Oh dear

I am so sorry to hear this JS. I would have loved to read that things were going good. I hope this decision will lead to positive things rather than the beginning of a downward spiral. Sending you hugs.

Maybe the break will do you good

Ah J. That's such a shame . Did something change that was the last straw and tipping point? Did the oiks ( not our Oik) do your head in one time too many?
I know you've been finding it all progressively tough the past couple of months.

Big hug from me.

It was no one single event, but many small and some large events that when they kept adding up, eventually it all just came falling down. Its not unique, happened many times in the past and will continue to happen, I just don't have the skill level to self soothe and not let things bother me, and stress is a big part of it all, not just work stress, but stress of living in Vancouver with nothing but high costs, traffic congestion, noise, people around all the time with nowhere to escape. It's all very overwhelming.

Work was just one part of the puzzle, but was the only part I can directly control.

It's really hard for me to explain in such a way most can understand, if one has borderline or knows someone close with borderline those folks may understand better and probably have experienced the same.

It unfortunate the public healthcare system feels its not necessary to treat mental health on par, and pretty much ignore some mental illnesses such as personality disorders.

Hang in there J, I'm keeping everything crossed that things and life settles down for you.

)HUGS(

Thanks.

There is a relief of some stress by not having to go to the job all the time, of course there are also downsides to it such as less income.

Just right now my mental health isn't in a spot where successfully holding a job is in the cards. My moods are simply too up and down right now and it was showing at work, I was having a more and more difficult time staying down to earth and not let things trigger me.

The cycle is pretty predictable so I knew it was coming and I tried to let people in family know, but most don't care.

Stupid thing is only chance of ever getting help is in Vancouver, but we cannot afford Vancouver, so will likely have to move, but then we also cannot afford the treatment so I suppose it makes no sense staying here in the hope of someday being able to.

Without treatment, there just is no real hope at a successful life and the cycle will just continue.

Yesterday was exceptionally bad, today isn't starting out much better.

I am not going to attempt working again, its pretty clear I cannot stay stable long enough to successfully hold a job long term.

JS, could you take a leave of absence - vacation time or unpaid leave? That way the job would still perhaps be available when you felt able to return.

Thinking of you

Working on it.

6 weeks to start. Then will go from there. We just need to figure out how to survive with drastic income cut but taking a leave is the only option at the moment.

There is a chance I might be able to get into a 6 week group therapy once a week. Wont know until the 18th when the intake opens for it. Not sure how they decide. Demand greatly exceeds available spots so no guarantee.

Seems to be the only option available via public healthcare.

That sounds positive, compared to what could be happening anyway. Did you look further into moving to a smaller city that you mentioned a while back?

Still thinking of moving. We are not really in a position to move at the moment since well moving costs a good chunk of money between the necessary deposits for a rental and the actual cost of moving with renting a truck, gas and all that jazz.

We also have to really research what is available mental health wise in each town as some towns offer next to nothing mental health service wise, mental health services in BC is very Vancouver centric, most of the provinces mental health is in Vancouver region which is why so many with mental health issues end up in Vancouver.

We are looking into smaller towns, one thing to keep in mind as well is with small towns a car is a necessity and once the car cost is added to the equation, its not always cheaper to live in a small town, really have to crunch numbers and take into consideration all costs and not just rental costs alone.

When we moved to Chilliwack for example we didn't take into consideration the higher cost of food, and the need for a car since regional and local transit is poor there, so while rent was lower, we had to have a car, so once the car was accounted for and higher cost of food, it actually cost us more to live there vs Vancouver....lol... We don't have a car currently, just a scooter which is cheaper to operate then transit pass.

Part of my disorder is I have no self image which is why I am always on the fence about things, hard to make decisions when you have no idea who you really are. I mold myself to be like those who are around me in an attempt to have some sort of self identity/image but once those people are gone, I am back to square one.

Also why I cannot figure out what kind of training to do, what I feel I am today, can change overnight...lol

Hopefully tomorrow I can get onto the list of DBT group that is having an open intake tomorrow, can't call until 10am and first come first serve, will be up to call right at 10a, so hopefully I can get through.

Its not an ideal solution, but suppose its better then nothing, its group once a week for 6 months, and ideally one should be getting individual therapy as well to work through the issues as if one cannot resolve the underlying issues, the group alone isn't going to be sufficient since the underlying problems will still be there festering away.

Any help/support is good so fingers crossed you get on the list.