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40 days and we're going back, help required!

40 days and we're going back, help required!

Old Dec 3rd 2008, 3:26 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by BigDavyG View Post
I sympathise a lot with anyone who has troubles after moving, but I'm sorry, packing it in after 40 days is absolutely ridiculous.
Of course your attitude could be influencing the kids (who will obviously find it tough at first - just like everyone else), and your post makes it sound like you are using them as an excuse to leave.
Have to agree with you there Davy.

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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 3:27 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

is there no way you could stay a bit longer and see how you feel? I felt like crying for months but didn eventually settle down. Is it worth breaking up your marriage?
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 4:20 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Australia is definately a mans country. Beer, soccer, fishing and food. It is harder on the women to settle. I tend to agree, even though i understand how depressed you feel, that it is early days.
There isn't going to be a happy ending either way at the moment because both situations involve a loss of some kind. I'd definately be staying to get the finances sorted out though.
You've got to be careful you're not running away just to escape being unhappy.
You've got some idea of the nature of the beast by how your OH intends to divide any assets so if anything his attitude is only going to become harder once you're on a plane back to England.
I know some people say money isn't everything but I'm sorry, I think money is a big issue when you're having to start your life again from scratch.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 4:23 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by Petals View Post
Good luck sorry it did not work for you.

Should be a lesson to others that the men usually like it and do not want to leave.
This seems to be the story of this forum. I don't think I've seen a single thread in over 3yrs by a man that says he wants to go home, but the rest of his family (wife included) want to stay.

Every single time, it seems to be either
a) guy likes it, rest of family want to go home, or
b) guy and kids like it, wife wants to go home.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 4:33 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by markallwood View Post
This seems to be the story of this forum. I don't think I've seen a single thread in over 3yrs by a man that says he wants to go home, but the rest of his family (wife included) want to stay.

Every single time, it seems to be either
a) guy likes it, rest of family want to go home, or
b) guy and kids like it, wife wants to go home.
Arkon?
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 7:03 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by BigDavyG View Post
I sympathise a lot with anyone who has troubles after moving, but I'm sorry, packing it in after 40 days is absolutely ridiculous.
Of course your attitude could be influencing the kids (who will obviously find it tough at first - just like everyone else), and your post makes it sound like you are using them as an excuse to leave.
HJave you thought about going to the citizens advice centre near to where you live? they may be able to help. good luck with all you finally do. Life is too short to be so unhappy.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 7:12 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
Well, i wish i'd found this forum before i left the UK, but i was so engrossed in actually getting to Oz that the immigration forum became my second home.

Anyway, that was then, this is now............and basically, within 2 weeks of getting here i'd realised i'd made a massive mistake. My OH and friends think i'm mad, apparently everyone goes through the emotions i'm feeling i'm told, which i could accept if it was just me, but i've got 2 teenage kids who hate it and want to go back. Apparently my negative attitude has made my kids feel the way they do, bullsh*t, they're young adults in their own right and they know they had a good life filled with lovely friends in the UK, which they haven't got here. We could give it time, we could waste a few years, and then we'd be back to square one, but this time it'll be harder to get my kids back on track with their education.

Going back is right for me and the kids - it's just heartbreaking that my OH doesn't want to come back - I've now booked flights for me and the girls and we'll be leaving on the 28th December. I'm not sure what the future holds - (unemployment and no money seems highly likely), but i'm just hoping that once the kids get back, they'll become the happy confident kids they were before we got here and i'll be able to forgive myself for putting us all through this nightmare.

I was wondering whether anyone could give me advise about what i could claim when i get back if i can't find work? Does being out of the country for less than 12 weeks mean i'll have to take the Habitual test? Will the equity from the house sale that we brought to Oz and am now gonna have to share with my OH, mean i can't get help? (it's not much, just a few thousand).

I don't relish the thought of applying for benefits, i've paid into the system for 26 years and never claimed a penny apart from child benefit, but i guess if i've got no other choice then that's what i'll have to do, even if it means swallowing my pride.

Any advise would be appreciated.
I think you are allowed up to 8000 in savings. I wouldnt be too worried about going on benefits you have paid into the system like us all. I stayed in N.Z. for 7 years stuck it out but wished i hadnt bothered in hindsight but we are all wise after the event. Good luck anyway.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 10:12 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by dingbat View Post
Duh? Once you leave Aus, you might as well kiss goodbye to your share of the equity. He is under no compulsion to give you jack unless you can afford a fancy solicitor in Aus (not the UK) to handle your interest. You have the kids with you, if anything you should be taking more of the equity than he gets left with! Otherwise have your share put in trust with a solicitor before you leave.

You will get penalised on the benefit front as you realised equity when you left the UK. I cannot understand why the bank account is in your husband's sole name - is this not your money too? Be advised that you may also need to get a letter of permission from your husband to leave with the kids (at the very least you will need a letter for the one under sixteen).
I didn't apply for a TFN number cause i wasn't working, didn't realise i could still have one until the money was in the bank!

Why would i need a letter? Who would stop me taking them, especially if he has no ojection? or do you mean to protect my interests if he suddenly decides they can't go?

Originally Posted by BigDavyG View Post
I sympathise a lot with anyone who has troubles after moving, but I'm sorry, packing it in after 40 days is absolutely ridiculous.
Of course your attitude could be influencing the kids (who will obviously find it tough at first - just like everyone else), and your post makes it sound like you are using them as an excuse to leave.
I'm glad you're sorry, but don't i don't accept your apology, the words 'go forth and multiply spring to mind'. I didn't ask for your sympathy, i'm sure others don't want that either, what we do want, however, is the advise we orginally asked for, not some know it all who likes the sound of his own voice. Personally, I think you're abolsultely ridculous and completely insensitive, and as you don't know me or my situation (thank god!), i'd suggest you keep your trap shut. As for needing an excuse to leave - staying is the easy option, leaving is much harder.


Originally Posted by cricket1 View Post
Australia is definately a mans country. Beer, soccer, fishing and food. It is harder on the women to settle. I tend to agree, even though i understand how depressed you feel, that it is early days.
There isn't going to be a happy ending either way at the moment because both situations involve a loss of some kind. I'd definately be staying to get the finances sorted out though.
You've got to be careful you're not running away just to escape being unhappy.
You've got some idea of the nature of the beast by how your OH intends to divide any assets so if anything his attitude is only going to become harder once you're on a plane back to England.
I know some people say money isn't everything but I'm sorry, I think money is a big issue when you're having to start your life again from scratch.

Thanks for the advise - at least i've got something to work on now.

Originally Posted by Patrick2007 View Post
I think you are allowed up to 8000 in savings. I wouldnt be too worried about going on benefits you have paid into the system like us all. I stayed in N.Z. for 7 years stuck it out but wished i hadnt bothered in hindsight but we are all wise after the event. Good luck anyway.

Thanks for that.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 10:21 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
Thanks for all of your messages, i really appreciate you taking the time to write.

My kids are 16 and 13, which is why i've decided to go back sooner than later. I've been in touch with my eldest daughters old school and they've said they'd love to have her in their 6th form. My younger daughter has been given her old place back in year 8. I'm hoping that they'll just slot back in with their old friends, who've continued to keep in touch with them both.

The big thing for them is not having their dad around, we've discussed it, but i don't think anything can actually prepare them when it happens. My OH wants to give it between 6 to 12 months before admitting defeat, whether we feel the same about each other if he does come back remains to be seen, only time will tell. I don't blame him for his decision, as i hope he doesn't blame me for mine, i just feel incredibly sad that it's come to this.

I've spoke to loads of people who've told me that it took ages for their kids to settle, but that once they did, they wouldn't go back, which has probably kept me here longer than 2 weeks but, i know my kids, i know the life they had in the UK and it was a good life, small village, brilliant school, great friends........why did we leave??? I've been beating myself up for bringing us here, for setting us back 15 years financially and for splitting up my family - even if it turns out to be only 6 months - but now that i've made the decision to go back, i've stopped going over what we've lost and i've started to plan for the future.

I've got no family in the UK (one of the reasons for coming here), although i have got friends, infact, i've just found out that i've been offered the tenancy on a house in the village i use to live in after a couple of friends went to view it on my behalf. It means paying 6 months up front but at least it's a roof over our heads.

I've also been in touch with our old GP and Dentist and both of them have still got me and the kids on their register

My OH told me last night that he wants to keep more of the equity than what we'd originally agreed. Unfortunately the equity's in a bank account is his name only and i can't get my hands on it. He said that he'll pay for the flights, our 6 months rent and give me enough to live on for 6 months, but that's it. He wants to keep the rest of the equity here until he's decided what he wants to do and then if he decides to stay, he'll split it between us. I don't want to get solicitors involved because who's to say that he won't change his mind in the next few months, realise he's been a complete prat, and then want to come back to England. My problem now is, if i can't get work when i go back to the UK and end up having to claim benefit, will i be penalised for the fact that we sold the house, took the equity to Oz, but i've been unable to bring back my full share because my OH has refused to release the funds?

And i thought planning to get to Oz was a nightmare!
Hi Mary great news yeah about the rental and schools
Personally i dont think you will get penalised by the benefits department....unless you have over the accepted amount in savings.
You have split up, you have had to return to the Uk with your kids and any moneys you did have, have had to go as a deposit on your rental simple as....Dingbat is right in saying you may need a letter from OH giving you permission to return with your kids....

And i can understand why you dont want to rock the boat with OH on the money issue But at the end of the day you have to look after yourself and your kids....While he has control of the money he in a sense, still has some control over you.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 10:38 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by sans View Post
Hi Mary great news yeah about the rental and schools
Personally i dont think you will get penalised by the benefits department....unless you have over the accepted amount in savings.
You have split up, you have had to return to the Uk with your kids and any moneys you did have, have had to go as a deposit on your rental simple as....Dingbat is right in saying you may need a letter from OH giving you permission to return with your kids....

And i can understand why you dont want to rock the boat with OH on the money issue But at the end of the day you have to look after yourself and your kids....While he has control of the money he in a sense, still has some control over you.

Thanks Sans. My OH had a good talk to the girls today and he's now admitted that i'm doing the right thing taking them back

My brother in law rang me today while my OH was out, i thought he was gonna have a right go and defend his brother etc ect, but he didn't - he knows my kids and he just said, get yourselves home asap, you've had a go, doesn't matter if it's 2 weeks or 2 years, life is too short to be so miserable so don't torture yourselves anymore, my brother is being a pratt, but i'm sure he'll come to his senses and return within a few months. He also said how proud of me he was for putting the kids interest first - made me feel loads better, especially after the post from MrInsenstiveHead.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 10:42 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by Sally Redux View Post
Have to agree with you there Davy.


Fortunately , Sal, i don't give a toss what you think............................
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:14 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

The thing is Mary, if you're going to ask for help on a forum, you are going to get a mixed bag of answers some of which you won't like. It seems possible to conclude that your partner and yourself were not happy before you arrived in Australia. Therefore you want to go home and he's not arguing. I'm not sure where your girls fit into all this. Maybe to protect their long term interests you need to seek mediation, which is free, to sort out their long term care arrangements both emotionally and financially.
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:30 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
Thanks Sans. My OH had a good talk to the girls today and he's now admitted that i'm doing the right thing taking them back

My brother in law rang me today while my OH was out, i thought he was gonna have a right go and defend his brother etc ect, but he didn't - he knows my kids and he just said, get yourselves home asap, you've had a go, doesn't matter if it's 2 weeks or 2 years, life is too short to be so miserable so don't torture yourselves anymore, my brother is being a pratt, but i'm sure he'll come to his senses and return within a few months. He also said how proud of me he was for putting the kids interest first - made me feel loads better, especially after the post from MrInsenstiveHead.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks....They are not living your life, their will always be those that think.. if you dont do as they do ,think as they think, then your in the wrong.

Personally i take my hat off to you, i think you are very brave for going it alone and sticking to what you believe is right for you and yours....
And i genuinely hope it all turns out for the best and your OH realises that their is more to life then just him

Good Luck xx
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 11:40 am
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

When we moved here, the first thing I wanted to do was move back to the UK. As it was, I went back after 4 weeks (had already planned to do so as had some family things to go to and had to get the house packed up and shipped off). Coming back to Australia after that was hard.

My husband did say to me in those first few weeks (when I couldn't stop crying and just wanted to run away) that if I went back to the UK then he would stay behind. So I had the choice of staying and giving it a fair go or moving back and taking my then-2-yr-old away from her Daddy. It was hard, but I stayed... it took almost 1 yr for me to start to feel "settled" here.

It was so hard at first, and like others have said, I reckon it's a lot harder on us women-folk.

But if you've got your heart set on leaving your marriage, I wish you and your children the best of luck. As someone else mentioned, you may need written proof that your ex is happy for you to take the children out of the country - especially on a permanent basis. I think it depends on if you're married or not - I've heard of people in the US who (even when still together) have had to have written proof from the dad to take the kids overseas for a holiday. Hope that makes sense.

Best of luck to you
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Old Dec 3rd 2008, 2:59 pm
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Default Re: 40 days and we're going back, help required!

Originally Posted by mary1967 View Post
Fortunately , Sal, i don't give a toss what you think............................
I can see you have already upset people on here with your decision, but remember i would go as far as to say most people have burned their bridges and cannot return home. You on the other hand can. Imagine having no funds you would be in it then. Look at it another way,you change your mind and decide to stay, in a few years your kids decide to go home anyway visit etc. No picture yourself there? Providing life is rosy and you are skipping along hand in hand and fully embraced Aussie culture thats fine you know what the other side of the coin would bring. Just a thought
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