MissBetty

Ok so I'm just gonna have a bit of a ramble here and hope someone will give me a kick up the bum, good advice or something!

I've wanted to go home for so long now and its nearly my turn. Everything is in place, got my citizenship/passport, my stuff has been shipped, my one way ticket is booked and I'm moving back into my flat in the UK, seriously I can't wait! I'm booked onto a v expensive work related course in June, working hard here and saving as much as I can. I've had a lot of outlay recently with shipping/courses, bills for my UK home etc but now I'm saving every spare cent I have.

I'm living in rent free work accommodation atm and I'm house sitting for two months in March/April - 4 bed house with a pool My boss is going on leave soon and I am covering for him so I'll be earning good money but..................... I'm SO having a proper meltdown right now and I have no idea why? I want to leave NOW, even to the point that I was online today looking at changing my flights from May to next week!

My lovely boss sat me down today before he left for the week and said (nicely!) pull yourself together love, you'll be going home in 4 months with a nice wodge of money in the bank, you get to say your goodbyes to all your favourite places and people so you need to chill out. I cried A LOT, I know he's right but why do I feel so crap when I am so close to getting what I want?????

Has anyone else gone through this before returning home? Maybe its just the heat (39 today), the incessant tropical rain or the fact that I am alone so much as I work remote, I don't know! I just feel like I want to pack my bags right now and get on that plane asap!

Englishmum

Hmmmmm - could it be that time of the month? I always go a bit emotional, loopy and turn into a witch whenever I'm pre-menstrual lol!

MissBetty

Ha ha ha! No damn it, can't even blame it on that! Can't think why I'm just being such a total bloomin sook which is actually not like me at all, thanks for making me laugh though

brissybee

It sounds like you have simply checked out of Australia (a little early.)

It it seems fairly normal to me that once you have made up your mind that you want to do something... you just want to get on and do it.

Hang in though... you know your boss is right. Maybe make a countdown diary or take a picture each day you're still here and put it in an album... (or whatever else inspires you!)

Try not to wish away your days, they're precious.

MissBetty

Yes you are right, I don't have a job to go home to so I need to have a fair bit of money behind me so I can just ease on back into things. I just feel like I'm suffocating here right now, work is driving me mad and I seem to have very little patience with anyone or anything. Thanks for the advice, much appreciated

dunroving

Yes, this (bolded), would be my guess. Loneliness can turn your perspective upside down.

It's probably a bit more complicated than just that but I think that loneliness can be a huge factor in messing with your head.

It sounds like your boss has a good head on his shoulders.

curleytops

I guess I went through something similar between my recce trip over here in 2010 and coming back for good in April 2011. Leaving my future husband at the airport in Newcastle was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - I was a complete basket case after I went through airport security and a kindly porter even asked if I needed a wheelchair so god only knows what I must have looked like. After I got back to Canada I must have asked myself a million times "what the hell am I doing here????" but like you I just concentrated on spending the time banking as much cash as I could to go back for good with. Your anxiety will pass, just think about the big picture and how much more secure you'll feel going back with that bit extra dosh behind you. You've been very well prepared and sorted everything out well in advance and I think quite possibly part of the problem is that now you have a little free time to actually think about this limbo you're in at the moment. The time will go over before you know it. Think about where you were four months ago and I bet it doesn't seem like five minutes have passed. By then everything here will be green again and in full bloom - what a welcome back!

MissBetty

Loneliness is just horrible, I've never been so lonely in my life as I have been here. Admittedly it was my choice to go remote, one for the experience, two you don't get so flogged at work, three you don't get so dragged into work politics and four the pay is so much better. Now though after 4 years at remote postings I think I've just come to the end of my tether

I've never been a needy person, lived on my own for years but always had a good social life. I always quite happily spent time alone and went off traveling by myself for years but now I know what its like to have no one, be on your own for days at a time and to feel desperate for some company and a chat!

Yes he is awesome, we only cross over once a week but he's been a good friend to me, I'm lucky to have him even if it IS just for one day a week.

Thanks for taking the time to reply

MissBetty

Awww thanks, I do feel very anxious atm! I'm not sleeping properly, I'm getting palpitations and I feel stressed and exhausted all the time. You are right when you say I'm probably now thinking about the limbo I'm in, I'm alone so much up here - maybe I've just got too much time on my hands to think about things?

Its funny but when I moved to Australia I did it without a care in the world but now, even though I cannot wait to get home, I find myself worrying about things as well - will I get a job easily, will I fit in back home, what do I do about my NI contributions, etc etc - argghhh!!!! Deep breaths !

Wow you have been back nearly two years already?! Bet Canada seems like a lifetime ago now

Sue

I'd absolutely second this.

Sue

I'm going through the same thing and I'm only moving states!! Hubby already in new job and I'm the one back home handling all the nitty gritty details/house move etc. So if you are on your own a lot its only natural you are feeling anxious and can't sleep. I bet you put your head on the pillow and your brain is racing.

Hold strong and the next few months will fly by ... just keep your eye on the goal.

MissBetty

Should have gone to bed ages ago as its nearly one in the morning but can't sleep! Just sitting here reading through the replies and interacting with people on here is helping, I feel a bit better. All our communications went down here a few days ago, no internet or phone, I am just extremely grateful that its all back up and running atm Thanks Sue and good luck with your move! I do wish I could just bloomin well switch off my busy little brain for a bit and give me a break from ME lol!

dunroving

Mark Twain said, "There were hundreds of terrible events in my life. Some of them actually happened"

I can't think of a better way to express the futility of worrying about things that may not even happen.

We beat ourselves up about things that happened in the past (that we can't change - they happened, move on).

We beat ourselves up about the future (things that haven't even happened yet, and may not happen).

At the risk of sounding like a broken record (I have mentioned these things before), I found mindfulness a very helpful way of thinking. It can involve meditation, but doesn't need to. It's not a complicated concept, and it can be practised in different ways, at different levels. Your description of getting all worked up about things that might happen just struck a chord. It can be something way in the future (like when you get back to the UK), or as soon as later in the day. I would find myself getting anxious in the evening, thinking about work the next day (long story). It's only recently that I have been able to cognitively persuade myself that if I can't change what is going to happen on a Monday morning, why ruin my Sunday evening?

Things may well be difficult when you get back (they were for me), but some may not be anywhere near as difficult as you think they will, others may be more difficult than you expected, and some problems may arise that you may not even be aware of now! I'm all for planning ahead, but I've learned (well, somewhat) not to waste energy on stuff I can't change.

If you are inteersted in the possibilities of minfulness, send me a PM and I'll share a couple of books that may be able to help with the heebeejeebees.

[I sound like a bloody hippy, in fact I am the absolute opposite, which hopefully will convince you that this stuff is worth considering]

MissBetty

No you don't sound like a hippy lol! I am very interested in what you have to say actually, that bit I've bolded really made me go 'oh!'

I do very long hours as I think I've probably mentioned before - 178 hours straight on duty. I find I'm ok on my days off but every Weds, before I am due to start my next rotation, no matter what I am doing I can't enjoy it. I get myself so worked up about coming back to work, I love my job but the thought of spending all that time alone makes me start to freak out a bit and I find I'm getting worse and worse even though I don't have long to go now

I'll send you a pm re those books, thanks!

lf1

Miss Betty, sorry to hear that you are not feeling great at the moment. I hope this experience will pass quickly and you will be home before you know it. Tomorrow it will be February and another day closer to your move. I didn't experience what you are going through, but when I was stressed at work and couldn't sleep I used to either read or put on a TV show that made me feel better. For me that was a lighthearted comedy.

I also found breathing deeply helped me to get back to sleep. Also, I tried to concentrate my mind on things that were unrelated to the issues that were causing me stress. My version of counting sheep was to count the characters in Coronation St and variations of that. Sounds daft, I know, but it did help.

Keep in touch with your family, friends and us lot on here. Sometimes just talking things through really helps. I am sending you some hot milk and Jaffa cakes to send you into slumberland.