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Re-location advice required

Re-location advice required

Old May 10th 2007, 11:37 pm
  #16  
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Thumbs up Re: Re-location advice required

Originally Posted by Carol&John
Hi Mitzyboy,

This is a difficult topic: "values".

Is it a value that the daughter/spinster in the household must take on the role of the carer, and put on the back burner any hopes/ambitions? This could be a 30 year spell. Some brothers are more compassionate than others.

The UK's care home system might be mocked/derided by people who would quickly say, "oh that would never be allowed in such and such a country", yet be the last to notice that old Carolina hasn't made an appearance lately.

Does it help when the "elderly person" plans for the future and thinks they have provided enough money to have someone else care for their needs? Are they still being cherished by society?

Enough, I know, I'm going off topic, and I apologise. This will be my last post. It does make me think how well I would cope when (Ojala!) I become "elderly".

Please spare a thought for the elderly around you today.

Adios,
Carol
Hi all! Mitzyboy I agree that values are different today. I think the change is largely due to the fact that due to high house prices and living costs in the UK today, that many couples could not purchase a home on one income. That means that the tradition of (usually, but not always) the daughter assuming the role of sole carer has diminished. I worked for meals on wheels for six years until I left to move to Wales in 1988, and saw many elderly people either deserted or abandoned by their family. Partly because their family were working, and partly because the State did assume resposibility, the families didn't have to.
I understand that in Spain there is no after care support when a patient leaves hospital. (eg. no district nurses etc.)
I believe that is a major contributory factor in them retaining their community values and caring for others. Ultimately it comes down to the individual's morals and circumstances, ability and support.
When my husband, children and myself moved from London to Wales, I assured my Mum that I would get her a place near us as soon as one became available. I even wrote the letters before we moved, and posted them upon arrival in Wales. Unfortunately, this took two years after having written to 33 housing associations! Only three replied, one, only added people of Welsh origen to their waiting lists which is fair enough. That meant that Mum's name was only added to two waiting lists. I tried looking at private rental just to get her down here with us, but we live in a University town and property was either too expensive, or unsuitable.
Mum came to look at one sheltered flat but it was SO small and right in the middle of the city on a busy road. As she had cattaracts at the time, this was unacteptable. She stayed with us for a few weeks before returning to London. She phoned me the next day and said that she had received a letter which awaiting her upon her return, advising of another vacancy on a small complex near us, and which is the one she really liked. I said I would come and pick her up, but she started to get flustered. I told her not to worry, I would call her again in the morning. Both our children were off school the next day for some reason or other, so I told my daughter that my son and I would leave at 7 am to go to pick Nan up, and for her to call her about 9am to let her know we were on our way. That way she only had 2 hours to get flustered, not all night! When we arrived, Mum asked me what the flat was like. I was a bit reluctant to commit as she had been so disappointed with the previous one. I said I could't see any reason why she would not like it, and asked IF she did, was there any reason why she had to return. She couldn't think of anything, so we packed up a quite a few things in the car and drove back.
I took Mum the next day and she fell in love with it immediately. SORTED! My husband and his cousin did the removal and Mum had 12 happy years there, and another 5 at the nursing home (after a second hip replacement operation had to be redone, from when she was then wheelchair bound.)
We had a lot of family in Wales, who also used to visit Mum, and she used to come to us for the day whenever possible, but always at Christmas, Mother's day and her birthday. I have nothing but the GREATEST praise for the nursing home Mum was in. I made a lot of enquiries and visited several homes before choosing the home for Mum. The Doctors said she would no longer be able to look after herself at home as her mind was at that time affected (I think by the second anesthaetic she had when her hip dislocated a few days after surgery). I kept her flat on for a few months in the hope she would improve, but this unfortunately did not happen.
Mum used to think she was staying in a hotel on holiday when she first went there but eventually accepted it as her home.
There was a dramatic improvement in her after she moved into the home. She was calm, relaxed and very happy. The leg ulcers she had for years, (despite being attended twice a week by a district nurse) were tended by the home and within weeks were completely healed! I think looking back, that she felt safe, she didn't have to worry about ANTHING. Not arranging her shopping, or cooking, payning her bills, medical treatment (she was TERRIFIED of her Doctors receptionist. She didn't like to "bother" me and would be in tears at the thought of having to call for medical treatment! So much so, that I reported them to the local Health Authority! Trust me, that works!). I think in short, she wasn't alone all day, and if she wasn't well she didn't have to ask for help as they would notice and call the Doctor if they were at all concerned.
It does seem a strange thing to say, but by I suppose technically taking Mum's freedom away, it gave her the freedom just to "be" and to be able to do her own thing without having to worry about anything, and she was then able to "enjoy" her life.
The fact that she was in the home for 5 years from age 93 to 98 is a credit to them but also to Mum's tenacity, resilience, fortitude and love of life. I had an exceptional relationship with my Mum and admired her more than words could ever express. Mum knew I adored her as she did me. She was loved by all the family, and the family was her life.
I for one, am eternally grateful that there are such wonderful nursing homes, as I would not have been able to care for mum myself due to serious back injury sustained as a result of a whiplash injury. I have several compressed discs, and one has been removed and have restricted movements and lifting capabilities.
The original question of values is certainly a difficult one. It begs one to raise several questions. Does lack of personal resposibility ( ie direct family) make it necessary for the need of community involvement? (ie friends and neighbours)
What would happen if community can't or wont assist. State assistance.
The big question is, does the intervention of State assistance increase or reduce the existence of personal or community assitance? Is the natural progression then not global assistance? When the chain of responsibility is broken, the next in line takes over. Could the initial break in the chain be because of smaller families nowadays? Is it because people have to work longer hours? Is it because people want, or have to move for employment, or are we becoming more selfish? I suspect there are many more possibilities.
I have been thinking of the appauling conditions some of the Spanish properties are in, which have been until recently lived in by presumably now deceased relatives. I wonder how much if any personal or community assistance they had recieved. Ho hum! I suppose any support that works is beneficial regardless of who administers it, and equally no matter where you are, if it fails unnoticed, really, we have all failed! Perhaps they should introduce compulsory diligence classes in schools, and make the rest of us attend as well!
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Old May 11th 2007, 10:16 am
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

Originally Posted by Linken1647
After almost 2 years of deliberation, we finally got around to getting the house valued last week. It was a nice surprise to be told it was worth more than we thought it was!

Big decision now.
My husband's kids do not mind us going. They just want what is right for their dad but my mum and my brothers are sending me on a guilt trip!

I really want to live in the sun and work fewer hours but am being made to feel that I am letting my immediate family down if I go, but am letting my husband down if I say that we don't go.

Dad is almost 80. Mum is almost 70. Dad had a stroke when he was 64 and has been unable to walk or talk since then. He never got to enjoy retirement.

HELP................words of advice required please!
Go ahead your only a couple of hours away by plane so just visit ,, no problems you must lead your own life ..
Flights are cheap so if needed spend less on booze fancy foods cigs etc for a week and use that money
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Old May 11th 2007, 10:59 am
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

Hi linken, it is a really difficult decision to make but you have already said what you want to do ' I really want to live in the sun and work fewer hours ' I am in the same situation and my house is up for sale, I have to give it a go. The old cliches life is not a dress rehearsal etc. Make the right decision for yourself.
Good Luck and best wishes whatever you decide
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Old May 13th 2007, 5:36 am
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Red face Re: Re-location advice required

Many thanks for all of your replies this week. After lengthy family talks and a lot of soul-searching, we finally instructed an estate agent today to put our house on the market.
I am sure that it won't be the end of a few more tears and "God.........have we done the right thing?" but unless we try, we will never know.
We are hoping to live in Adra, approx an hours drive from Almeria.
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Old May 13th 2007, 5:48 am
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

Originally Posted by Linken1647
Many thanks for all of your replies this week. After lengthy family talks and a lot of soul-searching, we finally instructed an estate agent today to put our house on the market.
I am sure that it won't be the end of a few more tears and "God.........have we done the right thing?" but unless we try, we will never know.
We are hoping to live in Adra, approx an hours drive from Almeria.
So glad that you have been able to think the issue through and make a decision.

Yes, you will have many times when you will wonder whether it is the right thing to do and you will have sleepless nights but at least it is you that has made the decision and not others controlling you.

Good Luck.

Rosemary
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Old May 13th 2007, 5:55 am
  #21  
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Thumbs up Re: Re-location advice required

Originally Posted by Linken1647
Many thanks for all of your replies this week. After lengthy family talks and a lot of soul-searching, we finally instructed an estate agent today to put our house on the market.
I am sure that it won't be the end of a few more tears and "God.........have we done the right thing?" but unless we try, we will never know.
We are hoping to live in Adra, approx an hours drive from Almeria.
Good for you Linken1647! I wish you all the very best of luck both with your house sale and your new life in Spain! I hope your brothers will be a bit more supportive. Tell them they should think of all those free holidays they could have. Maybe they could bring your Mum and Dad with them. Anyway, you have done the hardest bit, making the decision! All the best,
Chris XXX
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Old May 16th 2007, 5:23 am
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

It is always difficult to make the decision but Spain is just a few hours away..you can nearly always get a flight back at any time
If you were to live in a distant part of UK [ pehaps because of your job] it may not be any closer
Also you seem to have children who could cover for you whilst you are getting back
We are going to move to Almeria and my wife has a 92 year old Mother who is about to go into a home because she can no longer live with us
Our daughter will pop in on a regular basis [at her suggestion] and we can fly over on every so often....reverse of what we do now for holidays
So we will have our life in Spain knowing that we are not walking away from our responsibilities
You have to make sure that you are dealing with the right people when you buy in Spain but with careful planning there is no reason not to go
Your parents probably think Spain is a long way away...it's not now

Last edited by rowlandsbb; May 16th 2007 at 5:27 am.
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Old May 16th 2007, 11:07 pm
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

Hi Rowlandsbb - When are you going to move to Almeria? Will you be in Almeria itself? We are going to Adra which is about an hour from Almeria airport.
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Old May 16th 2007, 11:15 pm
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

The other side of Almeria-just outside Huercal Overa which is about 25 mins inland
Bought a plot in a small hamlet and the house will be ready in about 12 months Very good value for money and a bit 'half and half'.....in the country and Spanish environment but still close to all facilities
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Old May 18th 2007, 4:08 am
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

I made the move to Spain 5 months ago (effectively retired early at age 50 after years of working long and hard in the UK). I didn't get any negative reaction from my family beforehand - I had moved to live about 40 miles away from my parents, sister and brother some 25 years before, and my parents came to visit me exactly twice in all that time (I visited them and stayed overnight once a fortnight without fail). My mother died 10 years ago at the age of 63 which is what started me thinking about giving up work early as I figured what was the point of flogging myself to death until I am 65 if I might not live too long to draw the pension I was building up.

One month after I arrived in Spain my father had a stroke (he has had diabetes for many years but has managed it really well and has been quite stable for the last 3 years). He has now been in hospital in England since 30 December and I have spent pretty much half of that time back there visiting him, which my sister and brother also do several times a week. I don't enjoy the time I spend back in the UK one bit as I am lonely and isolated there, with my partner at home in Spain (luckily he is very supportive and does not resent the time I spend away from home, but we can't afford the air fares and extra UK living costs for both of us to travel back and forth). However, I don't feel happy when I am at home in Spain either as I worry about Dad and also about leaving my sister and brother to it, although they both say they understand my position. The ironic thing is that had I still been in the UK and working full time I would not have been able to spend half as much time helping to care for Dad as I have.

I don't know what will happen if and when Dad is recovered enough to leave hospital, and if he will be able to continue living in his own home with additional support, or not. Neither my sister nor brother have space in their homes to accommodate him, and I have to be honest and say that I could not face a future of returning to the UK to be his full time carer for possibly years to come. My aunt gave up her job to do that for my grandfather some 40 years ago, and faced her own old age in poverty as a result. Whilst family values might seem laudable unfortunately it was traditionally women who shouldered the burden and impoverished themselves and limited their own opportuntiies as a result
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Old May 18th 2007, 5:03 am
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

Hola! Buenas tardes!
Just wanted to send some karma to chrisw, Lynn R, and to the original poster, Linken1647. All have described how difficult it is to make decisions during very stressful moments of their lives. I take to heart how they have considered the way their actions might affect their entire family.
Good luck, have strength, and best wishes for the future,
Carol
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Old May 19th 2007, 8:36 am
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Default Re: Re-location advice required

Hi,

Just remember there are so many of us here who have been in the same boat and although I know we sometimes get comments when things get sticky in the UK for other family members we would never go back.
I worked for 30 years, raised 4 children and decided it was time to do something for me.
Live life while you can.
We are quite close to Almeria city too, not far from Adra. This province is lovely, we lived in Alicante before but fell in love with a little village here last year so up sticks and moved again.

Chris

Last edited by AlmeriaProperty4U; May 19th 2007 at 8:36 am. Reason: deletd quote
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