When he was six years old, my son asked me, “Mummy, where do I come from?” and instead of reaching for the anatomy book, I pulled out the atlas instead. I knew his question was triggered by the school’s impending international day and not by the birds or the bees. “Well Jacob,” I explained, “I’m half Italian and half English, your Daddy is English and you and your sister were born in Dubai.”

“Yes okay Mummy, but where am I from?”

My son Jacob is part of an increasing community of nomadic kids who are growing up internationally. Some child psychologists refer to such children as third-culture kids, or TCKs for short. The official definition of a TCK, also known as Trans-Culture Kid, is "an individual who, having spent a significant part of the developmental years in a culture other than the parents' culture, develops a sense of relationship to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership of any. Elements from each culture are incorporated into the life experience, but the sense of belonging is in relationship to others of similar experience."

TCKs are usually the children of diplomats, military personnel, journalists, aid workers, academics or business executives who are being raised in a culture that lies somewhere between their parents’ native one (the first culture) and that of the country where they are living (the second culture). Many TCKs live in privileged situations, with subsidized housing, travel and private schooling and this usually creates a space between them and the neighbourhood’s children. As a result, TCKs tend to integrate well with each other, but many never fully penetrate the local culture.

Unlike immigrant children, TCKs know that their parents have no intention of staying long in the host nation and are therefore aware of their transience. Most even know precisely the time remaining on their parent’s contracts and whether these will be renewed. TCKs therefore don’t put roots down in a country, but do so in people and are attracted to, and easily form relationships with, others who have a similar experience.

Forging an identity when you are growing up in such circumstances can be complicated. When you ask expat children where they are from, they usually answer with a question, or several of them. “Do you mean where I was born or where I live now? Or do you mean where my parents are from or where my passport is from?”

Experts believe that a TCK cannot become or change back into a monocultural person. Parents of TCKs can return ‘home’ to their country of origin, but the children, enhanced by having shared life in their formative years with another people, will find the characteristics of many cultures in their very being. Acceptance of this fact frees TCKs to be uniquely themselves.

A website dedicated to TCKs and their parents (www.interactionintl.org/tcks.asp) states that, despite their lack of a ‘conventional’ background, TCKs are among the most adaptable and compassionate group of people around, and that parents are critical to helping them feel grounded. So, what can parents do to help?

• Accept your TCK for who he or she is. Recognize that by your choice of career and location, you have made your child a TCK. Know that this is a good thing and that the benefits are numerous.
• Understand that your child’s culture will be a Third Culture. Both you and your TCK will be frustrated if you attempt to make your TCK as American or Italian or English or (fill in your home country) as you are.
• Accept and embrace your child’s TCK experience. Help your child appreciate his or her ‘passport culture’ but also the host culture(s).

©Dominique Lummus