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40 days and we're going back, help required!

40 days and we're going back, help required!

Old Dec 4th 2008, 4:35 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

What a load of nutters and nosey bar stewards. I love this site
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 4:39 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
I could make them stay 6 months, a year, 2 years, and hope that they'll settle down, but what if they don't?
Life's full of risks. There really are very few givens in this world.

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
At the moment they still consider England as home, I don't want them to grow up not knowing where they belong, and that's exactly what will happen if i were to make them stay.
Maybe, maybe not. I doubt the jury's out at this point. Heck I considered England my "home" for over ten years after leaving; now my heart tells me my home is San Francisco. I didn't get there overnight to put it mildly.

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
I'm under no illusions on what it's gonna be like when me and the kids get back - unemployed and skint - and going back to live in the same village where we owned our own house, had great jobs, two cars etc etc is gonna be extremely hard - as i said earlier, staying is the easy thing to do, going back is much worse, but it's not about me, it's what's best for my kids, and if i've got to be the talk of the place for a few days, weeks, then that's a price i'm willing to pay.
Leaving aside the issue of whether 40 days is long enough to make a judgement, this is why I think you should persevere longer. You've been married for 20 years and thus have a lot of emotional and financial investment in the marriage. At the least I think you should spend some time seeing whether you can come to some kind of consensus with your spouse and, if not, resolving the financial situation prior to going back. I wouldn't like to be in the position of filing for divorce in the UK when all the marital assets are in Australia.

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
We came, we saw, we didn't like, we're going home to get our life back.
We?

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
To be honest, i think the whole financial thing with my OH is his way of trying to make me stay.
Or maybe his expectation simply was that you'd stick at it more than 40 days even if you didn't settle in immediately?

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
He's a good man, i love him dearly, i just don't think he's ready to admit to the world that it didn't work out - i think his pride is at stake, as well as fear that he won't be able to give us what we had before we left. What i can't make him understand is that going back is not a failure - there's two of us in this relationship and if we don't earn what we did before, then so what? at least we'll be together and we'll have our 2 happy children back.
The "two of us in this relationship" works both ways though. What if he really wants to give Australia a go and thinks that your wanting to leave within 40 days of arriving is undercutting your relationship? It wouldn't be an unreasonable position to take:- I would wager that most people would think that's nowhere near long enough to know whether things will work out. It took me 18 months to feel comfortable living in California, and that was moving from another part of the US...
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 4:58 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by Giantaxe View Post
Or maybe his expectation simply was that you'd stick at it more than 40 days even if you didn't settle in immediately?

That's the exact reason why (after the event) my DH said to me "if you go back, I'm staying here" when I wanted to go back at the very start. He wanted me to give it a good go and not write it off immediately. I'm not saying it was easy (and our marriage was pretty shaky at the time) but it was the kick I needed to show to me that he was serious about giving Australia a good go... he could have quite easily given in to me (the course of least resistance) but he dug his heels in and in time I realised that it's not all that bad here. Heck, some days I'll go so far as to say I love living here. I still have days when I curse the whole country and wish we had never come, but I think most expats feel like that.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 6:35 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

In my opinion there would be a lot of single Brit men here if all of us gave way to our feelings when we first emigrated. However I married my man and am happy with him wherever we are the place makes no difference to me. I would never throw my marriage awaybecause of material things or for extended family.

Also my children are on loan and they have their own lives and will live wherever they like and do whatever they like its the way of the world.

All I can say is good luck but please do not say you are doing it for the children, if they were happy here now or tomorrow came home and said we are not going would you change your mind?

I feel sorry for lots of guys who try to do the best thing for their family but its never enough just my opinion what do I know.

Just say I am going because I do not like it.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 9:53 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by markallwood View Post
Mary - I genuinely hope that things work out well for you and your family.

I do still think that you are being too hasty, and I hope that you will forgive me for posting these links to a couple of your old posts.

I am not doing this to bug you or annoy you, and if you want me to edit the post and remove them, I will. There are two reasons why I'm posting them:
1) I genuinely think that you should consider staying a bit longer before making your decision, and perhaps these old posts might make you reconsider.
2) I think that these posts show that moving to the other side of the world is sometimes harder that we can anticipate. There will be a few people in the UK who should really consider your experiences carefully, because they demonstrate that making the move can be very tough.

best of luck,
Mark


http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...35#post6799035

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...33#post6806833

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...88#post6869388

ps - the point of posting the links was to show that it was only very recently that you were prepared to stay for 2yrs whether you hated it or not and that you knew that the kids might be very unhappy at first.... and also that perhaps you were a little unsure about the whole move in the first place.

I don't mind at all - i wonder how many other people posted other such rubbish before they'd experienced it themselves? I was talking utter crap, but i was fed utter crap, which i only found out when i got here. I take full responsibility for where we've ended up, but the few posts you've highlighted, was me trying to reassure others, and what i said was with the knowledge i had at the time and with the best intention possible. Have you looked at the posts where i had major wobbles and very nearly didn't come? Maybe you should've read and posted them, instead of picking the one's you did - just a thought

In any event, i don't need reminding of what i did or didn't say, the past is the past, if i could turn the clock back i would.

If you know the answers to my original questions, then i'd like to hear, failing that, it's probably better if you pick another thread to give your words of wisdom to.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 10:14 am
  #51  
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Mary, a 20 year happy marriage has surely got to be a top priority? Your children will adapt and find their own way wherever they are. But you speak so fondly of your husband. Are you sure you're not just angry at each other because everything feels wrong. Would it not be better to try and make things work here for a bit longer just so you can exhaust all avenues? You hint that your husband might feel he has failed if he can't provide what you had in the UK if you all went back. That is so sad.
What about trying family mediation to get all your cards on the table? With the right attitude, you can get through most things. Imagine how all those partners cope who are with servicemen and they end up in some very hostile places.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 10:18 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by BigDavyG View Post
Whatever you need to do or say to justify this to yourself, then you just go with it.
Good luck
No justification required, i'm going back, i didn't ask anyone whether they thought i should or not.


Originally Posted by Lord Lionheart View Post
What a load of nutters and nosey bar stewards. I love this site

PMSL.......


Originally Posted by Giantaxe View Post
Life's full of risks. There really are very few givens in this world.

I know


Maybe, maybe not. I doubt the jury's out at this point. Heck I considered England my "home" for over ten years after leaving; now my heart tells me my home is San Francisco. I didn't get there overnight to put it mildly.

I'm happy for you


Leaving aside the issue of whether 40 days is long enough to make a judgement, this is why I think you should persevere longer. You've been married for 20 years and thus have a lot of emotional and financial investment in the marriage. At the least I think you should spend some time seeing whether you can come to some kind of consensus with your spouse and, if not, resolving the financial situation prior to going back. I wouldn't like to be in the position of filing for divorce in the UK when all the marital assets are in Australia.

We're working on it


We?

me and the kids



Or maybe his expectation simply was that you'd stick at it more than 40 days even if you didn't settle in immediately?

probably, but i guess he thought he was gonna get sex every night for the next 30 years as well

The "two of us in this relationship" works both ways though. What if he really wants to give Australia a go and thinks that your wanting to leave within 40 days of arriving is undercutting your relationship? It wouldn't be an unreasonable position to take:- I would wager that most people would think that's nowhere near long enough to know whether things will work out. It took me 18 months to feel comfortable living in California, and that was moving from another part of the US...
Without knowing me or my kids, i can't see how you can know what's right or wrong - Your decision was right for you, mine is right for me. As i said earlier, my decision is made, i'm not asking anyone if i'm making the right decision, i was just asking for some information - probably best reading the end of my original post.


Originally Posted by Petals View Post
In my opinion there would be a lot of single Brit men here if all of us gave way to our feelings when we first emigrated. However I married my man and am happy with him wherever we are the place makes no difference to me. I would never throw my marriage awaybecause of material things or for extended family.

Also my children are on loan and they have their own lives and will live wherever they like and do whatever they like its the way of the world.

All I can say is good luck but please do not say you are doing it for the children, if they were happy here now or tomorrow came home and said we are not going would you change your mind?

I feel sorry for lots of guys who try to do the best thing for their family but its never enough just my opinion what do I know.

Just say I am going because I do not like it.
I guess that's the difference between me and you - i think if you were to ask my kids who they'd prefer, the mum who puts them first or the one that is thinking about their own retirement, i think they'd pick me.

I don't like Oz, but i could grow to like it if my kids wanted to stay. As it is, i'm taking them from the worse education system i've ever experienced back to probably one of the best. Call me a bad mum, i don't care, i know i'm doing the right thing. I don't want to listen to my kids cry themselves to sleep anymore - if others want to do that, fine, i hope they settle in quickly.

I've got the information i orginally asked for (thank you!), maybe it's time to close this thread now.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 10:21 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

If you know you're doing the right thing, why did you post asking for help?????
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 10:36 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by cricket1 View Post
Mary, a 20 year happy marriage has surely got to be a top priority? Your children will adapt and find their own way wherever they are. But you speak so fondly of your husband. Are you sure you're not just angry at each other because everything feels wrong. Would it not be better to try and make things work here for a bit longer just so you can exhaust all avenues? You hint that your husband might feel he has failed if he can't provide what you had in the UK if you all went back. That is so sad.
What about trying family mediation to get all your cards on the table? With the right attitude, you can get through most things. Imagine how all those partners cope who are with servicemen and they end up in some very hostile places.


Thanks for you concern Cricket and no, my mind is made up. My flights are booked and the kids start school/college on the 5th January.

I've always put my kids first and will continue to do so - my OH knows what i'm like, we've lived together for 20 years (16 of them with children) and everything i've ever done has been with them in mind, which is something i'm extremely proud of. My OH must make his own decision, which as far as i'm concerned is, stand by your family and stop being selfish.

That's it from me on the subject - thanks again for you concern.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 10:37 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

I think your husband will be fine.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 10:44 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by cricket1 View Post
If you know you're doing the right thing, why did you post asking for help?????


I asked for help regarding benefit entitlement:

"I was wondering whether anyone could give me advise about what i could claim when i get back if i can't find work? Does being out of the country for less than 12 weeks mean i'll have to take the Habitual test? Will the equity from the house sale that we brought to Oz and am now gonna have to share with my OH, mean i can't get help? (it's not much, just a few thousand).

Any advise would be appreciated."

It sort of snowballed from there!! I don't believe i asked anyone if i was doing the right thing or not - I asked for information, seems i got more than i bargained for!!!
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 11:02 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

I'm constantly amazed at how many people move to the other side of the world expecting it to be a walk in the park. It's not. It's tough and requires serious commitment and a strong relationship with your husband/wife/partner. This post should be a wake up call to all those Brits who think they will be walking on to a set of Home And Away or Neighbours when they get here.

Mary1967, I don't know enough about you to comment on your particular circumstances, but I would urge you to think hard about keeping your family together. Surely that should be the number one priority? Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I think children need both their parents more than just about anything.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 11:30 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
I don't mind at all - i wonder how many other people posted other such rubbish before they'd experienced it themselves? I was talking utter crap, but i was fed utter crap, which i only found out when i got here. I take full responsibility for where we've ended up, but the few posts you've highlighted, was me trying to reassure others, and what i said was with the knowledge i had at the time and with the best intention possible. Have you looked at the posts where i had major wobbles and very nearly didn't come? Maybe you should've read and posted them, instead of picking the one's you did - just a thought

In any event, i don't need reminding of what i did or didn't say, the past is the past, if i could turn the clock back i would.

If you know the answers to my original questions, then i'd like to hear, failing that, it's probably better if you pick another thread to give your words of wisdom to.
Bugger ,i wouldnt want to pick a shit fight with you! Youve got balls lady,(meant it in the nicest of ways though)
Good luck.
donna
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 11:38 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by donna View Post
Bugger ,i wouldnt want to pick a shit fight with you! Youve got balls lady,(meant it in the nicest of ways though)
Good luck.
donna
Its a good job she has Judging by some of these responses....Bloody helpful lot .
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 11:46 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

I think to be fair Mary is in a corner and fighting ,even those whom opinions were well intended, its a difficult and emotional time for her and I wish her well.
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