure why myself as they have only ever visited for a couple of weeks at a time - not on holiday - which is no representation of life here, what so ever.

You only get one chance at life, and I do believe that, where possible, don't just make do.
Try and fix the problem or make it bearable.
Whether that be, a wee treat every day (well mine was a chocy biscuit - not great for the waist line - wouldn't recommend that one )
Or look at going home.

But before rushing in and going back to the same place that you were in -what was it that gave you the drive to leave the UK in the first place. Figure that out before you leave Australia and look for solutions.
If it was the town that you lived in (noisy; crime etc) - is there another option.
If you love the beaches in Australia - there are plenty in Britain - could you move closer to one.
The weather is the weather. But hay - we are in a hot dry season (as I am sure that you are there) and I would consider selling a child for some rain - just twice a week so that I don't ahve to watch all my plants slowly die on me as I can't water each and every one of them.

I personally think, for myself, that having been away from home, and living another culture (as an adult, payig the bills and raising the children) I didn't realise just what we had in the UK. I have fresh appreciation for it.

My OH isn't as keen to go back home, but we have talked, shouted and fought our way through this, and came to the place that we are today. Thankgoodness that our marriage is strong as otherwise it wouldn't have survived.
For us, we will hopefully be back home in time for the kids to start the 2010 school year (they will only be P2 and P3) so young enough to move.
But having the plan and finally and honestly feelnig like my OH is iwth me on this. Not that he is convinced that it is the right move right now - but that it is for me, right now and that is more important.
That is making this time bearable.
But I am stil finding myself demotivated to do anything and cry sitting in the computer at the silliest of things for no reason. I guess slight depression.
And I do know that my OH worries that we will be ping pong poms ( a phrase that I have seen printed in NZ) - but that is the worry for the distant future.

I would like to feel like my old self again, enjoying life and feeling the magic that is life.

Sorry for rambling - but your post hit a note with me. I am normally a lurker on here - oh and the games get me through many a rough patch.

I would also just add that I knew within months after gettin ghere that it wasn't going to be right for me and that I wanted out. The feeling of beign stuck here has just got worse and worse as the years have gone on.
You kinda summed up how I feel exactly there - just PM'd you
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 6:46 am
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Default Re: So confused.

Hi Ya, Where abouts in Adelaide are you. I still feel the same as you 2 years on. If you wanna meet up for a coffee sometime pm me. x
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 8:47 am
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Default Re: So confused.

Hya

We were in australia for 2 years and my oh and kids loved it. I hated it and couldnt wait to get home. Boy am I glad we did. It has been a real struggle. Gosh yes and believe me the recession doesnt help.

I would never ever go back. Theres more to life than the weather you know. lol I know what you mean about your friends I made some in aus but my best friends who I wanted to share things with were in the \uk. I wanted to get back to my old life and we have been back now for just over a year. We have finallly bought a house as we have eventually sold the aus one. Gosh I know the feeling you have but xmas has just been and what a family extravaganza. It could never have been that way in aus.

You just have to do what is right for you and your oh my boys would have stayed in aus even though they are young but for me I found it too far from the UK, boring, rubbish expensive food and awful education.

I will get slated for this but who cares I just wont post again
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 8:57 am
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Default Re: So confused.

If after a year you dont think you belong then you probably never will. I have been here for 30+ and knew right from the word go that I didnt "belong" but I fitted in and did all the usual things that one does to join the throng - didnt change the fact that I didnt and dont belong here and this is not the homeland I want to live in for the rest of my days. However for the first 10 years I could look upon it as a sort of holiday adventure and I always expected to move on - but didnt.

If you have the option to cut your losses and make a move to UK where you have a job to go to and a support network to help you get back on your feet then give it a go because once you pass the point of no return here it gets really tough.

You also need to make a decision quickly because of your son's education -he will need to launch right back into a GCSE course and if you miss that then you are pretty much doomed to stay here until he has finished uni at least - by which time he wont want to leave and you have pretty much no choice at all.

Sorry, dont want to sound a doom-monger but only too well aware what can happen if you go with the flow expecting things to turn out the way you have always thought they would and then discovering a whole bunch of flies in the ointment!

{{{hugs}}} - not belongingness is a very difficult feeling to live with day in, day out.
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 9:24 am
  #11  
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Default Re: So confused.

As a ping-ponger, I can sympathize with the psychological roller-coaster you are going through, but there is one thing about some of the responses (and similar on other threads) that surprises me. That is how often I read comments about friendships and how "the friendships we have made here are just not like our friends at home" - surely that's to be expected? If you grew up in Glasgow and moved to Leeds in your 30's, I'd imagine you'd feel the same. You simply can't replace friendships that were built up during your formative years, and over a long period of time.

I also think that Skype, etc. can be a wonderful thing but when it means you spend hours chatting to people at home, it's not going to help you settle in your new country because it's a constant tangible reminder of what you are missing.

Having said all that, being unemployed in your adopted country for several months must be soul-destroying. The discussions of reasons why emigrating did/didn't work for various people seem to rarely get into this territory, but emigrating all-expenses paid, with free accommodation, end-of-contract gratuities, executive pay, etc., must make it a lot easier to accept your expat status than the do-it-yourself method (which seems to be the norm for emigrating to Australia).

I'm an in-betweenie myself (professional, half-decent salary, some help with relocation costs and visa costs, but also largely self-funded) and my ping-ponging has cost me dearly. I can't imagine doing it on a hope and a prayer. Kudos to those who were brave enough to give it a go on their own ticket.
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 10:00 am
  #12  
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Default Re: So confused.

Very honest of you to admit you could do more and in my opinion shows that whatever decision you make will be in the best interests of your family as a whole and not just your personal feelings.

In terms of a job what I meant to say was a job you like doing rather than anything monetary, I know how difficult it is to change industries here from my own experience. Also from my experience when things are not going so well in life it is the easy option to blame the country or the surroundings and then with hindsight have come to discover that had little to do with it(not saying that is what you are doing by the way). The reason I mentioned trying to improve your life was that in the event you do return home at least you will know you did everything you could do. As you have acknowledge it is an expensive process and it would be a shame to realise on the plane home that all you really needed was some really good friends, all the best.


Originally Posted by karlakoala View Post
I would have to admit that I probably could do some of those things and maybe I would feel better. I do have some friends I have made here but not many, I probably could get out more & do more about that.
I find myself wanting to stay indoors so I can skype chat my existing friends & family.
On the job front, I have one, reasonably well paid but I very much dislike the job, this no doubt adds to the feeling of being unsettled, I have been looking for other options, being in the call centre capital of Australia I cannot seem to get any offers from any job that isn't a call centre job - hence my current job, in a call centre (my 2nd call centre job since being here)
I never had the good job, that was always my OH, here I earn as much as he does in my call centre job & he is a highly skilled mechanical engineer, he has also been looking at other options to no avail.

Maybe this is just me feeling sorry for myself but I just feel I don't fit in here. I constantly feel like I'm trying to be another version of myself, one that does fit in here - how do you expain a feeling of just not belonging?
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 5:00 pm
  #13  
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Default Re: So confused.

I'm Ping ponger too. I knew it was wrong when I had a panic attack when packing to move back to US, did it anyway and 16 years on I still want to go home. I've good friends had fun it's a nice place and all, I've had good jobs etc, but home is home I'm not living here till I die.
Do what you have to do, if the family will all be happy in UK go home so everyone can settle, the longer the kids stay the harder to move.
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Old Dec 29th 2009, 11:33 pm
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Default Re: So confused.

Originally Posted by karlakoala View Post
Thanks Melly.

You just confirmed what I already knew. I reckon I have already made up my mind as I just can't think of anything else.
I know exactly what you mean about when you talk to friends & family & they're so proud of what you have done & they tell us not to ever think about going back there, but when they say that all I can think of is how they don't know what it's like.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words. I do hope things look up for your OH soon. What is it he does?
the hubby is a spray painter panel beater and we got in on his skill and how bizzar i have only worked in call centres too !! and its a tough job so i'm not suprised you feel this way !!
like i said take care and it will get better x
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Old Dec 30th 2009, 9:54 am
  #15  
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Default Re: So confused.

Originally Posted by Mummy in the foothills View Post
I'm Ping ponger too. I knew it was wrong when I had a panic attack when packing to move back to US, did it anyway and 16 years on I still want to go home. I've good friends had fun it's a nice place and all, I've had good jobs etc, but home is home I'm not living here till I die.
Do what you have to do, if the family will all be happy in UK go home so everyone can settle, the longer the kids stay the harder to move.
Well I don't think we could afford to do this all again no matter how much we wanted to, but in a way that just makes me more nervous about the decision.

I think my mind is made up though, now to convince the hubby that hanging on is not the answer.

The OP made a heck of a good point about schools, he should be in year 9 now in the uk, which is the first critical year - when they take their options.
I need to get us home asap.
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