ian-mstm

It's on Abbey Road.

Ian

UkWinds5353

There is a saying in America....."You don't sh!t where you eat". Meaning...don't create problems at the place that you count on for your living. Speaking as an American, it is a very very American belief that you socialize with people from work only if you weigh the risk of potential problems, and you feel you can truly trust the person in question. Many Americans would probably enjoy starting a friendship from work, but is it worth the risk if you later have a falling out with that person and that sour relationship impacts your work environment. Best to seperate the two worlds, social and work. Also keep in mind that companies can fire an employee for very little cause.No need to add fuel to fire!

CAdreaming

Thanks - Im going to check it out!

TerryVA

I just think of myself as a "visiting anthropologist". I have little in common with my co-workers (we don't even have the same skillset) - none of them live near me (we all commute to the city, and most live in a different county to me) and lunch-time drinking is practically illegal. (Since I only get 30 minutes for lunch, it's also impossible!)

The Standard British Friendship appears to be too intense for the "indigenous population", but on the other hand, I'm repelled by the intensity of the extreme right-wing political views held by most people that I meet. (They assume that Dems=Labour, Republicans=Tory, but to me Dems=Tory, and Republicans are off the chart.)

I did have some success with a hobby-related group that had events up and down the east coast, but the physical demands got too much for my aging body. The volunteer group that I then joined proved to be more political and jingoistic than I could stand, so I had to resign my position after a few years.

So, for me, it's both the culture and people that prevented my assimilation.

Ethelred_the_Unready

Common sentiments and I agree with you. I have been advised to make friends by volunteering, but between work, commuting to / from work 5 1/2 days a week and dreading work, there's not enough left energy wise. I mean, what happened to meeting at least a couple of people at work who you can at least gel with, go out for the odd drink or two with, even if they don't become best friends?

My failure to assimilate is not due to lack of trying. The effort I initially put in ended up just getting me taken advantage of. I just can't connect with people here. There's also this blue collar / white collar thing that means it's tougher to find salt of the earth type people in office environments. The few people I have been able to strike up conversations with were mechanics, manual workers that I encountered in Massachusetts who were still as smart as the next person, but didn't have the snobbery that others had there. Bottom line, I feel like the US is more class divided than the UK, whatever anyone says, even though they no longer have a royal family or hereditary peers.

The west coast felt somewhat different, in that more people seemed able to just "be" and no one looked down on the 35 year old bartender who I met in northern CA some years ago. I've never lived in the PNW though.

I also have quite left wing views, which would even make a lot of Democrats uncomfortable. I cannot turn a blind eye to how large groups of people are perceived and treated here and the sheer ignorance of so many people regarding matters they do not understand (e.g. poverty).

It's just too competitive, too materialistic. I even found the UK to be a bit too materialistic for me at times, but it's on a whole different level here. Deep down, I think I'd be perfectly content in a benign country like Sweden or Denmark with less in the way of income disparity, cold damp weather and similar interests in sports.

UkWinds5353

Adaptability is not an easy thing to happen and often time it can be a huge adjustment.At the end of the day it is what it is.Some people just feel more comfortable being around those that share a similar cultural experience. While others are equally at home with a mix of personalities and cultures. There is no wrong answer in this instance.How do the young people say.....you get in where you fit in.

Nutmegger

Here you go, CAdreaming:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gI38vPDCoao

CAdreaming

Love this! Thank you

rallybug

In a similar vein to Yorkieabroad, when we have our first child (we're due around June 22), I will be the stay-at-home parent - granted, I will (hopefully!) still be working as I am now, remotely for my old UK employer, so I generally work 7 to 1 or 2, so not a full at-home parent with only one salary coming in, but it could be interesting.

I sent a message to a group on meetup called 'Northern Wasatch Mommies' ( name!) asking if they knew of a Dad's equivalent, and got a reply back saying that only women are allowed to join their group, and that they didn't know of a dad's version.

I have a couple of acquaintances, but it isn't necessarily easy living in a suburb of SLC when you're not LDS - I was hoping for more friends from a US-based motorcycle website that I'm on, but the locals ended up being interested in different areas (and very clique-y!). I have made a couple of acquaintances from another interest (air-cooled VWs, hence username ), but to cultivate them I'll be going alone, as Gininda isn't necessarily interested in that area (likes going camping in the VW bus, but not interested in the whole VW club thing) - I just need to get off my arse and investigate it more.

Yorkieabroad

I had a similar response from the President (ooeerrr!) of the Katy Moms club when we first arrived - "we are called a Moms Club for a reason". So I went to libraries, gymboree etc etc and gradually got a group of playdate folk together and guess what - a lot of them were ex-Katy Moms club. My wife also helped as she went to a Katy Moms Club sub-group, got her toe in the door and snuck me in after a few weeks and none of the ladies in that group minded - in fact, even though the kids are now almost 10 years older, and spread out all over the city, we still get together occasionally.

I gave up trying to meet other dads in the area, but I did join a (then) yahoo group called Athomedad_Network. It used to be quite active, organized an annual conference (I never went - seemed a bit serious!) and so on, and I know in some areas the dads formed playgroups. With the advent of Facebook, the group became less active, but its still there, so may be worth posting if you want to find someone in your area.

rallybug

A good plan that I shall try and remember closer to the day!

Bob

If you google ACCEPT, it's a federal grant funding to states to have kids play groups for free.

Bit hit or miss for all towns/counties and the quality of the groups, but our last town was great and I know neighbouring towns were great. Current town is merged with a bunch of local towns and it's okay and we've created a bit of a dads group as one of the sessions, which is definitely a very different vibe to the mummy groups.

Anyway, the friend thing. Has any one moved states and found it very different between them? I found it much easier making friends when we lived up in Maine than down here in MA, but there are more groups and things to do around where I am, but it's very hard to crack into an already established group, especially as we're renters.

Ethelred_the_Unready

You may not like hearing this, but I lived in MA for almost a year and couldn't break the ice, plus I encountered a lot of snobbery. I moved there thinking it'd be more like England, but it wasn't at all, culturally. Even the reservedness is very different and more "selective", if that makes sense? I also recall much disdain for the building I was renting in from established homeowners. MA is a beautiful state, but I would never live there again. Maybe Maine or NH would be better options.

dlake02

On the outside, yes. Once you try to break in - no-way. They are just as cliquey, obsessed with money and work as every one else....

There are the odd (and I mean ODD) beach-bums out there that are just at one with nature, man, but if you lift-the-lid on Silicon Valley, you will see staff that are living the American Dream - that is keeping themselves within their narrow cultural zone and working 24/7 because they are just sh*t scared of being sent back form whence they came/not being able to afford the rent or mortgage/loosing health "benefits" (that should be rights).

Nicest bloke I ever knew was a Baronet. I didn't even know he was one until I read his obit !!!! Salt-of-the-earth type, slightly left of me politically....

And YES I've been trying to work this one out since we've been here. The US is far more class and status-divided that the UK (which itself is more class and status divided than most of Europe, although even places like France have a social pecking order once you scratch the surface).

What I really, really, really don't like about the status system here is that it is based on money. Everything is related to the nasty stuff - from schooling to healthcare. People rudely and arrogantly talk about money without considering whether they may be upsetting someone else's feelings. I have taken to asking people not to talk about money as I find it distasteful. The looks I get....

Connected with that is the way that people wear their badges of education as if it infers some "right" for them to be superior to you because they can afford it. Public education, especially in the Valley, is sneered at by some even though we have found the teachers and the education level to be just-as-good if not better than the UK. I have sat in business meetings with people that would be called total idiots in the UK to their face but they proudly state their qualifications as they introduce themselves expecting to be revered as demigods. And they are....

Everything about you - your car, your education, your Visa, your house/apartment/letting/owning status, your mobile phone - is used to judge and place you in a relative position with your "peers." Totally superficial and childish.

But my biggest issue is the arrogance and self-righteousness that seems ingrained in US culture - the belief that they are RIGHT and everyone else is WRONG. I have no problem with people being proud of their country, or of feeling allegiance to their fellow human beings (that is basic socialism...) and the Americans do that in spades. But what I do have an issue with is the inability to question accepted norms and practises in the way that I think Europeans do without it being seen as some form of high-treason. Not that people don't complain here - I hear them moan in private about the roads, the healthcare, the schools, etc, etc. But in public ? Never - the US is king.

I hate the way that religion is used as a manner of asserting their righteousness as well - Europe is secular now for a good reason, and most people are happy that individuals can carry-on their own beliefs in private. Here, it is in-your-face to the point where even in liberal, wacky-backy California, there is a college in the middle of Silicon Valley with 10,000 students enrolled that teaches "creationism" as part of it's Science class. Outrageous. (BTW, I know the Principal - well, we lived next door to him until I told him I was an atheist at which point he looked like he had just stepped in something nasty....)

I put a lot of this down to insecurity of youth (of country), the relatively recent internecine history in the US and a hard-line right-wing under-belly that believe they should be allowed to do what they want and f the rest of them. Unfortunately, being white, middle-aged, male it is automatically assumed that I fit that group whereas I would quite gladly float them all off to an island in the Pacific....

So, to the original point "Difficult to make friends in America?" - virtually impossible. Because once you understand what a judgmental society this is, you are always thinking "what is it you REALLY want from this relationship ?"

CAdreaming

I belong to an American fund raising group of women who have British ancestry - Daughters of the British Empire
The name is what it is - the fact is is that it is a wonderful way to meet friends- the ladies in my group have been so very welcoming - we meet the 2nd sat of every month
Essentially it is a fundraising group - we hold teas and have bake sales (ok I dont bake at all but do go along to sell)
The majority of my local group have been in the US over 20 years - some 40 years but still find it great to meet with expats - even tho their lives are here and are grandmothers!
It's fun, raise money and they are in practically every city. PM me for more info and I can send you a link or you can just google them