hi, all!
Jul 24th 2007 | 6:23 am
#46
Happy in Canada.
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 1,440
From: Winnipeg, manitoba
Re: hi, all!
how would you feel, for instance, if you had to come home from work and couldnt put your feet up in your own lounge to relax cos somebody's sat there all day hogging the tv on his/her favourite channel, and had to go straight upstairs to your room and sit around there to relax a few minutes, then rush downstairs to prepare dinner for your parents and also serve it to them, then pick up the dishes and clean/wash them, prepare the table for the kids, wait till they finish, clear the dishes, wash/clean and then tidy up the kitchen, by which time its back upstairs, 1/2 an hour rest and to bed?
how would it feel if you were made to feel a stranger in your own house, with everybody clamming up soon as you walked into the room?
Jul 24th 2007 | 12:06 pm
#48
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 257
From: Ontario
Re: hi, all!
hi, all and hope everyone is having a good day, wherever you are!
just a quickie from me.....does anyone on here have any good contacts regarding possible job openings within the aerospace/electronics/manufacturing industries in BC at all, please?
i am actually in 2 minds at the moment (thats me all over, i hear you all saying...!)--whether to go for a job or open a small business there. i have done some research regarding things like Subway, pizza restaurants and even Dollar shops.
the business choice will mean that i will have to work all gods hours in order to do well, something i have not been used to, having been an employee all my life! but, heck, if push comes to shove, i can do it if need be.
i am loking to be in BC in the next 2 or 3 months possibly.
with the job option, i can use my experience and qualifications to good use, for a reasonable salary. this option would suit me really to start with.
i have only been to BC the once for a recce, but i liked what i saw. but industries may not be as diverse as in ontario, where i was employed before.
there is also a possibility that i may land a job at my previous emplyer in ontario, but i'd rather live and work in BC!!
any info would be much appreciated.
just a quickie from me.....does anyone on here have any good contacts regarding possible job openings within the aerospace/electronics/manufacturing industries in BC at all, please?
i am actually in 2 minds at the moment (thats me all over, i hear you all saying...!)--whether to go for a job or open a small business there. i have done some research regarding things like Subway, pizza restaurants and even Dollar shops.
the business choice will mean that i will have to work all gods hours in order to do well, something i have not been used to, having been an employee all my life! but, heck, if push comes to shove, i can do it if need be.
i am loking to be in BC in the next 2 or 3 months possibly.
with the job option, i can use my experience and qualifications to good use, for a reasonable salary. this option would suit me really to start with.
i have only been to BC the once for a recce, but i liked what i saw. but industries may not be as diverse as in ontario, where i was employed before.
there is also a possibility that i may land a job at my previous emplyer in ontario, but i'd rather live and work in BC!!
any info would be much appreciated.
Im struggling with this, having read your post, with all respect to you I really think you are making a mistake. I read back through your previous posts and I truly dont believe you will be happy anywhere until you start taking full responsibility for yourself. You cannot, as an adult blame your parents for making your life a misery. People can only treat you as bad as you let them.
I may be wrong but it seems you have a definite pattern.
You were desperate to leave the UK listing the problems you perceived.
You were desperate to go to Canada. On or BC
When you received your Canadian visas you then wanted to go to the US
You arrived in Canada and were looking for quality assurance jobs.Then you were looking for work in the US
You complained about your treatment whilst looking for a job in the US
You wanted to go into realestate.
You then complained about the US, its people and policies.
You wanted to send your 11yr old to live in the US
After three months in Ontario, you hated the weather, the drivers, the beans, the smell(?)the cost of living, etc etc.
You return to UK from Canada, blaming kids education, not fitting in and your parents.
You arrive home, post that you are happy, no mention of parents,
then surprisingly you hate it back home, blaming parents, chavs, cost of living etc etc
You want to return to Canada
You want a Tim Hortons......or a subway... or a dollar store.... or a job...
In Ontario...
Or BC.....
Do you see a pattern, I have no wish to hurt your feelings, but you have to do some work on yourself here. Running back to Canada (on your own ) is a total recipe for disaster. If you are unhappy inside it doesnt matter where you live. It seems that you are never happy with what you have , therefore you will never be happy with what you get in the future.
Please dont rush into this. You may well lose everything.
I wish you well
Annie
You say you are in quality assurance... start by appraising your own LIFE quality
Last edited by annie3-4; Jul 24th 2007 at 12:18 pm.
Jul 24th 2007 | 12:45 pm
#49
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 108
From: BC
Re: hi, all!
Maybe he wants to get away from his wife for a couple of years?
Jul 24th 2007 | 3:33 pm
#50
Born again atheist
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 30,259
From: Europe (to be specified).
Re: hi, all!
I, too, took some time to look back over some of his previous posts.....I just shook my head and moved on. He might consider this as a sensible course of action.
Jul 24th 2007 | 5:13 pm
#51
Forum Regular
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 129
From: Vancouver, BC
Re: hi, all!
I appreciate that only you and your wife can decide what is right for your family. I will only say, please, please, please, make sure that you are both 100% behind this decision. If one of you has even the smallest concerns/doubts that it may not be the right way, then don't do it - find another way to get out of your current situation.
Remember, while you are busy making a new life in Canada your wife will be at home enduring the same situation that you're both finding impossible to bear now, only she'll be coping with it alone. I can well imagine that in time she could come to resent you for leaving her behind (especially if your family are likely to be making poisonous comments about you). Any arguments you have when you're separated by a long distance are brooded over and not so easily forgotton/forgiven.
If you are going to do this, then be sure to make sure you visit home as frequently as possible (more than once a year!) and book flights now for your wife and kids to come visit you on every school holiday/every possible opportunity so as to minimise your time apart and so that your family has specific dates to look forward to when you'll be together again.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you do
Nic
Remember, while you are busy making a new life in Canada your wife will be at home enduring the same situation that you're both finding impossible to bear now, only she'll be coping with it alone. I can well imagine that in time she could come to resent you for leaving her behind (especially if your family are likely to be making poisonous comments about you). Any arguments you have when you're separated by a long distance are brooded over and not so easily forgotton/forgiven.
If you are going to do this, then be sure to make sure you visit home as frequently as possible (more than once a year!) and book flights now for your wife and kids to come visit you on every school holiday/every possible opportunity so as to minimise your time apart and so that your family has specific dates to look forward to when you'll be together again.
I wish you the best of luck whatever you do
Nic
Jul 24th 2007 | 5:53 pm
#52
Banned
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,106
From: Beautiful BC
Re: hi, all!
Julius, just let it go.
Noone is making you and your family stay at the parents house, its a big country, find somewhere else and reclaim your life.
If England is too grim then consider emmigrating to Oz, or NZ, or somewhere in Europe. Splitting up the family for 5 years for the sake of being in Canada is not the answer, its too high a price.
You sound miserable, I dont blame you, but as Dingbat says, get some spherical appendiges and move out, and get on with your life. Let Canada go for the sake of your family. I like canada, as you know, but I like it most because thats where my family life is, as long as I have them, the geographic location is relatively unimportant.
Noone is making you and your family stay at the parents house, its a big country, find somewhere else and reclaim your life.
If England is too grim then consider emmigrating to Oz, or NZ, or somewhere in Europe. Splitting up the family for 5 years for the sake of being in Canada is not the answer, its too high a price.
You sound miserable, I dont blame you, but as Dingbat says, get some spherical appendiges and move out, and get on with your life. Let Canada go for the sake of your family. I like canada, as you know, but I like it most because thats where my family life is, as long as I have them, the geographic location is relatively unimportant.
Jul 24th 2007 | 7:42 pm
#53
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 149
From: Ajax, Ontario
Re: hi, all!
Julius, I think the above post from Notiank says it all and I hope you've read it. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do but please rethink your current plan. My own thinking is - having read your posts for quite some time now - is you and your wife and kids should leave the parents and move somewhere else in the UK. Moving to another continent is not going to be the answer to your problems.
You are spending all your time dwelling on what could be or could have been, literally wasting your life away. You aren't getting any younger and your mental health could start to have an impact on your physical health.
You can stay and make the best of it, be with your wife and kids, enjoy trips to other parts of England and Europe, moving to another part of England without the parents could be a good idea (or just move to another house and don't take them with you). Spend time with the kids before they move on to University, it must be hard for them to have such an unhappy father whose dream of perfection in Canada is more important than they are.
On the other hand, if you are so set on Canada both go now, the kids are going to make their own minds up about you eventually regardless of the poison from your family. Explain to them why you feel the need to move, they can visit in the holidays - at least they are of the age where they should be able to understand some of your feelings. In a couple of years they will be going to university and probably wouldn't see much of you anyway.
Depending on your beliefs, life isn't a rehearsal. You're a big boy now and have to make adult decisions. There are lots of options available to you and good luck in whatever you decide, just don't leave it too long. You never know what is around the corner. A particularly depressing 2 weeks at work (on an intensive care unit) has really brought it home to me how lucky we are to be able to make those decisions in the first place. We have had a higher than normal number of sick young people, previously healthy with everything to live for, who have died or will be permanently disabled.
Grab the bull by the horns and make a decision, get some counselling so that we aren't still advising you what to do in 10 years time.
Jul 24th 2007 | 8:31 pm
#54
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,102
From: One foot in Calgary, one in London
Re: hi, all!
Dear Julius, I feel for you but are you about to compound a past mistake... if you weren't truly happy in Canada before, it's not going to provide the answer now. Before you take this huge step of leaving your family - which you must suspect is highly likely to break you up for good - give yourself time and space to consider other options: put the parents into nursing homes? Move to a nicer part of the country without them? Sixth form boarding school for the children so at least you and your wife can go together? Other relatives with whom the kids can stay term-time? What's your wife's POV in all this?
And by the way we can all feel like the general dogsbody sometimes - fulltime job, caring for teens, spouse and the parents is hard. But a change of scene isn't going to "cure" the unhappiness, that has to come from the inside first (I had to learn the hard way too). Please don't feel offended but take heart that so many people have taken the time to give considerable thought to your dilemma, and have dared to offer you advice. Have you considered talking to a professional counsellor or a reputable life coach?
I wish you well, and pray you reach the right decision for all concerned.
And by the way we can all feel like the general dogsbody sometimes - fulltime job, caring for teens, spouse and the parents is hard. But a change of scene isn't going to "cure" the unhappiness, that has to come from the inside first (I had to learn the hard way too). Please don't feel offended but take heart that so many people have taken the time to give considerable thought to your dilemma, and have dared to offer you advice. Have you considered talking to a professional counsellor or a reputable life coach?
I wish you well, and pray you reach the right decision for all concerned.
Jul 25th 2007 | 7:22 pm
#55
Thread Starter
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 448
From: Now in West London, but one day soon in Vancouver.....!
Re: hi, all!
a great big thank you to all of you who have taken your valuable time to suggest answers, options and solutions to our dilemma.
what more can one ask for?
it's obviously an enormous decision to make, and i think the best way is for us to talk, talk and talk it over as a family, and then come to a suitable conclusion. it is also obvious that our parents are just concerned about their own welfare only, so we need to look at the bigger picture and see how we want our lives to be.
whatever decision we do make, it will be for the betterment of all of us.
we are still not over the hill agewise, so there is ample opportunity to readjust our lives.
i also think that, with hindsight, putting this question onto a forum is not really the right thing to do, as with all due respect to all, it can get quite difficult to see the wood from the trees from the outside, and one has to be prepared to be bombarded with several suggestions, which may help or may even confuse the situation even more!
things like this are essentially matters of the heart as they say, and are best sorted out within the family really, as it is they who will be affected at the end of the day.
nevertheless, it has been a good exercise and has opened up many new ways of tackling the problem.
once again, thanks to you all!
what more can one ask for?
it's obviously an enormous decision to make, and i think the best way is for us to talk, talk and talk it over as a family, and then come to a suitable conclusion. it is also obvious that our parents are just concerned about their own welfare only, so we need to look at the bigger picture and see how we want our lives to be.
whatever decision we do make, it will be for the betterment of all of us.
we are still not over the hill agewise, so there is ample opportunity to readjust our lives.
i also think that, with hindsight, putting this question onto a forum is not really the right thing to do, as with all due respect to all, it can get quite difficult to see the wood from the trees from the outside, and one has to be prepared to be bombarded with several suggestions, which may help or may even confuse the situation even more!
things like this are essentially matters of the heart as they say, and are best sorted out within the family really, as it is they who will be affected at the end of the day.
nevertheless, it has been a good exercise and has opened up many new ways of tackling the problem.
once again, thanks to you all!
Dear Julius, I feel for you but are you about to compound a past mistake... if you weren't truly happy in Canada before, it's not going to provide the answer now. Before you take this huge step of leaving your family - which you must suspect is highly likely to break you up for good - give yourself time and space to consider other options: put the parents into nursing homes? Move to a nicer part of the country without them? Sixth form boarding school for the children so at least you and your wife can go together? Other relatives with whom the kids can stay term-time? What's your wife's POV in all this?
And by the way we can all feel like the general dogsbody sometimes - fulltime job, caring for teens, spouse and the parents is hard. But a change of scene isn't going to "cure" the unhappiness, that has to come from the inside first (I had to learn the hard way too). Please don't feel offended but take heart that so many people have taken the time to give considerable thought to your dilemma, and have dared to offer you advice. Have you considered talking to a professional counsellor or a reputable life coach?
I wish you well, and pray you reach the right decision for all concerned.
And by the way we can all feel like the general dogsbody sometimes - fulltime job, caring for teens, spouse and the parents is hard. But a change of scene isn't going to "cure" the unhappiness, that has to come from the inside first (I had to learn the hard way too). Please don't feel offended but take heart that so many people have taken the time to give considerable thought to your dilemma, and have dared to offer you advice. Have you considered talking to a professional counsellor or a reputable life coach?
I wish you well, and pray you reach the right decision for all concerned.
Jul 25th 2007 | 11:04 pm
#56
BE Forum Addict
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 4,250
From: Lethbridge AB
Re: hi, all!
Julius
My advice with parents is that they tend to be very selfish - my mom is a nightmare at the mo and making my life hell all of the time.
I happen to think that you did right putting this on the forum as sometimes you need other peoples views and opinnion to be able to rationalise yourself and it also does you good to have the odd rant and rave - we are all entitled to that one.
I agree that you have to decide as a family excluding parents what is best for you and your children and oH - and it should be your decision only - no one else has the right to be included in your decision as they wont be living your lives for you.
I have just had 12 months of solid c**p from my parents about this move and over the past 6 months whilst Phil has been in Canada she has never once offered to help me with the packing or the kids, she wont come out to see us, she has made a point when she said goodbye to my daughter in May to point out that she " would never see her grandma again" . Even this week, to sell my car have to drop it off about 25 miles away from my house in the middle of nowhere they buy it there and then so you have to make your own way home - she told me to get the bus
Yeah I do have down days and stuff about all of this but she will not control me anymore she has done that for far too long. I have days where i sit till 2am crying because I feel so lonely in the world but I have to pick myself and get on with it as there is no one to help me with it all.
The biggest worry for me is that one more negative comment out of her mouth and I will say something and she will never speak to me again - and you know what if she doesnt want the best for me as a child then she is a BAD PARENT !
The point I am trying to make is that you are doing this for the love of your life and that of your kids lives DO NOT let anyone deter you from your final dream.
Gaynor
x
My advice with parents is that they tend to be very selfish - my mom is a nightmare at the mo and making my life hell all of the time.
I happen to think that you did right putting this on the forum as sometimes you need other peoples views and opinnion to be able to rationalise yourself and it also does you good to have the odd rant and rave - we are all entitled to that one.
I agree that you have to decide as a family excluding parents what is best for you and your children and oH - and it should be your decision only - no one else has the right to be included in your decision as they wont be living your lives for you.
I have just had 12 months of solid c**p from my parents about this move and over the past 6 months whilst Phil has been in Canada she has never once offered to help me with the packing or the kids, she wont come out to see us, she has made a point when she said goodbye to my daughter in May to point out that she " would never see her grandma again" . Even this week, to sell my car have to drop it off about 25 miles away from my house in the middle of nowhere they buy it there and then so you have to make your own way home - she told me to get the bus
Yeah I do have down days and stuff about all of this but she will not control me anymore she has done that for far too long. I have days where i sit till 2am crying because I feel so lonely in the world but I have to pick myself and get on with it as there is no one to help me with it all.
The biggest worry for me is that one more negative comment out of her mouth and I will say something and she will never speak to me again - and you know what if she doesnt want the best for me as a child then she is a BAD PARENT !
The point I am trying to make is that you are doing this for the love of your life and that of your kids lives DO NOT let anyone deter you from your final dream.
Gaynor
x
Jul 26th 2007 | 12:35 am
#57
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 90
From: Hull, East Yorkshire
Re: hi, all!
Julius
My advice with parents is that they tend to be very selfish - my mom is a nightmare at the mo and making my life hell all of the time.
I happen to think that you did right putting this on the forum as sometimes you need other peoples views and opinnion to be able to rationalise yourself and it also does you good to have the odd rant and rave - we are all entitled to that one.
I agree that you have to decide as a family excluding parents what is best for you and your children and oH - and it should be your decision only - no one else has the right to be included in your decision as they wont be living your lives for you.
I have just had 12 months of solid c**p from my parents about this move and over the past 6 months whilst Phil has been in Canada she has never once offered to help me with the packing or the kids, she wont come out to see us, she has made a point when she said goodbye to my daughter in May to point out that she " would never see her grandma again" . Even this week, to sell my car have to drop it off about 25 miles away from my house in the middle of nowhere they buy it there and then so you have to make your own way home - she told me to get the bus
Yeah I do have down days and stuff about all of this but she will not control me anymore she has done that for far too long. I have days where i sit till 2am crying because I feel so lonely in the world but I have to pick myself and get on with it as there is no one to help me with it all.
The biggest worry for me is that one more negative comment out of her mouth and I will say something and she will never speak to me again - and you know what if she doesnt want the best for me as a child then she is a BAD PARENT !
The point I am trying to make is that you are doing this for the love of your life and that of your kids lives DO NOT let anyone deter you from your final dream.
Gaynor
x
My advice with parents is that they tend to be very selfish - my mom is a nightmare at the mo and making my life hell all of the time.
I happen to think that you did right putting this on the forum as sometimes you need other peoples views and opinnion to be able to rationalise yourself and it also does you good to have the odd rant and rave - we are all entitled to that one.
I agree that you have to decide as a family excluding parents what is best for you and your children and oH - and it should be your decision only - no one else has the right to be included in your decision as they wont be living your lives for you.
I have just had 12 months of solid c**p from my parents about this move and over the past 6 months whilst Phil has been in Canada she has never once offered to help me with the packing or the kids, she wont come out to see us, she has made a point when she said goodbye to my daughter in May to point out that she " would never see her grandma again" . Even this week, to sell my car have to drop it off about 25 miles away from my house in the middle of nowhere they buy it there and then so you have to make your own way home - she told me to get the bus
Yeah I do have down days and stuff about all of this but she will not control me anymore she has done that for far too long. I have days where i sit till 2am crying because I feel so lonely in the world but I have to pick myself and get on with it as there is no one to help me with it all.
The biggest worry for me is that one more negative comment out of her mouth and I will say something and she will never speak to me again - and you know what if she doesnt want the best for me as a child then she is a BAD PARENT !
The point I am trying to make is that you are doing this for the love of your life and that of your kids lives DO NOT let anyone deter you from your final dream.
Gaynor
x
Jul 26th 2007 | 3:55 am
#58
Banned
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,106
From: Beautiful BC
Re: hi, all!
Julius
My advice with parents is that they tend to be very selfish - my mom is a nightmare at the mo and making my life hell all of the time.
I happen to think that you did right putting this on the forum as sometimes you need other peoples views and opinnion to be able to rationalise yourself and it also does you good to have the odd rant and rave - we are all entitled to that one.
I agree that you have to decide as a family excluding parents what is best for you and your children and oH - and it should be your decision only - no one else has the right to be included in your decision as they wont be living your lives for you.
I have just had 12 months of solid c**p from my parents about this move and over the past 6 months whilst Phil has been in Canada she has never once offered to help me with the packing or the kids, she wont come out to see us, she has made a point when she said goodbye to my daughter in May to point out that she " would never see her grandma again" . Even this week, to sell my car have to drop it off about 25 miles away from my house in the middle of nowhere they buy it there and then so you have to make your own way home - she told me to get the bus
Yeah I do have down days and stuff about all of this but she will not control me anymore she has done that for far too long. I have days where i sit till 2am crying because I feel so lonely in the world but I have to pick myself and get on with it as there is no one to help me with it all.
The biggest worry for me is that one more negative comment out of her mouth and I will say something and she will never speak to me again - and you know what if she doesnt want the best for me as a child then she is a BAD PARENT !
The point I am trying to make is that you are doing this for the love of your life and that of your kids lives DO NOT let anyone deter you from your final dream.
Gaynor
x
My advice with parents is that they tend to be very selfish - my mom is a nightmare at the mo and making my life hell all of the time.
I happen to think that you did right putting this on the forum as sometimes you need other peoples views and opinnion to be able to rationalise yourself and it also does you good to have the odd rant and rave - we are all entitled to that one.
I agree that you have to decide as a family excluding parents what is best for you and your children and oH - and it should be your decision only - no one else has the right to be included in your decision as they wont be living your lives for you.
I have just had 12 months of solid c**p from my parents about this move and over the past 6 months whilst Phil has been in Canada she has never once offered to help me with the packing or the kids, she wont come out to see us, she has made a point when she said goodbye to my daughter in May to point out that she " would never see her grandma again" . Even this week, to sell my car have to drop it off about 25 miles away from my house in the middle of nowhere they buy it there and then so you have to make your own way home - she told me to get the bus
Yeah I do have down days and stuff about all of this but she will not control me anymore she has done that for far too long. I have days where i sit till 2am crying because I feel so lonely in the world but I have to pick myself and get on with it as there is no one to help me with it all.
The biggest worry for me is that one more negative comment out of her mouth and I will say something and she will never speak to me again - and you know what if she doesnt want the best for me as a child then she is a BAD PARENT !
The point I am trying to make is that you are doing this for the love of your life and that of your kids lives DO NOT let anyone deter you from your final dream.
Gaynor
x
Gaynor, my heart just went out to you on reading this post. I cannot imagine any mother - especially being one myself - being this way, and yet I have read some similar stories on here. My own mother, many years ago when we first planned emigrating, made it clear her heart was breaking (so mine did too) but offered nothing but encouragement, and the year after we came to Canada she got on a plane and made the horrendously long journey to see us, all on her own. And she had never travelled far from home before, and was terrified of flying. And I would support my own children if they made the same decision, though my heart would be breaking too. Your mother is hurting herself as much as you, and I guess there's nothing you can do to change how she is, so just concentrate on your own little family - it will be her loss in the end. Hopefully she will come to her senses and realise just what she is doing, and losing. The world is so small these days that even living half a world away is not the huge issue it used to be. You have to follow your own heart, and I wish you lots and lots of luck, and hugs from me.
Jul 26th 2007 | 3:51 pm
#59
Banned
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,106
From: Beautiful BC
Re: hi, all!
Gaynor, my heart just went out to you on reading this post. I cannot imagine any mother - especially being one myself - being this way, and yet I have read some similar stories on here. My own mother, many years ago when we first planned emigrating, made it clear her heart was breaking (so mine did too) but offered nothing but encouragement, and the year after we came to Canada she got on a plane and made the horrendously long journey to see us, all on her own. And she had never travelled far from home before, and was terrified of flying. And I would support my own children if they made the same decision, though my heart would be breaking too. Your mother is hurting herself as much as you, and I guess there's nothing you can do to change how she is, so just concentrate on your own little family - it will be her loss in the end. Hopefully she will come to her senses and realise just what she is doing, and losing. The world is so small these days that even living half a world away is not the huge issue it used to be. You have to follow your own heart, and I wish you lots and lots of luck, and hugs from me.
