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Depressed or just lonely?

Depressed or just lonely?

Old Sep 29th 2013, 6:44 am
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Default Depressed or just lonely?

We have been here now 3.5 months (in Kits), me, hubby & 6yr old son. Summer was great, hubby working, me & son enjoying the weather and every kids sports group we could find to help the settling in process. But now what?! Hubby working, son at school and me, a full time mum for the first time.

I am having a lot of terribly down days where I just don't know what to do with myself, there's a lot of tears and frustration anger involved.

I'm not particularly comfortable driving (driven in UK for 20 years), happy to walk & bus though. I've been scouring websites for jobs but nothing seems to work within school hours. Study for career change seems to be extortionately expensive. Fun things like dance classes only seem to run on evenings and weekends. I've offered to do volunteer work but no bites yet.

I'm finding people are generally face friendly on meeting but don't want to take things further than the school gates or the initial meeting spot. I miss my friends terribly and don't seem able to make new ones here.

What am I doing wrong? I feel like I've thrown away my life. I don't miss the UK for place and love it here for location but i'm really struggling personally. Hubby doesn't really understand as he is able to keep busy, I don't want to be the depressed grumpy one - that's not me (usually). But 3.5 mths so far feels like years.

Any suggestions? Will this pass? I'm dreading all the holidays like thanksgiving and Xmas as these just sound like lonely times right now.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 7:52 am
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

It may take a year before you get your bearings - perfectly normal for you to feel like you are at the moment; what may help is if you keep in mind what you want to achieve that isn't linked to a feeling of worth from having friends, but rather stuff that is going to make you feel productive and then hopefully everything else will follow from that. So volunteering is a good opportunity to learn a new skill for example (and if you make a friend, it is a side benefit etc) ... eventually once you have lived in an area for long enough you will make friends and maybe even a close friend ... but try and enjoy it (hard I know) for the experience at the moment and use this time to do stuff that you wouldn't have had a chance to do back in Blighty.

Hope that helps
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 8:02 am
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Have you tried Meetup? There are lots of active groups in the Vancouver area, a great way to meet interesting people, dunno how well it works for mummies but you could give it a try....
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 12:05 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Friends take a long while to make, and it's hard. I really like people, and have lots of acquaintances here but no friends, and I am lonely. The only thing is that most Canadians who are here were either born here and know the same people they went to school with, or are lonely like me as they are considered incomers. I volunteer at a women's clinic, and I also read the news on the radio, and I work but I still haven't met one woman with whom I have more than an iota in common with, other than our sex! The first few months I was really unhappy, but now I am too busy to mind.

How about the school? I met loads of really nice women through my son's school before....and they are the women I still Skype and laugh with (too late for me here now as my son is 12 and trying to disown me). Your husband will never understand...I love my husband with every breath of me being....but men never get the friend thing, they don't seem to relate in the same way (yes, it's a generalisation lads...but you must admit you seem to function differently 'that' way?). Does you husband have any workmates who are married with kids that he might invite home for a fall barbeque thing in the garden before it gets too cold?

The winter is coming, and the first winter can be scary, full of unknowns....they do get better! All of your emotions are raw and insecure from such a big move...I met a woman the other day who told me she cried solidly for her first six months here...so we aren't doing badly by comparison!

I have thought about starting my own club! Quite seriously....but I'm just not sure what other bods I'd be aiming to meet, or how I would go about defining or finding them.

Last edited by MillieF; Sep 29th 2013 at 12:09 pm.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 1:46 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

I am so worried about this situation. I have a wide social group in the UK and live and die with some of my friends, and really scared about leaving them. We're moving in January to Ontario. My plan is, school and toddler groups, going to take up running again, try and find a choir, and maybe a reading group or something. Are there any interests that you've not acted on til now that you could get involved in? The volunteering sounds like good advice, perhaps for the school?

I like talking to people and making friends but I'm worried that everybody will be so settled in their friendship groups that there will be no room for a newcomer. We'll see. Sometimes taking the initiative helps- If there is someone you click with at school, perhaps you could invite them for a coffee, or play date for the kids?

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Old Sep 29th 2013, 3:11 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

The problem is, people here only really move in their family circle and close friends that they made in school so its near impossible to make friends that are more than just superficial acquaintances. Your child will make friends as they go to school and become Canadian but that will further isolate and alienate you. I'd suggest just putting up with your own company, learn to do things like skiing and having coffee on your own or with your husband. You could try Skyping home more as you'll be inside a lot now as this grey sky and rain will last until May.

As you've been here over a month you could go to the doctor and ask for anti depressants, Valium or Xanax. It may well stop you getting worse as you go through the winter. Good luck.

Last edited by Oink; Sep 29th 2013 at 3:15 pm.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 3:47 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Thanks so much for the replies. It helps knowing that it isn't just me and that the friend thing just may or may-not happen. All very good advice from people that clearly understand and don't think I'm just moaning.

I thought (before coming) that school would be the place to volunteer but they don't seem interested in parent helpers other than via the PAC which is infrequent. My name is down for everything believe me.

I have joined the 'Vancouver Newcomers Club' which I have a couple of evening events coming up for, I've only been once which was uncomfortable at first but they were welcoming, maybe this will pull be back upright for a while.

Although tempting at many levels I don't want to go along the medication route unless I absolutely had too, when I'm on a good day I'll just talk to the hubby and tell him we have to pull through these times together. I'm actually looking forward to winter for skiing but I will still have the day times. We'll see.

I'm determined not to give up which I guess is the important thing. MillieF if you do start a club make it skype friendly and I'll join up, otherwise PM me your number and we can do it by phone!
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 3:57 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

I'd agree with most of the comments above. Two years into our life in Canada, I'm definitely not as lonely but it has taken a lot of effort and I've had to learn to enjoy my own company more! I've volunteered in both kids schools and with local charity, taken various classes, joined a gym and a book club. For many reasons, it hasn't made sense for me to work yet. Both kid are now well settled, husband from day one. It took me a year at least to begin feeling comfortable here and, despite much effort on my part, I have a handful of friends. A couple of mums at home who I can have lunch with or go out with in the evenings, we know lots of families to meet up with locally. But they do remain polite acquaintances rather than the deep friendships from back in the UK. I would count one friend, who I made through my children's school, as a the sort I could drop in on uninvited or perhaps pour my heart out too. If we were to move back to the UK tomorrow, she is the only one I would really miss and truly want to keep in touch with. I feel lucky to have made one friend like that in just 2 years.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 4:00 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Lagotoz
Thanks so much for the replies. It helps knowing that it isn't just me and that the friend thing just may or may-not happen. All very good advice from people that clearly understand and don't think I'm just moaning.

I thought (before coming) that school would be the place to volunteer but they don't seem interested in parent helpers other than via the PAC which is infrequent. My name is down for everything believe me.

I have joined the 'Vancouver Newcomers Club' which I have a couple of evening events coming up for, I've only been once which was uncomfortable at first but they were welcoming, maybe this will pull be back upright for a while.

Although tempting at many levels I don't want to go along the medication route unless I absolutely had too, when I'm on a good day I'll just talk to the hubby and tell him we have to pull through these times together. I'm actually looking forward to winter for skiing but I will still have the day times. We'll see.

I'm determined not to give up which I guess is the important thing. MillieF if you do start a club make it skype friendly and I'll join up, otherwise PM me your number and we can do it by phone!
Oink says the truth. It is generally hard to break in with the locals, you'll probably find out of province/towners and new immigrants like yourself the most open to making friends. We've lived in our city for 7, nearly 8 years and our friends are mostly refugees from Alberta or Ontario. OH still socializes a lot with his old highschool friends (he's a local too). Kits is also renowned for being a bit snobby.

IT's going to take longer than a year to make friends. You need to prepare yourself for that. You will find it near impossible to find work during school hours - (that's the holy grail of all parents) unless you work at McDonalds or something like that - at one point they were targeting stay at home mums.

You will eventually make friends, I promise. But it will take a long time. I don't have any other advice, this part is hard.

Last edited by ExKiwilass; Sep 29th 2013 at 4:03 pm.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 4:33 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Lagotoz, not wishing to hijack your thread, just hyperventilating slightly at the posts coming back. When all the posters moved initially, did you know it was going to be this hard? Are the other parts of your life so much better that they make up for the loss of friends and the hardship acquiring new ones?
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 4:37 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Yep, acquaintance but few friends. After 7 years we do have some good friends but they are hard to find. Ours are out of towners, from Toronto, and they have similar arty, museumy, literature tastes to us.

It does seem easier here for men, you see groups of them chatting around tge village. My husband is always outside talking to the neighbours, the men open up the garage doors and sit in their lawnchairs drinking beer, or their may be street hockey. The women are definiftely "Her Indoors" women. It's a man's country.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 4:41 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Tirytory
Lagotoz, not wishing to hijack your thread, just hyperventilating slightly at the posts coming back. When all the posters moved initially, did you know it was going to be this hard? Are the other parts of your life so much better that they make up for the loss of friends and the hardship acquiring new ones?
Eventually yes. One of our main reasons for moving here was so that i could work part time and paint. I now have a little studfio and have shown in some regional shows, sold a few too but not yet enough to have to pay tax on but enough do that an expensive obsession pays for itserlf.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 4:43 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Tirytory
Lagotoz, not wishing to hijack your thread, just hyperventilating slightly at the posts coming back. When all the posters moved initially, did you know it was going to be this hard? Are the other parts of your life so much better that they make up for the loss of friends and the hardship acquiring new ones?
You just have to get your head around that you won't have family and friend connections anymore and get on with doing stuff on your own. You'll find it quite liberating, in the end. Even if you manage to get a job, they don't socialize afterwork like they do in the UK.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 6:07 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Oink
You just have to get your head around that you won't have family and friend connections anymore and get on with doing stuff on your own. You'll find it quite liberating, in the end. Even if you manage to get a job, they don't socialize afterwork like they do in the UK.
Absolutely true, unless your coworkers are british or australasians.

That said, OH is in tv and they do seem to socialize a lot more - I suspect to help deal with the stress.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 6:12 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

It took a lot of moves for us to find that social neighbourhood. We started in the West End, then to east van which can be a funny, unfriendly area in certain parts, then to a new development in burnaby full of hypercompetitive parents and uptight professionals, and finally we found a neighbourhood of relatively normal, social people. It's interesting though. At kid's school there are parallel universes of parents and kids, and each universe has very little to do with the other. There's the local burnaby-bred Italians and locals, they all stick together by and large and don't really socialize with non-italians or non-locals - likewise their kids. We describe it as being 'in the bubble' as in " I can see you there outside my bubble but you're kind of like a tree". Then there's the ex-calgarians, ontarians, and out of towners like us - we socialize together in our non-burnaby local bubble.

We now have a great group of friends, but like I said it took a long time to find them.

No one is ever mean or unfriendly, but they won't let you in their bubble unless you belong. My guess is the OP is running up against that. People will assess you for a while until they figure out which bubble you belong to. But that can take a year or more.

Last edited by ExKiwilass; Sep 29th 2013 at 6:17 pm.
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