Madmac

Three couples on holiday in Spain around the hotel breakfast table:
An American couple, an English couple and a couple from Glasgow:

The American man says to his wife
"Pass the honey,...... Honey".

The Englishman, hearing this and keeping it going, says to his wife
"Pass the sugar, .......Sugar".

The man from Glasgow not wanting to be outdone says to his wife,

"Geeze the milk, ya cow"

macmike41

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers. Every day, he'd jog
past a prostitute standing on the street corner. He learned to brace
himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb.
"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the prostitute became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony
realised she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she was, wearing a tight short skirt and a sequined boob
tube.

Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the prostitute yelled,
"See what you get for five quid!

Spoons1961

Daedra's Jokes reminded me of a couple:

What do you call a man with a spade buried in his head ?

Doug

What do you call him after the spades been removed ?

Douglas

One more for good measure:

Knock Knock
Who's There
A little man who can't reach the doorbell

Daedra

LOL Spoon! My brother had dozens of them, those were the only ones I could remember *lol*

Butch Cassidy

A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live, eat,sleep and breathe golf."

"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker."

"I see." he said. Then brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

macmike41

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am, there is a knock on the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Calgal

What do you call a girl with a tile on her head? Ruth

What do you call a guy with a shovel on his head? Doug

What do you call a guy with a leaf on his head? Russell

What do you call a guy with a plank on his head? Edward

What do you call a guy with three planks on his head? Edward Woodward

There's more - can't remember them now...

How do you confuse an Irishman? Give him a piece of paper with PTO on both sides - or show him a pile of shovels and ask him to take his pick.

Or - put him in a round room and ask him to stand in the corner

How do you find the bride at an Irish wedding? Shes' the one in the white wellies

What does an Irish girl wear in summer? Peep toe Wellies

(Ok, if yer offended, I'm part Oirish, so I'm taking the "mick" out of meself - so I am! )

Edit: AND I'm on the beer!

Spoons1961

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie,
He put in his thumb and pulled out a plum
And said "F@*K Me, That's Hot!"

Spoons1961

What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles ?


Whoojanikabollockov

Spoons1961

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37 ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer or wine!

Spoons1961

Guys only. ladies will be offended....you have been warned


An Italian couple with a 4 year old son (Luigi), living in the UK were invited over to Rome for a family wedding. Now the family in Italy had never seen Luigi and the couple saw this as a perfect opportunity to show off their son.

The father decided to take Luigi to a gentlemans outfitters to buy a new suit for the occasion. When they arrived, a salesman approached them and said 'Can I help Sir ?'

The father said 'I wanta suita for my little Luigi with a bigga F*^@ing Head' and proceeded to slap poor Luigi around his head.

The salesman was a little put out, but rather than spoil a sale, he ignored what he'd just seen and found a lovely suit for Luigi.

The father then said, 'I wanta shirta and a tie to go with a the suita for my little Luigi with a bigga F*^@ing Head' and proceeded to slap poor Luigi again around his head

The salesman was a little disturbed by nowout, but again rather than spoil a sale, he ignored what he'd just seen and found a lovely shirt and tie for Luigi.

The father then said, 'I wanta shoos anda socks to go with the shirta, tie and a the suita for my little Luigi with a bigga F*^@ing Head' and once more proceeded to slap poor Luigi around his head

Finally Luigi was kitted out in a really smart suit and it was time to pay. While they waited for the credit card to clear, the salesman could hide his curiosity no longer and said 'excuse me sir. why at the mention of your little boys name, do you feel the need to hit him around his head with such venom.

The father replied:

'It all a started a years ago witha my wife Maria......
She had a bigga Tits.......
A Slim a Waist...............
A Longa Legs.................
And a little tight F@"ny...

Then alonga came Luigi witha bigga F*^@ing Head'

Butch Cassidy

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Butch Cassidy

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with. Finally, the uncle had an idea.

"Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

glenn morrison

little boy blue,
he needed the money.

Daedra

That reminded me alot of Andrew Dice Clay's dodgy nursery rhyme jokes