Yup, women, you can't live with 'em, you can't live with 'em...

Sorry to hear about your probs - it must be awful for both of you.
Is it not an option that you cut your losses now - if the relationship was on the cards anyway why suffer each other for another 4 months? let her get on with her life and you get on with yours. sounds like you have lots of ideas and plans for your life in nz, why not get on with it and save yourself some dosh. If she wants to go back to uk why should you pander to her 4 month holiday - you have a life to establish if you stay and it sounds like you need the money. You can sort the cat out and send it back to her.
Hope that didnt sound too harsh...it must be a very stressful time for you too.
hope it all works out for you... for both of you..

Sue

I have to agree with Tiredwithtwins, although its hard, only you know whether its worth your while staying with her. Make a clean start now for the both of you, why draw it out, both of you are suffering. I'm sure you will both feel like laying down and dying when you actually break up, but if its going to happen anyway don't prolong the agony. You can look forward to your now life in NZ travel on your own abit and choose a place that suits YOU and she can do the same thing, go back to the UK for a fresh start. Face it, its easier to divide you money whilst its all in cash and not in property.

Sorry if that was hard, but don't prolong it, or if your going to stick with her don't keep blaming her.

Being a plumber i'll be brutal and come straight to the point!

Dump her and the cat on the first plane back, and get on with living your life!.

She's obviously been holding you back!.

ps Remember i'm just a plumber,what do i know!

Goodness, some of you are brutal.

I don't think this is probably the time to make any firm decisions, it seemed to me that Mr.GD was very concerned about his wife when she was recently admitted to hospital and clearly the illness she has must be difficult for both of them to live with.

It would seem they are both stressed and obviously we have only had a glimpse of Mr. GD's thoughts on the matter and nothing from Mrs.GD or the cat.

This forum is probably not the place for any of us to give out marriage guidance councelling. I am just so happy that my husband and I are not facing the same crisis as they are.

Emigration is stress overload as we all make so many life changes. If you are interested in measuring your stress levels take a look at these links.

http://webhome.idirect.com/~kehamilt/ipsystresst.html

http://docinthebox.com/strscalc.html

I'm off to calculate mine now...I may be some time

Sorry it's gone pear shaped for now. Not for me to offer advice, only to say we're married, emigrated, had no jobs, family, friends to come to, both had serious illness. It's stressful alright, and the sickness/hospital thingy clouds your views.

Now out the other end of the tunnel. Life's good. We said we'd give it 2 years, so here we are looking for a cat and lots of guitars need repairing.

Enjoy New Zealand.

oh dear, on the first one I scored very high stress (1640) and the second one wouldnt calculate!!!!
hope it all works out mr gd...

sue

Hi again Rich...

I've already suggested you go on a holiday and enjoy NZ in other threads you've posted, but to be honest, based on your most recent postings I'm not so sure about that anymore.

I mean, a short holiday could be great. But to be honest, a four month holiday can become stressful in itself. Touring around is fun for 6 weeks or so, but after that do you start to get quite tired - everywhere starts to look the same, you get sick of sightseeing, and if the weather turns crap, then it's not quite so much fun. Everyone's different, but that's just my experience.

I think you've highlighted one thing which is very true of migration. It doesn't change anything..... relationships and personalities and your own happiness will be exactly the same before and after emigration - only with a different backdrop. I found that out the hard way, and I'm sorry you've had to as well...

Then again, staying in one place, and not working, could do your head in as well.

I know you want to salvage the time and effort you put in - but is it feasible that (if you could sort out somewhere to put the cat), you take a short holiday, and then you both return to the UK sooner rather than later.
And then, before giving up on NZ completely and shipping everything back - decide if you want to try NZ again - the answer may be no, but perhaps after returning, and with support of friends etc, you may be able to see things more clearly. Just an idea.... would be very expensive though.

One more idea - is there any chance your wife would consider some temporary work at all (until you sort things out). Work of any kind makes a big difference in 'feeling at home'. It gets you both out of the house, meeting a few people, time apart from each other etc etc

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jirrupin
Goodness, some of you are brutal.

, it seemed to me that Mr.GD was very concerned about his wife when she was recently admitted to hospital and clearly the illness she has must be difficult for both of them to live with.



Sorry, must have missed that bit somewhere?
and if mr gd didnt want some sort of response, he posted on the wrong place.
my post was meant as a sort of 'been there, gone through that' reply. if the relationship is over, in my experience, you need to get out before you both self-destruct, because if mrs gd has health problems, the stress of living in a doomed relationship will do her no favours at all. without going into a long story, it ends in one of you doing something you both regret and the repercusions will hang like a cloud for a very long time. There is never a right time to separate, so do it when you feel it is the best time, however cruel other people may think you are being.
I have huge sympathies with both of you...it is always a very sad time when a relationship breaks down whether you are married or not (its no easier if you arent married).
I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope whatever decision you make is the best for both of you.

sue

Hi Rich,

You sort of hinted in your other posts that everything wasn't rosy with the relationship but I didn't realise that things were so bad. I can't add anything to what has already been said other than to add more sympathy.

I know a few people have suggested you split up now and get on with your lives but having been through a divorce, (because I wouldn't go to NZ with my Kiwi ex-wife), I would encourage you to do everything possible to work things out. If that involves having a period apart or going to relationship counselling then so be it but it's all too easy to get divorced these days and then you have to live with the consequences. There isn't a day goes by that I don't regret my decision, (least of all because I should have applied for PR then and wouldn't have had to go down the damm LTBV route). We gave up too easily when we went through a bad patch when at the end of the day we didn't have such a bad marriage. Fortunately it was very amicable and we are still close friends and if she wasn't pregnant with her boyfriend's child we might have got back together but too late for that now.

How long have you two been together?

All I would say is that if the relationship hasn't broken down completely and you still have feelings for each other then try to make a go of it. Try to put yourself in her shoes and consider what she is going through too. Just don't give up too easily! And one more thing - it sucks being single!

I mentioned in a previous post that you should get in touch when you're in Auckland. If I have my own place by then and a spare room you're welcome to come stay or at least park your camper van outside!

Good luck mate,
Ben

your experience sounds awful - i am so sorry to hear the way things have turned out.

PM me if you get to Nelson before January and I'll show you guys round. After that I'll be starting a new job up in the Horowhenua, but could easily take in a cat for a few months if needed.

take care and try to chill out. i agree with the earlier comments re it's probably a good idea to travel round whilst you're here but don't do it for too long or you'll get sick of it. i know this is a reflection of my tolerance levels, but after 6 weeks in a camper van i had no desire to look at any more stunning secenery etc and drove all the way up the west coast back to nelson without stopping once!

I forgot to say that you CAN take your cat back to the UK before the 6 months is up (after it's had the Rabies vaccine) You would just have to leave it in quarantine in the UK, maybe this would be an idea as your wife seems desperate to return asap?

Listen to Wheels of Steel by Saxon, then watch Spinal Tap...

Looks like the relationship thing was on the cards anyway and had you stayed in Blighty, the outcome would be the same.

You have come to a great place to kick back and chill out for a while at least. I would like to give you some meaningfull advice but you have probably had more than you can handle of that already. Plus, heh i'm no psychologist!

Me and the missus have been stronger than ever since moving here. She went through all the crap of leaving friends and family when she moved from the US to live with me in the UK.

I think that people have a hard time of moving because they put all there eggs in one basket and sell everything. People don't leave any options open should it not work out. It's an obvious thing to say but life is in the mind. No matter how hard one tries, there will be an element of panic, over small issues that should be easy to stomach.

I firmly know that if I wake up tomorrow and felt I hated it here, we would all go somewhere else. I can't say necessarily it would be the UK, but the worlds a big place and there are lots of interesting places to go. A person just has to get that frame of mind and once they have it, thay will ride the bumps and stresses more easily.

But to get that frame of mind having sold everything and put themselves in a no way back scenario, it's hard...

I rambled on a little there and I didn't want ti to seem advice, just my simple observations...

Maybe people don't need to look very far at all to find the problems. There all in the mind...

I hear Biff Byford (Saxon) is still doing the rounds you know. Heard a track on the new C4 music tv station they have over here. Those classic lines like, "Run like the Wind", "want to ride to the top of Mexico before I die", ...

Keep your chin up...

Just wanted to say sorry that thing haven't worked out . As Renth mentioned, the stresses carry on even once you are here. I found that before we came were so carried away on the rollercoaster that any little relationship things didn't fester, I used to think oh well, we'll be in oz soon, life will be great....God how stupid do I sound??

Anyway, I hope things aren't too painful and you both find hapiness soon.

Diane

What a very sad story ... if your relationship is over, wouldnt you like to stay there and your wife can return to the uk. Has she got family back in uk for help and support...

I hope whatever happens things turn out positiviely for you both , whatever you decide to do.

booboo