Forum behaviour
 

Given the nature of what has happened I wonder if it would be a good idea to have somewhere on BE that people can open up a little more without others jumping on them.

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

Most of BE SHOULD be like that but unfortunately isn't!

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

I know, I recently read a few threads of an ex poster who obviously has some real issues and he was just attacked from all sides!!



Hey you, how are you?

Lovely pics by the way.

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

Nice thought and it would be great if it was that easy...but people can be cruel without knowing it..when someone is in a desperate state of mind even an off the cuff joke or remark, even if not meant maliciously can cut deep..you yourself have seen evidence on BE of this and probably suffered some yourself, you hopefully have been strong enough mentally to cope with this, when you are in the depths of despair, life feels very fragile....probably best left to the experts...in my opinion....:(

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

I never said that it would replace professional advice and help, I was just suggesting that there could be a place or some way for someone to talk without danger of attack. Thats all I said.


Is it too much for people to listen?

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

And I never presumed you did, and yes it would be great if there was a SAFE place to do so, but as I said in my previous post people can be cruel without realising it, how far do you take it ?, we have seen the results of in depth confessions with Kerry and onlineamiga and people think they should not have opened up so much.
I for one would love to think you all were my buddies on here and I could confide in you and trust you with all my hopes and fears...and mostly you are a good bunch of guys, but.............

Listen yes..constructive advice yes..sympathy, empathy yes..

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

Trouble is if you open up on here its most likely that everyone will give differing advice dependent on their circumstances & experiences and leave you more confused than you were before.

Jonsol proved that we can't tell. Someone told me today that Jonsols last post was the day before he killed himself, and no problem was apparant.

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

Exactly...

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

oh dear god!!!!

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

Obviously, I think we're all agreed that this is a terrible thing to happen to anybody. Mike, I was like you, I hadn't realised he'd stopped but then when you think about it....
I can't add anything more to what has already been said just that I send condolences to his family and friends like all of us have done. Even though most of may us have never met him personally, it might be of some small comfort to the family if they knew that his cyber-buddies were thinking of him and of course them at this time. RIP

I think that is a very good idea however it would need some heavy moderating. But sure a good thing completely.

Don't wholeheartedly agree with you on this and this is not the right thread to go into it too much, maybe we could talk outside of the thread, but I'll say this. There are kind of rules/customs on discussion forums such as this in that things are said glibly...banter if you will.... and as we are supposedly anonymous things should never hurt.If you can't take that sort of thing then online forums are probably not for you. On other forums I go on to there's none of the type of very sensitive posters like I see on here - it's bar room banter, someone has a go, you come in with a retort, when you're done you have a beer (or in this case a cyber beer!) and it's forgotten. Words on a screen from someone you've never met should never hurt anybody - how can it? You know your own self, you know your own worth - anyone having a personal go at you without knowing you is not worth worrying about. I've got paint drying on the walls I need to attend to!

I would say that is right on the money and that is the catch 22. I think it might help if in our profile we were able to say how many years we've been here, in what field, based where etc... this will give some idea to the person seeking advice how worthy the information is.

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

Don't wholeheartedly agree with you on this and this is not the right thread to go into it too much, maybe we could talk outside of the thread, but I'll say this. There are kind of rules/customs on discussion forums such as this in that things are said glibly...banter if you will.... and as we are supposedly anonymous things should never hurt.If you can't take that sort of thing then online forums are probably not for you. On other forums I go on to there's none of the type of very sensitive posters like I see on here - it's bar room banter, someone has a go, you come in with a retort, when you're done you have a beer (or in this case a cyber beer!) and it's forgotten. Words on a screen from someone you've never met should never hurt anybody - how can it? You know your own self, you know your own worth - anyone having a personal go at you without knowing you is not worth worrying about. I've got paint drying on the walls I need to attend to!

Maybe this forum is different then...maybe the exception. There are many kind and caring souls on here that actually turn cyber words into physical deeds.
Words wether on a screen or in a book all mean something..otherwise there would be no forums..just look at all the wise words and advice passed over on here...the pen is mighter than the sword. simplistic probably but maybe as I am a sensitive soul forums are not for me.

My greatest respect to Jonsol and his family.

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

Lets not hijack this thread.I'll start another one and give you my reply.

Re: Jonsol - RIP
 

well done

Forum behaviour
 

Not sure about the title but it will do.

This is a follow on from something that was brought up in the regrettable Jonsol-RIP thread and rather than take attention away from that upsetting news, this thread has been opened up instead.

A quick summary.....


It was suggested a kind of "shrinks sofa" scetion could be opened up on BE so that people could "let it all out" without being attacked. A good idea methinks.

It was then suggested that this was what the forum should be anyway where nobody attacks anybody and we should all agree (sorry Buddha, poetic license ;) )

I replied that forums in general are harmless if you know how to use them - ie don't get offended by anything as it's not worth it, things said anonymously to another who is also anonymous should not upset anybody because what's the point???


Buddha replied:

Maybe this forum is different then...maybe the exception. There are many kind and caring souls on here that actually turn cyber words into physical deeds.
Words wether on a screen or in a book all mean something..otherwise there would be no forums..just look at all the wise words and advice passed over on here...the pen is mighter than the sword. simplistic probably but maybe as I am a sensitive soul forums are not for me.


And here's my reply:

Lovely selective highlighting of what I said, and was your last line really constructive???? But anyway....... my point is this. On other forums I go on to, there is a tease, there's banter, there's sometimes out and out insults. But it's all done in jest, and in the interests of creating a decent forum (OED says: a place or meeting for public discussion) disagreeing is encouraged as it allows a frank exchange of views. The jest and banter is put in there to take the edge off as we are after all anonymous. Imagine a conversation where we agreed on everything. Where's the debate?
I stick by my comment where I said sensitive souls who can't take debating with a wide world of people at once, with a wide range of views and personalities shouldn't really be on forums in the first place. Actually I didn't put it like that - I said that it probably wasn't for them.

BTW you chose the wrong weekend to make the crack about "caring souls who actually put cyber words into physical deeds".

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Posts erroneously posted in Jonsol thread moved here

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Good man, Mitzyboy!

Re: Forum behaviour
 

I totally understand where you are coming from with this Matt but I do not think that it would have helped Jonsol. When people are in the frame of mind that makes them take their own lives few people would be in a position to recognise that fact. I know of people who have seen their doctor, therapist or mental health worker only hours before commiting suicide and the professionals were shocked because the person had not presented as likely to do this. Usually their nearest and dearest are totally oblivious to the real state of the persons mind and are also shocked when it occurs.

However saying that I agree with you that when someone really needs to talk it would be helpful if there was somewhere that they could do this without fear of being ridiculed etc.

We tend to be a caring lot on here and banter with each other in a friendly rather than obnoxious way but even that bantering is not always appropriate. You will remember that when Mitzy was locked out of his house he came on here and asked for sympathy, I thought and my OH thought that he was asking to be cheered up with a load of nonsense but that is not what he really needed and we boobed by taking the mick. It is just so easy to get it wrong.

So if we have something on here that effectively means people must be respectful, polite and helpful to the poster this needs to be highlighted in some way so that there is no bantering or sillyness. I do not know how practical this would be or how it could be moderated as I have only been on this forum since March. I have looked at other forums and found them too intimidating because I am not a confrontational sort of person.

People generally get their help from family and professionals face to face but some find it easier to write down their thoughts, feelings and fears in a more anonymous manner so maybe there is a place for it in the forum. It is ensuring that it is properly respected that could be the difficulty.

Rosemary

Re: Forum behaviour
 

I feel I want to say something. I kind of like the idea of a sensitive area. I have posted info on this site that to me makes me feel vulnerable, but I have had nothing but support back, I have also had private conversations with people I have met on this site. I have had one bad experience but thats human nature, not the nature of the site.
Over 14 months of being a member I have build some great friendships, and it might help others to get to know each other better and understand our backgrounds and thoughts and reasons for our opinions if there was somewhere we could be a little more open without fear of attack.

I do think this forum is exceptional in its behavior and the respect other members show each other.

love

mary x

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Your phrase 'sensitive area' says it all as far as I am concerned. A place where others know not to be insensitive would be a good thing I think but again it is open to abuse so people would be taking a bit of a risk.

I agree with you about this forum being exveptional and respectful for the most part and the exceptions are sorted effectively.

Rosemary

Re: Forum behaviour
 

I think on the whole most people are a good bunch on BE.

Saying that, when you are feeling desperate sometimes you can post personal stuff on here that perhaps in hindsight, was not a good idea.

I have had unmeasurable support from this site when my Mum died and it meant so much to me.

However, I can think of 3 posters (whom I shall not name) that did something so cruel to me at a time when they KNEW what was going on, and for that I will never forgive them and I am astounded at how superficially nice these people are for when it suits them and their ulterior motives behind it.

I have read posts on this site and some of them sound so very sad and desperate, I have pm'd the people in question to offer support and have built up friendships.

Not friendships that are obvious to the forum by public posts, but by private messages.

Sometimes, I think we all need to be considerate in our replies to people. In a thread about depression, someone wrote 'Just snap out of it'. Helpful I don't think.

People may just write a few lines that if you really look, may be so significant that even a friendly 'hello, you are not alone' or 'welcome to the forum' would be better than a smart, somewhat cutting reply.

I am not saying we should be self appointed counsellors but if someone feels an urge to be sarcastic to a poster who is obviously in need of help, then keep it to yourself.

Because behind every poster is a real person, with real problems and some of us deal with these problems better than others.

And yes I have had a few scraps on here in my time, written a few things that I am not proud of, but it has taken something personal to me to make me realise that online friendships are in fact very real.

Consideration - that is all it takes.

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Sorry I disagree .. If your sensitive about something why on earth would you tell a bunch of people who have there own lives and don't give a toss about you .. and don't give me all the we do care crap ..Iv'e have been around long enough to see lip service given a thousand time ..

Sensitive area ..a lot of bleedin nonsense ....

Re: Forum behaviour
 

How very pleasant you are. Perhaps we could start a special area too for people that may hold the same beliefs you do, and then the rest of us can ignore the lot of you!

Re: Forum behaviour
 

come on, we could make you the Mod for it Ray

Re: Forum behaviour
 

I expect you know more about people than I do...
stay up there in the clouds..

Re: Forum behaviour
 

One thing you get from me ..is straight talking with
no bullshit ..as you well know ..
I think Rushman has the best phrase .."you think it ...I say it .

Re: Forum behaviour
 

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Ray, Im sorry but you dont know me enough to say I am giving 'lip service'.

Sorry mate, but with me it is not true - I agree that it may well be the case with others, but with me what you see is what you get (filth included)

And if my memory serves me, some people were genuinely upset when you were not on the forum for a bit.

Not all of us are the same and shouldnt be generalised as so.

Re: Forum behaviour
 

And yet another thread going nasty!!!!!!!!:curse:

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Same with me ..

95% lip service when I died ..and I have no problem with that ..

Of course not ..I'm talking majority by far though ...

If some poor scmuck in albania dies and I have talked to him on here ..
I really don't care ...In fact I have said many times on here
I dont really care about anybody on here.. unless I actually meet them
and the pixels become reality ..

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Why .. Is it not allowed to disgree with the majority ...
I have been doing it for 4 year on here

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Here we go, trolling along.
i think i probably do know quite a lot about people , yes, and some of them are not particularly pleasant with their opinions and remarks (if the cap fits Ray) luckily, most on THIS forum, with few exceptions,are. Those who are not usually tire of their winding up games quite quickly after they are sussed out by others with a touch more intelligence than they have.
Some friendships start in Cyber space, and then go on to real life, some are happy for supportive words from fairly anonymous acquaintances they meet in areas like this, perhaps you forum is not like our one, perhaps you would like to go back to it without spreading more vitriolic opinion. And stay there.

Re: Forum behaviour
 

You can say what you ever you like. I made a statement of fact that didn't require a response.

Re: Forum behaviour
 

So I am the nasty for disagreeing with you ...

Re: Forum behaviour
 

No !! you stated your opinion ...
I dont see any nastiness ..just an opposing view ..

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Please, agree to disagree. Much nicer.;)

Re: Forum behaviour
 

If you care to look back at the thread, you were being nasty before i even posted. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, there are ways of expressing it without causing offense to people, but maybe that is something beyond your capabilities.

Re: Forum behaviour
 

This is exactly the point I made earlier. Why are you getting bothered by what Ray is saying. He's clearly not bothered.....as it has no relevance. This is an anonymous forum where people who opt to come onto it must do so in the knowledge that they are going to encounter people they may not agree with or whatever. Imagine a pub where there's a loudmouth in the corner who was bothering you - you could go and engage in conversation with him and probably end up more wound up than before OR you could choose to ignore that person and carry on chatting with your mates at the bar. This is pretty much the same thing.
A forum attracts different personalities, different senses of humour, different opinions.If you're not equipped to deal with that then a forum is prbably not the best way to go.

BTW your encounter with Ray should serve as a lesson as he simply dropped the bait and you bit. WUMs (wind up merchants) are everywhere in cyberspace forums, the trick is recognising them, play them at their own game if you want - you might get a bit more respect - but biting the bait left by a WUM means there will be one winner.

Re: Forum behaviour
 

as a foot note.....did I actually start this thread?

Re: Forum behaviour
 

Started with good intentions :(

Re: Forum behaviour
 

you know me.