Yorkieabroad

I just had a glance through last years school directory. Not very scientific, but I reckon close to 70% of my 3 kids classmates were from overseas. Of the balance, I could only identify about 10% Texans - the rest were from out of state. The 70% is pretty solid, the 10% split is more questionable as harder to say for definite.

If thats representative of our area in general, it maybe explains why a) I don't know many Texans, and b) why we have so many more friends from overseas.

Bob

Amusingly enough, the friends who offered help weren't local, they were also some none Brit expats, but been here for ages.

I thought I had a good circle of friends, but really, after people moved jobs, or got their own houses, or for whatever reason, there's only a couple of friends that I've made that I'd rely on if I needed and neither of them are in the state any more and then just another couple of friends.

Ethelred_the_Unready

Your situation sounds a lot like that of my old acquaintance. He was a really nice guy, great dad (both American). His wife was an attorney so they made the decision that he would stay home with their 3 kids, while she went out to work. I saw nothing weird about it, only good that their boys would grow up with dad home. Others were more critical, just like the examples you gave. Even my own ex-wife would remark "I find it weird, but that's just me".

To me, it's not weird. In my early childhood, my dad was home while my mum worked and no one had a problem with it. The same was true for an old friend I grew up with in the UK. I feel that if one parent can stay home, the kids will benefit, whether it's mum or dad.

It goes back to how traditional gender roles are still so ingrained in American society, whether in the case of men who stay home and raise the kids, men who have lunch with another man or men who may prefer non-action type films and don't find pleasure in solely doing "man stuff". I used to socialise with both men and women friends & acquaintances.

Why is this? I think boys are pressured much more from an early age to not show emotion, to not cry and to "man up". Also, the US boomed during the 50's, when most women could afford to be just housewives. In the UK and Europe, we were still recovering from being ravaged by WW2, so I am guessing (because I wasn't around back then) that many women HAD to work and were forced to be independent whether they wanted to or not. The US & UK have simply evolved very differently post WW2 especially, despite our common popular culture and language.

Ethelred_the_Unready

Before I go back to lunch, I'd just like to say that I'm noticing a common theme here among British expats living in the US:

"People are generally nice enough here, acquaintances are relatively easy to come by, but it's much more difficult to forge true friendships, people you can count on in a crisis"

Why is this?

One theory I have is that as the UK is much older, we are much more accustomed to "community spirit" and helping one another out. Perhaps this is also due to the fact that the UK is much more crowded and we are forced to live in much closer proximity to one another? Or is it also because we have gone through so much more hardship since the dawn of time, with wars fought on our doorstep? Is it that our lives are generally less stressful than the average American, working fewer hours? That alone would allow more time to "think of others". Could it also be the great mantra of rugged individualism in America?

Could it also be that the world in general has changed, partially because of technology? Would I go back to the UK and find it pretty much the same there too?

Just putting some stuff out there as this is an intersting discussion.

kimilseung

College sports teams are more or less promotional material for the college, it is just to increase the revenue, the whole alumni culture is just self aggrandizement for the college. Mind you I am not a great fan of the whole graduation culture either as it seems more about getting respectability for the institution rather than for the individual. Traditionally I find that soccer was more of a local cultural cornerstone that although the local millionaire who bought a club did it for themselves, it was always in the guise of a community resource; like the Moores family in Liverpool. I suppose in truth there is not that much different between either side of the Atlantic on this, and it is juts the cultural assumptions that you bring with you that make a difference.

Soccer has made a big difference to me. MLS has helped me to feel part of the community. MLS average for 2012 is 19,000 (Wolves got 22,000 last season) so not too shabby. My local MLS team is averaging 43,000 this season, so no shortage of people to chat to about soccer.
We had a great camaraderie around us when we had season tickets.

Bob

Now that you mention it. Probably doesn't help me much either

Though even the missus hasn't really made the kind of friends here she made at college, but even then, she's only really in close contact to a couple of them these days.

Bob

You'll get a different answer depending on the age range and the answer would probably be true for either side of the pond.

Most coming here not as students though probably do need to put more effort in than back in the UK, probably because as mentioned before, the pub culture and shorter commutes. Nip to the pub for lunch or after work for a pint and not talk work and not think anything of it. Here, it seems if that even happened, talk still stems around work or sport that you might not be familiar with. Though most people just prefer to bugger off home because of the commute.

CAdreaming

I've never come across this before - but it's a good mantra to live by!

AmerLisa

While I think not allowing your wife to come to a playgroup because a dad was going is really ott, I guess you kind of upset the apple cart in how things play in good ole Texas. Maybe a more liberal, less conservative area (maybe the pnw, who knows) where it would be less tightarsed might be easier....

I think change is big for anyone. Usually mothers are the ones that stay home, everywhere. So, trying to fit into a group where there are only women, for example, is going to be hard going. But, I think it's great your volunteering at school. There's one guy who works at the school (he's a para, yard duty, crossing guard) anyway, his son goes to the school and his wife works full time. He's always been accepted as far as I know and the kids really flock to him. I've seen him at restaurant nights (for the school) and he's like a celebrity with the kids. It's good to see.

Bluegrass Lass

One reason not mentioned about lack of social interaction with work colleagues outside of work is because many Americans are taught to keep your work life separate from your home life (I say this from the 'insider' US knowledge). I think the mentality is that you are at work to get ahead and make a career/name for yourself, not to make friends with people you may throw under the bus in order to get ahead. It's sad, but true.

aesphete

Been in San Francisco for nearly a year now (good grief, how did that creep up?!) and I've not made a single friend through work. I think that's partly down to me though and a genuine disparity in interests. Whilst a lot of my colleagues want to meet up after work and do programming (I'm a software engineer) on personal projects/side projects at work for fun, I'd much rather not spend any more time thinking about work. The few times I've been along to organised work drinks, the talk has been pretty much solidly technology/work related...I'm very much of the mindset that I work to live, which seems alien to a lot of them (not that I'm criticising - different strokes for different folks and all that).

I did however start volunteering a local museum and my girlfriend and I have made friends with a couple there - it's amazing how much easier it is to talk to people when you have something in common with them that you care about! I'd still like to know a few more people though, but I'm hopeful that I'll have more friends in time.

Someone else posted it, but this really helped when I first came over:

http://britishexpats.com/wiki/Making_Friends_in_America

It rationalised a lot of the feelings of being a fish out of water for me and the 'get out of the house' advice, whilst obvious, was very important. There were a few dark days early on when all I had was my girlfriend and family 1.5 hours away where I thought I wouldn't get to know anyone else due to the work situation, but then it dawned on me that I was being silly to put all my eggs in one basket with making friends at work - I've never been the sort to make work the centre of my life, so why rely on it for friendship?

Whew, sorry for this rambling post - off work sick today and my brain's not functioning too well! The long and short of it is - don't give up, get some hobbies, don't worry about making friends through your job!

Sally Redux

Maybe proximity...maybe because we have a welfare system/more rights and you don't have to be so backstabbing...I don't know that we've had it harder...maybe the original pioneers (often religious nutters) cultivated more of a strongly individualistic ethos. Just some wild guesses.

I actually like to 'keep myself to myself' but I certainly wouldn't want to live in those guard-gated morgues they have here - keeping away from the riff-raff seems to be obsessive in some areas.

Yorkieabroad

Yeah, Texas probably wasn't the easiest choice, although as I said earlier, there don't seem to be many Texans here! I've done it in Singapore (lots of Dads in the same position so no problem there) and Yorkshire as well in 2005 (surprising number of Dads there too), but Texas has been by far the hardest. I love working at the school, and the kids seem to enjoy it too. I'm a cub leader, and soccer coach too, so regularly get approached by kids to say hi, and then I look round to see a suspicious looking parent clearly wondering what is going on. Once I explain how I know them, its all good. The school does this WatchDogs program (think its nationwide) where they have 2 dads come in to spend the day in school, partly working, partly following their kids. The kids love it, and most of the dads do too, and the Watchdog for the days is, like you say, a celebrity. And my benefit is since they started that, a lot more of the dads know me, so maybe I'm less of a "threat"

IPM

Two and a half years in and I'd say we have a great group of friends; 75% of which are American. The experience of other posters differs to mine; we regularly wander over to various neighbours for a coffee/light ale with no fixed agenda and vice-versa.

In good weather, we'd host informal BBQs in our yard and invite folks and vice-versa..not too serious, children play on the trampoline, everyone mixes and talks about a whole range of topics (kids, sport, politics, general fat-chewing)

I can empathize with some comments about 'conformity'..the one area which we still find hilarious is the Christmas card featuring the immaculate family perfectly attired in plaid Ralph Lauren knitwear or similar.

Generally, I've found that Americans in DC often have an international outlook and mix very easily; that, combined with the fact that many people here are on a rotation and are working hard to make friends.

scrubbedexpat027

Same job, same issue