When things get to such a point in the family home that the parents feel they have no other choice but to put their child into care I dont think sending them on a wilderness program (not boot camp) is a bad option. I agree TV as usual ruins the credibility to a certain extent but it also highlights that there are options out there. Whether in care, camp or at home some kids dont make it through their problems.

I do believe that sometimes the only way to get through the barriers these kids put up is to take them away from everything that they know and think they want.

But thats me, each to their own .... but I would definately be open to try anything when everything else tried has so far failed.

To Sandra and Katsmajic

This has had me in tears all morning,your hearts must be breaking over this..I dont know what to say to yous.I deal with troubled teens but this is way beyond this.Katsmajic get her on a plane back to uk asap shes 16 now you have to think about the rest of your family and you and yours deserve some bloody peace.Sandra, you seem to be taking the right steps i wish you luck.

Hopfully in a few years time you'll have your daughters back to how they once was.
xx

To Katsmajic & Sandra, i am so sorry to hear about your problems with your daughters.... Although i cannot offer any advice (my children are both very young & i have yet to deal with teenagers) - i can only imagine what you've been through...
Having two brothers myself - neither of which were too awful to live with - i know that even petty arguments and bullying can make living with siblings a nightmare at times...so i sympathise with your other children as well as you parents...

I hope that you both manage to find a resolution that works...

Maybe one day in the future your daughters will look back in shame and realise what hell they have caused the people that love them...and will perhaps make amends by showing you all the respect you deserve. and maybe also find peace with themselves and allow themselves to be happy too...

I know a parents love is meant to be unconditional - but i think you have both been pushed to the acceptable limits of parental love....

No-one can blame a parent for situations like this....

Good luck to you all...

Lovely post and just what I wanted to say
I can't offer any advice, but wanted to wish you both all the best and I hope the problems get sorted out.
Tracey

To katmasjic,

oh my god. I don't have any children (not yet anyway, I'm 8 months pregnant).
I just wanted to say I really feel for you all in this horrific situation. I thought I was a naughty teenage girl but I was nothing compared to your daughter.
i never stayed out all night or hit my parents etc, because I was scared of consequences.

Maybe you need to follow up her behaviour with some consequences - what they might be really is up to you. I know that if I would have disappeared for days on end my parents probably would have locked me in my room. If I didnt turn up for school they would walk me inside it and watch me sit down at my desk. I don't know if any of this would help or whether you should do something entirely different but you sound like a lovely woman who doesn't deserve this kind of behaviour, I wish you the best of luck.

Louise. x

I can only say that yourself and your hubby must be very extremely strong people to have coped for this long with your daughter. It never seizes to amaze me the lengths family's will go to, to try to resolve matters.
I personally would put her back on a plane to the UK, i dont mean to sound harsh, but yourself and other family members deserve better than this, and you have tried everything in your power to help her. I just hope and pray everything turns out good for you, i really do.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

I felt like that when I saw how my sisters' children treated my sisters. I wanted my sisters to just slap them and bring them to submission. But, it's easier said than done. As parents, both mothers and fathers, stepmothers and stepfathers, you want to do the best for the children. I watched as my nieces and nephews controlled the family situation, but there was no way that I could have advised my sisters to do anything other than what they were already doing.

Parenting is a tough occupation. Parenting teenagers is the worst job in the world. We can all look back now, as adults, and say "what was I thinking of", but on the day, we thought we were cool. My heart breaks for all parents of teenagers. I've had two myself and have a third to look forward to. I can only say that, in MY experience, it will come right in the end. Unfortunately, in the case of many parents it doesn't. It comes back right down to .... you can only do your best, you shouldn't beat yourself up if you have brought them up by the guidelines (?). What else can we do? I consider myself very lucky to have come through the teenage years twice without a scratch, but I need to do it a third time now, and even though I have brought each of them up with the same guidelines/rules, I don't know if it will work this time.

IMHO, you don't have to have a degree to do this job, but... this is the MOST important job on the planet right now. These 'children/teenagers' are our future.

M

Hi , Just want to wish u guys the best of luck for the future and hope things get better very soon. It must be so very difficult for u to know what to do to hlp your daughters, but as i was once told , as a parent u can only do ur best. (and it seems youve been doing that already).
Thought id share this with u , hope it helps. When i was around the age of ur daughters things went a bit pear shaped for my family. I had always been a bit of a swat at school, always helped at home, had apart time job after school etc and would do anything poss to try and make my mum and stepdad proud of me, but it just seemed to go unnoticed to me. Then when i was almost 16 something just snapped and things went from bad to worse. And although i wasnt slackin off school and hittin people, i did start stayin out really late and drinking and basically thought i was an adult and i knew it all. To me at the time this seemed perfectly fine as everyone else my age was doing far worse. But i caused loads of upset at home and b4 i knew it i was on a downward spiral that i couldnt seem to get out of. Tbco i was really depressed at the time and despite my happy outward appearance i truely believed everyone would be happy if i didnt exist. At the time my mum n i just could not see eye to eye, and i just believed she didnt love me, and was trying to find ways to get out of her life so she could be happy with the rest of her family. Any how this just led to me being on the road to self destruction and drinking more as i was so lost and didnt know wht to do or who to trust. Then a family row after id been drinking one night and came in late culminated in my mum tellin me to leave , so i did. And this was the start of a horrid 9 months of living from one friends house to another to dingy flats and then to a hostel, where i saw things and people i never dreamed existed I ended up with no job and no standad of life and got in with the wrong kind of people. So from being a popular bright girl i had become a loser. Then i ended up in a relationship with and older guy who tried to get me on drugs, until i finally started coming to my senses. And although i went thru hell and my mum did too i had to learn the hard way. And i really dont think there would have been any other way for me to snap out of it. At that time i was so depressed and didnt understand it myself so couldnt have talked to anyone else to get help, the one time i went to docs they prescribed me with prozac at 16(which i didnt take). Half the time i was in a dream world and couldnt come bk to reality and cetainly never saw a happy future, or any at all for that matter. I dont know if a lot of it was brought on by the things that went on between my parents b4 they divorced then confusion around not seein my dad any more(as kids we blame ourselves)or what, then once my mam remarried just never felt like i belonged, i dunno. All i know now is lookin back on that time is like watchin some one else . Anyway at about 17/18 my mum n i started to build on our relationship again as i was gettin my life back on track and although for a while we didnt understand each other at all and i really truely believed she didnt love me and nothing i did would be good enuf. But time is a healer, and now i have no bad feelings to her at all about the whole time, i completely see how she was stuck between a rock and a hardplace and hope my relationship with my daughter never comes to that cos i certainly wouldnt know how to cope. Any way what i want to say to u guys really is that u have done a great job so far and it may take for the girls to be out in the big wide world on their own, sorting their problems out and growing up, for them to realise what they ve been doing to u. And i wanted to give you hope that in future there is a possibility of you and ur daughters having a good/close relationship again. As me n mum are now like best friends and she recently told me how proud of me she is for how ive turned out. Which is making tears well up as ive waited more than 10 years to have her say that to me. I do really feel for u and ur families and really hope things start looking up for u soon. All the best
Claire

Kat,
I am in total awe of you hun
You are an amazing mother who is still trying to do the right thing for her daughter despite being at the end of your tether. You make me look like an amateur!!!!
Wish I could give you a magic wand to make your daughter's behaviour return to normal.
Sending you some karma as you deserve it soooooooo much,
Big hug to you all,
Beth x x

Ditto to Sandra

Many thanks to everyone,
A was emotionally abused and suffered some violence upto the age of 6, as was her older brother til he was 7. Something i knew nothing about til the day i took my baby to hospital and they told me her legs were broken...
I thought he was a good dad and just very controlling over me...
we live and learn...

Im taking on board what every one is saying, and appreciate it.
A works on the basis that any attention is good attention - from us, schools, peers etc - when shes good she gets praise/reward but thats not a response enough - when shes bad everyone is concerned over her...and ss made our lives 10x's harder by working with us - making us overlook so much foulness and reward her for nothing - telling us despite her attacking her bro/sis and smashing things we had to take her horseriding/rugby/swimming - all things we paid for - as far as we were concerned if your that bad you lose your treat of that week - i.e. no horse riding etc..but no we have worked and worked and wasted years rewarding her bad behaviour and the ss - they quit and refuse to work with her because shes not responding - and along comes another one and makes you start all over again...
and the other kids - we argued their being emotionally harmed by whats happening - ss didnt care that there was no other money left for them - as long as a got her rewards! we could reward the other kids with time!!!

I want to send her back to the uk - but she wont get on a plane - she came in at 11 last night - loads of abuse - made herself a feast out of the lunchbox bits and left nothing for others for today - this is normal - (id hidden bits) so ive sorted koh's lunch and other kids and just had her screaming at me im an f ing whore/slut/******, have no right to call myself a mother/ etc etc in front of lil kids all beacuse i now wont give her money!
i dont respond - im not lowering myself - i darent hit her cos i wont stop!

told her to go, dont come back - dont care where she goes, am going to get back on the phone and chase up ideas...cos i know she'll turn up tonight kicking off again - cos shes not being treated fairly or shown any respect!!!

I am in a very similar situation to you, I have a 17yr old son who makes our life hell on earth.
I won't go into details, I'll be here all day and I totally understand about not being able to even get her on a plane, they get to a point where you cannot physically make them do anything and threats and attempts to punish just go in one ear and straight out of the other.
We have had so many dealings with the Police, at the last count my ds has 2 pending court cases coming up (we already have a restraining order out on him) and I got a call last night to say they would be picking him up the next time they see him and taking him in and that I need to be there too, which means another arrest probably,, graffiti this time but he's already been cautioned for that and you only get 1 caution.
I am now on anti depressants through it all and to be honest I let him lay in bed all day as the abuse I receive if I try to get him up makes me ill.
The police have said that 17 is a sticky age, they can't put him in a cell (something we've begged them to do before) and he's too young to kick out (they reckon no judge in Aus would let us put him on the street) and too old for emergency housing. I am literally hanging on by the skin of my teeth until he's 18 and if he hasn't changed then he will be out of the door.
The Police have offered counselling to him and anger management but because of his age he cannot be forced to do anything and of course he won't even try those options.

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted you to know I understand ((((hugs)))

Lorraine xx

Oh God how i feel for you.

You are suffering some really bad domestic violence from your daughter.

Tell her respect for her will come from you when she behaves in an appropriate way.

Respect however works both ways, you need to start respecting yourself too dont let the abuse go on any longer, for your and your families sake. I understand she is hurting BUT You are worth so much more than the abuse she is handing out to you, stop the guilt and blaming yourself you are not responsible for the way she reacts to situations she has to own her own behaviour. She needs professional help to deal with the stuff she has going on inside her.

Sometimes the police force domestic violence unit may be able to offer advice/support. I am sure you have tried child mental health services?
have a look at www.womensaid.org.uk they have lots of info about domestic violence it is all relevant to you and your situation About 10% of domestic violence is perpetrated by a child against their own parents. If it was a stranger in the street behaving in the way your daughter is would you put up with it?

Part of our role as a parent is to protect our children, you have other children living in the house you and your partner have a right and responsibility to protect that child and yourselves from abuse. I am not trying to make you feel bad when I say that and I know its easier said than done.
Keep Strong

[QUOTE=upandrunning;6347568]Crap
I don't know if you have given these guys a ring..
The

I know it must be incredibly hard for you but I remember being that age, had issues in my family that required family counseling...but I do remember that even though I did not want to be bad, I just couldn't help it(when rebelling



I remember my friends son saying this, and he was one little shit!!He was 16, and the police were routinely bringing him home. Turned out he had ADHD, unbelievable change when he started his meds.

I know they were lucky that this was the answer, dunnow what to say really karen, but i also think you are very brave to come on here and raise the issue, you are probably helping lots of folks by this.

gotta admit, i would be sorely tempted to do this, i dont think i could have the strength you have karen.