I've just told my parents
Apr 24th 2007, 3:59 pm
#46
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 273
Re: I've just told my parents
Just thought I would share mt experiences with you.. I am an only child and my Dad died aged 59 (11 years ago). My Mum is fairly disabled with arthritis. I think they go through a real separation anxiety from day 1 of your intended immigration. I had a terrible time with Mum from threats from her that it would be the end of her if I left, to her trying to persuade the children that it would be a really bad move for them,
You have to be really tough, I had to ignore many comments and put up a screen almost.I had lots of comments from so-called friends and relatives who could not believe that I was leaving my Mum to cope. Others were more supportive and one comment that I will never forget is that our parents bring us into this world to be individuals not their carers.
Leaving was MUCH harder than I thought it would be, for 48 hours before the flight I was beside myself, leaving her house was unexplainable but I was so determined in my heart that it was what I wanted to do for my family. Silly as it seems I cried all the way from Birmingham to Heathrow and so did the kids (15 and 13).
The good thing now is that as daft as it may seem our relationship now is better than it has been for years, we speak for several hours a week (thank goodness for yaba) and I think she has now come to terms with things. She plans to come here for a few weeks soon and then to stay for 6 months in November (she will use wheelchair assist to flight). We have so much more to talk about when I speak to her and generally we just seem closer
(I know that may seem odd but its true).
So if in your heart you really want to make the move be strong and good luck
LOL
Dawn
You have to be really tough, I had to ignore many comments and put up a screen almost.I had lots of comments from so-called friends and relatives who could not believe that I was leaving my Mum to cope. Others were more supportive and one comment that I will never forget is that our parents bring us into this world to be individuals not their carers.
Leaving was MUCH harder than I thought it would be, for 48 hours before the flight I was beside myself, leaving her house was unexplainable but I was so determined in my heart that it was what I wanted to do for my family. Silly as it seems I cried all the way from Birmingham to Heathrow and so did the kids (15 and 13).
The good thing now is that as daft as it may seem our relationship now is better than it has been for years, we speak for several hours a week (thank goodness for yaba) and I think she has now come to terms with things. She plans to come here for a few weeks soon and then to stay for 6 months in November (she will use wheelchair assist to flight). We have so much more to talk about when I speak to her and generally we just seem closer
(I know that may seem odd but its true).
So if in your heart you really want to make the move be strong and good luck
LOL
Dawn
My mum hates change and is so set in her ways, every single thing is routine from the time she gets up to the time she goes to bed. Her weekends are exactly the same and have been for well over 20 yrs. She goes to the same shopping centre every saturday whether she has anything to buy or not. She will never do anything spontaneous including visit us when we go to NZ. Its so sad she has to be like this as it kinda takes the excitement out of going.
Apr 24th 2007, 8:00 pm
#47
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Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Directly above the centre of the earth...
Posts: 106
Re: I've just told my parents
I think telling my mum was easy in comparison to having to say that actual goodbye when the time comes. For my OH's mum it wont be a goodbye, more like, until then.
My mum hates change and is so set in her ways, every single thing is routine from the time she gets up to the time she goes to bed. Her weekends are exactly the same and have been for well over 20 yrs. She goes to the same shopping centre every saturday whether she has anything to buy or not. She will never do anything spontaneous including visit us when we go to NZ. Its so sad she has to be like this as it kinda takes the excitement out of going.
My mum hates change and is so set in her ways, every single thing is routine from the time she gets up to the time she goes to bed. Her weekends are exactly the same and have been for well over 20 yrs. She goes to the same shopping centre every saturday whether she has anything to buy or not. She will never do anything spontaneous including visit us when we go to NZ. Its so sad she has to be like this as it kinda takes the excitement out of going.
Told my dad, who lived 2 miles away & never visited even though i am the Father to his only Grandson. Dont get me wrong, we are close, but only in a "i need a plug changing" kinda of way, my step mum spent years driving a wedge between us that was hard to shake.
He went ashen, and VERY quiet, but by the time we left an hour later was very happy for us. Having recently split fron my step mother, financially he wont be here for another 7 years for a visit.
My Grandparents, who i am closer too were made up, after initial scowls from my Gran, my Grandad always wanted to take the boat to OZ in the 50's but my Gran would not go with 3 under fives in tow, so he understood. The night before we flew, he shook my hand and basically sai "good Luck, i probably wont see you again" & sadly he is probably right. Phoned him on his 90th last week and it was great!!!
My other Grandparents were spot on too.
Mrs Apple Tree's experience
Again, the only Grandchild, & regular contact with Nana Tree, there were tears, but the support was amazing, and from her step Dad, And Her Dad seemed indifferent, but supportive in a blokey way!!
Nana Tree has visited, and she knows we have done the right thing.
I think it explains the calmness on the trip to the airport, our families supported us & our decision.
Same from al our friends, i think thry were jelous!!!!
I am sorry for those that didnt get that response from their families, bloody selfish IMVHO, maybe you should show them this thread?
Apr 25th 2007, 7:38 pm
#48
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Joined: Apr 2007
Location: Wellington
Posts: 72
Re: I've just told my parents
Leighlou,
You're right - the reality is probably not as bad as thinking about it. I hope my parents will be out to visit. They hate winter in the UK and so I have been bribing them with the idea of summer in the UK and then summer in NZ. I have also told them we will have a huge house for everyone to stay - just hope we can find something huge we can afford.
We've still not heard anything from immigration so that it my main concern at the moment
Thanks for the positive words
Kim
You're right - the reality is probably not as bad as thinking about it. I hope my parents will be out to visit. They hate winter in the UK and so I have been bribing them with the idea of summer in the UK and then summer in NZ. I have also told them we will have a huge house for everyone to stay - just hope we can find something huge we can afford.
We've still not heard anything from immigration so that it my main concern at the moment
Thanks for the positive words
Kim
Last edited by mark and kim; Apr 25th 2007 at 7:40 pm.
Apr 26th 2007, 12:27 am
#49
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Joined: Mar 2007
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 217
Re: I've just told my parents
Leighlou,
You're right - the reality is probably not as bad as thinking about it. I hope my parents will be out to visit. They hate winter in the UK and so I have been bribing them with the idea of summer in the UK and then summer in NZ. I have also told them we will have a huge house for everyone to stay - just hope we can find something huge we can afford.
We've still not heard anything from immigration so that it my main concern at the moment
Thanks for the positive words
Kim
You're right - the reality is probably not as bad as thinking about it. I hope my parents will be out to visit. They hate winter in the UK and so I have been bribing them with the idea of summer in the UK and then summer in NZ. I have also told them we will have a huge house for everyone to stay - just hope we can find something huge we can afford.
We've still not heard anything from immigration so that it my main concern at the moment
Thanks for the positive words
Kim
Ach well! They'll just have to slum it. 
Where are you at on immigration? We've just been thrown unceremoniously back into the pool. Now only have 105 point and don't imagine we are ever going to be selected :curse: . But a little reason like a visa aint ganna stop us!
Apr 26th 2007, 6:15 pm
#50
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Joined: Apr 2007
Location: Wellington
Posts: 72
Re: I've just told my parents
Leighlou,
Exciting news
we have just got an immigration officer today. We submitted EOI in February and got selected from the pool with 140 points. Since then I have received a job offer. But it has still taken 10 weeks from the EOI being selected to getting the officer assigned. Anyway we have one now so - yippee!! 
. Now things can really get moving.
Kim
Exciting news
we have just got an immigration officer today. We submitted EOI in February and got selected from the pool with 140 points. Since then I have received a job offer. But it has still taken 10 weeks from the EOI being selected to getting the officer assigned. Anyway we have one now so - yippee!! . Now things can really get moving. Kim
Apr 26th 2007, 9:05 pm
#51
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Joined: Apr 2007
Location: Hertfordshire
Posts: 592
Re: I've just told my parents
Leighlou,
Exciting news we have just got an immigration officer today. We submitted EOI in February and got selected from the pool with 140 points. Since then I have received a job offer. But it has still taken 10 weeks from the EOI being selected to getting the officer assigned. Anyway we have one now so - yippee!! Now things can really get moving.
Kim
Exciting news
we have just got an immigration officer today. We submitted EOI in February and got selected from the pool with 140 points. Since then I have received a job offer. But it has still taken 10 weeks from the EOI being selected to getting the officer assigned. Anyway we have one now so - yippee!! Now things can really get moving. Kim
Not that I'm jealous or anything!
Apr 26th 2007, 9:30 pm
#52
Forum Regular
Joined: Mar 2007
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 217
Re: I've just told my parents
Leighlou,
Exciting news we have just got an immigration officer today. We submitted EOI in February and got selected from the pool with 140 points. Since then I have received a job offer. But it has still taken 10 weeks from the EOI being selected to getting the officer assigned. Anyway we have one now so - yippee!! . Now things can really get moving.
Kim
Exciting news
we have just got an immigration officer today. We submitted EOI in February and got selected from the pool with 140 points. Since then I have received a job offer. But it has still taken 10 weeks from the EOI being selected to getting the officer assigned. Anyway we have one now so - yippee!! . Now things can really get moving. Kim
Apr 27th 2007, 3:29 am
#53
Dragging 4 kids with us..
Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Wellington
Posts: 73
Re: I've just told my parents
It's natural to feel guilty. You never want your folks to feel bad and you know in advance that moving to the other side of the world is going to hurt them.
It's bit like when you've been in trouble at school and you know you should tell them before the school calls them... it's that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach.
We have 4 kids. When we left for NZ, they were 10, 8, 6 and 8 months - we've only been here just over a month.
My wife's parents were a street away - we saw them every day, my kids would greet them every single day as if they hadn't seen them for an eternity. It was a wonderful and heartwarming experience to be part of everyday.. kids who really and truly loved their grand parents and their upbringing was the better for it... and so we decided to wrench them away from all of that and pack them off to Wellington.
My mother is quite a bit older than my in-laws and there was always the feeling that when we went and said goodbye to her, it could quite possible be goodbye in the truest sense of the word. Her age, her health and the distance could mean that we would never see her again.
Both sets of parents had been fabulously supportive throughout our migration and application process, keeping interested and rarely making us feel guilty - we had been very lucky.
So, when you enter the final stretch and everyone is tense from moving preparations and nerves from leaving for a new life - that's when it gets tricky. We travelled to see my mother and had a fabulous weekend with her. On the day we had to return, we were packing the car and getting everyone ready, and my mother was helping out by holding our youngest.
As we reached the... "I think we need to make a move" time of the day, I looked over to my mother who had been holding my baby son on her lap, her youngest and probably last grand child, and all the time whilst we had been rushing around her, she had been crying silently. Tears were streaming down her face and landing on my little boy who was held tightly against her. In 38 years I had only ever seen her cry once before and here I was breaking her heart. She kissed my son on the head and whilst handing him back to us, she asked us to take care of our children.
At that moment in time I could have changed my mind and decided we weren't going anywhere.
A couple of days later we are at home and getting ready for our trip to the airport. Again, Jule's parents had been fabulous and making everything sound wonderful and exciting so as not to getthe kids upset. Everything is going swimmingly, we have packed the taxis (one for us, one for the luggage) and we have even managed to say our goodbyes without too much emotion... then just as the taxis start to pull away... Jules sees her parents completely breakdown, holding each other and sobbing as they watch their four grandchildren set off for another life.
Both sets of parents understand why we're doing it, and even agree with us doing it... no arguments, no accusations, no criticism, but it doesn't hurt them any less.
You will cause your family pain. Accept it and be strong. Look at your children and think of the life you are about to give them. No one will begrudge you that - they just can't see it yet.
Good luck.
It's bit like when you've been in trouble at school and you know you should tell them before the school calls them... it's that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach.
We have 4 kids. When we left for NZ, they were 10, 8, 6 and 8 months - we've only been here just over a month.
My wife's parents were a street away - we saw them every day, my kids would greet them every single day as if they hadn't seen them for an eternity. It was a wonderful and heartwarming experience to be part of everyday.. kids who really and truly loved their grand parents and their upbringing was the better for it... and so we decided to wrench them away from all of that and pack them off to Wellington.
My mother is quite a bit older than my in-laws and there was always the feeling that when we went and said goodbye to her, it could quite possible be goodbye in the truest sense of the word. Her age, her health and the distance could mean that we would never see her again.
Both sets of parents had been fabulously supportive throughout our migration and application process, keeping interested and rarely making us feel guilty - we had been very lucky.
So, when you enter the final stretch and everyone is tense from moving preparations and nerves from leaving for a new life - that's when it gets tricky. We travelled to see my mother and had a fabulous weekend with her. On the day we had to return, we were packing the car and getting everyone ready, and my mother was helping out by holding our youngest.
As we reached the... "I think we need to make a move" time of the day, I looked over to my mother who had been holding my baby son on her lap, her youngest and probably last grand child, and all the time whilst we had been rushing around her, she had been crying silently. Tears were streaming down her face and landing on my little boy who was held tightly against her. In 38 years I had only ever seen her cry once before and here I was breaking her heart. She kissed my son on the head and whilst handing him back to us, she asked us to take care of our children.
At that moment in time I could have changed my mind and decided we weren't going anywhere.
A couple of days later we are at home and getting ready for our trip to the airport. Again, Jule's parents had been fabulous and making everything sound wonderful and exciting so as not to getthe kids upset. Everything is going swimmingly, we have packed the taxis (one for us, one for the luggage) and we have even managed to say our goodbyes without too much emotion... then just as the taxis start to pull away... Jules sees her parents completely breakdown, holding each other and sobbing as they watch their four grandchildren set off for another life.
Both sets of parents understand why we're doing it, and even agree with us doing it... no arguments, no accusations, no criticism, but it doesn't hurt them any less.
You will cause your family pain. Accept it and be strong. Look at your children and think of the life you are about to give them. No one will begrudge you that - they just can't see it yet.
Good luck.
Last edited by Jules & Danny; Apr 27th 2007 at 3:31 am.
Apr 27th 2007, 4:33 am
#54
NZ ways is best ways :0)
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 1,109
Re: I've just told my parents
Oh my god.
I am at work at the mo, and had to stop reading as i was welling up and the phone was ringing.
We decided to move abroad and briefly looked at Perth as i have family there, but when we were told I couldn't teach there, my mum thought that would be the end of it. Fortunately for us we decided to go with our first plan of Christchurch and forged ahead using an agent.
Even when we had paid a vast sum of money to them, my best friend and my mum still didn't really belive it would happen. It was only untill the flights were booked that i think it really sunk in.
Andy's parents were really happy for us and excited about the flights, as was my dad in a sedate way. My sister was great aswell because she is thinking of the same thing and realises how exciting it is. However, my mum started to tell me she would have nothing to live for with out me(we are quite close) and when my sister comes over as well it will be a million times worst.
I closed my own emotions off quite early as i felt it would be better and easier to deal with. It worked well for a while and it was only just before our leaving party-2 weeks before we left- that my sister and i had a massive arguement about me not loving her as she felt i didn't seem that bothered about leaving. It hurt so much! I tried to explain how leaving her would be the single most difficult thing for me to do, and I thought it was better than spending the last month crying the whole time! I am glad we had that arguement now because, even though i cried for the whole new years eve, we are happy for one another!
When I saw how cut up my mum was, i felt so bad for hurting her. You never want to purposely hurt your family and close friends, but when you do this, you do. I felt i could have stopped their hurting and sadness if i wasn't so selfish by wanting to move here. It made me think if this was such a good move, then why did I feel so bad, and why did it cause so much hurt?
My parents decided not to come to the airport, it was hard enough saying good bye at the house! My mum couldn't deal with it and left early. But my sister came,my best friend and andys parents(they are like rocks and have been so good to us!)
It has taken me a long time to realise it is not a bad thing to want a better life for yourself- but I don't quite think I can ever forget the hurt I have caused, and now try very hard to make it up to them.
Wow- I feel much better. It is good to share-sorry its so long.
Toni
I am at work at the mo, and had to stop reading as i was welling up and the phone was ringing.
We decided to move abroad and briefly looked at Perth as i have family there, but when we were told I couldn't teach there, my mum thought that would be the end of it. Fortunately for us we decided to go with our first plan of Christchurch and forged ahead using an agent.
Even when we had paid a vast sum of money to them, my best friend and my mum still didn't really belive it would happen. It was only untill the flights were booked that i think it really sunk in.
Andy's parents were really happy for us and excited about the flights, as was my dad in a sedate way. My sister was great aswell because she is thinking of the same thing and realises how exciting it is. However, my mum started to tell me she would have nothing to live for with out me(we are quite close) and when my sister comes over as well it will be a million times worst.
I closed my own emotions off quite early as i felt it would be better and easier to deal with. It worked well for a while and it was only just before our leaving party-2 weeks before we left- that my sister and i had a massive arguement about me not loving her as she felt i didn't seem that bothered about leaving. It hurt so much! I tried to explain how leaving her would be the single most difficult thing for me to do, and I thought it was better than spending the last month crying the whole time! I am glad we had that arguement now because, even though i cried for the whole new years eve, we are happy for one another!
When I saw how cut up my mum was, i felt so bad for hurting her. You never want to purposely hurt your family and close friends, but when you do this, you do. I felt i could have stopped their hurting and sadness if i wasn't so selfish by wanting to move here. It made me think if this was such a good move, then why did I feel so bad, and why did it cause so much hurt?
My parents decided not to come to the airport, it was hard enough saying good bye at the house! My mum couldn't deal with it and left early. But my sister came,my best friend and andys parents(they are like rocks and have been so good to us!)
It has taken me a long time to realise it is not a bad thing to want a better life for yourself- but I don't quite think I can ever forget the hurt I have caused, and now try very hard to make it up to them.
Wow- I feel much better. It is good to share-sorry its so long.
Toni
Last edited by Wiz'n'Ton; Apr 27th 2007 at 4:50 am.
Apr 27th 2007, 4:47 am
#55
Dragging 4 kids with us..
Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Wellington
Posts: 73
Re: I've just told my parents
This week was a bit easier because we had the ANZAC holiday in between, but i am expecting a few tears to to be shed atthe odd times she finds herself alone during the day...
She's held it together so well, that I am waiting for the explosion of tears and the outpouring of emotion any time soon. As a typical bloke, I'll stand their pathetically saying "It'll be alright..." and just hoping it all stops soon.
Apr 27th 2007, 4:55 am
#56
NZ ways is best ways :0)
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 1,109
Re: I've just told my parents
It's not so pathetic saying it will be alright, because that is what we need to hear sometimes- and i have had my fair share since we have been here! That what is sometimes good about blokes- I didn't need andy to sort anything out, just to reassure and hold me. It an emotional thing this emmigrating!
Apr 27th 2007, 5:24 am
#57
Country Member
Joined: May 2003
Location: Moved from Georgetown to Round Rock, Texas. 15 miles closer to civilization.
Posts: 936
Re: I've just told my parents
But 6 months passed and they cancelled that trip, had a nice 60th doo. I brought my daughter back for that and for Xmas and guess what. It turns out that Texas isn't too far for a couple of 80 year olds to travel. They came last month, had a great time. They saw that we have a nice house, their precious grand-daughter is doing great at school and has heaps more friends than she ever did in England and after they went back home my dad called me and said that they both can now see that we did the right thing.
So hang in there, hopefully things will work out fine. But the most important thing to remember is that it's your life, not theirs. So never ever, ever feel guilty for doing what you think is right.
Apr 27th 2007, 11:20 am
#58
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Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 273
Re: I've just told my parents
We had the same thing. My parents even booked to go away when it was their 60th wedding anniversary so that we couldn't come back for a party.
But 6 months passed and they cancelled that trip, had a nice 60th doo. I brought my daughter back for that and for Xmas and guess what. It turns out that Texas isn't too far for a couple of 80 year olds to travel. They came last month, had a great time. They saw that we have a nice house, their precious grand-daughter is doing great at school and has heaps more friends than she ever did in England and after they went back home my dad called me and said that they both can now see that we did the right thing.
So hang in there, hopefully things will work out fine. But the most important thing to remember is that it's your life, not theirs. So never ever, ever feel guilty for doing what you think is right.
But 6 months passed and they cancelled that trip, had a nice 60th doo. I brought my daughter back for that and for Xmas and guess what. It turns out that Texas isn't too far for a couple of 80 year olds to travel. They came last month, had a great time. They saw that we have a nice house, their precious grand-daughter is doing great at school and has heaps more friends than she ever did in England and after they went back home my dad called me and said that they both can now see that we did the right thing.
So hang in there, hopefully things will work out fine. But the most important thing to remember is that it's your life, not theirs. So never ever, ever feel guilty for doing what you think is right.
I think I am at the point in the process of realising that its really going to happen. I am finding myself in certain situations when people are talking about things they are planning to do in a few months or so, and you are not going to be there. Not just family members but friends also and it kind of makes me feel like an outsider because I know I am not going to be around. Its not a bitchy or nasty thing but sometimes I feel a bit isolated, because I wont be around they dont include me in the conversation. Did anyone ever feel like this? Its almost like my life is becoming separated from theirs although I'm still here.
Apr 27th 2007, 12:18 pm
#59
Country Member
Joined: May 2003
Location: Moved from Georgetown to Round Rock, Texas. 15 miles closer to civilization.
Posts: 936
Re: I've just told my parents
Thank you G1ant for that.
I think I am at the point in the process of realising that its really going to happen. I am finding myself in certain situations when people are talking about things they are planning to do in a few months or so, and you are not going to be there. Not just family members but friends also and it kind of makes me feel like an outsider because I know I am not going to be around. Its not a bitchy or nasty thing but sometimes I feel a bit isolated, because I wont be around they dont include me in the conversation. Did anyone ever feel like this? Its almost like my life is becoming separated from theirs although I'm still here.
I think I am at the point in the process of realising that its really going to happen. I am finding myself in certain situations when people are talking about things they are planning to do in a few months or so, and you are not going to be there. Not just family members but friends also and it kind of makes me feel like an outsider because I know I am not going to be around. Its not a bitchy or nasty thing but sometimes I feel a bit isolated, because I wont be around they dont include me in the conversation. Did anyone ever feel like this? Its almost like my life is becoming separated from theirs although I'm still here.
Just think of all the new and exciting things that you will be doing in the next year that they won't be doing. All the things that you will do in new places and with new friends.