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-   -   bad jokes... (https://britishexpats.com/forum/france-76/bad-jokes-579795/)

Blackladder Apr 13th 2014 6:47 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Why hasn't somebody come up with this one:

In the Pistorius trial, his best defence must surely be to say:
Well, Mylady, I had been drinking pretty hard that night and was totally legless.'

InVinoVeritas Apr 19th 2014 5:30 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
For those with decent French cos it doesn't translate:-

Avec quoi ramasse-t-on la papaye ? ... Avec une foufourche !

Makes the kids cry with laughter.

(Think stutter and straw)

Tweedpipe Apr 19th 2014 6:04 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas (Post 11225383)
For those with decent French cos it doesn't translate:-

Avec quoi ramasse-t-on la papaye ? ... Avec une foufourche !

Makes the kids cry with laughter.

(Think stutter and straw)

:)

Then your kids will probably like these. (In Franglais to add interest with a difference):

i) Little Johnny comes home from school. "Dad, dad, I was the only one in the class to answer a question today!"
"What was the question?"
"C'était, 'Qui a posé une punaise sur ma chaise!'"
Spoiler:
"It was, who put a tack on my chair!"

ii) A camel said to a dromedary, "How's it going?"
"Bien, je bosse, et toi?
"Eh ben, Je bosse, je bosse!"
Spoiler:
Bosse = hump or work (slang)

iii) A lady worm met one of her friends, who said, "You look depressed, where's your husband, isn't he with you?
To which she replied, "Non, il est à la pêche..."

iv) The teacher says to the kids, "I've just marked your maths homework which was about the volume of water from a leaking tap. Toto, you didn't give an answer, except for a telephone number. Why?"
Toto replied, "C'est celui de mon père, m'sieur, il est plombier..."
Spoiler:
"It's my dad's number, he's a plumber."


And one of my favourites from Coluche:
Catastrophe maritime - un bateau chargé de Yo-Yo a coulé......quarante-sept fois.
Spoiler:
(Maritime disaster. A boat with a cargo of yo-yo's, has sunk........47 times!)


And finally, for those with fairly advanced French (who know their slang), another Colouche special. NOT to be shown or told to the kids!
Spoiler:
'J'ai appris qu'il fallait cueillir les cerises avec la queue. Je suis bien embeté, j'avais déja du mal avec la main!'

Chris.J Apr 23rd 2014 3:03 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
What does the cheese say when it looks in the mirror?

Hal-oooo-mee

dmu Apr 23rd 2014 5:01 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Chris.J (Post 11230855)
What does the cheese say when it looks in the mirror?

Hal-oooo-mee


No smiley for Groan...
(Had to google to understand the joke!)

Tweedpipe May 12th 2014 6:50 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
After a young man had grown up, one evening he and his father were sat watching TV. During a pause in the program, the father remarked,
"Son, every time I gave you a whipping years ago when you were bad, you would go into the bathroom and spend about 30 minutes, scrubbing the toilet. You got it spotlessly clean, and I could never figure out why you did that".
Without taking his eyes off the TV, the young man replied,
"I was just getting even with you, for whipping me".
The father was startled and replied, "How? By cleaning the toilet?"
"No", the son answered, "By scrubbing it with YOUR TOOTHBRUSH!".

cyrian May 17th 2014 10:54 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
A train for Alex Salmond:

Alex Salmond's colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him. So an official went to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the possibilities.
"There are a number of locomotives at the NRM without names" a consultant told the official, “but they are mostly freight locomotives."

"Oh dear, a freight locomotive is not very fitting for a party leader," said Sir Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing to the 'Flying Scotsman'.
"That one has already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying Scotsman'."

“Couldn't we rename it?" asked the official.
"I suppose for Alex Salmond it might be considered," said the consultant.

"That's excellent", said the official, "So that's settled then...let's look at re-naming the 'Flying Scotsman'. How much will it cost? Remember we can't spend too much, given the expenses scandal!"

"Well", said the consultant, "Why don't we just paint out the 'F'."

Tweedpipe May 26th 2014 9:44 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
On a currently topical subject, I always suspected that my neighbour was anti-Europe. On noticing yesterday that he had a boil on the back of his neck, now I'm convinced he's a Euroseptic.......:embarrassed_smile:

Tweedpipe Aug 11th 2014 6:04 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Here's a golden-oldie (with a French flavour) that I heard at our sports club over the weekend.

An Englishman residing in France, went into the local hospital and said to the receptionist (with an accent), " Bonjour, je voudwai me faire, um.... um,....stewiliser".
(Good morning, I'd like to be sterilized).
The receptionist calls a doctor who explains to the man that he's surprised at the request because it's a rather delicate procedure. To which the man replied, " Ca me fait rwian, je voudwai me faire stewiliser" (I don't care, I want it done).
The Englishman is asked to sign the formalities, and is booked into the hospital, and the next day the operation is performed.
He is eventually discharged, and on the way out he meets a French friend who greets him saying, "Alors Bob! Ca y est, tu t'es fait vacciner?" (Hi Bob, that's it? Have you had your vaccination?)
Bob replies, "Ah merde! Vacciner! C'est ca le mot que je cherchais!"
Spoiler:
(Oh sh*t. Vacciner! That's the word I was looking for........)

le plumber Aug 11th 2014 10:55 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 11364943)
Here's a golden-oldie (with a French flavour) that I heard at our sports club over the weekend.

An Englishman residing in France, went into the local hospital and said to the receptionist (with an accent), " Bonjour, je voudwai me faire, um.... um,....stewiliser".
(Good morning, I'd like to be sterilized).
The receptionist calls a doctor who explains to the man that he's surprised at the request because it's a rather delicate procedure. To which the man replied, " Ca me fait rwian, je voudwai me faire stewiliser" (I don't care, I want it done).
The Englishman is asked to sign the formalities, and is booked into the hospital, and the next day the operation is performed.
He is eventually discharged, and on the way out he meets a French friend who greets him saying, "Alors Bob! Ca y est, tu t'es fait vacciner?" (Hi Bob, that's it? Have you had your vaccination?)
Bob replies, "Ah merde! Vacciner! C'est ca le mot que je cherchais!"
Spoiler:
(Oh sh*t. Vacciner! That's the word I was looking for........)

HA HA like it!!:lol::rofl:

le plumber Aug 11th 2014 10:56 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 'station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger

'Fook**g Jaysus', says the Irishman, 'them boys at BMW they thinks of everything.'

Tweedpipe Aug 11th 2014 11:54 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by le plumber (Post 11365202)
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 'station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger

'Fook**g Jaysus', says the Irishman, 'them boys at BMW they thinks of everything.'

Excellent!:thumbsup:
Talking of BM's, the other weekend I visited BMW Welt (World) in Munich. Marvellous place! Well worth a visit.
However didn't see any golf tees for sale in the boutique......;)

audio Aug 12th 2014 8:07 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Another fairly old one:

Sorry, but we are British

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f-----g tie.”

mikelincs Aug 18th 2014 9:10 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
I have a major problem counting in French, I'm OK so far,, but it always goes wrong..
Un, deux. trois. quatre, cinc, six, sept.. ohh no.. sorry.. It's just that I have a huit allergy..

Tweedpipe Sep 10th 2014 10:37 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by le plumber (Post 11365202)
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol 'station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Top of the mornin' to yer, sir' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are those?, asks the attendant.
'They're called tees' replies Tiger.
'Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?' inquires the Irishman.
'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger

'Fook**g Jaysus', says the Irishman, 'them boys at BMW they thinks of everything.'

At the risk of doing this joke to death, I was reminded on my favourite watch forum a slightly franglais version that I enjoyed, and thought it might be worth sharing as it's particularly well written.
HERE

Gordon Barlow Sep 12th 2014 6:36 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 11399339)
At the risk of doing this joke to death, I was reminded on my favourite watch forum a slightly franglais version that I enjoyed, and thought it might be worth sharing as it's particularly well written.

At the risk of being chastised for going off-topic, here is Wikipedia's entry for Franglais, for those who aren't familiar with the word: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franglais I used to read Miles Kingston's columns with enormous pleasure.

Novocastrian Sep 12th 2014 10:50 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Gordon Barlow (Post 11402780)
At the risk of being chastised for going off-topic, here is Wikipedia's entry for Franglais, for those who aren't familiar with the word: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franglais I used to read Miles Kingston's columns with enormous pleasure.

I have some sympathy with this. English is my native tongue but 20 years ago I became effectively bilingual in German. This was A GOOD THING.

But when I was trying to speak french (which I learned before German) for many years after that I very often came out with excruciating sentences with several german words and worse, german sentence structure.

"Je veux zum Supermarkt aller". etc.

I'm over it now, and, astonishingly, can still speak rather good Allemand. oops.

Gordon Barlow Sep 13th 2014 12:18 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
During my first visit to France, apologising for my bad French I once said "Ma francaise c'est mal". And got out alive, though I think a couple of Frenchmen died laughing.

Tweedpipe Sep 13th 2014 6:29 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Gordon Barlow (Post 11403133)
During my first visit to France, apologising for my bad French I once said "Ma francaise c'est mal". And got out alive, though I think a couple of Frenchmen died laughing.

Nice one. :lol:

I recall years ago introducing a male work colleague to my French mother in law, one particularly balmy summer's day. He shook her hand, and she politely asked him, "Comment allez vous?"
He replied, "Bien, merci. Je suis tres chaud" (I'm hot stuff), instead of J'ai tres chaud. We all nearly wet ourselves!
Together with my wife, we never let him forget that particular gaffe.

Tweedpipe Oct 5th 2014 9:10 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door.
She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and exclaims, "Hmm, nice arse Reverend Mother! Now, where do you want me to hang the blind?"

le plumber Oct 28th 2014 8:51 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Tom's wife isn't wearing any underwear. Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Tom's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you £100." They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Tom is at work. On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Tom's wife £100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves. When Tom comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Tom asks, "Did he give you £100?" She thinks, "Oh my God, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me £100." "Good," Tom says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed £100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back - it's nice to know that we have friends we can trust!"

InVinoVeritas Oct 29th 2014 8:24 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Oh excellent! Must join a bridge club.

cyrian Nov 2nd 2014 6:09 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning;

"Windows frozen won't open.”
Husband texts back;
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later;
"Computer really buggered now."

Tweedpipe Nov 5th 2014 9:49 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
A man received the following text from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Harry.
I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping
myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around; in fact, more
than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer
live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
promise that it won't, ever happen again."
Poor Harry, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun
and, without a word, shot his wife, dead.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn! Auto-correct! It should have read 'wifi', not 'wife'.

Tweedpipe Nov 5th 2014 10:53 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Who said love was dead?

http://image.slidesharecdn.com/diver...?cb=1361737167

http://cdn0.bodas.com.mx/usr/3/3/3/0/cfb_112192.jpg

http://www.glasbergen.com/wp-content...oons/mar96.gif

http://www.bridalbuds.com/wp-content...ws-cartoon.jpg

http://www.glasbergen.com/wp-content...iage/mar19.gif

http://www.culdaffparish.com/Images/...geCartoon2.jpg

http://www.cartoonists.co.uk/nigelsu...t-I-submit.jpg

http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/23...a421028445.jpg

Cindy was 9 years old, and this was the third wedding she had been to that summer. She turned to her mother and asked:
"Mummy, why is the bride always wearing a beautiful white dress?"
"Oh that's because it's the happiest day of her life."
To which she replied, "In that case why does the groom wear a black suit?"
;)

Tweedpipe Nov 5th 2014 12:41 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It's unopened, but as I'm well over the customs limits I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not be dishonest or lie to them."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they go through Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

He answered, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer rather strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down?"

The priest replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which to date, is unused."

With a laugh the official waved him through.

InVinoVeritas Nov 25th 2014 4:36 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

In Dubai they don't watch The Flintstones but........Abu Dhabi Do!

Novocastrian Nov 25th 2014 8:55 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas (Post 11483211)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

In Dubai they don't watch The Flintstones but........Abu Dhabi Do!

I have just given your new avatar permission to shoot you. :sneaky:

Tweedpipe Nov 25th 2014 10:02 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Novocastrian (Post 11484067)
I have just given your new avatar permission to shoot you. :sneaky:

Too late! I hung him 2 days ago along the Rio Grande. Without Reservation. He Was Expendable......;)

BEVS Nov 25th 2014 10:11 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas (Post 11483211)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

In Dubai they don't watch The Flintstones but........Abu Dhabi Do!

OMG :lol:

InVinoVeritas Nov 26th 2014 9:40 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
I would refer the honourable members to the title of this thread.

Tweedpipe Nov 26th 2014 10:30 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas (Post 11484501)
I would refer the honourable members to the title of this thread.

Ok, you asked for this.....;)

Why was the baby ant so confused?
Spoiler:
Because all of his uncles were ants.
:scarper:

InVinoVeritas Nov 26th 2014 12:44 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Come, come TP - the title says "bad jokes" not "bloody awful jokes".

Tweedpipe Nov 26th 2014 1:41 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Ok. Must try harder. Here's a bad one. :whistle:

The teacher said to the class, “Today children, we are going to learn multisyllabic words. Does anyone have an example of a multisyllabic word?”
After a second or two, little Johnny's hand shot up, "I do miss, I do!"
The teacher smiled with pride and said, “Alright, Johnny, what's your multisyllabic word?”
Little Johnny replied, “Mas-tur-bate, miss”
The teacher's taken aback, but she manages to raise a smile and says, “Wow, Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
And little Johnny replies,
Spoiler:
"No, miss, you’re thinking of a bl*w job. I’m talking about a hand job!”

InVinoVeritas Nov 26th 2014 3:41 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
:thumbsup:

Novocastrian Nov 26th 2014 10:38 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Could a passing Supermoderator please change the thread title to "Good jokes..." or similar, please?

InVinoVeritas Nov 27th 2014 5:26 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Not sure if this is a good joke or a bad joke, but a joke it certainly is:-

There was once was a good man, who finding his people hungry and wanting to feed them, shared his disciple's 5 loaves and 2 fishes with them.



Only a miracle is going to make this work!

InVinoVeritas Dec 3rd 2014 2:47 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Secret identity of French Finance Minister

Nobody knows this but the French Finance Minister is actually none other than retired BBC commentator Murray Walker - you'd think someone would have guessed this from all the gaffs he has made.

If you don't believe it here is Murray Walker:-

Is this Michel Sapin? : British Expat Photo Gallery

and here is Michel Sapin:-

Or is this Michel Sapin? : British Expat Photo Gallery

Or is it the other way round?

Any how they both say the same things:-

I don't make mistakes. I make prophecies which immediately turn out to be wrong.
Somebody said once 'Follow the money' and that is what it is all about.
I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes.
That's history. I say history because it happened in the past.
And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.

InVinoVeritas Dec 6th 2014 9:29 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Authoritative view on why Yorkshire is better than Lancashire:-


Tweedpipe Dec 6th 2014 7:19 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
A smile for the weekend.

A husband and wife decide to make up a password for sex, and they decide on ‘washing machine’.
Later in bed that night the husband whispers, “Washing machine.”
His wife replies, “Not tonight darling, I have a headache.”
Half an hour later she feels guilty, and whispers to her husband, “Washing machine.”
The husband - by this time really pissed off, replies, “Too late. It was only a small load, so I decided to do it by hand!"


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