Disillusioned
Jul 9th 2010, 11:40 am
#46
Not dead yet
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: In a world of my own where I know everyone
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Jul 9th 2010, 12:47 pm
#47
Rock Goddess
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Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Connecticut USA
Posts: 1,429
Jul 9th 2010, 12:52 pm
#48
Rock Goddess
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Connecticut USA
Posts: 1,429
Re: Disillusioned
Hi, RG-I do not remember your earlier post, but I know how you feel right now. it is difficult to make long-lasting, deep friendships especially when you move to a new country as an adult.
Most good friendships, I think, are made earlier on from school/uni's. For me my best friends are still in the UK, the few US friends I have tend to be through the kids, otherwise not much esle in common. We perhaps chat once in a while and rarley see each other except on school functions! Nobody invites anybody over for a cup of water, let alone for a cuppa!!
We previously lived in NJ, currently in AZ (and are moving back to NJ-yay!! will talk re-this on another post) and my 5 very close friends there, were themselves from overseas!! They had the same mentality as me, we all loved inviting each other over for tea and snacks, the hospitality was just the same as I had experienced in the UK, chatting over garden fence, borrowing cups of sugar, kids play dates, and genuine kindness ie I was never left standing at the frontdoor in the stifling 100+ degree heat at a "friend's" home!! I have probably only been inside 2 friends homes here. I think that is the way some people interact here.
It does bother me that I invite everyone over all the time and make lavish meals at a drop of a hat , yet nobody would invite us over - esp. here in AZ. Also, I notice that I could easlily become like them and I don't want to be like that- I think the Americans like the English kindness and gestures so it is best to do what you can, stay true to your values and how you have been brought up-ie invite prospective "friends" over- prepare a typical English tea and have a chat-they may enjoy it and get on your wavelength eventually. Sometimes it is better to stick with other expats for long term companionships, deep chats etc-they know how you really feel about things incl. humour, the good 'ole day stuff back home, and stick to the American "friends" for general aquaintances, but do not expect much from them, unless you feel a proper friendship coming on.
Most good friendships, I think, are made earlier on from school/uni's. For me my best friends are still in the UK, the few US friends I have tend to be through the kids, otherwise not much esle in common. We perhaps chat once in a while and rarley see each other except on school functions! Nobody invites anybody over for a cup of water, let alone for a cuppa!!
We previously lived in NJ, currently in AZ (and are moving back to NJ-yay!! will talk re-this on another post) and my 5 very close friends there, were themselves from overseas!! They had the same mentality as me, we all loved inviting each other over for tea and snacks, the hospitality was just the same as I had experienced in the UK, chatting over garden fence, borrowing cups of sugar, kids play dates, and genuine kindness ie I was never left standing at the frontdoor in the stifling 100+ degree heat at a "friend's" home!! I have probably only been inside 2 friends homes here. I think that is the way some people interact here.
It does bother me that I invite everyone over all the time and make lavish meals at a drop of a hat , yet nobody would invite us over - esp. here in AZ. Also, I notice that I could easlily become like them and I don't want to be like that- I think the Americans like the English kindness and gestures so it is best to do what you can, stay true to your values and how you have been brought up-ie invite prospective "friends" over- prepare a typical English tea and have a chat-they may enjoy it and get on your wavelength eventually. Sometimes it is better to stick with other expats for long term companionships, deep chats etc-they know how you really feel about things incl. humour, the good 'ole day stuff back home, and stick to the American "friends" for general aquaintances, but do not expect much from them, unless you feel a proper friendship coming on.
You're so right. Thanks for that, it does make me feel better. I do have one very good friend here, and our common denominator is music. I feel like I've known him for years and I adore him, so I'm grateful for that. He's quite English in many ways. I'm also fortunate to have two great neighbors across the street, who do just pop over every now and again, and we often take turns hosting bonfire nights. So, not too much to complain about I guess, I think it's more the stress of the work environment than anything else. That's where I've encountered some of the nastiness. I'm really quite sensitive and it upsets me a lot, especially when you think you're getting on quite well with someone only to discover they've stabbed you in the back multiple times. I found England to be so much more laid back, and that I could trust people more. It's been a bit of a culture shock to me over the past few years.
Jul 9th 2010, 12:53 pm
#49
Rock Goddess
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Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Connecticut USA
Posts: 1,429
Re: Disillusioned
I am so sorry to hear that. How awful. That is my worst fear. This is one of the things that is so wrong about American culture. When you dig deeper it really shows how indicative it is of the culture actually. Glad you're back somewhere civilized!
Jul 9th 2010, 12:57 pm
#50
Rock Goddess
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Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Connecticut USA
Posts: 1,429
Re: Disillusioned
Academia is VERY different here, hence I have been trying to get a job back in the States for the past couple of years (2nd place has been the best result so far). If you need any advice on studying for a higher degree (UK? US?) feel free to pop me a PM.
Glad to hear you and your partner are still together - was reading between the lines of your earlier posts and wondering, but didn't like to jump in and ask.
Gyms are the WORST places to meet people so I'm not surprised you haven't made any friends there (but keep going, it's good for your health!). If you like physical activity and want to meet people, have you thought about using MeetUp.com (or local ads) to look for a local yoga, walking, or cycling group? From my experience, those types of activities attract a more social crowd than the gym (sorry to any BE gym-members, I know there are normal people who visit the gym but really, you do get an odd bunch at a lot of these places).
Glad to hear you and your partner are still together - was reading between the lines of your earlier posts and wondering, but didn't like to jump in and ask.
Gyms are the WORST places to meet people so I'm not surprised you haven't made any friends there (but keep going, it's good for your health!). If you like physical activity and want to meet people, have you thought about using MeetUp.com (or local ads) to look for a local yoga, walking, or cycling group? From my experience, those types of activities attract a more social crowd than the gym (sorry to any BE gym-members, I know there are normal people who visit the gym but really, you do get an odd bunch at a lot of these places).
Cycling club would suit me....I did two cycle tours in the past couple of years. I was thinking about that last year actually but I'd need to invest in a road bike as I have a mountain bike right now. Good idea! You're right about gyms....everyone (including me) wears an iPod!
Good luck with your job quest! Where are you thinking of heading?
Jul 9th 2010, 12:59 pm
#51
Rock Goddess
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Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Connecticut USA
Posts: 1,429
Re: Disillusioned
Hi there
i am sorry you feel like that, however i am not sure you can put it down to the americans, i am a south african living in the UK, i have been here 7 years and at the end of the month am moving to the USA. I have felt exactly like you feel in the US, my experiences have been the same here, its just culture differences, i miss my friends back home in SA at the end of the day, the UK is your home no matter where you live it will never be home, as globe trotters these feelings are inevitable and after 7 years here i still feel the same as you. The only remedy is to return home back to where you fit in. I am also sick of everyone here in the UK asking me if i am australian! If another person says to me i love you accent i am at breaking point, for goodness sakes its only an accent, so i understand.........
sorry for your experience but the food, culture etc will never ever be home!
i am sorry you feel like that, however i am not sure you can put it down to the americans, i am a south african living in the UK, i have been here 7 years and at the end of the month am moving to the USA. I have felt exactly like you feel in the US, my experiences have been the same here, its just culture differences, i miss my friends back home in SA at the end of the day, the UK is your home no matter where you live it will never be home, as globe trotters these feelings are inevitable and after 7 years here i still feel the same as you. The only remedy is to return home back to where you fit in. I am also sick of everyone here in the UK asking me if i am australian! If another person says to me i love you accent i am at breaking point, for goodness sakes its only an accent, so i understand.........
sorry for your experience but the food, culture etc will never ever be home!
You're right about that. So much is cultural, although my experience is that South Africans integrate very well into the UK. I had a couple of South African friends back home and they had a great sense of humour, were very sociable and genuine etc. Still....home is home, right?
Jul 9th 2010, 1:57 pm
#52
Not around much..
Joined: Apr 2010
Location: San Diego CA
Posts: 1,873
Re: Disillusioned
You're right about that. So much is cultural, although my experience is that South Africans integrate very well into the UK. I had a couple of South African friends back home and they had a great sense of humour, were very sociable and genuine etc. Still....home is home, right?
You'll be ok luv....and you certainly arent alone...chin up..
Do what I do when a bit homesick...get online, tune in the Beeb radio and sit back and enjoy...
Or just put on Def Leppard or whatever floats your "rocker" boat..
Jul 9th 2010, 2:53 pm
#53
Ping-ponger
Joined: Jul 2002
Location: Dreich Alba
Posts: 12,010
Re: Disillusioned
Americans do take their studying seriously, I'll say that for them! I find academic opportunities are more open too, well as long as you have the money!'m planning on doing my MSN (Masters in Nursing) and progress to being a Nurse Practitioner. I am currently studying for the my CCRN exam (Critical Care). Not sure whether to do the bricks and mortar school or do an online degree to fit in with my work schedule. Been looking at Thomas Edison college...looks really nice.
Cycling club would suit me....I did two cycle tours in the past couple of years. I was thinking about that last year actually but I'd need to invest in a road bike as I have a mountain bike right now. Good idea! You're right about gyms....everyone (including me) wears an iPod!
Good luck with your job quest! Where are you thinking of heading?
Cycling club would suit me....I did two cycle tours in the past couple of years. I was thinking about that last year actually but I'd need to invest in a road bike as I have a mountain bike right now. Good idea! You're right about gyms....everyone (including me) wears an iPod!
Good luck with your job quest! Where are you thinking of heading?
I'm looking mainly for jobs in the SE - I'm a bit nervous about trying to begin again in a completely new area.
Re: education, a respectable online college (or distance learning at a bricks-and-mortar college) is often a great way to study for more motivated people as it gives you flexibility.
Jul 9th 2010, 4:13 pm
#55
Septic Sprout
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Shanghai
Posts: 7,993
Re: Disillusioned
RG - I must only be about half an hour north of you. If you fancy a few drinks with Mrs tonrob and I then drop me a PM.
Jul 9th 2010, 6:13 pm
#56
WTF?
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Homeostasis
Posts: 79,367
Re: Disillusioned
I took special note of where you said that you have been through some emotional (and physical) traumas over the last couple of years. I know, as I get older, I take lot longer to recover from emotional setbacks. Ultimately though I also find that I learn a lot more from them. Just give yourself more time.
I agree about people in general ... they're mostly bastards. It's hard to find people you can trust and connect with. I'm not an expat but I'm not so sure that it's entirely an expat condition.
Jul 9th 2010, 7:58 pm
#57
Just Joined
Joined: Nov 2009
Location: Colorado springs
Posts: 11
Re: Disillusioned
Hi Rockgurl, I totally sympathize with you. I have only been here in Colorado 5mins(18 months) in comparision with you and still trying to find my feet. Which does not help after loosing my job in Feb. I love where we are living but something is missing. I have made friends here but they are friends with no history..(if that makes sense). I keep intouch with my friends with history back in the uk but once out of sight they are out of mind(visa versa).
Prior to coming here we spent 10 years in Germany and life seemed simpler and it could be that I was closer to home and a shorter flight home. My wife who is USC also feels a bit lost here as she was away from the states for nearly 10 years and where we are is not her home state.
I guess its a matter of time and things will get better. I'm encouraged by other members experiences on here and have met the local BE members here in the Springs which is a bonus. As for the accent thing I forget I have an British accent until until someone reminds me here, and have lost count how many time it's assumed I'm from Australia. Having said that I have to forgive them as I was born in the southern hemisphere (Rhodesia) close -ish...but have spent 90% of life in the northern hemisphere and the south of England.
We plan to stay here for at least 5 years and maybe longer and eventually I plan to become a USC with dual nationality but I guess that all depends on how plans role out... things change. I do miss the european culture and way of life but also realise that I have to adapt and embrace this culture and way of life in order to get on and make the most of it.(Will I be eating my words in 7 years time ?)
Prior to coming here we spent 10 years in Germany and life seemed simpler and it could be that I was closer to home and a shorter flight home. My wife who is USC also feels a bit lost here as she was away from the states for nearly 10 years and where we are is not her home state.
I guess its a matter of time and things will get better. I'm encouraged by other members experiences on here and have met the local BE members here in the Springs which is a bonus. As for the accent thing I forget I have an British accent until until someone reminds me here, and have lost count how many time it's assumed I'm from Australia. Having said that I have to forgive them as I was born in the southern hemisphere (Rhodesia) close -ish...but have spent 90% of life in the northern hemisphere and the south of England.
We plan to stay here for at least 5 years and maybe longer and eventually I plan to become a USC with dual nationality but I guess that all depends on how plans role out... things change. I do miss the european culture and way of life but also realise that I have to adapt and embrace this culture and way of life in order to get on and make the most of it.(Will I be eating my words in 7 years time ?)
Jul 9th 2010, 8:35 pm
#58
I have a comma problem
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Fox Lake, IL (from Carrickfergus NI)
Posts: 49,598
Re: Disillusioned
I have few 'real' friends here, but I think had I moved to another part of the UK, rather than the US, I would probably still be in the same boat. Just about all my UK friends are friends I made in school when I was 15 or younger. I just don't connect with new people as easily now, haven't done since I left Uni. It's a personal thing I think, rather than geographical.
I know I posted something similar in another thread. How one dimensional am i??
Jul 9th 2010, 8:37 pm
#59
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 3,338
Re: Disillusioned
Very good post Rockgurl - I often wonder though, regarding the friend thing, if we are all comparing apples to oranges. Don't know about your upbringing, but I was brought up in England in a small rural community until I was 18 and of course there will never be any friends anywhere to replace those. From 18, the next 12 years were spent in the army - again, a 'place' where you make some very close friendships almost right up there with my childhood friends.
Now I live in the suburban US, I don't have that...but don't really expect to - I reckon its probably the same as in the suburban UK if you move away from your traditional home for work, as so many people do. I think a key difference is the fact that in the UK you can almost always easily "pop home" for the weekend from almost wherever you are; when you are here, you obviously can't, so the cut off effect gets to be cumulative. I am sure people from the US who grew up, say, in a small town in Georgia or somewhere similar probably have the same issues when they move off to the big smoke for a job.
Now I live in the suburban US, I don't have that...but don't really expect to - I reckon its probably the same as in the suburban UK if you move away from your traditional home for work, as so many people do. I think a key difference is the fact that in the UK you can almost always easily "pop home" for the weekend from almost wherever you are; when you are here, you obviously can't, so the cut off effect gets to be cumulative. I am sure people from the US who grew up, say, in a small town in Georgia or somewhere similar probably have the same issues when they move off to the big smoke for a job.
Jul 9th 2010, 8:42 pm
#60
Account Closed
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 51
Re: Disillusioned
I'm afraid you're now in a situation that will never offer you a satisfactory outcome, no matter what you think.
Having lived here a while, and obviously been a member of the rat race like so many more of us, you have grown a little tired of American life, and you naturally think of happier times back home, tending to forget why moving here was so attractive in the first place.
Here's my prediction - if you went back to the UK, as soon as you arranged your 200 grand mortgage and moved into your semi-detached shoe box, purchased your 15 grand Barbie car with its 0.9 litre engine, struggled through the traffic to Tesco only to listen to narrow minded people and their foul mouthed offspring telling each other and everyone around them to "F off !!" you would immediately start to feel the pull in the opposite direction.
Keep working, put up with the crap, and focus on making (and saving) lots of money and taking early retirement. You are in the better place, but ultimately if you can't convince yourself of that fact, you'll have to find out the hard way.
Having lived here a while, and obviously been a member of the rat race like so many more of us, you have grown a little tired of American life, and you naturally think of happier times back home, tending to forget why moving here was so attractive in the first place.
Here's my prediction - if you went back to the UK, as soon as you arranged your 200 grand mortgage and moved into your semi-detached shoe box, purchased your 15 grand Barbie car with its 0.9 litre engine, struggled through the traffic to Tesco only to listen to narrow minded people and their foul mouthed offspring telling each other and everyone around them to "F off !!" you would immediately start to feel the pull in the opposite direction.
Keep working, put up with the crap, and focus on making (and saving) lots of money and taking early retirement. You are in the better place, but ultimately if you can't convince yourself of that fact, you'll have to find out the hard way.