Soooo Miserable here!

Old Aug 14th 2007, 8:36 pm
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

1) you've just had a baby. It's natural to feel overwhelming and depressed.....

however.....

your husband is already telling you he would launch a custody fight and that you have no right to take your son to live in the UK?

IMHO he is either a control freak or he's unwilling to try life in the UK for your sake. Any man that would talk that way to his wife who just had a baby.... again, unless he's under some pretty extraordinary stress, is not a husband at all.

Actually.... Partystar's the one who's off to the UK with her son, though she leaves Friday so if you want to write her, it'd better be quick.
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Old Aug 15th 2007, 1:48 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Originally Posted by snowbunny
1) you've just had a baby. It's natural to feel overwhelming and depressed.....

however.....

your husband is already telling you he would launch a custody fight and that you have no right to take your son to live in the UK?

IMHO he is either a control freak or he's unwilling to try life in the UK for your sake. Any man that would talk that way to his wife who just had a baby.... again, unless he's under some pretty extraordinary stress, is not a husband at all.

Actually.... Partystar's the one who's off to the UK with her son, though she leaves Friday so if you want to write her, it'd better be quick.
hi rach. where abouts are u in MI. I am coming back next thursday after i finish this course!! Let me know where u are and maybe we can get in touch.

Men hiding in another room.. pretty normal not just for americans. Mars and venus great book. Saved my sanity! Men just are in a world in thier own.
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Old Aug 15th 2007, 2:09 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Originally Posted by Deedee13
hi rach. where abouts are u in MI. I am coming back next thursday after i finish this course!! Let me know where u are and maybe we can get in touch.

Men hiding in another room.. pretty normal not just for americans. Mars and venus great book. Saved my sanity! Men just are in a world in thier own.
Hi Deedee
I live in Rockwood, which is south of detroit, MI is a pretty large state, i hope we could meet, although i'm not so hot on directions and finding my way around, i tend to get lost very very easy and i panic

Rach
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Old Aug 15th 2007, 3:46 pm
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

This situation is toxic, and possibly could get much worse, it is obvious some action must be taken, both parties sound like a small break from each other while you think things through may be in order.???

Not saying it is a possibility, but if you in the least way feel threatened, remove yourself to a womans shelter, get their help and advice.

Talk to someone who is sympathetic, not at a BB but a real person.
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Old Aug 15th 2007, 4:12 pm
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Hello and welcome to BE.

Just as some others have said....you have just had a baby,it takes time to get back to normal. Emotions are flying everywhere and stuff seems so overwhelming.
I am assuming that this is your first baby, so I will make another assumption as well...perhaps your OH has mentioned about the custody thing because he is overwhelmed, too, by how much he loves this new baby.

I know how hard it can be here, I have the T-shirt too. We have been here nearly two years and sometimes it seems to be getting much better and then I hit a blip.

Have you met many other new mums or is it still quite hard to get out and about with the baby? I have three children and the youngest is 12, so it's a long time since they were babies but I do remember that once I joined a few mums and tots groups I made friends and some of those people are still friends despite being over here. It must also be very hard to be away from your own family at this point.

Go easy on yourselves at the moment and enjoy your baby, they grow up very quickly.
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Old Aug 16th 2007, 2:03 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

I have one other friend who i met while i was hospitalized while pregnant, she was in the same boat as me with problem pregnancy, her baby boy is 2 months older than my son, she is a lovely girl and i get on with her really well, but the trouble is that she works full time, and she did live only 1/2 hour away, but since she returned to work she temporarily moved back into her parents, cause her mum has the baby while she's at work and they live almost 2 hours away. She's the only friend i have here, i did make friends with another girl last year while i was at college doing a manicuring course, but she turned out to be severely depressed and on meds for it, altho she was nice, i just didnt want to be involved with her, cause she takes lots of pills and they make her go doolally......
Anyway...
I'm desperately trying to work things out with my OH because i dont want us to split up and i want my son to have both parents, and besides i really do love my husband, its just he's so damn stubborn most of the time and it drives me nuts.
I am going to try to not keep going on about moving back to the uk, my husband knows how serious i am about it, but i just cant help getting upset at least once a week over it and then thats when we have a huge row and me ending up sleeping in the spare room
I'm going to try and get a financial plan together, but i dont know how and or where to start, anyone have any good ideas, i've never done this sort of thing before. He has a credit card and dental bills, i have dental bills and medical bills. I told him to get all the paperwork out for his debts at the weekend, and he didnt argue, so fingers crossed.
Even tho 5 years is not long for a moving plan, its wayyyy to long for me, feels like i've got to wait half my life

Thank you once again for all the great advice

Rach
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Old Aug 16th 2007, 9:44 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Originally Posted by uk_sweetie
Babsi my husband also keeps saying that he has to have a job also, but i keep telling him that its me that has to move back first and get working and then to sponsor him. I think thats right from reading the immigration website?
You know it never occured to me that my husband could be overwhelmed and maybe needing time to get used to the idea of moving over to the UK, i guess i just didnt think it would be that big of a deal to him, i know he likes england and all the history and i know we would be much happier there.
My mum did come over for most of july this year, 3 weeks after i had my baby, he's now almost 10 weeks old it was the worst day when she left for the airport, almost as bad as the day i left england for the USA.
I am going back home to visit with my son in october, and its more than most that cant afford the airfare, but its just not enough, i am planing on being back home in 5 years time, and it maybe with or without my guys.
My husband is very hard to talk to, he will go in another room and hide, rather than talk about things, he has no communication what so ever, and it drives me nuts, i hate not having things out in the open and discussing, then being able to get on....
I too am overwhelmed with the thought of uping sticks and moving, and when i think of being back home and what the future holds, i cant seem to see that far ahead for some reason, when i try to picture things, i cant see anything and its scary. I guess i will have to just keep plugging at him and hope that things can get resolved. He said to me tonight that he doesnt want to lose me and that he loves me so very much, i just dont understand him.

You are a very nice bunch of people on here and i'm glad i found this site
I will stick around.

Rach
Hi
This is nothing to do with you moving back home really, but from your posts you sound really down. You have experienced a difficult pregnancy, have a 10 week old baby and are homesick. You may also be experiencing Post Natal Depression, please get this checked out and talk to a professional, even if it just rules it out.

Sharon
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Old Aug 16th 2007, 11:54 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Originally Posted by uk_sweetie
I'm going to try and get a financial plan together, but i dont know how and or where to start, anyone have any good ideas, i've never done this sort of thing before. He has a credit card and dental bills, i have dental bills and medical bills.
I had to go through this recently for my medical bills when me and OH separated.

Work out a min payment plan with them. Even if it's only $5 a month they have to accept it. Work out what you can reasonably manage and call them with a plan.

I had to radically cut back on things, rehome my horses and get another job. Thankfully he's letting me stay in his house rent and bill free so that's helping a lot. Ideally I'd like to get rid of my truck as it's a gas guzzler with high repayments but I'm stuck as I owe more on it than it's worth. I'm trying to put a bit away every month for moving back but it's not easy.

Hang in there and I think once you're working towards a goal it gets easier.
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Old Aug 21st 2007, 6:56 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

I (American in Michigan) had a hard time making English friends, too, when I moved to England with my husband. Then I took a course, got a job, joined a club, and made friends slowly over time. But, I definitely had to make an effort, and I imagine when you are miserable it is hard to be friendly.

As a mother who had post partum blues, I really hope you can find the courage to tell your Ob/Gyn or regular doctor that you are feeling this way. Please be kind to yourself and your baby, listen to that earlier writer's great advice, and get some help for your immediate problem.

What else can you do? Look nearby for mom and baby groups at rec centers, doctor's offices, etc. From what I know of the Downriver area, your town is small but there are wider resources nearby.

Libraries in Michigan often have baby story times (seriously!). Libraries seem to me to be much more active and child-focused here than in the UK, and all the activities are free.

Our community pool has mom and baby swim classes. Your local one probably does, too. Ten weeks is probably too young, but once your baby is old enough, swim class is a great place to meet other moms and make friends.

Also, the advice about churches is so true. I am not super religious, but can tell you from growing up in America that a church is not just a place for Sunday services. It is a community center. Lots of churches cater to the needs of young mums. Anglican (Episcopalian) churches are few and far between, but Presbyterian (U.S.A.) and United Methodist churches are mainline protestant churches that might feel accessible. Catholic churches would be good, too. You don't have to sign on a dotted line, commit to anything, or give a lot of money to attend church activities such as mom and tot playgroups. For example, our Catholic neighbor brought her daughter to our Presbyterian church for summer camp a few weeks back and it was fine. Also, if you are religious and do feel some prayer or a women's Bible study or discussion group would be helpful to you, many women's groups that meet at churches on weekdays have care for babies. It might be good just to meet some caring women in that kind of environment.

Check your local paper and Craigslist for playgroups.

I hope this helps. Hang in there, girl. One step at a time.

Last edited by allisonb; Aug 21st 2007 at 7:04 am.
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Old Aug 22nd 2007, 6:02 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Some churches offer free or low-cost counselling services as well. Most offer some kind of marriage counselling or "classes" to help people with their marriages.

Please do tell your ob/gyn about your blues and see if s/he has a referral service. Sometimes there are new mom clubs through the local hospitals.
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Old Aug 22nd 2007, 10:36 pm
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Hi Rach,
Start setting daily short term goals so that you will get focused
on building your outer and inner strengths.The suggestions of attending
low costs/free activities provided by the community centers and churches
for mums and babes by others are good ideas.There are some churches that are liberal and some conservative. You can choose the one that is
suitable for you with no obligations.You could seek counselling for yourself
if your husband refused to participate in marriage counselling.
Continue to see your Ob/Gyn and GP to have your post partum
depression monitored.

Teach yourself to become financially savvy,there are books ,Cds and Dvds
in the libraries that you can borrrow on financial planning.
Good luck .
Yoong
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Old Aug 23rd 2007, 2:23 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

These posts are really sad and I hope you all get good outcomes in the end. The first few months (even the first year) after having a baby is hell for your mind and body. It takes ages for the hormones to go back to normal; trying to make sensible, long lasting decisions is just not going to happen. You really sound like you need to talk to a professional. Just to talk to an impartial trained person about all your problems, your worries etc will help so much.

One thing I would say to those who's husbands are nervous and worried about work, someone said you sometimes have to take risks. This is incredibly hard for most men. Their natural born instinct (most but obviously not all men) is to provide for their families. If you have a new baby, very few men would be prepared to leave what they know to start again in another country with no job to go to

Start doing the ground work. Don't nag or badger. Spend your free time researching. You have the internet, look at areas, look at housing, look at jobs, make notes, print stuff off and then try and involve your husband and ask for suggestions about how much money you both think you can pay out on rent etc, he will eventually come round, you will be busy and keeping your mind occupied and hopefully this will help you both make this decision together.
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Old Aug 23rd 2007, 9:06 am
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Originally Posted by boxerdog03
Hi
This is nothing to do with you moving back home really, but from your posts you sound really down. You have experienced a difficult pregnancy, have a 10 week old baby and are homesick. You may also be experiencing Post Natal Depression, please get this checked out and talk to a professional, even if it just rules it out.

Sharon
Karma on its way

Living anywhere in personal isolation - with hubby at work too- with a baby is very tough- doesn't matter where you are. My other half felt exactly the same and we only moved 10 miles within the UK. She found a slow way out of it by joining mum and toddler groups. Churches? Well whatever is your bag I guess but its not for everyone.
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Old Aug 24th 2007, 7:53 pm
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Default Re: Soooo Miserable here!

Hello, I'm new here too and I am so glad I found this site. It was when I read your post, Rachel that I had to sign up so I could post and connect. I wish I knew the right thing to tell you. I'm in a small town in Minnesota and I'm slowly going mad here. The people are awful and there is nowt to do. I originally moved over to Florida and after meeting and marrying my hubby we moved up here to his hometown. Florida was great because there were so many others in the same boat as you - noone was from there and it was easy to make friends. In this small town they hate outsiders. I also wonder about moving back home. I know I will have a secure future here with my hubby and if I went home I would probably feel lost and I am scared to start over. Sometimes my hubby really does my head in and then other times I wonder if I just take it all out on him cos I am so miserable. My hubby says we are gonna get out of this town, but like Rachel, I wonder if that is really gonna happen. I've been in this country for 10 years now, but only in MN for 5. My first 5 years in FL were an adventure. I was in my twenties and had a great time. I'm sorry that I have no advice to give. It has been great for me just knowing there is another Brit out there who feels like I do and I hope it makes you feel a wee bit better too that you are not alone. I hope we work through this and I hope it just a bad little patch for us both.
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