Colorado Ski Girl

I guess that there are gradients of beautiful. Would you rather I call you a nasty mean old fart? I see no reason to do that. Weren't you just being honest in your posrts? That is a honorable quality.

Colorado Ski Girl

And I'm sorry that you think that I am being fake. Why should I be mean to you rather than be nice? I would rather see the good in people than the ugly. I'd be the first one to tell you that you had something green between your teeth but I'd also be the one to tell you how great you did at something that you tried so hard to do correctly. That's not being fake.

Ethelred_the_Unready

Actually, yes (except for the old part). You have to understand, it's alien to a lot of British people, including myself (and I've been here since 2003). We value true friendships, but are suspicious of off the wall compliments. It can even make us uncomfortable. Have you been to the UK before, or are you married to a Brit?

dlake02

Kind-of. I have a "global" role so I travel quite a bit, and it's just been agreed that I can transfer my job back to the UK or another country when I want to (at my expense).

It has never been our plan to live here (or in fact anywhere !) permanently. We love travel. We like the experiences, good or bad - it is all character building.

Please don't get me wrong - there are some things I really like here. SF Opera, SF Symphony, The Retrodome, the Cal Academy of Sciences, Half-Moon Bay (especially Barbara's Fish Shack), Pismo and Avila Beaches, Mount Hamilton Observatory, Elementary and Middle schooling (but NOT High-school - far too sports orientated), San Jose Earthquakes, AYSO Soccer, most aspects of Boy Scouts (although it needs to be secular and not homophobic).

So, just as we miss a good bowl of Moules Frites in the Vendee for E7.50, I know there are things we will miss here as well.

But we miss the people in other countries as well as the "stuff" and I can, after two years, honestly tell you that there are no people that we will miss here. I REALLY wish there were ! That's all....

Sally Redux

If I believed everything I've heard since I came here I'd wonder why I don't have a Hollywood contract by now! I'm so funny, have so much 'heart', they love me...until they see the next shiny object

Ethelred_the_Unready

I didn't say *you* were being fake, but you don't know me. I could be a total douchebag for all you know. I appreciate your niceness, but I am trying to point out a major cultural difference, as have others. You are applying American rules to a foreign race. Fake is a strong word, but I grew up in a part of the UK where people are generally no-nonsense, where the notion of showering a stranger with compliments will come across as weird and over the top.

Colorado Ski Girl

Actually, yes, many times. My granddad was from Harrow, in fact. I understand what you are saying. I can see how just walking up to someone at the grocery store could be alien to someone from another culture. This is how true friendships start for us. You guys want to find long-lasting friendships with us and we want the same with you. We just have to realize that we as two different people from different cultures are just that - different. We should respect that seperate and cultural need for connection and find a way to accomplish it. Americans are generally friendly and want to get to know you, but we achieve it in the only way that we know how - to just coe up to you and talk to you. That, to us, is the best way to say 'Hello - I'd like to get to know you better'. It isn't perfect, but it's all that we know. When you see American movies and the girl just walks up to the guy at the grocery store checkout line and starts a conversation, it's true to life. We like to chat as a way to get to interact with each other.

So I am curious - what would I need to do to get to know you better? How do you make friends if you don't talk to someone directly? I'm being serious here.

dlake02

VERY alien. In fact, if someone complimented me my initial thought would be "ay, ay - what do THEY want."

If someone called me a "silly old fart," and smiled, that's fine. That is a compliment. We very, very, very rarely give compliments.

The old joke about school reports still holds - the best you could probably hope for on an English school report is "B- Could Try Harder." I would take that as a very good grade !!!!

CAdreaming

I agree - I got on the tube and stuck my nose in a book, even if I wasnt reading I pretended to.
I was comfortable - I knew my way around, I had my own social circle, I knew what what what without thinking about it.
Here in the US Ive had to make much more effort - it hasnt been easy or plain sailing and i have felt homesick and lonely but i have pushed myself and i have thankfully made wonderful friends -both American and expats. I really do strike up conversations everywhere. I love the UK and im on my way to loving America

Colorado Ski Girl

But it isn't weird here in the US. I'm not showering you with false compliments. I'm pointing out what I saw was an obviously honest answer, which is all I'd really wanted from anyone. And I still believe that you are a nice person. You sound like you've had a bad or rough experience here and that you miss your UK home.

Ethelred_the_Unready

Agree 100%. It doesn't bother me though. Initially I would get carried away by it and think that "wow, people actually like me" and "wow, Americans are so much nicer than British people" until I realised that it was just the culture here and that I should not get carried away with it. Lasting friendships are what matter to me. I can't seem to find them here and the initial niceness just seems to slide now into irrelevance. I give Colorado Girl props though for not being confrontational or critical of the UK.

dlake02

So, given that the US IS a big country and there are areas with a train-commuter culture (like the NE around New York), what happens here ?

Colorado Ski Girl

You're funny! B-Could try harder. That sounds like my dad from years back. He always said to my sister, "Why didn't you get an A?".
I am understanding you much better. Compliments seem to be hard to come by to and from you and you don't trust us when we give them without knowing you exceedingly well. I can see why you'd not trust this. You do have to remember that we aren't saying this to lull you into a false sense of security and then, WHAM! We take advantage of you somehow. That isn't how most of us think. We give compliments freely because this is how we are feeling. As I've said before, I like to see the good in people, so I will stay clear of attacking someone. I'll be honest and let you know that 'Hey, that wasn't very nice'. But what's the point in being mean and rude? You only lose friends and make enemies that way. Americans are typically more interested in you than you know, even if our limited knowledge of your culture is based on the latest James Bond movie.

Sally Redux

32 years after we left school, an English friend recently mentioned that I was clever. I felt very taken aback, as it seemed strange for her to compliment me - I think it was the first time ever

Colorado Ski Girl

Lasting friendship matters to us, too. Niceness isn't irrelevant to us. It is our way of saying "Hey - I like you". And yes, people from the UK are lovely people.