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THE FUTURE OF SCOTLAND

If Scotland gains its independence after the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the United Kingdom will be known as the Former United Kingdom (F.U.K.).

In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting 'Yes' in the referendum, Unionists have now begun a campaign with the slogan: Please Vote No For ***'s Sake! About which they feel the Scottish people can relate. Particularly those of Glaswegian genus !!

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The Pope has sent his first Tweet, he wrote:

"Hello Ikea monkey, nice coat"

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Bad news: I saw the doctor today and he told me I have xenophobia.

I must have caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

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A new club opened around here last week, with flyer advertising pole dancers!

So in I goes, and I spend about half an hour in there before the manager comes up to me and asks if everything's all right.

"I don't see a pole, I thought you were having pole dancers!"

"We do,"the manager replies as he points to two men dancing. "But don't ask me to pronounce their last names!"

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Shoplifters with an Estuary accent take a lot of whisks.

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I was walking through the cemetery earlier today and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone.

I said, "Morning..".

He said, "No...Taking a shit."

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Monica Lewinsky was dropping off a skirt at the dry cleaner. As she was leaving the clerk said, "come again."

She said, "no, just ice cream."

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Good thing she didn't leave her blue dress, there was a wad of bills in the pocket.

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Wouldn't it be brilliant if that nurse who topped herself suddenly turned up alive and well on Australian TV, saying, "Now THAT'S how to do a wind-up!"

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I was hoping a reverse pranking was going on.

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Dear Santa, Please send me a baby brother.



Dear Billy, Send me your mother

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Harry and Paul at their best:

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Why do scotch people wear kilts?

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Skiing is going downhill fast.

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Did you hear about the Jewish skier? He lost the shlalom race. By a tip.