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-   -   bad jokes... (https://britishexpats.com/forum/france-76/bad-jokes-579795/)

Blackladder Jun 22nd 2012 1:55 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Adolf Schickelgruber - no that was a painter...
:p

Novocastrian Jun 22nd 2012 4:02 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10133029)
Le Plumber:-

I'm sure you probably know this, but if not here goes.

To which famous person is the following quotation attributed to?

"If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber."

I think that was my former avatar.

Tweedpipe Jun 22nd 2012 4:33 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Novocastrian (Post 10133350)
I think that was my former avatar.

:hand: Shhhh....;)

le plumber Jun 22nd 2012 5:20 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10133420)
:hand: Shhhh....;)

Well, thanks to Geoff, I'd say Einstein.... but to be honest I haven't got a clue:confused:

Tweedpipe Jun 22nd 2012 8:08 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by le plumber (Post 10133518)
Well, thanks to Geoff, I'd say Einstein.... but to be honest I haven't got a clue:confused:

Yep! Albert Einstein. No idea however what prompted such a comment. Anyway looks like you're in good company.......;)

le plumber Jun 23rd 2012 7:50 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10133781)
Yep! Albert Einstein. No idea however what prompted such a comment. Anyway looks like you're in good company.......;)

Well I reckon after a few blocked toilets, a useless supplier and a bit a back ache he'd quickly change his mind!!! :lol::lol:

Novocastrian Jun 23rd 2012 8:22 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10133781)
Yep! Albert Einstein. No idea however what prompted such a comment. Anyway looks like you're in good company.......;)

:);)

Tweedpipe Jun 24th 2012 9:51 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Actually I can probably guess what you did before you became a plumber...;)

A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. “This is one-third of my monthly salary!” he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, “I understand your position as a professor. Why don’t you come to our company and apply for the position of a plumber ?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don’t like super-educated people.”

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He had to seal a screw or two occasionally, or fit new seals, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students’ knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got “minus pi times r square.”

He didn’t like the minus in the result, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: “Switch the limits of the integral!!”

le plumber Jun 26th 2012 8:20 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
1 Attachment(s)
:lol:

http://britishexpats.com/forum/attac...1&d=1340742000

Sue Jul 2nd 2012 6:44 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by le plumber (Post 10140687)

Love it!! :D

cyrian Jul 20th 2012 6:37 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Not a joke but will make you laugh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM

analyst Jul 20th 2012 12:40 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
As he said - not a joke but will make you laugh . . . or maybe cry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM

cyrian Jul 21st 2012 8:21 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by analyst (Post 10183296)
As he said - not a joke but will make you laugh . . . or maybe cry!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqi0DwNLJdM

:rofl: and :banghead:

analyst Jul 21st 2012 11:36 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by cyrian (Post 10184717)
:rofl: and :banghead:

Yup, about sums it up.
But console yourself in the knowledge that this is the country with its finger on the trigger of the biggest arsenal of weapons ever amassed in the world.

cyrian Jul 30th 2012 11:20 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Dear Tech Support,



Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.



In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0, Out With The Lads 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?



Signed,
Desperate






Dear Desperate:



First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2, and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.



Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash! In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.



You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.



Good Luck,

Tweedpipe Oct 21st 2012 3:24 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
An elderly couple were watching an evangelical show on tv and the preacher said “For those viewers who want to be healed, place one hand on the tv, and the other hand on the part of the body body that needs to be healed”.
The old lady got up and slowly hobbled to the tv, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was the source of pain.
The old man then got up, moved to the tv, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "You just don't get it, do you! The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!"
:)

le plumber Oct 21st 2012 6:05 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Blackladder Nov 5th 2012 10:14 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
Forget whether we've had this one:

Angela Merkel arrives at de Gaulle Aiport.
The immigration officer asks her

'Your name please Madame?'

'Angela Merkel'

'Occupation?'

'Oh, no, just a weekend stay.'

cyrian Dec 1st 2012 1:02 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Check out this thread in the Lounge http://britishexpats.com/forum/showthread.php?t=766240

Tweedpipe Jan 3rd 2013 6:31 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Here's kicking off with the first joke for 2013.

An old chap goes to his doctor for his medical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, "99". The old chap obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, "99". Again, the old boy says, "99".
The doctor said, “Very good”. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis just to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, "99". The old chap begins,
"One...two…three…"

Tweedpipe Mar 15th 2013 2:07 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Marriage Humour.

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing"
Wife: "What d'you mean nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for over an hour!"
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."
:D

Blackladder Apr 27th 2013 3:01 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Yank arrives at Charles de Gaulle and takes a taxi into town. On the way they pass Sacré Coeur. 'Gee, what's that? asks the yank. Taxi driver answers 'That, m'sieu, is the Sacré Coeur, it took over 300 years to build.' 'Shucks, we coulda built that in three days.'
After a while, they pass the Eiffel Tower. 'Wow, what's that?' asks the yank. 'Don't know m'sieu, it wasn't there this morning.'

Tweedpipe May 29th 2013 5:59 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up
to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy
some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he exclaimed, "My God! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! No way can I let you have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Ah! You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

Chatter Static May 29th 2013 8:41 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
:lol:

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10731073)
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up
to the Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy
some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he exclaimed, "My God! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll
lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! No way can I let you have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Ah! You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."


wetwang Jun 1st 2013 7:11 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
My next door neighbour leant over the fence and was eying up my brand new Lawn mower. "Any chance of using your mower Pal" ? he asked. I said "Certainly anytime as long as you don't take it out of my garden"

Tweedpipe Aug 15th 2013 3:24 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics.
He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came, and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly re-assembling the engine. Then I gave you an additional 50% for having performed all of the work through the exhaust pipe!"
:)

Novocastrian Aug 15th 2013 5:03 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10852271)
After 40 years as a gynaecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics.
He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard.
The day of the final exam came, and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam.
John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly re-assembling the engine. Then I gave you an additional 50% for having performed all of the work through the exhaust pipe!"
:)

Thank you for the belly laugh. :rofl:

Tweedpipe Sep 22nd 2013 12:40 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby".
He takes off his trousers and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder repeats, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby".
He then removes his underwear........ and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Tweedpipe Nov 5th 2013 12:32 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Here's a golden oldie.

An Irish nun went to the Mother Superior and declared she was pregnant.
Mother Superior was horrified. “Who is the father?” she asked, stony-faced. “It’s a Saint, holy Mother, so I guess it’s all right,” said the nun.
“Show me this Saint,” demanded the Mother.
The nun led her outside the abbey and pointed to Michael the gardener. “That's him there,” she said.
“Why do you think he’s a Saint?” a surprised Mother Superior asked.
“Well, Holy Mother, because he showed me his underwear. And he had his name embroidered on the inside of his underpants!” :eek:

dmu Nov 5th 2013 1:06 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10977442)
Here's a golden oldie.

An Irish nun went to the Mother Superior and declared she was pregnant.
Mother Superior was horrified. “Who is the father?” she asked, stony-faced. “It’s a Saint, holy Mother, so I guess it’s all right,” said the nun.
“Show me this Saint,” demanded the Mother.
The nun led her outside the abbey and pointed to Michael the gardener. “That's him there,” she said.
“Why do you think he’s a Saint?” a surprised Mother Superior asked.
“Well, Holy Mother, because he showed me his underwear. And he had his name embroidered on the inside of his underpants!” :eek:

:rofl::rofl:

Tweedpipe Nov 13th 2013 2:28 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
A 5 year old boy ran up to his grandad and excitedly asked, "Grandad grandad, can you croak like a frog?"
"No I'm afraid I can't", the old man replied.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up and asked him the same question. "No, I can't! But why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Mum said that as soon as you croak, we can all go to Disneyland."

le plumber Nov 13th 2013 5:27 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10989411)
A 5 year old boy ran up to his grandad and excitedly asked, "Grandad grandad, can you croak like a frog?"
"No I'm afraid I can't", the old man replied.
A few minutes later, his granddaughter ran up and asked him the same question. "No, I can't! But why are you both asking me this?"
The granddaughter looked up at him and said, "Mum said that as soon as you croak, we can all go to Disneyland."

I like it :thumbsup:

I suppose for our french friends the joke could be translated into meuh (meurt) like a cow

Tweedpipe Nov 16th 2013 8:48 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
An elderly couple have finally learnt how to send texts on their smartphones.
The wife (who's a real romantic at heart) sends a text to her husband whilst he's out. It reads:
'I love you. If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are crying, send me your tears.'
The husband texts back:-
'I'm on the toilet. Please advise!'
:eek:

Novocastrian Nov 16th 2013 8:38 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 10993774)
An elderly couple have finally learnt how to send texts on their smartphones.
The wife (who's a real romantic at heart) sends a text to her husband whilst he's out. It reads:
'I love you. If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are crying, send me your tears.'
The husband texts back:-
'I'm on the toilet. Please advise!'
:eek:

:rofl:

Tweedpipe Dec 4th 2013 8:12 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Adjective joke. (With my profound apologies to Blackladder)!

The teacher was giving the young ones an English lesson, and explaining about adjectives.
Pointing at one little girl she said, "Mary, please give me a sentence with the word 'charming' in it."
Mary thought for a second and said, "Yesterday my sister was wearing a charming dress".
"Very good!" said the teacher, and turning towards the class she
asked, "Can anyone please give me a sentence with the word 'charming' in it, used twice."
Little Johnnie scratched his head in deep thought, and suddenly his hand shot up.
"Miss, miss! This morning, my big sister came down to breakfast and announced she was pregnant. And our Dad said, 'Well that's charming, bl**dy charming!!'"

le plumber Dec 5th 2013 4:48 am

Re: bad jokes...
 

Originally Posted by Tweedpipe (Post 11021063)
Adjective joke. (With my profound apologies to Blackladder)!

The teacher was giving the young ones an English lesson, and explaining about adjectives.
Pointing at one little girl she said, "Mary, please give me a sentence with the word 'charming' in it."
Mary thought for a second and said, "Yesterday my sister was wearing a charming dress".
"Very good!" said the teacher, and turning towards the class she
asked, "Can anyone please give me a sentence with the word 'charming' in it, used twice."
Little Johnnie scratched his head in deep thought, and suddenly his hand shot up.
"Miss, miss! This morning, my big sister came down to breakfast and announced she was pregnant. And our Dad said, 'Well that's charming, bl**dy charming!!'"


brilliant, love it:lol:

Tweedpipe Dec 29th 2013 9:25 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
My pal was surprised to see me wearing tights and frilly knickers whilst changing recently at the pool. 'Eh, how long have you been wearing that sort of kinky gear?' my pal asked.
'Oh these?' I replied, 'Ever since my wife found them on the back seat of the car!' :o

Tweedpipe Dec 29th 2013 9:49 am

Re: bad jokes...
 
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a slap-up meal for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table - naked. The wife agreed.
Later that night at the table the wife said, “Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”
The husband replied, “That’s not surprising, because you've got them in your soup!”

Tweedpipe Jan 12th 2014 6:27 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Question: What does the current Pope and President of France have in common?

Answer:
They are both named Francois.
Neither are married, and........
Both believe in miracles! :p

Tweedpipe Mar 29th 2014 8:55 pm

Re: bad jokes...
 
Just made this rough translation from a joke I heard today.

A school teacher told her students, "Children, this afternoon Mr. F.Hollande is coming to visit our school. It's a great honor, so it would be nice if everyone prepared a little gift or little speech for our President."
After a few moments thought Mary said, "I ​​will make him a beautiful drawing."
Little Pierre looked up and said, "I'll ask my mum to make a nice cake!"
After a long pause Toto said, " And I will tell him that my cat had six little socialist kittens."
"That sounds wonderful children!" exclaimed the teacher.

That afternoon, the President arrived and the children presented the drawing, and the cake. After which, Toto came forward and said, "Mr President, my cat had two small socialist kittens!"
F. Holland smiled and congratulated Toto.
After the president 's departure, the teacher turns to Toto and said, "Toto I don't understand why you told the President that you had two kittens. This morning you spoke of six socialist kittens!"
Toto replied, "Bin... oui Madame, mais c'est qu'entre temps il y en a quatre qui ont ouvert les yeux!"
("Yes Miss, but in the meantime there were four who opened their eyes!") :p


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