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Question about jokes.

Question about jokes.

Old Mar 4th 2011, 10:38 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by bil
OK, but if you lose your nerve, please pm it to me.
My bottle's gone for tonight, I'm going to give it another crack in the morning.
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Old Mar 4th 2011, 11:10 pm
  #17  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by angiescarr
This is a very good question and a knotty problem. I negotiate my way through having an unstoppable desire to wind people up if I think they are taking themselves too seriously. Including occasionally jokes at my own expense if I find me taking me too seriously, and genuinely caring about peoples reasonable sensitivities.
So what do you reckon. People who complain about such things. Are they just being prissy little twats saying 'Oooh look at me, look at me, I care...' ?
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Old Mar 4th 2011, 11:11 pm
  #18  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by HBG
My bottle's gone for tonight, I'm going to give it another crack in the morning.
I've heard some fairly gross jokes, and I have an extremely black sense of humour. If you can offend me I'll buy you a beer.
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 8:43 am
  #19  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

The night shift mortuary attendant was startled to find a beautiful blonde body lying on one of the slabs and was looking forward to washing her down. When he looked closer he saw that she had a plug up her fanny.

When he pulled out the plug, a loud voice started singing, ‘Strangers in the night . . .’

He pushed the plug back in as quick as he could.

After walking around scratching his head, the attendant came back to the blonde and pulled out the plug again. ‘Strangers in the night . . .’ reverberated around the silent morgue, and he hastily pushed the plug back in.

After a couple of more tries, the attendant phoned his supervisor.

The irate man turned up an hour later. The attendant immediately took him to the blonde and pulled out the plug from her fanny. The voice started again, ‘Strangers in the night, it’s so exciting . . .’

The supervisor was furious. ‘Did you get me out of bed to listen to some **** singing Strangers in the Night?’
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 9:22 am
  #20  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

The boss of the mortuary took the day of and left a young lad in charge.

A few hours later the lad phones the boss and says "do you know there's a ladies body in here with a whelk on her fanny ?".

Boss replies, "Don't talk so daft, that's not possible."

The young lad replies, "Well it certainly tasted like a whelk to me".
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 9:46 am
  #21  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by bil
So what do you reckon. People who complain about such things. Are they just being prissy little twats saying 'Oooh look at me, look at me, I care...' ?
Honestly.....in my opinion, about 50% of the time yes. The other 50 they have a point and an apology and a rethink is in order.
For example. Someone, on another forum commented, in a positive sense, on Lady day (Billie Holiday) throwing someone out of a bar for using the N word towards her.
The poster actually used the word in context and some "prissy little twat" complained about the poster using the word in his post!
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 11:06 am
  #22  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by angiescarr
Honestly.....in my opinion, about 50% of the time yes. The other 50 they have a point and an apology and a rethink is in order.
For example. Someone, on another forum commented, in a positive sense, on Lady day (Billie Holiday) throwing someone out of a bar for using the N word towards her.
The poster actually used the word in context and some "prissy little twat" complained about the poster using the word in his post!
No, that's not what I mean. I'm not talking about offensive, directed remarks, even at one stage removed. Where someone uses a racist, whatever insult, then that person is entitled to complain, as did Billie Holiday, and if someone then calls her prissy, then that's a second insult.

That's not at all what I mean. I'm talking about a throwaway remark, or a joke (and I don't count jokes about racial characteristics out of spite as funny) which is made WITHOUT MALICE. Just because your cousin twice removed, or a friend suffers from that complaint, and a joke is made about it, I don't think that entitles you to make a complaint, and I think that it then marks you out as a prissy little nonentity, who is trying to make themselves look good.

There's a second point to this. Had someone been truly offended by what I said, then they have a simple recourse. pm me and say privately that there was a problem. For example, if someone made a joke about someone having two heads, I would catch them on their own and tip them off that Dick D actually had two heads, and he was a bit sensitive about it, so would that person mind being a bit careful about that subject.

To tell that person off in public would I feel, be bad manners personified.
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 11:42 am
  #23  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by bil
No, that's not what I mean. I'm not talking about offensive, directed remarks, even at one stage removed. Where someone uses a racist, whatever insult, then that person is entitled to complain, as did Billie Holiday, and if someone then calls her prissy, then that's a second insult.

That's not at all what I mean. I'm talking about a throwaway remark, or a joke (and I don't count jokes about racial characteristics out of spite as funny) which is made WITHOUT MALICE. Just because your cousin twice removed, or a friend suffers from that complaint, and a joke is made about it, I don't think that entitles you to make a complaint, and I think that it then marks you out as a prissy little nonentity, who is trying to make themselves look good.

There's a second point to this. Had someone been truly offended by what I said, then they have a simple recourse. pm me and say privately that there was a problem. For example, if someone made a joke about someone having two heads, I would catch them on their own and tip them off that Dick D actually had two heads, and he was a bit sensitive about it, so would that person mind being a bit careful about that subject.

To tell that person off in public would I feel, be bad manners personified.
Ahh Dick2heads!;-)

You've misunderstood me a little I think! Billie H wasn't being called prissy. It was the person who said you shouldn't use the word Billie objected to, when relating the tale.

But there are some jokes that really work. Some people would even object to this one.

Three children playing in a sandpit. let's call them Bill, Dick and Karim
Teacher calls them in and gives them a spelling test.
"Bill", says the teacher. "What were you doing in the playground".
"I was playing in the sand with Dick" says Bill.
"That's good says the teacher. If you can spell 'sand' I'll give you a lolly".
Bill says S-A-N-D and duly gets his lolly
"Dick", says the teacher. "What were you doing with Bill"?
"I was making a castle in the sand pit miss"
"That's good Dick...If you can spell Pit. You can have a lolly".
Dick spells P-I-T and gets his lolly.
"Karim" says the teacher, what were you doing in the playground?
"I wanted to play in the sandpit with Billy and Dick but they threw sand at me and called me names".
"That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me Karim" says the teacher.
"Now if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination"....................
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 11:45 am
  #24  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by bil
No, that's not what I mean. I'm not talking about offensive, directed remarks, even at one stage removed. Where someone uses a racist, whatever insult, then that person is entitled to complain, as did Billie Holiday, and if someone then calls her prissy, then that's a second insult.

That's not at all what I mean. I'm talking about a throwaway remark, or a joke (and I don't count jokes about racial characteristics out of spite as funny) which is made WITHOUT MALICE. Just because your cousin twice removed, or a friend suffers from that complaint, and a joke is made about it, I don't think that entitles you to make a complaint, and I think that it then marks you out as a prissy little nonentity, who is trying to make themselves look good.

There's a second point to this. Had someone been truly offended by what I said, then they have a simple recourse. pm me and say privately that there was a problem. For example, if someone made a joke about someone having two heads, I would catch them on their own and tip them off that Dick D actually had two heads, and he was a bit sensitive about it, so would that person mind being a bit careful about that subject.

To tell that person off in public would I feel, be bad manners personified.
Don't mind in the least bil, as they say two heads are better than one.

Maybe a pity the secrets out though. I was trying to keep them under my hat.
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 11:52 am
  #25  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Mother and daughter walk into a shoe shop, daughter says to assistent "I'd like some shoe to match this bag", "certainly," says the assistent "do you know what size she is".
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 1:58 pm
  #26  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by Madridboy
Mother and daughter walk into a shoe shop, daughter says to assistent "I'd like some shoe to match this bag", "certainly," says the assistent "do you know what size she is".
Offensive to Fendi........
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 2:06 pm
  #27  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jesus, I wonder what happened to this parrot.'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my dick around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 'I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the 200.00 quid price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for 20 quid, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers 20 quid, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Pssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the delivery man.'

'What are you talking about ?' asks the guy.

'When the delivery man came with a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT ??' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened ?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and they kissed and he began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.'

'Yes.'

Then he started taking off her nightie as they smooched.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED ?'

'DUNNO.... I got an erection and fell off me perch.
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 2:27 pm
  #28  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Lubbock, Texas, he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.���The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.�


'You talk?' he asks.�


'Yep,' the Lab replies.�


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'�

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'�

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'�

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.�


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.�


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'�

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
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Old Mar 5th 2011, 6:21 pm
  #29  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Paddy gets pulled at the airport with 2 sacks over his shoulder, full of mobile phones.
Customs guy says what are you doing with all these phones ?
Paddy says well I was in America and my mate Murphy phoned up and said we're starting a jazz band, can you fetch 2 sacks o phones back with you ?
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Old Mar 6th 2011, 12:57 pm
  #30  
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Default Re: Question about jokes.

Originally Posted by Dick Dasterdly
Don't mind in the least bil, as they say two heads are better than one.

Maybe a pity the secrets out though. I was trying to keep them under my hat.
Yeah, but as I say, so many of these jokes are offensive, if you want to be a prissy litle twat.

I still don't think that HBG's joke was that offensive. There are much better/worse ones out there. There was a terrible one about Woody Allen that is offensive to much more than half the world's population, - in the spirit of HBG's, tho,

I used to be a necrophiliac till some rotten c*** split on me.
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