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Depressed or just lonely?

Depressed or just lonely?

Old Sep 29th 2013, 6:19 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Tirytory
Lagotoz, not wishing to hijack your thread, just hyperventilating slightly at the posts coming back. When all the posters moved initially, did you know it was going to be this hard? Are the other parts of your life so much better that they make up for the loss of friends and the hardship acquiring new ones?
Yes, now, 11 years in it has been worth it. I would not go back to NZ.

But it's taken a long time to get to this level of contentment.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 6:23 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Oink
You just have to get your head around that you won't have family and friend connections anymore and get on with doing stuff on your own. You'll find it quite liberating, in the end. Even if you manage to get a job, they don't socialize afterwork like they do in the UK.
I wouldn't exactly put it as bluntly as this, but with a slightly prettier wrapping, this is just about the case. As bats says, it's most definitely a man's world, they clap each other on the back a lot but the women are either whimpy or aggressively vociferous, and I'm neither. I read a lot, am quite passionate on certain subjects, especially international politics and the Canadians don't like debate generally as they think it's a bit rude to disagree. I do like the Canadians a lot though....they are overall a very nice bunch of decent people.

I did think that it might be a bit like that when I came, as I had visited Canada quite a lot. I do think that the positive bits ultimately make up for the negative bits - for us as a family - and I'm getting to settle down here and like it more. Oink is right in that it can be quite liberating; causes that I used to gently support in Europe, I now actively campaign for here, as everybody else is so generally apathetic if I don't do something, nothing will be done at all. It's made me closer to my husband too, because he has remembered why he left Canada in the first place, it hasn't changed, there's just a different set of positives and negatives affecting the outcome.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 6:33 pm
  #18  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by MillieF
I wouldn't exactly put it as bluntly as this, but with a slightly prettier wrapping, this is just about the case. As bats says, it's most definitely a man's world, they clap each other on the back a lot but the women are either whimpy or aggressively vociferous, and I'm neither. I read a lot, am quite passionate on certain subjects, especially international politics and the Canadians don't like debate generally as they think it's a bit rude to disagree. I do like the Canadians a lot though....they are overall a very nice bunch of decent people.

I did think that it might be a bit like that when I came, as I had visited Canada quite a lot. I do think that the positive bits ultimately make up for the negative bits - for us as a family - and I'm getting to settle down here and like it more. Oink is right in that it can be quite liberating; causes that I used to gently support in Europe, I now actively campaign for here, as everybody else is so generally apathetic if I don't do something, nothing will be done at all. It's made me closer to my husband too, because he has remembered why he left Canada in the first place, it hasn't changed, there's just a different set of positives and negatives affecting the outcome.

Booze helps.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 7:11 pm
  #19  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Oink
Booze helps.
It does but its more expensive in Canada
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 8:11 pm
  #20  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Lagotoz
Any suggestions? Will this pass? I'm dreading all the holidays like thanksgiving and Xmas as these just sound like lonely times right now.
Yes, it will pass - but as others have said, it's not likely to be by next week. Accept from the outset that this could be a year or two long project - and if someone good enters your life earlier, woo hoo!

Think about the friendships you had before, and how long it took them to build up and become those friendships that you miss right now. It took a while, huh? And when you were deeply involved with those people, how often did you let in someone new - like properly let them in? It wasn't a conscious decision to exclude people, you just probably didn't really need them in your life....

That's what you are up against a little. Probably not a deliberate act of being unfriendly - probably more an unconcious attitude of not really needing you because they already have a decent network and family. So the people more likely to "admit" you into their lives are similar newbies to the area, or those with partners from elsewhere - couples or families that understand exactly where you are coming from....

Working around school hours is tough - we all want those jobs! I did manage to work at Starbucks from 9am to 2.30pm for 8 months and that fitted perfectly at the time. Got to chat to my regulars too, who I still see around town 6 years later. No friendships there, but it was a great distraction and good opportunity to be in the "out" place.

Stick with it - we've all been there - and be assured that eventually, most of us can say something good came out of the tough times, and most of us have at least one or two of those good people in our lives.

Time, history and shared experiences grow relationships. You just don't have those yet, but you will. And your son will introduce you to lots of new families in due course...

Good luck.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 11:04 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Lagotoz
We have been here now 3.5 months (in Kits), me, hubby & 6yr old son. Summer was great, hubby working, me & son enjoying the weather and every kids sports group we could find to help the settling in process. But now what?! Hubby working, son at school and me, a full time mum for the first time.

I am having a lot of terribly down days where I just don't know what to do with myself, there's a lot of tears and frustration anger involved.

I'm not particularly comfortable driving (driven in UK for 20 years), happy to walk & bus though. I've been scouring websites for jobs but nothing seems to work within school hours. Study for career change seems to be extortionately expensive. Fun things like dance classes only seem to run on evenings and weekends. I've offered to do volunteer work but no bites yet.

I'm finding people are generally face friendly on meeting but don't want to take things further than the school gates or the initial meeting spot. I miss my friends terribly and don't seem able to make new ones here.

What am I doing wrong? I feel like I've thrown away my life. I don't miss the UK for place and love it here for location but i'm really struggling personally. Hubby doesn't really understand as he is able to keep busy, I don't want to be the depressed grumpy one - that's not me (usually). But 3.5 mths so far feels like years.

Any suggestions? Will this pass? I'm dreading all the holidays like thanksgiving and Xmas as these just sound like lonely times right now.
I really feel for you, we've been here 4mths and I had a really bad couple of weeks when I really felt the loneliness you describe, but it did pass. As others have said, what I've found so far is people are very set in their little cliques and all their socialising revolves around family events and/or sport and not just socialising for the banter/fun of it.
I joined a group on meetup and felt like such a tool the first couple of times, but have met some nice people through that. Arranging playdates for my 5 and 8yr old has been a good way to meet some mums too, but that has been on quite a superficial interaction level. At first it left me thinking that it was me, but now I know that's how it is here and I've adjusted my expectations I feel ok with it most of the time.
For me establishing a set routine here of exercise classes, helping at school, the kids after school stuff and volunteering has really helped. It was really easy here as Kelowna is desperate for volunteers, must be full of needy people compared to Kitsilano
Hope you get out of your slump soon and start to enjoy it and PM me if you ever need to vent/cry.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 11:48 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by ann m
Think about the friendships you had before, and how long it took them to build up and become those friendships that you miss right now. It took a while, huh? And when you were deeply involved with those people, how often did you let in someone new - like properly let them in?

Good luck.
Loads of good comments on this thread.

It really does take time to create friendships, you should be thinking in terms of years not months. OP if you are making comparisons to how well your UK friends, just tot up how many years you have know said friend, and then half it to get an idea of how long it will take to get to the same depth of friendship. It's not a scientific formula (obviously) but it can help you put things into perspective.

The other really important thing is to meet and do things with anyone, even if you don't like them or they're not you're type. The more you circulate, the more likely you will find someone you connect with. Also, you'll pick up the social nuances of your locale. You have to be really unexpectational and open-minded about the people you meet.
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Old Sep 29th 2013, 11:53 pm
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by ann m
Yes, it will pass - but as others have said, it's not likely to be by next week. Accept from the outset that this could be a year or two long project - and if someone good enters your life earlier, woo hoo!

Good luck.
I'll pay All of your removal bills if you decide to move to NB....please come
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Old Sep 30th 2013, 1:49 am
  #24  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Yes it can be bloody difficult in Van - and yes sometimes drugs are the answer , especially in winter!

If you are interested in the gym . . there is a friendly one at 1401 w 8th - at the junction with Hemlock - parallel with Broadway - its called GoodlLife - I teach some of the classes there ..there is a nice mix of women - all ages and ethnicities.

Even if you dont fancy the gym - we could meet for a coffee ?
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Old Sep 30th 2013, 1:54 am
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by The4BellsLondon
Yes it can be bloody difficult in Van - and yes sometimes drugs are the answer , especially in winter!

If you are interested in the gym . . there is a friendly one at 1401 w 8th - at the junction with Hemlock - parallel with Broadway - its called GoodlLife - I teach some of the classes there ..there is a nice mix of women - all ages and ethnicities.

Even if you dont fancy the gym - we could meet for a coffee ?
How can you (and Oink) say drugs are the answer? That should be a last resort for anyone. Sports and socialising is a far better alternative.
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Old Sep 30th 2013, 1:57 am
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Shard
Loads of good comments on this thread.

It really does take time to create friendships, you should be thinking in terms of years not months. OP if you are making comparisons to how well your UK friends, just tot up how many years you have know said friend, and then half it to get an idea of how long it will take to get to the same depth of friendship. It's not a scientific formula (obviously) but it can help you put things into perspective.

The other really important thing is to meet and do things with anyone, even if you don't like them or they're not you're type. The more you circulate, the more likely you will find someone you connect with. Also, you'll pick up the social nuances of your locale. You have to be really unexpectational and open-minded about the people you meet.
That's actually one of the things I like about living here, I've met all kinds of people I wouldn't generally have met back home.
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Old Sep 30th 2013, 2:01 am
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Smile Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Hi
I know exactly how you feel. I wrote a similar post called Six months earlier in the year. I will be here a year in a couple of weeks and I can say now I feel settled. Those first few months are so hard and I am glad of comments from those who took time to respond to mine (MillieF, AnnM etc).
I think we all go through the "it must be me" thoughts as people don't get involved with you as they do have their friends/family here already. I felt I tried and got nowhere with parents at the school. The only ones that took an interest were the very heavily-into-church mums (although I didn't know this initially!) and I didn't quite fit their mould! When I was invited to a playgroup where I was told the mums went upstairs and had a coffee I thought I had hit the jackpot! Unfortunately it was a Bible study hour so I felt rather uncomfortable as this wasn't anywhere near my anticipated getting together with other mums for a social!
I had the same situation where my husband liked it here and I felt lonely and fed up. Having arrived in October was also part of it as I seemed to sit at home looking out at the rain(I am on Vancouver Island). Then there was the rubbish tv to top it all off! It would send you a bit dolally!
However you do accept that things are different and the friends you will make will be a gradual process. I have started a bit of part time work this year which has helped me feel more settled. That was four months after I came here and I was very fortunate that it is as and when I can manage. I know not many people have this luxury but something will come up.
It is a huge move and I don't think it hits until you are here and have to get on with it. Leaving a group of friends behind is hard and I still see my friends at home as my friends but slowly there are one or two here that I can call friends. You just want them to come and take you under their wings when you are new and feeling removed from what you knew.
I think we need to start such a service! You don't have to move to NB (sorry Millie)...get on a ferry and come here!
Take care and I hope things do get better for you. Not everyone finds it easy and we all have been there.
Elaine
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Old Sep 30th 2013, 2:20 am
  #28  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by Shard
How can you (and Oink) say drugs are the answer? That should be a last resort for anyone. Sports and socialising is a far better alternative.
Have you been in my shoes?
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Old Sep 30th 2013, 2:26 am
  #29  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

I have found this thread really interesting....and its great to read that it seems we all feel the same. When we first started thinking about moving, I never worried about me, I am the daughter of an RAF man, so moved so much as a child, I was never in one school for longer than a year, so I have learnt to talk to anyone and generally make friends easy....we have been here 12 years and I don't have one good friend, I have lots of acquaintances, but no friends like I have back home in the UK, but my hubby and I do loads together, so I am ok with it, people just seem to not make the effort to get together anymore, they all say they want to get together, but life seems to pass by and nothing gets organized...

I did try lots of things when I came over, went walking round the estate, talking to neighbours all sitting out drinking coffee in their garages, went Line Dancing, went to needle work classes above Zehrs, joined a badminton group, Weight Watchers with a bunch of the neighbours, I have done voluntary work at the Canadian Diabetes Assoc, even did a college course on Interior Design, but nothing came from it, I did meet one friend (through the school) who I was kinda close too after a few months of being here, but she moved away.....

As for work Lagotoz, I suggest trying one of the local food places, like Subway, they are normally very flexi with hours, I was an office girl back in the UK, so when my local Subway owner asked me to work there at lunchtimes, I kinda freaked.....but ended up doing 10-2 mon-fri and having the summers off, it worked great, and I loved it...and did it for 6 years, I meet loadsa people daily coming into our store, but again, they are all very chatty and love to hear us talk, but no BIG friendships as of yet!!

Last edited by Monique_in_Canada; Sep 30th 2013 at 2:31 am.
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Old Sep 30th 2013, 2:35 am
  #30  
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Default Re: Depressed or just lonely?

Originally Posted by The4BellsLondon
Have you been in my shoes?
Have you been in the OP's ?
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