Calgal

What's red and sits in a pram?









A baby chewing a razor blade

Calgal

Why did the hedge hog cross the road?




To see his flat mate.

Calgal

Mary had a little Bike,
She rode it on the grass,
and every time the wheel went round,
A spoke went up her.....

hot wasabi peas

OMG...



What's black, white and red and can't turn around in a hallway?









-- A nun with a spear through her head.

Calgal

LOL Or Paris Hilton - exactly how her character died in "House of Wax"

(maybe the last few should be in a "Sick jokes" thread)

Calgal

What's red and green and spins very fast?








A frog in a blender.

Butch Cassidy

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first???





















So you can watch the expression on its face.

mkmurrays

An Alberta cowboy was over seeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy "If I tell you how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA Satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds, he retrieves an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODCB connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his high-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on in amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You work for the Canadian Government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here, even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for giving me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

hcastles

whats yellow and black and goes roun and round???







Shark in a bowl of custard

kate white

what is black and white and rolling down the hill---a nun

what was Marc Bolans last hit---a tree

what do you call a blackman with red hair---a match

what do you call a blackman under a elephants foot--a chocolate drop

whats black white and red all over---a newspaper

what do you call a speeding scotsman---scotch mist

I niver said the jokes were good

hcastles

Not a joke but thought you would all enjoy reading this ..... and it is TRUE



TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO


HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF


AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER.


THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":


He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for
them.


He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their
weights Cut off all but "G" movies.


He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city
projects.


Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for
discrimination.


He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order
that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again only
let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot
it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.


He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.


When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If
you don't like it, don't come back."


He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the
jails.


When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
replied that a democratic lecture series might explain why a lot of the
inmates were in his jails in the first place.


More on the Arizona Sheriff:


With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees
just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates
living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County
Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued
pink boxer shorts.


On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their
bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the
week before.


Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their
chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has
lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago
started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not
one bit sympathetic. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates:
"It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and
they have to wear full battle gear,but they didn't commit any crimes, so
shut your damned mouths!"


Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be
a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for
their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to
go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on
taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for
themselves.
Sheriff Joe was just re elected Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona.

hcastles

This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California)
>>staff
>>voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
>>This
>>is the actual answering machine message for the school . This came about
>>because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be
>>responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school
>>and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing
>>grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent
>>15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to
>>pass their classes.
>>
>>
>>The outgoing message:
>>
>>"Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.
>>In
>>order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen
>>to
>>all the options before making a selection: >
>>
>>* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
>>
>>* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
>>
>>* To complain about what we do - Press 3
>>
>>* To swear at staff members - Press 4
>>
>>t>* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in
>>your
>>newsletter and several flyer's mailed to you - Press 5
>>
>>* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
>>
>>* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
>>
>>* To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
>>
>>* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
>>
>>* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
>>
>>* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
>>and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
>>it's
>>not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have
>>a
>>nice day!
>>
>>If you can read this - thank a teacher!




Engineering Story
>
>Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
>Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
>at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum
>velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
>airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
>
>American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields
>of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent
>to the American engineers.
>
>When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled
>out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to
>smithereens,
>blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in
>two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot
>from a bow.
>
>The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the
>experiment,
>along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists
>for suggestions.
>
>You're going to love this......
>Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
>"Defrost the chicken."

hcastles

ok..... this is crap.....

whats black with white spots





Birmingham city

hcastles

God Bless Lil Johnny!!!!




Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born

without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital,

Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.



Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him

and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if

the so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even

said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they

came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.



When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."



The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."



Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a

cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"



Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will

have 20/20 vision."



"That's great," said Little Johnny, "'cuz he'd be shit-outta-luck if he

needed glasses."

Butch Cassidy

No, but at the same time nobody asked for racist jokes either.