uk_sweetie

Hello
I'm new here to this site, my name is Rachel. I live in Michigan USA, have been here now for 2 years. My story is just like everyone else's, i want to go home to the UK, i am so desperate to be back there with my family, i miss the UK so desperately and thats all i can think of everyday, all day.
I'm married to a US citizen, we've sort of "talked" about moving back there and he said he is willing to do so, but the thing is he just will not talk about it
in detail or make any plans, when i bring it up (which is several times a week) all i get from him is "yes i will but i cant say when" i dont believe a word he says, because if he really was gonna move then he'd start making plans with me. He owes a bit of money, and also we have some medical bills to pay off, i've just had a baby and it was a problem pregnancy with hospital stay and bedrest. All we do is argue all the time now, we also have other problems which i wont go into detail about, marriage related....
I thought having a baby would make things all better by having my own family here, but its just worse now, i am so homesick and i cant eat or sleep properly anymore, i feel like i'm going crazy here. I've no friends, the americans i find are hard to make friends with, they are just interested in their own lives and are so self centered. (no offense for any yanks on this site) English are much kinder and a nicer race of people. My MIL is driving me crazy, she is a control freak!! Always telling me what to do with my son (enough said about that)
Anyway, dont you think that if my husband was serious about moving with me that he'd talk about plans at least? I just dont know....
My options are very depressing and bleak, i either stay here for the rest of my life and be miserable (which i just cant do) or i go home on my own, because he's already told me that i am not taking our son back there on my own, and he said he's an american citizen and that there's no paperwork to say he's a british citizen, and that he belongs with his father in the US.
My husband also said that i cant try for custody oversea's because the courts wont allow it if i'm back in the uk.
So i dont know what to do, my life is one giant mess, i will never forgive myself for moving over here in the first place and now for having the baby
All i want is for my life to be back to how it used to be, but that is asking for the impossible.

I'm sorry if this has been a topic over and over, but i have no one to talk to about this, i cant talk with my mum because she is worried sick already about me.....
Thanks for letting me vent

Rach

babsi

Hi, I know how you feel, I am in a very similar situation, the only thing is that I have been here for getting on for 7 years now and my husband is a Canadian citizen but originally from Argentina and we have no family at all on either side.

He said he will go to the UK (or somewhere in Europe) but he has to have a job. Not me, he has to have it. This has being on for a while now but things got worse for me when my little boy was born in January 2006, things got bad when I went back for a visit in June last year and February this year.

He won't let me go and live there and he follows later, he won't go and just see what happens. Sometimes, I just don't know if he is like this because he really doesn't want to go.

I have tried everything with him but he just won't change his mind at all. He is too stubborn.

I don't have many friends. the few people I made friends with weren't Canadian and both left here. It is really hard to get friendly with people here, it is like a glass wall between you and them when you talk...

He does have an interview with an agency in the UK in a few months time when we will go and visit, but I have learnt not to get my hopes up.

I have even thought about Argentina and he says he would like to live there but has to have a job. Bloody jobs don't grow on trees! Sometimes you have to take risks in life.

I don't have many words of advice, just that I know how you feel and really hope it all works out. And having a baby does make the homesick a lot, lot worse, something I never imagined.

TaraC

Hi Rachel

I'm sorry to hear you're so miserable. The US can be a tough place to be without friends or family (I've been here quite a few years myself and can relate). Re. your question about your husband, I don't know your situation, but is it possible your husband is serious about moving back but is overwhelmed by what that means. It's taken me six years of nudging my OH - gently - but I'm now five weeks away from going home, with him actively looking at employment options and probably joining me in a year (no, we're not separating, trust me - if it meant that, I'd be on the first plane back). My OH travels a lot, works in the UK all the time and loves England, but even he finds the whole idea of picking up sticks a bit daunting. With your debt, other issues, etc., this could be making your OH wonder how on earth you could accomplish a successful move (not to mention the controlling mother!).

Have you really had a chance to sit down and talk about this without both of you becoming upset? This was a real challenge for me, as I was so desperate to move that I would end up in tears, and he'd just be frustrated. It even got to the point where I wondered if he was just telling me what I wanted to hear but would just procrastinate until we just couldn't move any more. This turned out to be a very unfair assumption of mine. Once I realized that he is just a procrastinator by nature and inherently cautious, I came up with a solution (me going home, getting my master's and hopefully getting a decent-paying job). It took the onus off him to do all the work, and he is now amazingly supportive.

Now on to your big issue of your baby. Your husband's comments don't seem right to me. As a child of a British mother, I think your child automatically becomes a British citizen as well as US. Others on the board probably know a lot more about this than I do, but you may want to contact legal help or at least the British Embassy / consulate near you to get a better sense of your options. At the very least, you should try and get him a British passport.

Hope this helps.

babsi

If the mother or father was born in the UK then the passport is automatic for the baby. We really should get 1 but am just a little too lazy with it but will do this year.

If you leave with the baby then as the baby is a US citizen and it's home is the US you can be forced to go back. Having UK citizenship doesn't make 1 iota of difference.

Things would be different if the baby was born in the UK. That was something I was thinking about as I flew back to Canada at 27 weeks and was desperate but was talked round.

Shivster

I won't venture into the whether or not you can move your child as I have no clue. JAJ is good at that sort of stuff.

Why don't you become proactive in planning a move back. Write down a sort of business plan for it as well as debt reconcilliation and show it to your husband. Explore job opportunites for him at home and show him how it could be done. At least that way you'll know if he's just patronising you when he says he'll go back or is serious about it.

Do you have family that could come out for a visit? Sometimes reinforcing your troops on the home front can help and give some perspective.

I do feel for you. Once the homesickness bug takes hold it really does take over everything.

britvic

So sorry to read how your feeling UKsweetie trapped which ever way you look at it. Stay around on here and talk to us lot, so I will now say welcome to BE, you can moan or rant there is always people around who understand.

Elvira

This is a mess, whichever way you look at it. This is not going to be easy to resolve, but this is what I would do:

- arrange joint counselling fro you and your husband; since he is unwilling to communicate properly with you, only a trained intermediary is likely to facilitate a proper discussion of the issues.

- register your child's birth with the British Consulate to obtain both a British birth certificate and a passport.

- consult a divorce attorney with experience in international custody issues to explore your options. You are the child's mother, and you have rights. Though you must be warned that getting sole custody and the right to remove the child from the US is unlikely to be easy.

Do you think that if you left without the child, your husband would be able to cope? Or might he rescind and allow for the child to live with you in the UK? This would be the ultimate last resort strategy, and you would have to prepare yourself for its likely failure.

Are there any local support groups for women who are having marital difficulties? Just being able to talk things over might help...

Dave_Was

Hey Rachel,

It's always difficult really understanding what's going on with other people and to be honest this is one of those things that I have always had a problem with.

I live in the US with my wife and want to go back to the UK. My wife has always said wherever you want to be that's fine with me. We don't have any family in the US but I have all my family in the UK and her, her aunt, uncles and cousins. So for both of us it would be nice to go back.

But, you knew it was coming, I have this huge overwhelming feeling that I can't go back to the UK without a job and of course finding a job, while I'm out here is difficult.

Is there a way that you could really make your OH understand how you feel? Could you talk to him and show him the difficulties you are under and without trying to force him into making plans, just to understand where you both are?

Maybe when you both work out where you are you'll have a starting off point.

Just throwing out some ideas. Good luck.

uk_sweetie

Babsi my husband also keeps saying that he has to have a job also, but i keep telling him that its me that has to move back first and get working and then to sponsor him. I think thats right from reading the immigration website?
You know it never occured to me that my husband could be overwhelmed and maybe needing time to get used to the idea of moving over to the UK, i guess i just didnt think it would be that big of a deal to him, i know he likes england and all the history and i know we would be much happier there.
My mum did come over for most of july this year, 3 weeks after i had my baby, he's now almost 10 weeks old it was the worst day when she left for the airport, almost as bad as the day i left england for the USA.
I am going back home to visit with my son in october, and its more than most that cant afford the airfare, but its just not enough, i am planing on being back home in 5 years time, and it maybe with or without my guys.
My husband is very hard to talk to, he will go in another room and hide, rather than talk about things, he has no communication what so ever, and it drives me nuts, i hate not having things out in the open and discussing, then being able to get on....
I too am overwhelmed with the thought of uping sticks and moving, and when i think of being back home and what the future holds, i cant seem to see that far ahead for some reason, when i try to picture things, i cant see anything and its scary. I guess i will have to just keep plugging at him and hope that things can get resolved. He said to me tonight that he doesnt want to lose me and that he loves me so very much, i just dont understand him.

You are a very nice bunch of people on here and i'm glad i found this site
I will stick around.

Rach

babsi

I don't have much time for a long reply but my husband's idea is to apply for jobs here by sending his cv and then when he finally gets one everything falls into place. Then he either he goes on a work permit or we go through the spousal route. It doesn't matter who has the job.

I am VERY fed up with things, all I seem to do is wait, wait, wait every day for something to happen and it never does. I am one of these people who like to get on with things.

For example I work at home and am getting a little fed up and want to get a part-time job and put my little boy into daycare while I do this but not here.

Ben

Hi Rach,

First of all, you are being too hard on yourself and your husband. You are both new parents with a 10 week old baby. You both need time to adjust, especially you! Your hormones will have your emotions all over the place, no matter how hard you try and think rationally. And some men find it very difficult to adapt to their new lives. I still remember that 10 week mark with my first (he is nearly 17 now!). I felt so overwhelmed and the baby wouldn't stop crying one day (he was actually a really good baby but I was having a bad day). I ended up putting him in his crib so he was safe and I just cried with no one there. I tried calling my parents but no one was in. About a couple of hours later the phone rang and it was my dad asking if I was okay (this was before they had an answering machine so he had no idea I had called) becuase he couldn't stop thinking about me. We were still in the UK and my parents were a couple of hours away. What I'm saying is, some of the feelings you are having to deal with are being blurred by your new position in life and that is perfectly normal but not always easy to see

Also, you mentioned that his mother is a control freak and your husband walks into another room rather than talking? Can you see a connection? do you think that your nagging about going back to the UK is just reminding him of his mother? If so, he may not like this and can't bear the thought of living like that for the rest of his life and so would rather walk away than face the issues.

One thing I have learnt after 20 years of marriage, men are big babies that need coaxing into our way of thinking. Elvira makes some great suggestions and you really should get all your ducks in a row, including learning how to convince your hubby that the move would be the best thing for him. But you need to stop nagging and going on about going home. Talk on here instead and get your research done. And enjoy your baby. If you put all your energy into planning for the future and talking to your baby you may find you feel a little better in yourself.

Finding friends will help you cope in the short term - I know many Brits turn their nose up at the idea of going to church but in the US it really is the place to meet new people. Believe it or not a Catholic church would probably be the least pushy and they will all have mother and baby classes where you can meet other mothers. Also, look at your local college to see if you can take some classes. they can be in anything that you fancy but it will get you out of the house and meet new people. You don't have to like it but mixing with locals may help you with your husband, believe it or not. Sometimes the colleges have creches or you could let hubby look after your son for a couple of hours a week. If finance is a concern, the college will have a financial aid office to help you with your options

Dave_Was

My understanding from everything I have read and been told, is that you have to show that you will be able to live without recourse to public funds. So it's either you have a job or money enough to live without one.

There are some really good threads that discuss this in detail and I would suggest reading those.

Good luck.

TruBrit

hiya rachel, glad you found us!

i'm a brit and married to a lovely USC and am in the stages of planning to return to the UK. i hear what you say and can sympathize with you.

i see that you have been getting some good advice from caring peeps on here. all i will add is that maybe it will take you to be the one to draw up the business/moving plan and start the paperwork etc etc and then hopefully it wont all be so daunting to your OH. the UK is your country so lead the way girl

btw my OH lived for 18yrs in the UK and loved it and can't imagine retiring in this country!

good luck, i'm sure you'll get there in the end

TruBrit

yeah, dead right dave, rachel would have to show that her OH had a place to stay, the prospect of a job and at least some cash although not a huge amount but some to tide him over until he got his first pay check.

to rachel, look out for britvic, she'll be along later. she dislikes it here intensely and is moving back in a few weeks with her USC OH following later and she will have some good advice.

Jaycee1

Hi Rach,
You have had some great advice from others, it is an excellent site and always here to help when things get tough.
I'm not very good with advice, but just wanted to offer
a big (((((((( HUG))))))) and hope that things turn out well for you.
J x