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40 days and we're going back, help required!

40 days and we're going back, help required!

Old Dec 3rd 2008, 3:12 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by sans View Post
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks....They are not living your life, their will always be those that think.. if you dont do as they do ,think as they think, then your in the wrong.

Personally i take my hat off to you, i think you are very brave for going it alone and sticking to what you believe is right for you and yours....
And i genuinely hope it all turns out for the best and your OH realises that their is more to life then just him

Good Luck xx
Hear hear. Best of luck - we are in the same boat (I want to leave - wife not so sure - so there's another one for you!).

No one knows the ins and outs of your situation but you, so although alternative points of view are always useful, bland generalisations and critisism is not. It sounds like you have given it serious consideration and will do what's right for your kids. Nothing can prepare you for what living overseas is like until you have done it - and I think you know when you have made the wrong choice. The hard part is admitting it, acting on it before it's too late.

Hope it works out for you....
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 4:47 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
Fortunately , Sal, i don't give a toss what you think............................
I actually know how you're feeling but a couple of weeks is a short time to bust everything up - however it sounds like you have sorted things out more with your husband so that is good - hope it works out for you.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 9:05 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Hi Mary, I know exactly where you are coming from. I knew after three weeks that I couldn't live there, hubby loved it. We stayed 6 months in the end and the yearning to return home never left me. Hubby didn't want to come home but did because he knows me better than anyone and knew that if I said I couldn't live there then I honestly couldn't and that feeling would never have gone. But although I love my husband dearly and we have been together over 20 years I would have left him there if I had had to.

We have now been back in the UK 6 years coming up and neither of us has regretted it. We slotted back into our lives as if we hadn't been away but with a lot more appreciation of what was important in life to us and glad that we did try it. Life now is great, in fact its fantastic because if there is one thing that migration taught me is that in life you have to make difficult decisions and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't but either way you have to just get on with it as at the end of the day you only get one life
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:31 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by BigDavyG View Post
I sympathise a lot with anyone who has troubles after moving, but I'm sorry, packing it in after 40 days is absolutely ridiculous.
Of course your attitude could be influencing the kids (who will obviously find it tough at first - just like everyone else), and your post makes it sound like you are using them as an excuse to leave.
I dunno what the answer is , cut your losses straight away or stick it out, i wish i had cut my losses as we just got worse and worse off financially, but then my OH was like the OP's said we hadn't been here long enough, which i thought he had a point! now 18 months i know ave been here too long, he wont go back, my 17 year old is settled, my 10 year old is unhappy and behind at school and i feel like i get up everyday here and get on that bloody treadmill, the future for us definately holds a split in the family!, but i can say, well i listened to oh, stayed and tried, didnt work!!
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:35 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
I didn't apply for a TFN number cause i wasn't working, didn't realise i could still have one until the money was in the bank!

Why would i need a letter? Who would stop me taking them, especially if he has no ojection? or do you mean to protect my interests if he suddenly decides they can't go?



I'm glad you're sorry, but don't i don't accept your apology, the words 'go forth and multiply spring to mind'. I didn't ask for your sympathy, i'm sure others don't want that either, what we do want, however, is the advise we orginally asked for, not some know it all who likes the sound of his own voice. Personally, I think you're abolsultely ridculous and completely insensitive, and as you don't know me or my situation (thank god!), i'd suggest you keep your trap shut. As for needing an excuse to leave - staying is the easy option, leaving is much harder.





Thanks for the advise - at least i've got something to work on now.




Thanks for that.

PMSL,

Mary sounds like your strong enough to survive anywhere
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:45 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Starting over is not easy anywhere. I was tricked by a devious husband into coming here 5 years and it cost me me everything including a huge divide in my family which I can't heal. If I could legally get my hands on my ex husband and just have 5 minutes giving him a slow agonising vasectomy experience without an anaesthetic, I would. BUT.....there is no use crying over spilt milk and my focus is now only on my huge success back up the ladder and back to Britain. I never think about the downside to avoid being sucked back into it, I only focus upwardly. I don't care about the spineless, corrupt, selfish toad that brought me out here, left me stranded with money, then tried to sue me for the lions share. Those days are gone, he's gone, I'm still here fighting back and winning. It taught me a lot about the nature of the beast here though.

YOU NEED A PLAN girly. If you can hold out here long enough so that it's not detrimental to your girls schooling back in England, go and see a lawyer like I said earlier, find out your legal rights then get an agreement on what's rightfully yours. Get tough with OH, tell him you've been to see a lawyer and ask him how he fancies paying $60,000 in legal costs for the matter to go to trial if he doesn't play fair.

Set yourself a time limit on how long you can realistically stay here but in the meantime start preparing the way for you and your girls to create something to go back home with.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:47 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by Margaret3 View Post
I dunno what the answer is , cut your losses straight away or stick it out, i wish i had cut my losses as we just got worse and worse off financially, but then my OH was like the OP's said we hadn't been here long enough, which i thought he had a point! now 18 months i know ave been here too long, he wont go back, my 17 year old is settled, my 10 year old is unhappy and behind at school and i feel like i get up everyday here and get on that bloody treadmill, the future for us definately holds a split in the family!, but i can say, well i listened to oh, stayed and tried, didnt work!!
OMG....your situation mirrors mine exactly!! My 17 y.o. is behind his dad in staying here and my 11 y.o. daughter is all for going back with me! I too have been harping on to OH about the declining finances and for us to bail out before the worst....but will he listen? I'm with ya on that treadmill, day-in-day-out, until my plan for me and my daughter next year comes into effect - and it WILL happen, mark my words
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:54 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by Ruby Murray View Post
OMG....your situation mirrors mine exactly!! My 17 y.o. is behind his dad in staying here and my 11 y.o. daughter is all for going back with me! I too have been harping on to OH about the declining finances and for us to bail out before the worst....but will he listen? I'm with ya on that treadmill, day-in-day-out, until my plan for me and my daughter next year comes into effect - and it WILL happen, mark my words



omg, are you waiting until 17 year old finishes year 12, thats wot am doing
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:56 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by cricket1 View Post
Starting over is not easy anywhere. I was tricked by a devious husband into coming here 5 years and it cost me me everything including a huge divide in my family which I can't heal. If I could legally get my hands on my ex husband and just have 5 minutes giving him a slow agonising vasectomy experience without an anaesthetic, I would. BUT.....there is no use crying over spilt milk and my focus is now only on my huge success back up the ladder and back to Britain. I never think about the downside to avoid being sucked back into it, I only focus upwardly. I don't care about the spineless, corrupt, selfish toad that brought me out here, left me stranded with money, then tried to sue me for the lions share. Those days are gone, he's gone, I'm still here fighting back and winning. It taught me a lot about the nature of the beast here though.

YOU NEED A PLAN girly. If you can hold out here long enough so that it's not detrimental to your girls schooling back in England, go and see a lawyer like I said earlier, find out your legal rights then get an agreement on what's rightfully yours. Get tough with OH, tell him you've been to see a lawyer and ask him how he fancies paying $60,000 in legal costs for the matter to go to trial if he doesn't play fair.

Set yourself a time limit on how long you can realistically stay here but in the meantime start preparing the way for you and your girls to create something to go back home with.
I didn't get the impression this guy had tricked her though, he must just be a little perplexed at how things have worked out.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 12:05 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by Sally Redux View Post
I didn't get the impression this guy had tricked her though, he must just be a little perplexed at how things have worked out.
I wasn't suggesting he had tricked her. It's obviously not worked out for both of them. What I was trying to suggest was that she should put herself first and get some legal advice. He should too. Or work it out so it's fair on both sides.
My situation was very different but the process isn't. Once it's gone belly up, things change very quickly.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 12:09 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by Margaret3 View Post



omg, are you waiting until 17 year old finishes year 12, thats wot am doing
I am!! ....he graduates next May time and also turns 18 - a man in his own right and then, although it will be bitterly hard to do, I will have to respect his decision in wanting to stay here and I'll go back with my girl. I've told OH I'm starting to send money home to deposit into my UK bank account for our future. Are you going it alone too?
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 1:33 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Thanks for all the positive comments and advise, i really do appreciate it, it's certainly given me something to think about.

We've been married over 20 years, have 2 beautiful children and before we came here, didn't have a worry in the world - in the very short time we've been here, i've seen my two happy confident kids become withdrawn and depressed. As a mum who's always done everything for her children to make them happy and secure, (except coming here!), it's extremely hard to sit back and listen to your kids cry and beg to go back home, some people can do that, which is fine, i'm certainly not judging anyone, but i can't and i don't want to. Coming to Oz was to give my kids a better life, not to rob them of their zest for life, which is exactly what it's doing.

I could make them stay 6 months, a year, 2 years, and hope that they'll settle down, but what if they don't? At the moment they still consider England as home, I don't want them to grow up not knowing where they belong, and that's exactly what will happen if i were to make them stay. My eldest is 16 - she's not a young child, she's at a crucial time in her life education wise, not to mention the social aspect. Because we've not been gone too long, they will just slot back in, basically it's as if we've had an extended holiday. To take them back in several months,will be so much harder. I can't see the point in waiting when we KNOW it's not right for us here. The kids don't want to settle, which means they won't, and as soon as my daughter reaches 18 she'd be off back to England anyway.

I wish i'd known all this before we came, would've saved a load of heartache, but it's only by coming here that we've been able to appreciate what we had and gave up, a very expensive experience granted, not to mention the emotional turmoil we've all gone through. It's pushed my marriage to the limit, but it's not over til it's over, and i'm hoping that once we've gone back, he'll realise what he's given up and come back to England to be with us.

I'm under no illusions on what it's gonna be like when me and the kids get back - unemployed and skint - and going back to live in the same village where we owned our own house, had great jobs, two cars etc etc is gonna be extremely hard - as i said earlier, staying is the easy thing to do, going back is much worse, but it's not about me, it's what's best for my kids, and if i've got to be the talk of the place for a few days, weeks, then that's a price i'm willing to pay.

We came, we saw, we didn't like, we're going home to get our life back.

To be honest, i think the whole financial thing with my OH is his way of trying to make me stay. He's a good man, i love him dearly, i just don't think he's ready to admit to the world that it didn't work out - i think his pride is at stake, as well as fear that he won't be able to give us what we had before we left. What i can't make him understand is that going back is not a failure - there's two of us in this relationship and if we don't earn what we did before, then so what? at least we'll be together and we'll have our 2 happy children back.

Sorry for going on and on...................... I just wanted to put the record straight.

I sincerely hope it works out for everyone who isn't happy and wants to go back, it's not easy, but if i can do it anyone can.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 1:42 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
Thanks for all the positive comments and advise, i really do appreciate it, it's certainly given me something to think about.

We've been married over 20 years, have 2 beautiful children and before we came here, didn't have a worry in the world - in the very short time we've been here, i've seen my two happy confident kids become withdrawn and depressed. As a mum who's always done everything for her children to make them happy and secure, (except coming here!), it's extremely hard to sit back and listen to your kids cry and beg to go back home, some people can do that, which is fine, i'm certainly not judging anyone, but i can't and i don't want to. Coming to Oz was to give my kids a better life, not to rob them of their zest for life, which is exactly what it's doing.

I could make them stay 6 months, a year, 2 years, and hope that they'll settle down, but what if they don't? At the moment they still consider England as home, I don't want them to grow up not knowing where they belong, and that's exactly what will happen if i were to make them stay. My eldest is 16 - she's not a young child, she's at a crucial time in her life education wise, not to mention the social aspect. Because we've not been gone too long, they will just slot back in, basically it's as if we've had an extended holiday. To take them back in several months,will be so much harder. I can't see the point in waiting when we KNOW it's not right for us here. The kids don't want to settle, which means they won't, and as soon as my daughter reaches 18 she'd be off back to England anyway.

I wish i'd known all this before we came, would've saved a load of heartache, but it's only by coming here that we've been able to appreciate what we had and gave up, a very expensive experience granted, not to mention the emotional turmoil we've all gone through. It's pushed my marriage to the limit, but it's not over til it's over, and i'm hoping that once we've gone back, he'll realise what he's given up and come back to England to be with us.

I'm under no illusions on what it's gonna be like when me and the kids get back - unemployed and skint - and going back to live in the same village where we owned our own house, had great jobs, two cars etc etc is gonna be extremely hard - as i said earlier, staying is the easy thing to do, going back is much worse, but it's not about me, it's what's best for my kids, and if i've got to be the talk of the place for a few days, weeks, then that's a price i'm willing to pay.

We came, we saw, we didn't like, we're going home to get our life back.

To be honest, i think the whole financial thing with my OH is his way of trying to make me stay. He's a good man, i love him dearly, i just don't think he's ready to admit to the world that it didn't work out - i think his pride is at stake, as well as fear that he won't be able to give us what we had before we left. What i can't make him understand is that going back is not a failure - there's two of us in this relationship and if we don't earn what we did before, then so what? at least we'll be together and we'll have our 2 happy children back.

Sorry for going on and on...................... I just wanted to put the record straight.

I sincerely hope it works out for everyone who isn't happy and wants to go back, it's not easy, but if i can do it anyone can.


Think about everything you've got together. Don't let this bad experience tear you apart, you've got too much history and love to let it all go to ruin. Go and see a family mediator together and get talking to find ways of compromise. Put your love and marriage first.
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 3:16 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Mary - I genuinely hope that things work out well for you and your family.

I do still think that you are being too hasty, and I hope that you will forgive me for posting these links to a couple of your old posts.

I am not doing this to bug you or annoy you, and if you want me to edit the post and remove them, I will. There are two reasons why I'm posting them:
1) I genuinely think that you should consider staying a bit longer before making your decision, and perhaps these old posts might make you reconsider.
2) I think that these posts show that moving to the other side of the world is sometimes harder that we can anticipate. There will be a few people in the UK who should really consider your experiences carefully, because they demonstrate that making the move can be very tough.

best of luck,
Mark


http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...35#post6799035

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...33#post6806833

http://britishexpats.com/forum/showt...88#post6869388

ps - the point of posting the links was to show that it was only very recently that you were prepared to stay for 2yrs whether you hated it or not and that you knew that the kids might be very unhappy at first.... and also that perhaps you were a little unsure about the whole move in the first place.

Last edited by asprilla; Dec 4th 2008 at 3:19 am. Reason: added the "ps" bit
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Old Dec 4th 2008, 4:30 am
  #45  
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
As for needing an excuse to leave - staying is the easy option, leaving is much harder.
Whatever you need to do or say to justify this to yourself, then you just go with it.
Good luck
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