katsmajic

(Mods i didnt know where to put this, so please move it if its in wrong forum)

Ok, teenage daughter - i know i joke about wanting rid of her - but underneath im totally serious.
Dont judge me as you really dont know or understand what weve been through with her...
i just want some advice - please.

We had a hell of a time getting her to come - she ran away - moved out - attacked me,koh and her bro several times - we worked really hard with her key worker,school and her to make progress with her - and we got her to agree to validate and stay a couple of months to give it a try.

We all got here, and the teenagers loved it...great we thought.
5 days in they dont come home - im up all night freaking, calling police hospitals etc - and they roll in at 9am, say sorry and expect all to be hunky doory...
we then set firm guidelines of our expectations/rules etc. which is no different to the uk - but weve relaxed them a bit for them as they found it hard to follow rules before (in by 9pm school nights, 11 at weekends, no sleepouts without prior arrangement, no smoking around the house/us/lil kids, no drinking, keep room clean, washup once a week etc - nowt too hard)
The boy has followed the rules to the letter - she however has gone on a mission to destroy everything.
she doesnt come home at night, screams/shouts abuse at us, she was at school for 4 days last week - i got 3 calls home about her wagging and her foul attitude, then got called in to the principal on monday - the school want to work with her to help her settle which is good of them but thats not the problem though - shes so settled its scary.
Her attitude is shes almost 16, she has a life, she doenst give a f**k what we say we cant stop her from living her life her way. Shes smoking, drinking (nowt new there) no idea how shes funding it as we do not give her a penny/cent now...
its actually nice in our home when she doesnt come home!
last thurs night she attacked her bro for using a text on their phone (we gave them $100 each to get phones, they decided to get one together and spend the rest of the $ - thats their problem etc not ours) hes very chilled and just held her off - she waited and then launched at him and was strangling him - to the point he was almost passing out by the time koh got her off him, she then went hell for leather on koh, hes covered in bruises, he pinned her til shes stopped freaking and then she ran away.came home a couple of hours later..wouldnt talk, called koh a child abuser, me a whore and other lovely comments...she then wagged most of school fri and went awol for the weekend - despite us telling her she was grounded etc...

she rolled up 11pm on sunday, wanting feeding washing done etc...mon am hell let loose as she'd left her straighteners/hairbrush at mates and 10yr old wouldnt let her use her brush (bear in mind oldest d takes all hairbrushes out with her at weekends and leaves lil un with nothing - she had to go 2 days the weekend before without brushing her hair then i got her a new brush and told her to hide it) she smacks lil un round the head/face etc and we had a massive row - again..
mon pm she didnt come home - rolled in at 10 am yest, made her go to school - she did go after she gave me loads of abuse...ive laid down the laws til im blue in the face - get told to get f**ked, said shes gotta show some respect etc etc...she came home at 7pm, wanting feeding, told her shes grounded and to respect that and have a fresh start next monday and try to all get along...told to get f**ked again she went out (for a jog yeh right) came back at 11.45pm...this am shes kicked off again...

koh cant bear to be around her, well none of us can to be fair, shes abused him so much in the uk and coming here was ment to be a fresh start for her - we told her she can be who she wants to be as no1 here knows her history etc and she can really make a go of things...
i know teenagers can be horrid but this is off the scale...she wont go back to the uk - she loves it here!!! shes living her dream and we cant stop her...and i really dont know how we get her back..(on our planet or the uk).
none of this is new with her - weve had an awful time with her for 4yrs or so in the uk, been counselling,mental health,therapy etc, koh & i even did parenting sessions with social services just to give every avenue a try...were back to where we were in the uk - everyone walking on egg shells around her so she doesnt kick off..
school have given me a contact for social services here - but i have given up on that avenue...i dont want to go down that road again,
we are all blissfully happy here, untill she kicks off, been here 4 weeks tomorrow and shes attacked koh twice, her bro, stayed out 13nights,broken everyrule/repect issue...police have warned her & us..

koh and i discussed returning to the uk last night - we really dont want to but it may be the only way to get her back in the uk (if he leaves the country we all have to as hes the visa holder) even if its just a flying visit and not get her a flight back here, social services in the uk have a placement reserved/set up for her, as she was going into care if she hadnt come and validated, my family wont touch her and told us not to take her in the first place..

like i said advice very welcome but dont judge me please - your not living with her.

Any agents? can we have her visa suspended for 6mths/year, im hoping in my heart of hearts once shes moved away from us and lived a bit of life and realises you have to follow rules/be a human being no matter where you are in life, that she will learn from it and become a better person and understand us...

Cheetah7

I don't think any caring and compassionate person would ever judge you.

Just because she is your daughter, that does not mean you and the rest of your family have to tolerate being subject to physical and emotional abuse.

You have explored every avenue it appears and anyone who might suggest you put up with a few more beatings with this angry young woman has not walked in your shoes.

I don't know the answer but take Aussie social services up on their offer of help. She was like it in the UK and counselling/therapy didn't help.

She is like it in Australia so see what help is on offer but please do not feel guilty for not wanting to be a human punchbag in all senses of the word, any longer.

She might well be a kid, and she has the right to be a happy and well adjusted one, but you all have the right to live your lives without fear and violence and sometimes 'tough love' is the only way - as my sister has learned with her own son ( and by God has he hurt her).

goldchoccycoin

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time. Can't really offer any advice based on experience but can't you try social services here? If it's not working then you could consider a move back (temporary at least) or maybe just kicking her out. I hope your incredibly difficult situation improves soon.

chris and farideh

I really feel very sorry for you what your daughter is putting you throw, I really do feel for you, it must be very hard on the whole family in a new country.
Can I make suggestion, Koh isnt your daughter biological father, am I right to think of that.
Could she feel that she can do what she like because she's jealous of him, & feels the attention you use to give her has stopped, so to get your attention she has to behave badly.
I think from your other threads you mention how happy everything has turned out for you guys moving here, does she feel threaten that if she's good she wont get the same attention from you as she was bad.

Can you talk to her as adult not as trouble teenager, ask her what she wants to do with her life, without shouting or making threats if she doesnt do it there is trouble.
I think teenagers are sometimes like toddlers & should be treated like you would treat your toddlers.
set some rules & dont change it every time things differ, tell her if she stays out till late she cant come in as she feel like it, as the door would be locked she has to sleep outside.
2- dont give her any pocket money if she want money she has to get a part time job, like all other teenagers do in this country.
take her mobile phone away from her, in fact all the things that make her feel comfortable in her bedroom, tell her she has to earn your trust to get them back.
Ignore her, when she turns abusive just blank her out that goes for all the family, really does work.
when she does do something good tell her how please you are with her, I honestly think she's looking for attention.

hope things work out for you guys, dont give up to her, & leave the country after all the hard work you went through to get here.


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Big Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}



Farideh xx

Kooky.

As usual, I don't have any wise words. I don't even have kids but as somebody whose sister messed up the whole family for many years - mostly as a young adult, and eventually split it up - I just wanted to wish you well.

Easy for me to say I know, but my gut is that you don't go back to the UK, or she may feel she has succeeded in getting her own way and getting the family to revolve around her. It's a dangerous and destructive precedent to set (on this I do have bitter experience!).

Take all the help you can get here, any professionals available to you.

katsmajic

Thanks guys,
i know what your saying farideh, alot of it is just for attention, we have tried, believe me we have tried, she does view koh as a threat and thats why shes so vile to him - (no other man in the world would have put up with what he has over the last 4 yrs - he is fab, but too soft and takes it all to heart, he even offered to leave before in the uk to make my 'family' better, told him he is my family too and why should 3 kids suffer because of 1)
we have the typical teenager 'look at me and watch the universe going round me' attitude and that we can and have coped with, its the abuse and god forgive me but she is cast in her fathers shadow - she hasnt seen him for 8yrs but is him through and through - & no i dont tell her that, that would destroy her, she hates her looks as she looks just like him...
koh has tried everything with her - theyve had time out together, had a great time then as soon as shes home she goes loopy at him - due to the counselling we know thats her anger at herself for letting him get close and liking him, so shes vile and up go the walls..
we do adult talks, had a few here too, try to reason with her - i.e. the relaxed rules are from their negotiations - they made those rules with us...the talks work great until the NO word crops up...and rewarding her - we have/do, we take things from her but then she pinches one of the other kids things to replace it...right now, until stuff arrives, she doesnt have much to take so ive refused to do her washing, also refused to cook her tea as we never know if she'll be home for tea and im fed up with throwing food away - she wont eat it the next day cos im trying to poison her!!!
told her to get a job - hoping that will at least occupy her and give her another interest and money...we get abuse that were paid to keep her...lol child benefit in the uk didnt come close to being payment enough!

we dont want to leave, even for a week, we love it here, other kids are happy and settled, koh loves his job...
im going to try ss here, even to see if theres supported housing she could go into, like the ymca in the uk etc...

Machiavelli

I wouldn't dream of judging you. You appear to have been to Hell and back repeatedly.

I agree with what everyone else is saying to you here. I do think that it would be best to involve social services here in Australia. I think that if you don't involve them that either the school or the police will if your daughter continues to behave this way.

You, and the rest of your family need to be protected from your daughter.

If you were to return to the UK are you sure that social services there would still have the place you say is reserved for your daughter? I can't see them taking too kindly to you going back just to get her taken into care, and then leaving the country again. More importantly, is it worth the upset to the rest of your family to go back and then return to Australia?

Both of my sister's went through absolute Hell with all of their kids. I don't know what kicks this thing off in some teenagers.

My sisters' lives were totally under the control of their kids, walking on egg shells all the time, waiting for the next explosion. You've tried for 4 years, obviously nothing you've tried so far has made any difference. I think that it may be the time for the tough love that PP mentioned.

Take care,

M

GinaUK

I thought you had a permanent visa? In which case, although koh was the main applicant, now that you've all validated you can all stay in the country (even if koh leaves).

You said in the UK social services had a place for her set up going into care. Couldn't you do the same here in Oz with Oz social services?

Really sorry that you are having these problems. Wishing you luck!

Gina

Gems

Hello,
Just wanted to say I can relate to you. I have an older sister and she sounds just like your daughter.
She did everything you describe and some more, drove my mother to dispair at times. So I know where your coming from, believe me its not you and some kids just seam to be on self distruct. My parents gave her everything to keep the peace, and nothing worked.

My thoughts, if she has been like this for a couple of years she will be like this even if you move back. I wouldnt necessarily rush into moving back.

My sister didnt fit into school, maybe your daughter is the same. My thoughts are getting her a part time job so she feels more independant and grown up. Also give her a taste of a future away from school. (My sister hated school and caused no end of trouble to escape it)

Things will get better, but I reckon if she love oz. Will she not resent you more in the UK for taking her away, and be worse?

Im sorry your going through all this, and thanks for being so honest. Like I say, I watched my own sister on self distruct and its heart breaking to watch.

This is not going to be an easy problem to solve, but rushing back to the UK may not be the answer.

Gems

sel

Send her to brat camp !!!

http://www.alternativesummercamps.com/summer-camps.html

Its something that I dread happening. It could happen to anyone so I do sympathise with what you are all going through.

Gems

What about family councelling sessions. You probably tried this back in the UK, is it worth giving this a shot?

Gems

katsmajic

We wouldnt stay in the uk with her - but would have to stay for a bit to recover the financial loss...im now at point of 'we are not going back' why the hell should we, we are living our dream...
SS in uk will take her, the keyworker was fab and despaired with our daughter - unfortunately for us A is very bright and very manipulative, the keyworker had her sussed and we have in writing that they will take her into care - pick her up from the airport if nes. (as A was refusing to come initially and then was only coming for 1 week, i had provisionally signed her over to social care in case she did return through hating it here)

Thanks Gina bout that info, i wont tell her that tho...

NickyC

A friend of mine has a daughter who sounds very similar to yours. She's 22 now and put her mother through total hell since she was about 12, with seriously bad behavoural problems. Everything you've described, this girl has also done. Same domestic situation to yours too - my friend's husband was not this girls biological father either.

Don't want to teach you to suck eggs - as you've really been to hell and back - but I presume that your daughter has been checked out to ensure there's no physical cause for this?

It turns out that my friends daughter has a form of Bipolar which manifested itself in these ghastly behavour episodes. She's on some sort of drug therapy now and has calmed down enormously.

Just a thought - I really feel for you.

Kooky.

My sister is very manipulative and was eventually diagnosed with a "personality disorder" It's a very woolly term, really, but essentially it meant she wasn't mentally ill (though I beg to differ, as did her GP), couldn't be sectioned - although she had to go twice voluntarily or her kids would have been removed - and they said she would "mellow" in her forties. (Maybe she did, or maybe she just got her own way, split up my parents and is content, I'm never sure. )

How is this helping you? Not really sure, although hopefully you know you are not alone and there is absolutely no shame in looking for issues like this.

spartacus

Most of us are parents here and I'm sure its something we all dread. Nobody will judge and we all empathise.

As for what's to be done I'm afraid I have no wise words and little experience, but gut feelings say:

- Don't return to the UK; different location + same daughter = same behaviour. You've worked hard to get here.
- Damage limitation; for whatever reason, she seems determined to make those around her feel as miserable as she obviously does, which she has absolutely no right to do. Rules don't seem to be working. Revisit rules, relationships etc with family counselor. Make it know that this really is the last chance saloon, and if she doesn't buck up then, as painful as it may be, she ships out.

All the best Kats