Linken1647

After almost 2 years of deliberation, we finally got around to getting the house valued last week. It was a nice surprise to be told it was worth more than we thought it was!

Big decision now.
My husband's kids do not mind us going. They just want what is right for their dad but my mum and my brothers are sending me on a guilt trip!

I really want to live in the sun and work fewer hours but am being made to feel that I am letting my immediate family down if I go, but am letting my husband down if I say that we don't go.

Dad is almost 80. Mum is almost 70. Dad had a stroke when he was 64 and has been unable to walk or talk since then. He never got to enjoy retirement.

HELP................words of advice required please!

Rosemary

Emotional blackmail is so difficult to deal with.

Think about what moving will mean to you personally, weigh up the pro's and con's, what you will miss, who you will miss, number of working hours, number of hours you presently see people and how many hours you will see them if you move etc, etc. Costs, financial and personal. Travel time.

Once you have evaluated the total situation from your own standpoint you are then able to look at it from others side, do the same exercise. Both of these exercises will help you with your decision and your answers to questions and accusations.

We only have one life and should feel free to make suitable decisions without others making us feel guilty.

Good Luck.

Rosemary

Linken1647

Thanks, Rosemary.
I hadn't thought about looking at it in that way.
I know that I really want to be in Spain. I will do as you suggest.

midwife2be

I feel for you i really do

I told my parents this week that i'd got a job in perth and just feel so awful leaving them and taking their granddaughters away

Unlike you however they are reasonably fit and well and will hopefully come and visit, so to provide reassurance is tough!! I keep reminding myself of what my friend told me before she emigrated almost two years ago.

"You have to do whats right for your family. If you dont do it now while you have the chance you'll always be wondering (and maybe regretting). Her mum has just been out to visit and now feels much happier and is even planning her next trip before xmas !!

Everytime i think of what we're doing I just feel physically sick, but you can always come back if it doesnt work out cant you

Rosemary

We did not have any problems with our families but after we had lived here a couple of months our eldest grandson was feeling low about other things and did the old 'did not realise how far away you are until now' bit. So I pointed out that the actual miles may be greater but the travelling times were exactly the same as they were when we lived in different counties in the UK.

Rosemary

lynnxa

my parents have had me on a guilt trip ever since we left the UK - in the end you just have to decide that it's your life to live, and you only have one of them........


strangely they have never laid the same trip on my brother & he lives in Oz......cab only think it's cos I'm the daughter

keithwalters

If living near you and seeing you on a daily/weekly basis is so important to them why don´t you invite them to move to Spain with you?

Then if they refuse it has been their decision to abandon you!!

Beachcomber

I agree with Lynnxa. It's your life and you should live it as you think fit.

kaylee

I agree with other posters I feel guilty about leaving family but we can not live out lives for other people. My mom is agoraphobic and I know it must be so difficult for her but she will not seek help or try to make things better for herself. I've done the 'looking after' bit for over 15 years I think we are all entitled to live our lives as we want to and mine is going to be in Spain. I've said to my mom if she gets well she is more than welcome to move with us. I thougt it might give her the kick she needed but to no avail

Fuzzlepop

Don't let your family hold you back, thats all I can say really. You have to make sacrifices its easy once your away from them for 3 months.

chrisw

Hi Linken1647. I do sympathise with your dilema. My husband and I had always planned to move to Spain, and finally decided to make the move. My Mum was almost 98 at the time and in a nursing home up the road from us. We arranged for the estate agent to come to value the house, and just as he arrived, I got a call from the nursing home to say my Mum had taken a turn for the worse. (Mum had suffered a stroke and had only just been out of hospital a few weeks). I rushed straight around there and having seen her called all the family who all attended. Mum sadly passed away later that day while I was holding her hand.
Mum knew that when we retired, we would be moving to Spain and although she would have missed not having us on the doorstep, I planned to make regular trips back to visit her, and the fare are certainly cheap enough nowadays. She did ask a couple of times when we were going and I just told her "oh, not for ages yet" as she was a terrible worrier and could get herself easily worked up over even little things. She didn't know the agent had been as she was unconscious for the most part after I arrived, and I am glad I didn't have to tell her.
I have a sister who is considerably older than me and always has something or other wrong with her. She didn't come to Mum's funeral, but did go to her neighbours funeral because "she had known them for years" ??? I haven't spoken to her since she told me that.
So I do appreciate what you are feeling at the moment, but you shouldn't take the responsibility soley upon yourself, for your parents well being. You say you are also getting the guilt treatment from your brothers. Your brothers are resorting to emotional blackmail to get you to continue to do what you are now ( I would guess that is pretty much everything?) so that they don't have to take their share of the responsibility. Your parents could be reacting the way they are out of fear of being left totally alone. But they wouldn't be if your brothers faced up to their responsibilities as you have up until now. Maybe you should turn the guilt back on your brothers stating that the only way your parents would be alone, is if they allow that to happen and that you are leaving them in your brothers capable hands, and that you still plan to visit whenever possible
Ultimately, only you can make the decision, but remember, it should be YOUR decision, NOT theirs, imposed on you. As has already been stated several times, you ARE entitled to a life of your own, certainly no less than your brothers. I do wish you well, and all the very best of luck!
Chris XXX

sunshine sue

Hi.
just to add we have been over in Spain for 7 weeks now and are really glad we made the decision.

my 74 year old mother was devasted when we told her we were moving. She vowed never to forgive us, not to visit us and refused to talk about it for quite a while. We expected this and was prepared for it.I am an only child and my mother is disabled but we had been living away for a while she in nottingham us in wales.

Next week I am flying to UK to pick up mum as she is coming to stay with us for a month. she really enjoys telling friends etc she is visiting family in spain. She is terrified of flying though !!

Funnily enough our 2 sons aged 25, 26 had no problems with us moving comments like " oh good cheap holidays " spring to mind.

They are also visiting whilst their grandmother is over so you see the family will be together but just in a different place.

you have to make the decision that you feel is right for you and your husband.

Sue

Carol&John

Hola! Buenos dias,

No advice, just a question for everyone and anyone:

The Elderly, in general, can be frail and vulnerable. Just the same as children. Why can we not cherish and protect them as we do children?

Regards,
Carol

Mitzyboy

Because in general we dont have the same family values we used to have in the UK .... you know, the family values that the Spanish seem to exhibit.

Carol&John

Hi Mitzyboy,

This is a difficult topic: "values".

Is it a value that the daughter/spinster in the household must take on the role of the carer, and put on the back burner any hopes/ambitions? This could be a 30 year spell. Some brothers are more compassionate than others.

The UK's care home system might be mocked/derided by people who would quickly say, "oh that would never be allowed in such and such a country", yet be the last to notice that old Carolina hasn't made an appearance lately.

Does it help when the "elderly person" plans for the future and thinks they have provided enough money to have someone else care for their needs? Are they still being cherished by society?

Enough, I know, I'm going off topic, and I apologise. This will be my last post. It does make me think how well I would cope when (Ojala!) I become "elderly".

Please spare a thought for the elderly around you today.

Adios,
Carol