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treskillard Dec 22nd 2008 1:42 pm

bad jokes...
 
Q: Why was the snail angry?

A: Because is-car-got nicked.

G-J-B Dec 22nd 2008 2:18 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Oh dear, that's terrible! If the French had Christmas crackers this one would be in there! :rofl: If it's any consolation, it made me laugh. :)

onlyonebrenda Dec 29th 2008 9:26 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by G-J-B (Post 7091139)
Oh dear, that's terrible! If the French had Christmas crackers this one would be in there! :rofl: If it's any consolation, it made me laugh. :)

I arranged to bring some crackers over from England specially for a French get together yesterday which included the presence of the local curé. It was supposed to be an English Christmas dinner on Christmas Day but I was told they'd all be with their families. My friend was also horrified, as was everyone else, at the thought of me offering brussel sprouts. 'You're not going to tell me you've eaten brussels sprouts for the last forty years at Christmas!' 'Er, yes....' Don't even mention sweetcorn and parsnips. Upshot was that my friend did the savoury part and I provided the pudding and mince pies. Despite his gloomy prognostications everyone enjoyed the pudding (Don't use beef suet - they can taste it and don't like it) and brandy butter and rum butter were interesting novelties. They also really enjoyed the crackers - even the curé wore his paper crown which he felt was a rather pleasing and appropriate shade of purple:rofl: However, it's bad enough getting the terrible word play on the mottos in English, they're absolutely untranslateable in French. By the way have you noticed how French conversation is invariably about food?
P.S. I did miss my roast potatoes parsnips and brussels though but perhaps it was as well. Having gone to all this trouble I ate two mouthfuls and immediately threw up as I'd gone down with 'le gastro'.

Ewood Dec 29th 2008 10:08 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by onlyonebrenda (Post 7108474)
I arranged to bring some crackers over from England specially for a French get together yesterday which included the presence of the local curé. It was supposed to be an English Christmas dinner on Christmas Day but I was told they'd all be with their families. My friend was also horrified, as was everyone else, at the thought of me offering brussel sprouts. 'You're not going to tell me you've eaten brussels sprouts for the last forty years at Christmas!' 'Er, yes....' Don't even mention sweetcorn and parsnips. Upshot was that my friend did the savoury part and I provided the pudding and mince pies. Despite his gloomy prognostications everyone enjoyed the pudding (Don't use beef suet - they can taste it and don't like it) and brandy butter and rum butter were interesting novelties. They also really enjoyed the crackers - even the curé wore his paper crown which he felt was a rather pleasing and appropriate shade of purple:rofl: However, it's bad enough getting the terrible word play on the mottos in English, they're absolutely untranslateable in French. By the way have you noticed how French conversation is invariably about food?
P.S. I did miss my roast potatoes parsnips and brussels though but perhaps it was as well. Having gone to all this trouble I ate two mouthfuls and immediately threw up as I'd gone down with 'le gastro'.

My OHs mother always used to make her eat two or three sprouts at Xmas dinner.
Until the day she sneezed semi-chewed sprouts over the whole table. :D

treskillard Dec 30th 2008 8:26 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Are you sure this isn't a scripting meeting for a new sitcom that you are writing Bren? The Cure too? It is too good a story.,

Scene 1.
Act 1.

Somewhere in France:

Bren: Now Christmas time is here and the the sun his slothful passage marks a change...
Andy: This is a sitcom not bloddy Shakespeare you sodding intellectual.
Val: Enough of words and crossed humours. Thread closed.,


Originally Posted by onlyonebrenda (Post 7108474)
I arranged to bring some crackers over from England specially for a French get together yesterday which included the presence of the local curé. It was supposed to be an English Christmas dinner on Christmas Day but I was told they'd all be with their families. My friend was also horrified, as was everyone else, at the thought of me offering brussel sprouts. 'You're not going to tell me you've eaten brussels sprouts for the last forty years at Christmas!' 'Er, yes....' Don't even mention sweetcorn and parsnips. Upshot was that my friend did the savoury part and I provided the pudding and mince pies. Despite his gloomy prognostications everyone enjoyed the pudding (Don't use beef suet - they can taste it and don't like it) and brandy butter and rum butter were interesting novelties. They also really enjoyed the crackers - even the curé wore his paper crown which he felt was a rather pleasing and appropriate shade of purple:rofl: However, it's bad enough getting the terrible word play on the mottos in English, they're absolutely untranslateable in French. By the way have you noticed how French conversation is invariably about food?
P.S. I did miss my roast potatoes parsnips and brussels though but perhaps it was as well. Having gone to all this trouble I ate two mouthfuls and immediately threw up as I'd gone down with 'le gastro'.


Ewood Dec 30th 2008 3:17 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by treskillard (Post 7110018)
Are you sure this isn't a scripting meeting for a new sitcom that you are writing Bren? The Cure too? It is too good a story.,

Scene 1.
Act 1.

Somewhere in France:

Bren: Now Christmas time is here and the the sun his slothful passage marks a change...
Andy: This is a sitcom not bloddy Shakespeare you sodding intellectual.
Val: Enough of words and crossed humours. Thread closed.,

You missed out the thread hijackers Tres :rofl:

val50 Dec 30th 2008 4:01 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
hope you are feeling better now Brenda, and it was only one of those 24 hour things:wub:

I love brussel sprouts - especially when you've grown them yourself and you pick them when they are still small. :thumbsup:


Moi? close a thread Tres - only if you've been naughty, and not nice:lol:

treskillard Dec 30th 2008 6:23 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Sorry Brenda but that story has really tickled my fancy, a rare event since the op. I forgot that it ended with you sick. Hope you're better.
:wub:

Andrea50 Dec 30th 2008 8:06 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Crikey Tres, you been under the knife m8? Facelift?;):rofl:

Andrea50 Dec 30th 2008 8:06 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Well, it IS a "bad joke" thread ....................:rofl::rofl::rofl:

onlyonebrenda Jan 1st 2009 11:19 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7112071)
Well, it IS a "bad joke" thread ....................:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Well, they say life is stranger than fiction, and yes, maybe I do need to write that book I keep meaning to write, but Scout's or guide's honour everything I wrote was true. I'm just living in a magical timewarp here and it's great. My heart goes out to these lovely people.
Have a great new year all of you. I love you lots as well.

Ewood Jan 5th 2009 10:38 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away ."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

If you don't send this to at least three people....who gives a sh*t?

Andrea50 Jan 5th 2009 6:38 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
That is SO cool - there's hope for me yet then ..............:D

G-J-B Jan 6th 2009 6:51 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by onlyonebrenda (Post 7108474)
I arranged to bring some crackers over from England specially for a French get together yesterday which included the presence of the local curé. It was supposed to be an English Christmas dinner on Christmas Day but I was told they'd all be with their families. My friend was also horrified, as was everyone else, at the thought of me offering brussel sprouts. 'You're not going to tell me you've eaten brussels sprouts for the last forty years at Christmas!' 'Er, yes....' Don't even mention sweetcorn and parsnips. Upshot was that my friend did the savoury part and I provided the pudding and mince pies. Despite his gloomy prognostications everyone enjoyed the pudding (Don't use beef suet - they can taste it and don't like it) and brandy butter and rum butter were interesting novelties. They also really enjoyed the crackers - even the curé wore his paper crown which he felt was a rather pleasing and appropriate shade of purple:rofl: However, it's bad enough getting the terrible word play on the mottos in English, they're absolutely untranslateable in French. By the way have you noticed how French conversation is invariably about food?
P.S. I did miss my roast potatoes parsnips and brussels though but perhaps it was as well. Having gone to all this trouble I ate two mouthfuls and immediately threw up as I'd gone down with 'le gastro'.

I sent some crackers to my French parent-in-laws the previous Christmas - I think it's the first time they've ever had them, but they seemed to go down well.
Just wanted to say I totally agree with your comments about French and food. If the world moans at us Brits for talking about the weather, my god the French can waffle on about food.

Andrea50 Jan 6th 2009 6:37 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
I got one!

Two blonde girls were working for the council works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filing it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the one digging the hole, "I'm impressed by the amount of effort you are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick".

Ouch! (And I'm blonde, so no flack intended at blondes!!!):rofl::rofl:

Ewood Jan 6th 2009 9:37 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7133628)
I got one!

Two blonde girls were working for the council works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filing it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the one digging the hole, "I'm impressed by the amount of effort you are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick".

Ouch! (And I'm blonde, so no flack intended at blondes!!!):rofl::rofl:

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Ewood Jan 7th 2009 5:38 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until l I me t your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn , I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

Andrea50 Jan 7th 2009 6:31 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
:rofl::rofl:

They are classics, especially the paper bag one - think that suits me down to the ground - probably a full length bin bag might be better though come to think of it ............:rofl::rofl:

Anyway, off to bed now cos got to get up early for flight out from Bristol tomorrow, so have a good night everyone - will report in on trip to Lot on 15th when we get back!!

Andy (and Pete).

Ewood Jan 7th 2009 6:31 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7137838)
:rofl::rofl:

They are classics, especially the paper bag one - think that suits me down to the ground - probably a full length bin bag might be better though come to think of it ............:rofl::rofl:

Anyway, off to bed now cos got to get up early for flight out from Bristol tomorrow, so have a good night everyone - will report in on trip to Lot on 15th when we get back!!

Andy (and Pete).

Good luck :thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

Blackladder Jan 24th 2009 1:53 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new girlfriend?












No





Neither has he

treskillard Jan 24th 2009 6:32 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
er, there was that bit about jokes too don't forget

Andrea50 Jan 24th 2009 8:30 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
I've got another - it's long so get ready:

After getting all Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the car (and He doesn't travel light) the driver noticed the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me Your Holiness, would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, tell you the truth, they never let me drive at The Vatican so I'd love to drive today".

"Sorry, I can't let you do that" says the worried driver "What if something goes wrong?"

"I'll make it worth your while" says The Pope

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pope floors it and accelerates to over 100 mph.

"Please slow down sir" he says nervously, but the Pope ignores him until they hear the sirens. "Oh Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the cop takes one look and goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Superintendent" he says.

The super gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he's stopped a car going over 100mph.

"So what's the problem? Book him".

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important"

"Great - all the more reason - go on, do him" says the Super.

"No, I mean REALLY important" said the policeman.

"Who is it, the Mayor?"

"Nope, more important"

"Well, a Politician then?"

"Nope, bigger"

"Blimey, not the Queen is it? Says the Super, laughing.

"Nope, bigger"

"Crikey, who is it then?" says the baffled Super.

"I think it's God" whispers the policeman.

"GOD? What makes you think it's GOD?" says the Super.

"Well, he's got the Pope as his chauffeur".



Dreadful I know, but it made me chuckle.

Ewood Jan 24th 2009 8:42 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7209102)
I've got another - it's long so get ready:

After getting all Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the car (and He doesn't travel light) the driver noticed the Pope was still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me Your Holiness, would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, tell you the truth, they never let me drive at The Vatican so I'd love to drive today".

"Sorry, I can't let you do that" says the worried driver "What if something goes wrong?"

"I'll make it worth your while" says The Pope

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pope floors it and accelerates to over 100 mph.

"Please slow down sir" he says nervously, but the Pope ignores him until they hear the sirens. "Oh Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the cop takes one look and goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Superintendent" he says.

The super gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he's stopped a car going over 100mph.

"So what's the problem? Book him".

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important"

"Great - all the more reason - go on, do him" says the Super.

"No, I mean REALLY important" said the policeman.

"Who is it, the Mayor?"

"Nope, more important"

"Well, a Politician then?"

"Nope, bigger"

"Blimey, not the Queen is it? Says the Super, laughing.

"Nope, bigger"

"Crikey, who is it then?" says the baffled Super.

"I think it's God" whispers the policeman.

"GOD? What makes you think it's GOD?" says the Super.

"Well, he's got the Pope as his chauffeur".



Dreadful I know, but it made me chuckle.

I could only smile - cos I used to ell that one ,before my barain beacame unable to cope with anything that lengthy.

Hey Andy dudette, how's things?

Ewood Jan 24th 2009 9:52 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Talking of bad jokes......

FAREWELL GEORGE... THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN US!

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared"."
"Justice ought to be fair."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinionsbut I don't always agree with them."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
"(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be... hold hands."
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
"General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
"I think we agree, the past is over."
"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
"There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again."
"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
"You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
"Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe"
"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mum or a dad."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"They misunderestimated me."
"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding'."
"Public speaking is very easy."

Andrea50 Jan 25th 2009 9:54 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

You know, I think comedians are all dying in the aisles cos of Old George's departure - methinks the new chap might be a bit more intelligent (after all, he has to be as GB's IQ can't be more than his shoe size) and won't provide them with quite the material to take the p**s out of.

A stupid leader is one thing, a religious leader is another, a weak leader is another, but a stupid, religious, weak leader is dead dangerous as has been proved "beyond reasonable doubt".

The most surprising thing of all to me about George Bush's leadership was that no one bumped him off!:rofl::rofl:

So anyway, whilst we are doing the Bad Jokes thing, here's another, especially for Ewood!!:rofl:

************
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief he asks:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed here from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank".

"Amazing" he said. "You were lucky to get a boat washed up with you".

"Oh this old thing?" She said, "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem. On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware"

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place" she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, struck dumb. As they walk into the house, she says casually:

"Its not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No, thanks, I can't take another drop of coconut juice" says the guy.

"Well, it's not coconut juice. I have a still. How would you like a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet".

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him to sit down next to her. "Tell me" she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes ........

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes ............

"Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?"



AAAAAAAAAAARgh!:D

Ewood Jan 25th 2009 10:05 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7210550)
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

You know, I think comedians are all dying in the aisles cos of Old George's departure - methinks the new chap might be a bit more intelligent (after all, he has to be as GB's IQ can't be more than his shoe size) and won't provide them with quite the material to take the p**s out of.

A stupid leader is one thing, a religious leader is another, a weak leader is another, but a stupid, religious, weak leader is dead dangerous as has been proved "beyond reasonable doubt".

The most surprising thing of all to me about George Bush's leadership was that no one bumped him off!:rofl::rofl:

So anyway, whilst we are doing the Bad Jokes thing, here's another, especially for Ewood!!:rofl:

************
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing; only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief he asks:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed here from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank".

"Amazing" he said. "You were lucky to get a boat washed up with you".

"Oh this old thing?" She said, "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree".

"But where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem. On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware"

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place" she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, struck dumb. As they walk into the house, she says casually:

"Its not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No, thanks, I can't take another drop of coconut juice" says the guy.

"Well, it's not coconut juice. I have a still. How would you like a pina colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged stories, the woman announces "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet".

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.

There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing" he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons him to sit down next to her. "Tell me" she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes ........

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes ............

"Bloody hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well?"



AAAAAAAAAAARgh!:D

Thank you Andy :thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

Andrea50 Jan 25th 2009 10:36 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Your welcome, Grandad!:rofl:

Tell you what though, the best "bad joke" of all is the flippin exchange rate. Scuppered me budget that has. Have found some really nice properties in Brittany though, so might send you those later by e-mail for you to give them the once over. We are thinking of going over around 25th Feb for a gander, as our measley budget won't even get us a bread oven in Lot.:(

Will write later, have a nice Sunday morning!

Blackladder Jan 25th 2009 1:28 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Sorry 'bout that, let's see if this one goes down better.

An elderly couple attend church one Sunday morning.
Halfway through the service the old lady whispers to her husband 'I've just dropped the most enormous silent fart, what should I do?'

'Change the batteries in yer hearing aid'

Ewood Jan 25th 2009 2:54 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Blackladder (Post 7211022)
Sorry 'bout that, let's see if this one goes down better.

An elderly couple attend church one Sunday morning.
Halfway through the service the old lady whispers to her husband 'I've just dropped the most enormous silent fart, what should I do?'

'Change the batteries in yer hearing aid'

:thumbsup:

Tweedpipe Jan 28th 2009 2:24 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
(Gasp of surprise!!)
'Thank God for that!' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of Chardonnay.

onlyonebrenda Jan 28th 2009 2:58 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Ewood (Post 7209357)
Talking of bad jokes......

FAREWELL GEORGE... THANKS FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE GIVEN US!

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"If you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is "to be prepared"."
"Justice ought to be fair."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"If the terriers and bariffs are torn down, this economy will grow."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
"September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"I have opinions of my own -strong opinionsbut I don't always agree with them."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"When the governor calls, I answer his phone."
"For every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings. And, folks, this is unacceptable in America. It's just unacceptable. And we're going to do something about it."
"(The Taliban) have no disregard for human life"
"I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be... hold hands."
"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
"It's a time of sorrow and sadness when we lose a loss of life."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"I'm honoured to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
"I recently met with the finance minister of the Palestinian Authority, was very impressed by his grasp of finances."
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
"General, I want to thank you for your service. And I appreciate the fact that you really snatched defeat out of the jaws of those who are trying to defeat us in Iraq."
"I think we agree, the past is over."
"America stands for liberty, for the pursuit of happiness, and for the unalienalienable right of life."
"There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again."
"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it."
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."
"You wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling."
"My job is a decision-making job, and as a result, I make a lot of decisions."
"Sometimes when you study history, you get stuck in the past."
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe"
"There is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend."
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."
"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to… the beauty of playing baseball."
"One year ago today, the time for excuse-making has come to an end."
"You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war president. No president wants to be a war president, but I am one."
"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
"(I will) keep good relations with the Grecians."
"I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport."
"We had a chance to visit with Teresa Nelson who's a parent, and a mum or a dad."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
"I'm sure you can imagine it's an unimaginable honour to live here."
"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"They misunderestimated me."
"I've coined new words, like 'misunderstanding'."
"Public speaking is very easy."

Loved the one on the French not having a word for entrepreneur That one makes a score double.:)

Blackladder Jan 30th 2009 2:55 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
HM the Queen and Dolly Parton go to heaven the same day and knock on the pearly gates for admission.

St Peter opens the door and says 'sorry ladies, we're a bit pushed today with the backlog so only one of you can get in, you will each get 5 minutes to explain why you should be admitted.'

Brash yank that she is, Dolly starts right in with 'The dear Lord almighty endowed me with a beautiful voice and divine body and I think that I should be allowed in, just to show all the folks here, and the Creator hisself, the joys of a wonderful southern voice and body' whereupon she unbuttons her blouse and St Peter turns bright red.

The Queen says not a word, just strolls over to a little toilet strategically placed in a little corner for those waiting in the queue to get in, and pulls the chain, then she walks back to Dolly and St Peter.

'That's it, your majesty, says St Peter, you are admitted, welcome to the kingdom of heaven.'

At this Dolly blows a fuse 'Now hold the goddam phone here, I explained why I should be let in with my wonderful voice and body an' all, now all she did was pull the chain on that little lavatooory, how come she gets in and I don'? It plumb aint fair!'

St Peter says 'Now Dolly you know the rules. A royal flush always beats a pair, no matter how big they are.'

Andrea50 Jan 31st 2009 10:35 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

That's a good un!

Andrea50 Feb 4th 2009 9:53 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
A man and his wife were having problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need her to get him up at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE) he wrote on a piece of paper:

"Please wake me at 5.00 am".

He left it where he knew she would find it.
Next morning, the man wakes up, only to discover it is 9.00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why she hadn't woken him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said:

"It's 5.00 am - wake up".

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.

Ewood Feb 5th 2009 4:43 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Andrea50 (Post 7249588)
A man and his wife were having problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need her to get him up at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE) he wrote on a piece of paper:

"Please wake me at 5.00 am".

He left it where he knew she would find it.
Next morning, the man wakes up, only to discover it is 9.00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why she hadn't woken him up, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said:

"It's 5.00 am - wake up".

Men are not equipped for these kind of contests.

This one would not have been caught out so easily :zzz:

Blackladder Feb 16th 2009 10:46 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Two Asian heroin addicts have accidentally injected themselves with curry powder. Both are in intensive care. One has a tricky tikka and the other is in a korma.

Blackladder Feb 16th 2009 10:50 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Back at Ballykissangel,

A drunk Irish feller staggers into the confessional and sits down heavily, without saying a word. After a few minutes, the priest, to catch his attention, bangs three times on the wall.

'Bejasus, no use bangin' like that, there's no paper on this side oither.'

Andrea50 Feb 16th 2009 6:58 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Blackladder Mar 12th 2009 8:10 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Here's one of my absolute fav book titles, should be nominated for the Hooker Prize:

Fellatio: A blow-by-blow account

Andrea50 Mar 12th 2009 9:57 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Oh blimey, can they get any worse?:rofl::rofl: Of course, you are talking to someone who thought for years that a blow-job was something you got at the hairdressers ........


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