Re: bad jokes...
 

Revenge is sweet, I got my own back......

Two Frenchman were on their way back home after a night out on the piss. Both were totally plastered, and walking along the centre of the railway line, Clément turned to Francois and said,
"I've never, ever seen stairs as long as this, especially with the handrail placed so low."
"You're right there Clément, I was just thinking the same thing. At least we've almost reached the top, and I can hear the lift coming." :sneaky:

Re: bad jokes...
 

likes!

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Obama, Putin and Hollande are sitting naked in the sauna during the G8 summit.

There is a beeping, Obama's presses his wrist with his finger and the beeping stops. Hollande looks at him with astonishment.

"Sorry, it's my diary alert, I have a computer chip under the skin of my wrist".

A few moments later, a telephone rings. Putin puts the palm of his hand to his ear and when he finishes speaking he explains to a perplexed Hollande, "It's my mobile, I've had a chip implanted in my hand".

Hollande feels like an idiot in the eyes of the others.

He gets up, goes to the WC and comes back to the sauna, toilet paper swinging from his arse. The others look questioningly at his predicament.

"Merde", says Hollande "I've got another fax!"

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A man goes to the doctors complaining of hearing loss.
The doctor says "Can you describe the symptoms?"
The man replies "Yes, Homers a fat bastard and Marge has got blue hair"

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Voted Best Scottish Short Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Buggeroff, ye'll no bring it back!'

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Well you asked for it Cyrian.......

A few years ago I knew a young Scottish lad who insisted on calling his father-in-law the 'Exorcist'. He told me that every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear!


At an auction in Glasgow, a wealthy American announced loudly that he'd lost his wallet containing 3000 pound, and that he'd give a reward of 100 pound to the person who found it.
Suddenly from the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give 150 pound!!"

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Boo!

Best and shortest joke EVAH!!!

Boy scouts, girl guides.

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How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Och! It’s no that dark!
;)

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What does a Newcastle lass use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter :p

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I like that. It's not true though, the bus shelters aren't there anymore. :unsure:

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A smile for the weekend........

My wife came out of the shower with a big, flirtatious smile on her face, and glancing at her body said seductively, “Darling…I just shaved down there…you know what that means don't you?"
I replied, “Yeah, it means the bloody drain's blocked up again!”

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Did you know that during recent scientific studies, researchers found that pregnant women who use vibrators are 90% more likely to have a child who stutters?

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Some of these are quite funny.

Request Rejected

Link not working - cut and paste:

http://www.doyletics.com/tidbi ts/militaryadvice.pdf

Sorry - the link may not work

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Think I fixed it.

www.doyletics.com/tidbits/militaryadvice.pdf

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What do you do when you see a spaceman?
You park your car in it, man.

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A man says to his wife, "Cherie, why is it you never tell me when you're experiencing an orgasm?"
The wife replies, "Simply because you've forbidden me to call you when you're at the office!"

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Your smile for today ...........................

Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.
At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.
She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Sorry mate -


"What she really said was: 666136429."

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Having lived & worked in Hong Kong for several years, I can relate to that.
Which reminds me........:p
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers all changed their names to seem more American. Bu changed his name to Buck. Chu changed his name to Chuck. As for Fu - he got sent back to China!

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I note it's been very quiet on the French forums lately. Time to liven things up......

A young couple having just been married, are about to spend their first night together.
The man says “There’s something I must confess to you. I’m hung like a baby!"
Hugely disappointed to hear this, his bride puts on a bright face and says "But sex isn’t the most important thing. Love is what makes marriage special.”
Hearing this the husband takes off his trousers and pants - and suddenly the woman faints. When she recovers she says “What the hell was that? You said you were hung like a baby!”
"I am", her husband replies, "8 pounds 21 inches!"

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I saw this in a restaurant in France last week.
What else do you think it could be?

Attachment 128157

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The mind boggles........

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What? No new jokes since July! Time to change that........

A small farm boy was walking to the school bus one morning when he began kicking the farm animals. First he kicked the pig, then a chicken, and then he kicked the cow.
His mother had observed this from the kitchen window, and decided she would handle the situation after he returned from school.
When he arrives home, his mother confronts him and says "I saw you this morning kicking the farm animals. For kicking the pig you get no pork products for a week, no eggs for a week for kicking the chicken, and for the cow you get no beef products for a week. Now wait for your father to come home and tell him exactly what you've done." The young lad waits nervously for his father.
After a terrible day in work, his father arrives home in a filthy mood, and he kicks the cat across the front yard. The boy observes this together with his mother, looks across to her and says "Do you want to tell him he'll have no more pussy for a week, or shall I?"

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The Truth

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:sneaky:

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What no jokes yet this year? We'll have to change that!

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going sir?"
The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man replies casually, "Oh no, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked at the man's admission. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?"
"Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."
The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me", and reaches through the window to subdue the man.
"Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you'll find the gun in the glove compartment!" The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says.

The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and a helicopter are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."
The man replied, "Yeah, and I bet that lying bastard said I was speeding too!"

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Yes I wonder who'll be first to post a joke this year?


:lol:

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Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?



:yield:

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Not a joke per se, a true story...

Shopping in a Co-op store in the next village up the road recently, the guy behind me in the checkout queue asks:

"Excusez-moi monsieur, mais êtes-vous anglais?"

Me: "Coupable. What gave it away? The accent?"

Him - with a very slight American accent: "The baked beans. Only English people buy baked beans."

:eek:

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:lol:
Partially true of course. My wife occasionally buys Heinz baked beans, one reason being she quite enjoys them. And the neighbours even 2 doors away are audibly made aware of when she's been eating 'em!
I occasionally tease her in saying, "You certainly appear to enjoy your pets":eek:

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In Belgium, there is a very large manufacturing plant located to the East of Brussels. It is so large that it straddles the border of two provinces - Walloon Brabant and Flemish Brabant. The structure dates way back and has impressive stone entrance portals in each of the two provinces.

Carved above the Wallonian entrance is "Ici on parle français".

Carved above the Flemish entrance is "Ici on travaille".

;)

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The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel. They imaginatively named the French cat un deux trois cat and the British, one two three cat. Which cat made it across first? . . . The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.

<sorry>

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You're forgiven Novo. Just. Don't tell us, surely that must be a belated Christmas cracker joke. :sneaky:

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Worse than that. It's for next Christmas.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Irishman were in a pub talking about their families.
"My son was born on St George’s Day, ‘remarked the Englishman, ‘So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That’s really interesting’, observed the Frenchman’, My daughter was born on Valentine’s Day, so we decided to call her Valentine."
"That’s amazing’, drawled the Irishman dribbling his Guiness, "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

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As Novocastrian mentioned pronunciation (sort of), something stirred. Again, not a joke, but true...

In the days before Switzerland entered into Schengen, us southern 'Swissies' were often crossing the border to stock up on pinard. The Swiss customs officers were well aware of this, and were super vigilant, the limit being two bottles per adult.

A friend told me of a ruse that was becoming increasingly used in and around Geneva.

Pop over to France and buy seven bottles of wine; put six in the car boot, and leave one on full display on the rear seat.

Crossing back into Switzerland, one would be asked the inevitable "Avez-vous des marchandises ou du vin?", at which point one replies - accompanied by a head-jerk or thumb raised towards the rear seat - "Cette bouteille". The expected result being "Merci monsieur, passez une bonne soirée".

;)

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Mary became aware that her pubic hair was developing fast. She was a little concerned and asked her mum about it.
Mother replied, “That's nothing to be worried about, that area is often referred to as monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”

Mary smiled, and at dinner she whispered to her sister: “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said: “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

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How does a Frenchman commit suicide?
He fires a bullet 15 centimeters above his head right in his superiority complex ...
What is the difference between God and a Frenchman?
God, he does not take himself for a Frenchman.

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The teacher was preparing for a question that she asked the children at the end of the day every Friday. If a child got it right she allowed them the day off on Monday.
Little Johnny had never succeeded in this, but for once was determined to answer a question correctly. So he coloured two of his marbles completely black with a magic marker, then let them roll towards the front of the classroom close to his teachers feet.
Looking down, she suddenly shouted out, "Ok, who's the commedian with the black balls?"
Johnny's hand shot up, and he shouted, "Bill Cosby! See ya on Tuesday miss!"

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Invoking the character referred to in Tweddie's signature, if you happen to be talking to a German today, don't mention the Var.

Re: bad jokes...
 

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you Miss. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."