And so it ends
Jan 27th 2005, 2:24 am
#46
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2001
Location: Now in West London, but one day soon in Vancouver.....!
Posts: 448
Re: And so it ends
haha!! at least you guys made me laugh a bit! yes, that is roughly how much i spent to whisk them away. as i am here for a while yet, i am going to sit tight and see what the kids say after lets say, a couple of weeks, by which time they will have started school etc and will have fallen back into their previous lifestyles. i wouldnt be surprised if they say they want to come back!anyway, wait n see.....
Originally Posted by JAJ
In the past, when migration was much more a 'one-way' ticket, people had no choice but to get on with their lives whether they liked it or not. Not all settled in the end, and some spent the rest of their days yearning for 'home', but many people did.
Jeremy
Jeremy
Jan 27th 2005, 2:38 am
#47
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: back in Gods own country..
Posts: 4,007
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by End of a Dream
Well, after only five months in Australia my wife and kids fly back to the UK on Saturday. I'm staying on for a month to sell off the cars, pack up our stuff and cancel our life here.
I'm totally devastated, I've dreamed of coming to Australia since 1991, and spent two years and a lot of stress getting here. The plan was to stay for two years and review, but it lasted a whole three weeks before my wife decided that she couldn't do it and made no effort whatsoever to settle, the time since then has just been waiting until we could serve notice on our tenants in the UK. So its back to the UK, the M25, spending my life in traffic jams and travelinns. I'm a computer consultant by trade and found exactly what I was looking for here, a good job with a great firm and projects within 10 minutes of where I live, I've been home to cook tea almost every night. I love it here although its not Shangri La. We won't be back, and my wife is unexpectedly pregnant although this isn't related to the decision to leave.
I say this as a warning to those of you thinking of coming, don't do it if either of you have any doubts at all. There is nothing worse than being stuck here either being miserable or being with someone whos miserable. Don't come here thinking it will solve your problems, it will just throw them into sharp relief and you will wind up with a broken heart.
I'm totally devastated, I've dreamed of coming to Australia since 1991, and spent two years and a lot of stress getting here. The plan was to stay for two years and review, but it lasted a whole three weeks before my wife decided that she couldn't do it and made no effort whatsoever to settle, the time since then has just been waiting until we could serve notice on our tenants in the UK. So its back to the UK, the M25, spending my life in traffic jams and travelinns. I'm a computer consultant by trade and found exactly what I was looking for here, a good job with a great firm and projects within 10 minutes of where I live, I've been home to cook tea almost every night. I love it here although its not Shangri La. We won't be back, and my wife is unexpectedly pregnant although this isn't related to the decision to leave.
I say this as a warning to those of you thinking of coming, don't do it if either of you have any doubts at all. There is nothing worse than being stuck here either being miserable or being with someone whos miserable. Don't come here thinking it will solve your problems, it will just throw them into sharp relief and you will wind up with a broken heart.
Five months is nothing, have you shown her any of these posts, I have been in the US for nearly seven months and have only just realised how much I now like it. I cried nearly every night for the first few months and would have gone home at the drop of a hat, I still desperately miss my family and friends but am having fun making new ones and experiencing new and wonderful things every day, hide her passport, do anything to make her stay at little longer because as you said yourself there is nothing worse than being stuck with someone who is miserable, and aren't you going to be the miserable one when you get back to the UK
Jan 27th 2005, 5:02 am
#48
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 1,151
Re: And so it ends
We've been in Canada since mid-September and I'd like to go home now please? The trouble is we came here to get the kind of house that was beyond us in the UK and we were able to get here. By that I just mean it's roomy and was affordable. Plus for my wife who's Canadian it meant she got to come home. So she's very happy and I'm trying to make the best of it. I know all about culture shock and homesickness and all of that but I also know that I happened to like living in the UK anyway and I absolutely pine for it now. Still, I'll carry on for a year or two and see how it all works out.
Jan 27th 2005, 6:52 am
#49
58.38264% - Extreme Geek
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: The Place To Be
Posts: 2,270
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by JAJ
It is not always the wives, but certainly seems to be the majority of cases.
Without wishing to appear sexist, it's likely because they tend to have closer relationships with family and friends compared to their husbands.
Jeremy
Without wishing to appear sexist, it's likely because they tend to have closer relationships with family and friends compared to their husbands.
Jeremy
I'd recommend to all female homemakers who emigrate that they do something meaningful outside the home each week that is just for them (even just a few hours' voluntary work, or some sport they particularly enjoy) then at least they will feel that have something to 'belong' to that's *theirs* & is outside the family.
Anya.
Jan 27th 2005, 6:56 am
#50
58.38264% - Extreme Geek
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: The Place To Be
Posts: 2,270
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by julius smith
haha!! at least you guys made me laugh a bit! yes, that is roughly how much i spent to whisk them away. as i am here for a while yet, i am going to sit tight and see what the kids say after lets say, a couple of weeks, by which time they will have started school etc and will have fallen back into their previous lifestyles. i wouldnt be surprised if they say they want to come back!anyway, wait n see.....
Very best of luck to you - and them!
Cheers
Anya.
Jan 27th 2005, 3:30 pm
#51
Home at last
Joined: Mar 2004
Location: Beautiful UK
Posts: 866
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by Pollyana
Just thinking aloud really, but I wonder how many of those people, who go back so soon, would actually manage to settle if they had no choice?
I mean - after 5 months in Aus I was probably in severe depression (not just the blues) for 90% of the time - cried myself to sleep every night, hated the weather, the food, the job, just about everything you could think of. But I had no choice - I'm married to an Aussie, who I KNOW would loathe living in the UK, and when I came here I knew I couldn't go back.
I've now been here 14 months, and while I still have bouts of depression, they are probably down to 40% of the time - I am learning to cope with living here, though I still have a looooong way to go before this is "home"
I'm not saying that staying where you are unhappy would work for everyone, we are all individuals and all deal with life differently, its just something to think about - especially where one partner is happy and one isn't. If you HAVE to stay, and weather the storms, you may find in the end that its not so bad after all? Its pigging tough, but if the easy option of going home wasn't possible, who knows how many people would finally settle here?
I mean - after 5 months in Aus I was probably in severe depression (not just the blues) for 90% of the time - cried myself to sleep every night, hated the weather, the food, the job, just about everything you could think of. But I had no choice - I'm married to an Aussie, who I KNOW would loathe living in the UK, and when I came here I knew I couldn't go back.
I've now been here 14 months, and while I still have bouts of depression, they are probably down to 40% of the time - I am learning to cope with living here, though I still have a looooong way to go before this is "home"
I'm not saying that staying where you are unhappy would work for everyone, we are all individuals and all deal with life differently, its just something to think about - especially where one partner is happy and one isn't. If you HAVE to stay, and weather the storms, you may find in the end that its not so bad after all? Its pigging tough, but if the easy option of going home wasn't possible, who knows how many people would finally settle here?
In my instance, My parents emigrated to US. They stayed and accepted it because way back then it really was almost one way only. After several years my Dad went back for a short visit and began to wonder what he did. It would be too hard for him to return though, but when he was dying not so many years ago his only request was to have his ashes scattered back in the water near Plymouth. My Mum and two sisters have settled here and are staying. I am returning. So you never can tell, it may even break up families further down the line.
Jan 27th 2005, 6:36 pm
#52
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Depends
Posts: 4,041
Re: And so it ends
They did a documentary years ago about how women migrants from various countries did find it hard to settle without their family support etc. There are quite a few groups for people who are new to the country, it might be an option to join some of these as everyone will be in the same boat and it should be easier to make friends rather than trying to break into new circles of established friendships which can take longer and often can be harder as they may be happy with their current circles and may not want new people in it.
This may be a helpful link to some.....http://www.newcomersclub.com/au.html
This may be a helpful link to some.....http://www.newcomersclub.com/au.html
Jan 27th 2005, 7:40 pm
#53
58.38264% - Extreme Geek
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: The Place To Be
Posts: 2,270
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by Mercedes
They did a documentary years ago about how women migrants from various countries did find it hard to settle without their family support etc. There are quite a few groups for people who are new to the country, it might be an option to join some of these as everyone will be in the same boat and it should be easier to make friends rather than trying to break into new circles of established friendships which can take longer and often can be harder as they may be happy with their current circles and may not want new people in it.
This may be a helpful link to some.....http://www.newcomersclub.com/au.html
This may be a helpful link to some.....http://www.newcomersclub.com/au.html
Personally, I found the Melbourne BE folks great for starters; when I started to really miss my UK girlfriends, & was in dire need of a boozy night out
, I posted a thread up on the Oz forum & loads of women replied. We had a great night out, and meet up every so often for more of the same 
The BE people here meet up for picnics/BBQs too, with kids/partners, which is fun - new people in town are always especially welcome. I also joined a women's group which raises money for various good causes - I have some experience of this, so of course, they welcomed me as a member! In fact, I have made some very good friends thru this. We do our share of 'worthy things', but also go to movies, out for meals etc together, & again there are parties/BBQs that our partners come along to, so they can make friends. Had I not found this group I'd planned to join a language class (maybe to learn Japanese), as IME that's a good way to make friends, too. Now I'm too busy!!
It can be difficult in a new country, & you have to 'think outside the box' a bit to make new friends, but I think there are very few parts of the world where it's not possible. And here in Oz, of course, everyone speaks English, so one doesn't have to overcome the language barrier!
Anya.
Jan 27th 2005, 8:43 pm
#54
Account Closed
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 959
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by anya4oz
It's probably more to do with the fact that it's more likely to be the woman who is the homemaker/raiser of kids. And it's more likely to be the man who gets a job, goes out to work each day, meets lots of new people, & gets that feeling of 'belonging' to a community - all of which help one settle. Not so easy when stuck at home raising the children.
I'd recommend to all female homemakers who emigrate that they do something meaningful outside the home each week that is just for them (even just a few hours' voluntary work, or some sport they particularly enjoy) then at least they will feel that have something to 'belong' to that's *theirs* & is outside the family.
Anya.
I'd recommend to all female homemakers who emigrate that they do something meaningful outside the home each week that is just for them (even just a few hours' voluntary work, or some sport they particularly enjoy) then at least they will feel that have something to 'belong' to that's *theirs* & is outside the family.
Anya.
Jan 29th 2005, 12:49 am
#55
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: Epping NSW
Posts: 606
Re: And so it ends
My wife who is now a rusted on Aussie after 35 years here does voluntary work with a refugee support group. Meets the most remarkable people who have no choice as to where they live and can have language problems as well.
It helps to see the world through their eyes, not that she had any problem settling.
It helps to see the world through their eyes, not that she had any problem settling.
Jan 29th 2005, 11:50 am
#56
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: Depends
Posts: 4,041
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by Banksia
My wife who is now a rusted on Aussie after 35 years here does voluntary work with a refugee support group. Meets the most remarkable people who have no choice as to where they live and can have language problems as well.
It helps to see the world through their eyes, not that she had any problem settling.
It helps to see the world through their eyes, not that she had any problem settling.
Jan 31st 2005, 4:32 am
#57
looking for the corkscrew
Joined: Jul 2004
Location: Sooooo Bay Area
Posts: 1,997
Re: And so it ends
It's such a shame when posters write such a heart rending story and then appear not to come back to read all the replies. Everyone here has given such a great balanced story that I really hope the OP has come back to view them. Sadly, he still only has 3 posts which has been the case for ages. I really feel for him and hope he finds us again soon. Good luck.
Jan 31st 2005, 5:26 am
#58
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2005
Location: back in Gods own country..
Posts: 4,007
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by bored-silly
It's such a shame when posters write such a heart rending story and then appear not to come back to read all the replies. Everyone here has given such a great balanced story that I really hope the OP has come back to view them. Sadly, he still only has 3 posts which has been the case for ages. I really feel for him and hope he finds us again soon. Good luck.
I know what you mean, I was really thinking about him yesterday as it was the day his wife and kids went back, hope he does find us again and lets us know how everything works out.
Feb 26th 2005, 8:21 am
#59
Just Joined
Thread Starter
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 10
Re: And so it ends
Apologies for my long absence all, for some reason I haven’t had the motivation to come back to the site for a while, and the site didn’t send me any emails to tell me this was up to four pages, clearly I have touched a nerve amongst you all, so thanks for all the comments.
My wife and kids have been back in the UK for four weeks now and appear to be settling in OK, they are back in the house after 3 weeks at the MIL, back at school and basically everything is getting pretty much back to normal.
I have just finished work, and had an amazing time over the last few weeks, the support from friends, colleagues and clients have just been overwhelming, I write this with a monstrous hangover from my goodbye drinks, which started at 1.00pm and finished at 2.00am. One the primary directors of the company pulled me aside last night and basically told me that as far as he was concerned I had become an aussie far quicker than any pom he had met before. There is a job open here any time I want it, even if its five years from now. A huge project for part of the same group as I worked for in the UK has just started up a 10 minute walk from my house in Aus, and they too have offered me a job anytime I want it. I strongly suspect that they will fly me over for a couple of weeks in the future anyway, to do some readiness assessments and audits it about a year’s time. All of this has buoyed me up considerably and I don’t intend to sever all ties with Australia.
Will we be back as a family to Australia? I would say no, I cannot see that happening. I will be going to counselling when I get back, I have a very good councillor there whom I have used in the past when things were bad. The last time was three years ago almost to the day. I would like to say marriage guidance, but that would involve two people going to see the councillor. It has been made very clear to me that there is no way on gods earth that I will get my wife into a session. I strongly suspect that it has not been discussed with the MIL either, basically it’s all down to me. I am now a slightly bitter and twisted individual, but I am maintaining a sense of humour, I have to go back, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.
As a slight aside the prospect of having a baby surrounded by family and friends is quite frankly a total nightmare, the last two were born away from the families. I don’t have friends anywhere near where I live, and the only family I suspect will be allowed in will be the in-laws, and whilst they are very nice people, they are a totally self absorbed family, and there isn’t a hell of a lot of room for me in there. My family have been at the dirty end of the stick more times than I can remember, and therefore probably won’t be that involved, or even allowed to be.
I have missed the kids immensely over the last four weeks, and am really looking forward to seeing them again on the 10th March. A lasting memory for me will be walking along the surf on Australia Day (also my birthday) with the kids laughing their heads off every time a wave hit us. Sadly my wife chose to walk along the beach about 10 metres inland, so she missed out on that one. However I am moving my life forward, I have a mentor/friend in the UK who has put me onto self improvement techniques, I have only just started down this path, but suspect that it will be a life changing activity, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen R Covey is a truly extraordinary book, and I’m only up to habit 3 so far.
So, I am going back with a sense of extreme dread, apart from the kids, and will presumably pick up my life, sorry existence, where it left off. I am still broken hearted, and still full of resentment, but have to move on. I strongly suspect that my marriage will not survive this and that most of me says that we are just two people who have hit the end of the road, that our hopes, desires, dreams and core values have just gone off in completely different directions.
I’ll admit it, I drove the desire to go to Australia and my wife effectively tagged along, but seemed to be pretty enthusiastic on the subject. This meant the world to me; I felt for a long time that my dreams and values meant something, that I was first choice instead of the in-laws. Quite clearly when push really came to shove I was wrong, 2 years was what I asked for, 2 weeks was effectively what I got. I understand that being far from the support network is hard, so I understand fully the motivation. What I cannot understand and am going to have to forgive, is how one person can very quickly destroy another’s dreams without the slightest guilt, or at least any that I can see.
The wife wants a guarantee that I won’t walk out in the next two years, she would rather I left now if that is the case. I cannot make that guarantee, but the part of me that absolutely will not give up has not taken that option (see the mirror comment above) and I have made an ultimatum. We have to look within our souls to work out what it really is that we want, if we want a marriage etc, we have to look within ourselves to see what we can do to make the other happy and make them feel valued, by action, not just words. I have told her that she must do this if it is to stand a chance, I have not decided to leave, I have not decided to stay, I’m going back to the UK and giving it my best shot, to 1) forgive, and 2) not be the second choice I feel I am. This goes both ways.
All I can say to you all is a value I have been teaching to my kids, of all the things we are proud of, those that took the most effort to achieve are highest on the list. Don’t expect Australia to solve your relationship problems, it can solve a lot of problems; it did so for me, but not that one. If you are miserable, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Set a time limit, two years to stay and GET OUT AND ABOUT, meet people, join teams etc etc etc. Perhaps then you can tolerate it, get to a mutually agreed date and move back home with your heads held high, your relationship intact and the experience enriching your lives, after all, you stood up and DID what lots of people would love to do, but didn’t. Isn’t that worth a bit of effort and sacrifice?
Keep smiling all; remember to laugh as often as possible, especially with your kids.
My wife and kids have been back in the UK for four weeks now and appear to be settling in OK, they are back in the house after 3 weeks at the MIL, back at school and basically everything is getting pretty much back to normal.
I have just finished work, and had an amazing time over the last few weeks, the support from friends, colleagues and clients have just been overwhelming, I write this with a monstrous hangover from my goodbye drinks, which started at 1.00pm and finished at 2.00am. One the primary directors of the company pulled me aside last night and basically told me that as far as he was concerned I had become an aussie far quicker than any pom he had met before. There is a job open here any time I want it, even if its five years from now. A huge project for part of the same group as I worked for in the UK has just started up a 10 minute walk from my house in Aus, and they too have offered me a job anytime I want it. I strongly suspect that they will fly me over for a couple of weeks in the future anyway, to do some readiness assessments and audits it about a year’s time. All of this has buoyed me up considerably and I don’t intend to sever all ties with Australia.
Will we be back as a family to Australia? I would say no, I cannot see that happening. I will be going to counselling when I get back, I have a very good councillor there whom I have used in the past when things were bad. The last time was three years ago almost to the day. I would like to say marriage guidance, but that would involve two people going to see the councillor. It has been made very clear to me that there is no way on gods earth that I will get my wife into a session. I strongly suspect that it has not been discussed with the MIL either, basically it’s all down to me. I am now a slightly bitter and twisted individual, but I am maintaining a sense of humour, I have to go back, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.
As a slight aside the prospect of having a baby surrounded by family and friends is quite frankly a total nightmare, the last two were born away from the families. I don’t have friends anywhere near where I live, and the only family I suspect will be allowed in will be the in-laws, and whilst they are very nice people, they are a totally self absorbed family, and there isn’t a hell of a lot of room for me in there. My family have been at the dirty end of the stick more times than I can remember, and therefore probably won’t be that involved, or even allowed to be.
I have missed the kids immensely over the last four weeks, and am really looking forward to seeing them again on the 10th March. A lasting memory for me will be walking along the surf on Australia Day (also my birthday) with the kids laughing their heads off every time a wave hit us. Sadly my wife chose to walk along the beach about 10 metres inland, so she missed out on that one. However I am moving my life forward, I have a mentor/friend in the UK who has put me onto self improvement techniques, I have only just started down this path, but suspect that it will be a life changing activity, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen R Covey is a truly extraordinary book, and I’m only up to habit 3 so far.
So, I am going back with a sense of extreme dread, apart from the kids, and will presumably pick up my life, sorry existence, where it left off. I am still broken hearted, and still full of resentment, but have to move on. I strongly suspect that my marriage will not survive this and that most of me says that we are just two people who have hit the end of the road, that our hopes, desires, dreams and core values have just gone off in completely different directions.
I’ll admit it, I drove the desire to go to Australia and my wife effectively tagged along, but seemed to be pretty enthusiastic on the subject. This meant the world to me; I felt for a long time that my dreams and values meant something, that I was first choice instead of the in-laws. Quite clearly when push really came to shove I was wrong, 2 years was what I asked for, 2 weeks was effectively what I got. I understand that being far from the support network is hard, so I understand fully the motivation. What I cannot understand and am going to have to forgive, is how one person can very quickly destroy another’s dreams without the slightest guilt, or at least any that I can see.
The wife wants a guarantee that I won’t walk out in the next two years, she would rather I left now if that is the case. I cannot make that guarantee, but the part of me that absolutely will not give up has not taken that option (see the mirror comment above) and I have made an ultimatum. We have to look within our souls to work out what it really is that we want, if we want a marriage etc, we have to look within ourselves to see what we can do to make the other happy and make them feel valued, by action, not just words. I have told her that she must do this if it is to stand a chance, I have not decided to leave, I have not decided to stay, I’m going back to the UK and giving it my best shot, to 1) forgive, and 2) not be the second choice I feel I am. This goes both ways.
All I can say to you all is a value I have been teaching to my kids, of all the things we are proud of, those that took the most effort to achieve are highest on the list. Don’t expect Australia to solve your relationship problems, it can solve a lot of problems; it did so for me, but not that one. If you are miserable, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Set a time limit, two years to stay and GET OUT AND ABOUT, meet people, join teams etc etc etc. Perhaps then you can tolerate it, get to a mutually agreed date and move back home with your heads held high, your relationship intact and the experience enriching your lives, after all, you stood up and DID what lots of people would love to do, but didn’t. Isn’t that worth a bit of effort and sacrifice?
Keep smiling all; remember to laugh as often as possible, especially with your kids.
Feb 26th 2005, 9:39 am
#60
Account Closed
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 959
Re: And so it ends
Originally Posted by End of a Dream
Apologies for my long absence all, for some reason I haven’t had the motivation to come back to the site for a while, and the site didn’t send me any emails to tell me this was up to four pages, clearly I have touched a nerve amongst you all, so thanks for all the comments.
My wife and kids have been back in the UK for four weeks now and appear to be settling in OK, they are back in the house after 3 weeks at the MIL, back at school and basically everything is getting pretty much back to normal.
I have just finished work, and had an amazing time over the last few weeks, the support from friends, colleagues and clients have just been overwhelming, I write this with a monstrous hangover from my goodbye drinks, which started at 1.00pm and finished at 2.00am. One the primary directors of the company pulled me aside last night and basically told me that as far as he was concerned I had become an aussie far quicker than any pom he had met before. There is a job open here any time I want it, even if its five years from now. A huge project for part of the same group as I worked for in the UK has just started up a 10 minute walk from my house in Aus, and they too have offered me a job anytime I want it. I strongly suspect that they will fly me over for a couple of weeks in the future anyway, to do some readiness assessments and audits it about a year’s time. All of this has buoyed me up considerably and I don’t intend to sever all ties with Australia.
Will we be back as a family to Australia? I would say no, I cannot see that happening. I will be going to counselling when I get back, I have a very good councillor there whom I have used in the past when things were bad. The last time was three years ago almost to the day. I would like to say marriage guidance, but that would involve two people going to see the councillor. It has been made very clear to me that there is no way on gods earth that I will get my wife into a session. I strongly suspect that it has not been discussed with the MIL either, basically it’s all down to me. I am now a slightly bitter and twisted individual, but I am maintaining a sense of humour, I have to go back, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.
As a slight aside the prospect of having a baby surrounded by family and friends is quite frankly a total nightmare, the last two were born away from the families. I don’t have friends anywhere near where I live, and the only family I suspect will be allowed in will be the in-laws, and whilst they are very nice people, they are a totally self absorbed family, and there isn’t a hell of a lot of room for me in there. My family have been at the dirty end of the stick more times than I can remember, and therefore probably won’t be that involved, or even allowed to be.
I have missed the kids immensely over the last four weeks, and am really looking forward to seeing them again on the 10th March. A lasting memory for me will be walking along the surf on Australia Day (also my birthday) with the kids laughing their heads off every time a wave hit us. Sadly my wife chose to walk along the beach about 10 metres inland, so she missed out on that one. However I am moving my life forward, I have a mentor/friend in the UK who has put me onto self improvement techniques, I have only just started down this path, but suspect that it will be a life changing activity, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen R Covey is a truly extraordinary book, and I’m only up to habit 3 so far.
So, I am going back with a sense of extreme dread, apart from the kids, and will presumably pick up my life, sorry existence, where it left off. I am still broken hearted, and still full of resentment, but have to move on. I strongly suspect that my marriage will not survive this and that most of me says that we are just two people who have hit the end of the road, that our hopes, desires, dreams and core values have just gone off in completely different directions.
I’ll admit it, I drove the desire to go to Australia and my wife effectively tagged along, but seemed to be pretty enthusiastic on the subject. This meant the world to me; I felt for a long time that my dreams and values meant something, that I was first choice instead of the in-laws. Quite clearly when push really came to shove I was wrong, 2 years was what I asked for, 2 weeks was effectively what I got. I understand that being far from the support network is hard, so I understand fully the motivation. What I cannot understand and am going to have to forgive, is how one person can very quickly destroy another’s dreams without the slightest guilt, or at least any that I can see.
The wife wants a guarantee that I won’t walk out in the next two years, she would rather I left now if that is the case. I cannot make that guarantee, but the part of me that absolutely will not give up has not taken that option (see the mirror comment above) and I have made an ultimatum. We have to look within our souls to work out what it really is that we want, if we want a marriage etc, we have to look within ourselves to see what we can do to make the other happy and make them feel valued, by action, not just words. I have told her that she must do this if it is to stand a chance, I have not decided to leave, I have not decided to stay, I’m going back to the UK and giving it my best shot, to 1) forgive, and 2) not be the second choice I feel I am. This goes both ways.
All I can say to you all is a value I have been teaching to my kids, of all the things we are proud of, those that took the most effort to achieve are highest on the list. Don’t expect Australia to solve your relationship problems, it can solve a lot of problems; it did so for me, but not that one. If you are miserable, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Set a time limit, two years to stay and GET OUT AND ABOUT, meet people, join teams etc etc etc. Perhaps then you can tolerate it, get to a mutually agreed date and move back home with your heads held high, your relationship intact and the experience enriching your lives, after all, you stood up and DID what lots of people would love to do, but didn’t. Isn’t that worth a bit of effort and sacrifice?
Keep smiling all; remember to laugh as often as possible, especially with your kids.
My wife and kids have been back in the UK for four weeks now and appear to be settling in OK, they are back in the house after 3 weeks at the MIL, back at school and basically everything is getting pretty much back to normal.
I have just finished work, and had an amazing time over the last few weeks, the support from friends, colleagues and clients have just been overwhelming, I write this with a monstrous hangover from my goodbye drinks, which started at 1.00pm and finished at 2.00am. One the primary directors of the company pulled me aside last night and basically told me that as far as he was concerned I had become an aussie far quicker than any pom he had met before. There is a job open here any time I want it, even if its five years from now. A huge project for part of the same group as I worked for in the UK has just started up a 10 minute walk from my house in Aus, and they too have offered me a job anytime I want it. I strongly suspect that they will fly me over for a couple of weeks in the future anyway, to do some readiness assessments and audits it about a year’s time. All of this has buoyed me up considerably and I don’t intend to sever all ties with Australia.
Will we be back as a family to Australia? I would say no, I cannot see that happening. I will be going to counselling when I get back, I have a very good councillor there whom I have used in the past when things were bad. The last time was three years ago almost to the day. I would like to say marriage guidance, but that would involve two people going to see the councillor. It has been made very clear to me that there is no way on gods earth that I will get my wife into a session. I strongly suspect that it has not been discussed with the MIL either, basically it’s all down to me. I am now a slightly bitter and twisted individual, but I am maintaining a sense of humour, I have to go back, if I didn’t I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.
As a slight aside the prospect of having a baby surrounded by family and friends is quite frankly a total nightmare, the last two were born away from the families. I don’t have friends anywhere near where I live, and the only family I suspect will be allowed in will be the in-laws, and whilst they are very nice people, they are a totally self absorbed family, and there isn’t a hell of a lot of room for me in there. My family have been at the dirty end of the stick more times than I can remember, and therefore probably won’t be that involved, or even allowed to be.
I have missed the kids immensely over the last four weeks, and am really looking forward to seeing them again on the 10th March. A lasting memory for me will be walking along the surf on Australia Day (also my birthday) with the kids laughing their heads off every time a wave hit us. Sadly my wife chose to walk along the beach about 10 metres inland, so she missed out on that one. However I am moving my life forward, I have a mentor/friend in the UK who has put me onto self improvement techniques, I have only just started down this path, but suspect that it will be a life changing activity, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen R Covey is a truly extraordinary book, and I’m only up to habit 3 so far.
So, I am going back with a sense of extreme dread, apart from the kids, and will presumably pick up my life, sorry existence, where it left off. I am still broken hearted, and still full of resentment, but have to move on. I strongly suspect that my marriage will not survive this and that most of me says that we are just two people who have hit the end of the road, that our hopes, desires, dreams and core values have just gone off in completely different directions.
I’ll admit it, I drove the desire to go to Australia and my wife effectively tagged along, but seemed to be pretty enthusiastic on the subject. This meant the world to me; I felt for a long time that my dreams and values meant something, that I was first choice instead of the in-laws. Quite clearly when push really came to shove I was wrong, 2 years was what I asked for, 2 weeks was effectively what I got. I understand that being far from the support network is hard, so I understand fully the motivation. What I cannot understand and am going to have to forgive, is how one person can very quickly destroy another’s dreams without the slightest guilt, or at least any that I can see.
The wife wants a guarantee that I won’t walk out in the next two years, she would rather I left now if that is the case. I cannot make that guarantee, but the part of me that absolutely will not give up has not taken that option (see the mirror comment above) and I have made an ultimatum. We have to look within our souls to work out what it really is that we want, if we want a marriage etc, we have to look within ourselves to see what we can do to make the other happy and make them feel valued, by action, not just words. I have told her that she must do this if it is to stand a chance, I have not decided to leave, I have not decided to stay, I’m going back to the UK and giving it my best shot, to 1) forgive, and 2) not be the second choice I feel I am. This goes both ways.
All I can say to you all is a value I have been teaching to my kids, of all the things we are proud of, those that took the most effort to achieve are highest on the list. Don’t expect Australia to solve your relationship problems, it can solve a lot of problems; it did so for me, but not that one. If you are miserable, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Set a time limit, two years to stay and GET OUT AND ABOUT, meet people, join teams etc etc etc. Perhaps then you can tolerate it, get to a mutually agreed date and move back home with your heads held high, your relationship intact and the experience enriching your lives, after all, you stood up and DID what lots of people would love to do, but didn’t. Isn’t that worth a bit of effort and sacrifice?
Keep smiling all; remember to laugh as often as possible, especially with your kids.
I don't see it as your problem alone and whilst counselling and self-improvement may benefit you, it does need both of you to come together and make an effort.
Your wife may never be able to change as the pattern of her upbringing is too far ingrained. I wish you luck.
I would show her your post above, it is so eloquent and describes how you feel so well. It may cause all hell to be let loose too but it feels like you aren't connecting at the moment.