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Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Old Oct 15th 2007, 8:45 am
  #31  
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

I can see some of what JAJ is trying to say. You only have to look in the Aus forum to read some of the ridiculous replies people get when they are questioning whether they really want to do it. People with no real idea of their situation egging them on to just go for it and throw caution to the wind etc. I find that incredible especially if there are children involved.
That said, i do find that JAJ can be somewhat clinical and unemotional in his approach to people, feelings and emotion. Life is not a one size fits all scenario. We all have different lives, different circumstances, and lives also change along with your priorities.

I didnt hate Aus when i got here, i just gradually got bored and disinterested in it. Thankfully we didnt bring children with us. If i am honest i think i stayed 2yrs to long, not because i wanted to save face or buckle down, but because i just thought things might get better. In hindsight that was wrong.
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Old Oct 15th 2007, 11:53 am
  #32  
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by JAJ
I really am curious as to how so many people can go to the effort of emigrating and then seem to be utterly miserable after doing so.

A lot of anguish would be saved by perhaps a little more self-awareness and contemplation at the outset.
Like alot of other posters I am extremely surprised at you being so judgemental. Since you quoted me in your answer your reply was directed at me so I'll just tell you a few things.

For your information I have lived in Australia before, for almost 2 years in fact, so please don't tell me to be a bit more self-aware. The visas I had to enable me to stay in Australia were not sufficient to give me citizenship at the time.

I did heaps of research before we moved here - more so than some other people I know here and was fully aware of house prices, wages, licences etc etc. We did not come here thinking we would be mortgage free, that we would not have to work and unlike alot of posters that living in the sun would be the answer to everything.

I was supposed to begin work here in May - I spent months negotiating a decent job and signed a contract. When I got here my contract had been changed by the company without my knowledge from from part time to full time - it was take full time or p*** off. With a young child to look after I could not take the job.

We had rent money stolen from us by the rental agent. My husband worked for someone for 14 hours a day and ended up not being paid while we still had bills to pay and our savings quickly disappeared.

Our rental house had so many problems we had to stay with friends for a few days whilst the damage was repaired but we still had to pay the full rent.

We have been ripped off left, right and centre and by both Ozzies and ex-pats and if it hadn't been for some wonderful friends, again Ozzies and expats we would have been home long ago.

You know, I could go on - but I can't really be bothered to explain myself any further to you.

Like someone else said one size does not fit all. Maybe your energies should be spent telling the rose tinted brigade to be more self aware instead of judging people you know nothing about.

Last edited by crystal23; Oct 15th 2007 at 11:54 am. Reason: grammar
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Old Oct 15th 2007, 6:39 pm
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by crystal23
I'm just curious as to people's reasons for staying in a country when they knew it wasn't right for them.

Did you stay because you wanted to get citizenship? green card? for work reasons? or because you thought it would get better the longer you stayed?

I know from reading this forum that some of you stayed for your OH's sake.

The reason I'm asking is because after yet another emotionally charged weekend going round and round in circles I have decided that the UK is definitely for me. My husband isn't so sure although he will go where I am happy.

One half of me is telling myself to stay for another 17 months to get citizenship so that my daughter can have the choice when she is older but then I keep asking myself can I put up with it for that long.

I know that I'm the only one who can make the decision but am also wondering whether living somewhere you didn't like made your life worse or made it better knowing there was light at the end of the tunnel?

Thanks
I know where you are coming from. I am in the situation where I really want to retrain so I am going back to University to study nursing or paramedical health science - i can't decide which yet.

I am also well over living where I am now - New Zealand...

But the thing which is stopping me moving back to the UK is that I won't qualify anymore for student loans in the UK...

So, I am staying in New Zealand for another three years until I qualify....I ain't exactly over the moon about it - but In the big scheme of things I reckon it's better to do that than up sticks and go back to the Uk.. I guess its more important to me to requalify than live back in the UK. Well I've decided to give it another year..at least.

But one day I will return - won't I?
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Old Oct 15th 2007, 7:45 pm
  #34  
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by dunroving
but the way economies can go in the space of 12 months, you can still get caught out. Take the way UK house prices shot up in no time, and the US dollar shot down.
True. I know this had an adverse effect on you personally and I hope things will turn for the better soon.

If it offers any comfort, every time we move house we spend about 2 years struggling financially, wondering what on Earth we have taken on. After which point things become much easier. Even when we put off as much work to the house as possible (this time) and new purchases to a minimum. It just seems to be the pattern that we have experienced with our last 3 moves, during which time children have also come along and I have had some time out of the workplace. So if you're within your first 2 years being back (I think you are or time is really flying past!!), there should be some light coming. I should also add that this has nothing to do with pay rises, although even small ones roughly in line with inflation help a little.
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Old Oct 15th 2007, 9:43 pm
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by uk+kiwi
That me me giggle because I had just thought that 17 months wasn't very long and I'd wait. Unless perhaps there are specific things that make everyday life absolutely unbearable (eg neighbours from hell etc).

Is it possible to make a plan to return in 18 months time after gaining citizenship, being open about it as a family and thus making plans to do specific things, visit specific places etc in the meantime?
Hi

I'm not sure if you are replying to me specifically with this comment but if you are then great minds think alike I am doing specific things already, we go exploring every weekend and I started a short term college course last night - which I really enjoyed and money permitting if we stay I will start another one. I've started beach walking too now summer is almost here.
We've got friends visiting in 5 weeks time as well so I try to keep busy.

There aren't any particular things that make life unbearable either. It's ok here but ok isn't enough for me - I really need more in my life.
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Old Oct 15th 2007, 10:14 pm
  #36  
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by crystal23
Hi

I'm not sure if you are replying to me specifically with this comment
Yep, it was written with you in mind. Good to read all the positive things you are doing to make the most of life.

Do you believe the UK will be better than 'okay'? I'm assuming so, it's just I was discussing with hubbie only the other night about how hard family life is thesedays. (We're in the UK). I was having a 'stop, I want to get off' calm chat with him following a fairly stressul day with two incredibly tired children.

We just seem to do so much and also have so much on the 'to-do list'. I've never known life be so active, busy, stressful, fun and rewarding all at the same time. More of the former if I'm being honest. Must remember to laugh at least 100 times today though. It helps.
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 6:08 am
  #37  
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by uk+kiwi
True. I know this had an adverse effect on you personally and I hope things will turn for the better soon.

If it offers any comfort, every time we move house we spend about 2 years struggling financially, wondering what on Earth we have taken on. After which point things become much easier. Even when we put off as much work to the house as possible (this time) and new purchases to a minimum. It just seems to be the pattern that we have experienced with our last 3 moves, during which time children have also come along and I have had some time out of the workplace. So if you're within your first 2 years being back (I think you are or time is really flying past!!), there should be some light coming. I should also add that this has nothing to do with pay rises, although even small ones roughly in line with inflation help a little.
Thanks for the kind words of encouragement. I agree that it does take a while for finances to settle, and I can see a time ahead when there may be a little extra left at the end of the month. It was the same when I moved to NC back in 2000. The difference I'm finding this time is that getting on the housing ladder (in NC) and saving almost enough in 6 years to pay off the mortgage (within about $20k or so), the difference this time is that while the equivalent UK house has gone up in value by 100k GBP, my NC house did nothing, plus the dollar plummeted - so what was a 60k GBP asset ($90k house at $1.50 to the GBP) became a 45k GBP asset ($90k house at $2.00 to the GBP) . The difference this has made (at my age) is that being able to pay the monthly 150k GBP mortgage isn't enough - because in 15 years (when I retire), I'll still have 10 years of mortgage left.

I'm trying to just get on with things because in the immediate term I don't have much choice and fretting doesn't improve my quality of life. But when I do the maths, moving back to the right place in the US means being almost immediately mortgage free and having lots of spare cash left every month, whereas staying here means being cash-strapped for the long term future (very possibly the rest of my life).
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 8:44 am
  #38  
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by crystal23
It's ok here but ok isn't enough for me - I really need more in my life.
This is exactly how I feel. I could live here for the rest of my life quite comfortably but I feel that I need more in my life too. More non-material things that is.
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 11:15 am
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by USAGypsies
This is exactly how I feel. I could live here for the rest of my life quite comfortably but I feel that I need more in my life too. More non-material things that is.
I should made it clear it is Perth that is just ok not Australia. I LOVE some other parts of Oz and they are certainly more than ok. When we do go home I will definitely be returning to Oz for holidays. Should have also said like yourselves that it is the non-material things I need as well - not that I can afford huge material things anyway but that's another thread.

Looks like our hand may be forced anyway about going home soon as my hubby's stepdad was rushed to hospital for the 2nd time in 10 days last night with another heart attack

With everything that has happened to us I am more convinced than ever something is telling us we just should not be here.

Last edited by crystal23; Oct 16th 2007 at 11:17 am.
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 11:19 am
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by crystal23
I should made it clear it is Perth that is just ok not Australia. I LOVE some other parts of Oz and they are certainly more than ok. When we do go home I will definitely be returning to Oz for holidays. Should have also said like yourselves that it is the non-material things I need as well - not that I can afford huge material things anyway but that's another thread.

Looks like our hand may be forced anyway about going home soon as my hubby's stepdad was rushed to hospital for the 2nd time in 10 days last night with another heart attack

With everything that has happened to us I am more convinced than ever something is telling us we just should not be here.
sorry to hear about husbands step dad. Hope he is OK
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 11:42 am
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by crystal23
Looks like our hand may be forced anyway about going home soon as my hubby's stepdad was rushed to hospital for the 2nd time in 10 days last night with another heart attack

.

I hope everything goes o.k with your OH's stepdad and he makes a speedy recovery.
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 12:55 pm
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by Fleaflyfloflum
I can see some of what JAJ is trying to say. You only have to look in the Aus forum to read some of the ridiculous replies people get when they are questioning whether they really want to do it. People with no real idea of their situation egging them on to just go for it and throw caution to the wind etc. I find that incredible especially if there are children involved.
That said, i do find that JAJ can be somewhat clinical and unemotional in his approach to people, feelings and emotion. Life is not a one size fits all scenario. We all have different lives, different circumstances, and lives also change along with your priorities.
I agree on both points. There is something to be said for the direct approach. It's just that when it affects people emotionally then a degree of tact is required too. It's very easy for people to see this sort of advice as a judgement call on them personally. In reality it is more a statement of the facts.
Most people do give emigration their full consideration up front. Whether this is insufficient or whether something changes is down to the individual circumstances.
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 4:03 pm
  #43  
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by crystal23
I should made it clear it is Perth that is just ok not Australia. I LOVE some other parts of Oz and they are certainly more than ok. When we do go home I will definitely be returning to Oz for holidays. Should have also said like yourselves that it is the non-material things I need as well - not that I can afford huge material things anyway but that's another thread.

Looks like our hand may be forced anyway about going home soon as my hubby's stepdad was rushed to hospital for the 2nd time in 10 days last night with another heart attack

With everything that has happened to us I am more convinced than ever something is telling us we just should not be here.
Same here. There are most likely some other places we would enjoy living/visiting in the US but after living in 3 States, we've had enough! We'll be back for holidays too no doubt. OH is determined to get me in one of those big RV thingys when we're old and gray and drive us all over the US! LOL
When do you think you will be back in the UK? I'm really sorry to read about your step-father-in-law. I feel your stress. I hope he is okay. xx
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 4:11 pm
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by JAJ
I really am curious as to how so many people can go to the effort of emigrating and then seem to be utterly miserable after doing so.

A lot of anguish would be saved by perhaps a little more self-awareness and contemplation at the outset.
Well put JAJ, and not judgemental in my view.

It is a shame that merely voicing an opinion is viewed as a personal attack, maybe this attitude also holds a clue as to why some people failed to settle in their adopted country?
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Old Oct 16th 2007, 5:05 pm
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Default Re: Staying When You Knew It Wasn't Right

Originally Posted by USAGypsies
Same here. There are most likely some other places we would enjoy living/visiting in the US but after living in 3 States, we've had enough! We'll be back for holidays too no doubt. OH is determined to get me in one of those big RV thingys when we're old and gray and drive us all over the US! LOL
When do you think you will be back in the UK? I'm really sorry to read about your step-father-in-law. I feel your stress. I hope he is okay. xx

I have no idea when we will go back. If the worst happens it will more than likely be an imminent departure although maybe not a permanent one at this time. Who knows. It is his 5th heart attack in 7 years and he has come through the others and I'm just pacing around now waiting for a phone call.

I've got loads to think through - I've got 2 job offers on the table in the UK which I have until March to decide whether to take as the jobs start in May. I need a clearer head than I have right now to make decisions affecting my life.
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