The real cost of emigration...
Nov 17th 2003 | 8:22 am
#31
Here in Dunedin
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 1,976
From: Dunedin
I know it seems like a lot of money, but I would suggest that you let your heart lead your head on this one. It sounds like your wife is all over the place, and despite your own current emotions (which I don't wish to downplay at all), you should do exactly what your wife wants for the sake of the marriage. If this means going right back to the UK now, then so be it.
It also sounds like she is looking for magic solutions from you, maybe she should be invited to suggest what should be done. Despite what has already happened you need to both want to do whatever you are going to do next.
Finally, this should not be a case of whose fault it all is. Immigration is a very tricky thing and nobody knows what they will think of it all until they have actually done it. The lesson for all is to go in with a positive attitude but know when to cut your losses.
Cheers, good luck, and do look us up in Dunedin if you get down here and want a tour around.
It also sounds like she is looking for magic solutions from you, maybe she should be invited to suggest what should be done. Despite what has already happened you need to both want to do whatever you are going to do next.
Finally, this should not be a case of whose fault it all is. Immigration is a very tricky thing and nobody knows what they will think of it all until they have actually done it. The lesson for all is to go in with a positive attitude but know when to cut your losses.
Cheers, good luck, and do look us up in Dunedin if you get down here and want a tour around.
Nov 17th 2003 | 8:57 am
#32
Kiwified member
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,647
From: New Plymouth, NZ
Just to put my bit of amateur psychology two'pennorth in, Mr GD, but your house sounds likes an absolute boiling cauldron of emotions, repressed anger, blame, guilt, frustration and so on.
It is not doing you any favours and it is sure as hell not helping Mrs GD if she is not 100% anyway. The cat is probably suffering, too.
I think that the best thing you can do is spend a bit of time apart and that will tell you if it is all over or not - sometimes you are too close to the person you really want and love and need and they irritate the hell out of you but as soon as you go away from them, the clouds clear so to speak.
Each of you take some dosh, dump the cat on one of the kind people here who have offered to take it ( my sister is in Rotorua and would take it, I am sure) and go off seperately for a bit - no phone calls, no contact, nothing - at least it will give you some space to sort your head out.
It worked for me - I had to go to a remote island off Fiji to get away from everyone and sort out what I wanted and, funnily enough, it was what I had, pretty much ( except a ticket to NZ!)
Physician, heal thyself!
It is not doing you any favours and it is sure as hell not helping Mrs GD if she is not 100% anyway. The cat is probably suffering, too.
I think that the best thing you can do is spend a bit of time apart and that will tell you if it is all over or not - sometimes you are too close to the person you really want and love and need and they irritate the hell out of you but as soon as you go away from them, the clouds clear so to speak.
Each of you take some dosh, dump the cat on one of the kind people here who have offered to take it ( my sister is in Rotorua and would take it, I am sure) and go off seperately for a bit - no phone calls, no contact, nothing - at least it will give you some space to sort your head out.
It worked for me - I had to go to a remote island off Fiji to get away from everyone and sort out what I wanted and, funnily enough, it was what I had, pretty much ( except a ticket to NZ!)
Physician, heal thyself!
Nov 17th 2003 | 1:17 pm
#33
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 44
From: melbourne
Rich
You initially sounded like things were going well. Then when your wife couldn't get a job due to her illness, things went pear-shaped. You also mentioned that it was her who wanted to come out to NZ 'early' rather than wait for the approval to come through.
Sounds like a common theme to me. But only you are the one to judge. Is the relationship important to you anymore or do you want to stay in NZ and build on all the business contacts you've already established?
Take Care
Simon & Janet
You initially sounded like things were going well. Then when your wife couldn't get a job due to her illness, things went pear-shaped. You also mentioned that it was her who wanted to come out to NZ 'early' rather than wait for the approval to come through.
Sounds like a common theme to me. But only you are the one to judge. Is the relationship important to you anymore or do you want to stay in NZ and build on all the business contacts you've already established?
Take Care
Simon & Janet
Nov 17th 2003 | 8:16 pm
#34
Thread Starter
Life's next chapter is?
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 942
From: NW England...for now.
Originally posted by WheelsOfSteel
Listen to Wheels of Steel by Saxon, then watch Spinal Tap...
Looks like the relationship thing was on the cards anyway and had you stayed in Blighty, the outcome would be the same.
You have come to a great place to kick back and chill out for a while at least. I would like to give you some meaningfull advice but you have probably had more than you can handle of that already. Plus, heh i'm no psychologist!
Me and the missus have been stronger than ever since moving here. She went through all the crap of leaving friends and family when she moved from the US to live with me in the UK.
I think that people have a hard time of moving because they put all there eggs in one basket and sell everything. People don't leave any options open should it not work out. It's an obvious thing to say but life is in the mind. No matter how hard one tries, there will be an element of panic, over small issues that should be easy to stomach.
I firmly know that if I wake up tomorrow and felt I hated it here, we would all go somewhere else. I can't say necessarily it would be the UK, but the worlds a big place and there are lots of interesting places to go. A person just has to get that frame of mind and once they have it, thay will ride the bumps and stresses more easily.
But to get that frame of mind having sold everything and put themselves in a no way back scenario, it's hard...
I rambled on a little there and I didn't want ti to seem advice, just my simple observations...
Maybe people don't need to look very far at all to find the problems. There all in the mind...
I hear Biff Byford (Saxon) is still doing the rounds you know. Heard a track on the new C4 music tv station they have over here. Those classic lines like, "Run like the Wind", "want to ride to the top of Mexico before I die", ...
Keep your chin up...
Listen to Wheels of Steel by Saxon, then watch Spinal Tap...
Looks like the relationship thing was on the cards anyway and had you stayed in Blighty, the outcome would be the same.
You have come to a great place to kick back and chill out for a while at least. I would like to give you some meaningfull advice but you have probably had more than you can handle of that already. Plus, heh i'm no psychologist!
Me and the missus have been stronger than ever since moving here. She went through all the crap of leaving friends and family when she moved from the US to live with me in the UK.
I think that people have a hard time of moving because they put all there eggs in one basket and sell everything. People don't leave any options open should it not work out. It's an obvious thing to say but life is in the mind. No matter how hard one tries, there will be an element of panic, over small issues that should be easy to stomach.
I firmly know that if I wake up tomorrow and felt I hated it here, we would all go somewhere else. I can't say necessarily it would be the UK, but the worlds a big place and there are lots of interesting places to go. A person just has to get that frame of mind and once they have it, thay will ride the bumps and stresses more easily.
But to get that frame of mind having sold everything and put themselves in a no way back scenario, it's hard...
I rambled on a little there and I didn't want ti to seem advice, just my simple observations...
Maybe people don't need to look very far at all to find the problems. There all in the mind...
I hear Biff Byford (Saxon) is still doing the rounds you know. Heard a track on the new C4 music tv station they have over here. Those classic lines like, "Run like the Wind", "want to ride to the top of Mexico before I die", ...
Keep your chin up...
Swag Man folded when Biff ran off with Sue Walker - the wife of the man who was "Swag Man", Paul Walker....wonder if Biff knows she was an amateur porn star on the side?
I bet it was his false teeth she was attracted to...
Rich.
Nov 17th 2003 | 8:36 pm
#35
Thread Starter
Life's next chapter is?
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 942
From: NW England...for now.
Thanks to all who have offered advice. I dont know the best route at the moment as I'm mixed with emotions. I'm pretty sure that I want out of the relationship, but I cant decide that whilst everything else is going on. It concerns me that the wife won't cope mentally with all that's gone on, so I'm kinda waiting until I think she can take the news. I've asked her to go to her Dad who'll be in Oz come January, but whether she'll go for it or not, I dont know. I told her I wanted the relationship out of the equation whilst we travel a bit - at least then I'll know how I feel about her...if the trip is a nightmare, it will be easier to ditch the whole relationship then.
I am concerned for her health, but it's rooted in her mind as x-rays, scopes, tests and anything else you care to mention has shown nothing, so it's down to her inability to deal with the situation - one she forced us into with impatience. This affected both our lives to the point where we did nothing in the UK, yet she still suffered with it on occasion.....here and now it's ridiculous. If I could meet a nice Kiwi girl it would solve all the problems, but hey, I know that's not gonna happen. I am not the kind of person to just abandon someone, hence I'd feel better going back to the UK to break it, thus she'd have a support network, rather than do it here, so far from anyone. Call me soft, but it's just my nature....
If I do stay myself, I'm not sure that Wellington is for me - there's a music scene here for sure, but I've got a sour taste for it now - anyone know where a guitar repairer would be needed?
all the best, Rich.
I am concerned for her health, but it's rooted in her mind as x-rays, scopes, tests and anything else you care to mention has shown nothing, so it's down to her inability to deal with the situation - one she forced us into with impatience. This affected both our lives to the point where we did nothing in the UK, yet she still suffered with it on occasion.....here and now it's ridiculous. If I could meet a nice Kiwi girl it would solve all the problems, but hey, I know that's not gonna happen. I am not the kind of person to just abandon someone, hence I'd feel better going back to the UK to break it, thus she'd have a support network, rather than do it here, so far from anyone. Call me soft, but it's just my nature....
If I do stay myself, I'm not sure that Wellington is for me - there's a music scene here for sure, but I've got a sour taste for it now - anyone know where a guitar repairer would be needed?
all the best, Rich.
